Airport Humor

[blackford76]

I don't know where the wife found these, but I thought they needed repeating.
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, callsign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The B.A. 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206(coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,---and I didn't land."

[blackford76]

There's a story about a military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single engine fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven engine approach."

[blackford76]

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa(in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground(in English): "If you want an answer, you must speak in English." Lufthansa(in English) "I am a German, flying a German plane, in Germany! Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane(in British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

[DOC]

That's funny. Do you want to go back to speaking Russian?

[Chief_of_Scouts]

>from a Marine Pilot
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them
your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em
up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)

[ChunkyMonkey]

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QANTAS pilots and the
solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the
only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

Here is some QANTAS Airline Humour.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
[Tooth]

[DOC]

lol

[GunTroll]

Good stuf. Keep it coming!

[RRD3]

Here's one for ya :D

The following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,…… and I didn’t land.”


[ROFL1]

[ChunkyMonkey]

Here's one for ya :D

The following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,…… and I didn’t land.”


[ROFL1]

I read this somewhere before....

[blackford76]

[Poke]