Generational issues

[68Charger]

After the passing of my Grandmother (a true Alaskan Sourdough- she was in the '64 Earthquake, and refused to leave- wanting her ashes scattered in the same fishing hole near Seward, AK that her husband had his scattered in 1980), I find myself conflicted.

My father has decided I would be the recipient of her effects that were not officially part of her estate (photos, documents, trinkets- anything not of real monetary value, but invaluable to retain family information).

Among what I received is information about my Great Grandfather that I was never made aware... I know my family didn't communicate well with me, but I'm starting to be suspect that my father was hiding things from me.

Things I didn't know: my Great Grandfather was a 1st lieutenant Chaplain in the 109th Engineers in WWI... I now have lots of pictures from the family and telegraphs/cablegrams from the time when he was deployed. Along with his "Minister's Handbook" (M.J. Savage, circa 1906) and his cross he carried into battle.. Apparently while deployed, was subjected to "gas" (mustard gas?) and had serious health issues even after being returned stateside. Many of the details I hear from my father are sketchy, and conflict with the documents I now have...

To give a bit of history- my father was at Case Western Reserve at the time the Kent State shooting occurred- but he also has "DOD, Joint Chiefs of Staff" listed on his resume... content of his work is "classified"


Basically, I think my father has been anti-military my entire life (not a big revelation), and has deliberately tried to prevent me from hearing about family service in the military (I know my Grandfather was in WWII, but I cannot find out ANY information about his service- other than the M1 Carbine my father and his brother fight over that used to belong to him.)

Has anyone else experienced this kind of censorship within your own family?

I'm trying to get my ducks in a row to confront my father about this- I feel robbed.

[wctriumph]

In my family I found that those that served in war, in combat, just didn't and don't like talking about what they went through. They were not really anti anything or anybody, they would just prefer not to talk about it and they were very firm in that. I used to think that they were mad at me for some reason but my cousin (who was in 'Nam) set me straight late teens.

Just talk to him honestly and see where it goes.

$.02

[68Charger]

In my family I found that those that served in war, in combat, just didn't and don't like talking about what they went through. They were not really anti anything or anybody, they would just prefer not to talk about it and they were very firm in that. I used to think that they were mad at me for some reason but my cousin (who was in 'Nam) set me straight late teens.

Just talk to him honestly and see where it goes.

$.02

I'd always go the honesty route- but my father has never seen combat... so everything he's told me (which is very little) is 2nd hand...

My Uncle was in Vietnam in the See Bees- he's been honest he doesn't want to talk about it, and I can respect that...

[Irving]

What is your end goal here?

[WETWRKS]

It may be less that your father was hiding things and more that he was ignorant or misinformed himself. There are things that we have been told as a family that our research has disproven...and a lot of things that our family should have known that no one was even aware of. The last 5 years have been very enlightening for us.

[Aloha_Shooter]

My mother was against the idea of me joining the military, more because she thought I could do better financially in a civilian job (and she was most likely right) than being anti-military. The AF gave our family some great experiences so I'm sure it was just a financial bias however my father withheld any good stories and was careful to not encourage me when I joined AFROTC despite Mom's resistance because he didn't want to sway my choice in careers. He opened up only after I got my commission; I probably missed some good mentoring that would have helped me as a cadet and even as a 2Lt.

I suspect, as WETWRKS said, that your father may have been ignorant or misinformed as vets from WW1 and WW2 didn't talk alot. I can see him developing a slight bias if he was at a university during Kent State and worked classified stuff for the Joint Staff during the Vietnam War as there were some pretty f-ed up things going on back then but he also let you have the materials rather than destroying them so he may just want to ignore those aspects of family history but let you approach them objectively.

[Bailey Guns]

Tough call. I'm in the "honest but gentle" questioning camp. On the other hand, sounds like you found out some really cool stuff about your grandfather. You'll always have that now, regardless of how it goes with your dad.

[68Charger]

What is your end goal here?

Ultimately it would be forgiveness, because continuing to harbor this is not going to do me any good...

So I was looking for insight to understand why he would hide it and how to approach discussing it with him.
Input from others here has already been helpful... Thanks

[TheGrey]

It may be that your father was very upset at the way the military affected his father...and that, coupled with the classified nature of his work simply kept him from mentioning anything.

Ask him and talk with him. Walk a mile in his shoes.

BTW, ancestry.com is terrific for finding out information about the Greatest Generation.

[spqrzilla]

People don't really have an obligation to talk about things that they don't want to.

[Great-Kazoo]

Ultimately it would be forgiveness, because continuing to harbor this is not going to do me any good...



You can mend fences or deal as is till he dies.
FWIW: My old man and i didn't talk for almost 20 years Till................. One day i had 3 clients right after the other, all guys who (Karma) had been at odds with their dads. All 3 of their dads had died within weeks of each other. They all said their biggest regret was not making peace with their fathers. Got off work and called my dad. That was 20 years ago.

[Hound]

Many coming back from War have a hard time talking about it, even with their kids.... In the best of circumstances. Many also suffer from things like ShellShock/PTSD (samething), which they can either take out on thier kids or not deal with them for fear of taking it out on their kids. My family has a lot of millitary in it, I have seen this personally. Handle it however you see fit but just be aware you may be picking at an old wound that even your father does not understand about his father.

[jslo]

My dad died a little over a year ago. Miss him every day. My advice is to tread lightly. He will be gone one day and the chance to mend will be gone.

[james_bond_007]

Many coming back from War have a hard time talking about it, even with their kids....


In my family I found that those that served in war, in combat, just didn't and don't like talking about what they went through. They were not really anti anything or anybody, they would just prefer not to talk about it and they were very firm in that...

I had some great uncles from WWII and cousins from Vietnam. I tried talking to them when I was young about the war. The best I got then was that they would play GI Joes with me, and explain what all the stuff was used for. My mom always got calls from their wives after their visits, telling her to "make your kids stop pestering him about the war...it bothers him."

Now they will talk with me a bit, but more from a historical perspective, rather than a personal perspective.
They are more open now than they were; however, they all cringe when I show them some of the war memorabilia I have collected.
One of them was offered an Honor Flight, and refused, stating "I don't want to stir up any old memories that I have worked so hard to forget".

Then their are other guys that I meet at Veteran Reunions that will tell me stories about whatever I want...and as long as I want to stay and listen.

I would expect war affected different people in different ways. Try to respect each person's decision on whether they want to talk or not.
Don't take it personally...