View Full Version : Send it or not?
My wife and her sister have not gotten along in many years. I can't list all the issues but her sister has turned many of her former friends against her. Neither of them are acting like they want to resolve the issues and get to the truth. When my MIL died the funeral was ugly and I took an earful from each of them.
Wife wants to send her sister a letter stating all the ways she hurt her and how she didn't take care of her mom etc. I have not read it but she said there are only a few bad words in it. I know that it can't be positive.
I told her not to send it because nothing good can come of it and she got pissed at me.
What do y'all think?
Do not send.
I often find myself writing long posts, then deleting them. Sometimes it feels good just to have written it down. Instead, encourage your wife to start an amusing blog like this one: http://mil-millington.com/ <--Things my girlfriend and I have argued about.
If you have nothing nice to say... shut tf up. That's what I'd tell her.
Nope. Bad idea.
Voicing her opinion in a conversation would be good but saying the same thing in a letter seems like long term trouble.
Slapps74
04-21-2015, 18:44
Agreed bad idea. It would just make the situation worse.
If you think it's bad now... It's going to just get worse when she sends it. Burn it!
I've heard of family that has done this (sent a letter). Everyone will hear about. It will NOT turn out well. If their relationship is so shattered that they don't even talk, or email, and a letter is the chosen method of choice, you might consider asking her why she is even bothering at all. If you have to go out of your way to shit on someone, you usually deserve being shit on just as much.
Ugh, now I'm thinking about instances of my own personal family drama and just getting pissed off. Tell her to knock it off post haste. There is a difference between being right and just wanting to feel good about yourself.
Send it! And get video. [Sofa]
Another don't send. Face to face is better and if neither wants to resolve the issues, so be it.
If it helps your situation any, you can tell your wife I said to "quit being catty".
When women aren't getting along with another woman they can be down right brutal. They will even go out of their way to keep the fight going. It's always baffled me how such sweet, beautiful creatures can be so mean and spiteful.
StagLefty
04-21-2015, 19:04
Healthier if she let's it go-nothing good will come of it.
I'll have to wait and see what she thinks tomorrow. I am currently being treated to silent mode.
They were sisters before you married one of them.
Do you need to be between them?
Don't start no trouble and there won't be no trouble.
My $.02 and worth exactly what you paid for it. [Flower]
Great-Kazoo
04-21-2015, 19:13
For a sizable donation to a charity of your choice. I'd be happy to deliver it as a singing telegram.
https://sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=JN.pumGqqkv%2fXpujtFLQpp92A&pid=15.1&P=0
It's 4th and down, they say punt
I doubt she meant to call you a ............ .
FWIW: NO ONE has title to most dysfunctional family, We all do.
Bailey Guns
04-21-2015, 19:13
I'm gonna go against the grain. I say, if it's from her heart, send it. She may be putting things down on paper she can't put into spoken words. She may realize a lot of relief from getting what she needs to say off her chest. What her sister does with it is up to her. Too many times things go unsaid and it results in a lifetime of resentment. Getting things out in the open oftentimes starts the healing. Letting them fester never does.
For a sizable donation to a charity of your choice. I'd be happy to deliver it as a singing telegram.
It's 4th and down, they say punt
I doubt she meant to call you a .............
Popping out of a cake in a swim suit or tap dancing door man outfit?
Great-Kazoo
04-21-2015, 19:17
Popping out of a cake in a swim suit or tap dancing door man outfit?
https://sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=JN.NhbPSuGgzNruvtmWE6jX0Q&pid=15.1&P=0
My wife went through the same issues about 6 years ago. Went back to take care of her mother who was supposedly dying, she was in the medical field. After 3 months she came home to "visit" for a week. While home her sister and mother accused my wife of stealing $10,000 out of her safe. They ended up turning another sister and brother against my wife. Sent my wife over the edge causing her to be institutionalized for a month. Turns out the sister was the one that took the money along with giving her kids the mothers credit cards and as far as I know still has a restraint order against her. Her therapist, which she still sees, told her it was alright to send a letter explaining how she feels about what they've done to her as long as she has no expectations of an apology or acknowledgement that they did anything wrong. She wrote the letter almost five years ago. Hasn't been mailed.
pickenup
04-21-2015, 20:43
Thumper, What did your father tell you this morning?
Then again, some people are SOOOOO stupid/bad, that they NEED to be told.
I say send it (and follow it up with a call, and a few text messages), if there are problems that need to be brought out in the open then so be it. If a few unconformable sentences are gong to ruin everything then the whole relationship is already fucked. I'm probably in the minority here but I strongly feel that if someone isn't adding value to your families lives then there's no reason to stay in touch, fuck em. I've had this argument with a few family members who couldn't believe that I could never talk to someone in the family again without feeling bad about it.
But then again...
All I ever settled for is that we're born to live and then to die, and... we got to do it alone, each in his own way. And I guess that's why we got to love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. 'Cause when you get right down to it - there isn't.
Key part being "'those people who deserve it".
Katastrophic
04-21-2015, 21:00
I'm a fan of cathartic writing but I'm not sure she should send it.... Something similar happened to me with my sister-in-law, so this is more experience than anything else. I wrote down the good, the bad, and the ugly - EVERYTHING. I didn't send it but I felt so much better about everything after writing that I just put it aside for awhile. I thought about what I was proud of and what I felt badly about in the letter. When I finally saw her again, I was able to talk more cohesively, without the high emotion, and I got my points across much better and she was able to hear what I meant, not what what I felt. We still talk today.
Great-Kazoo
04-21-2015, 21:20
Do it or do not. Either way one has to live with the BS all around. Perhaps the sister getting that letter then showing it around, decrying how terrible your wife is. Might have some of the family and ex friends say. You know she is right.
Your wife's health and well being are more important than anything else.
https://sp.yimg.com/ib/th?id=JN.NhbPSuGgzNruvtmWE6jX0Q&pid=15.1&P=0
hahaha, Candygram for Mongo!
mtnrider
04-21-2015, 21:30
Don't do it. I have seen this happen on my mom's side of the family. It will never end. Better for both of them to suck it up and take a step back and remember how important family is.
HoneyBadger
04-21-2015, 22:28
Is the letter apologetic? Is your wife trying to make amends? If so, sending it may yield healthy results.
Is the letter accusatory? Is she just speaking her mind? Don't send it.
DavieD55
04-21-2015, 22:40
Is the letter apologetic? Is your wife trying to make amends? If so, sending it may yield healthy results.
Is the letter accusatory? Is she just speaking her mind? Don't send it.
This^
Great-Kazoo
04-21-2015, 22:45
Is the letter apologetic? Is your wife trying to make amends? If so, sending it may yield healthy results.
Is the letter accusatory? Is she just speaking her mind? Don't send it.
What's wrong with her speaking her mind ? Sometimes one has to call a family member out. No matter how hard it is. It either cures or kills off the relationship. In her case might be better to do so. Outside the OP's post we really don't know the family dynamic. Based on his post the sister is a trouble making O2 breather. You want to mend fences with that?
Sometimes there are people in your life that do not add to your life. If the relationship is really worth saving then there must be communication...but not this letter. Sometimes even with family you need to cut ties and move along. My sister, and her drama and lies haven't been part of my life for the past 20yrs..oh well.
Great-Kazoo
04-21-2015, 22:48
. Sometimes even with family you need to cut ties and move along. My sister, and her drama and lies haven't been part of my life for the past 20yrs..oh well.
Sorry to hear it but, Thank You.
Now this is just from my personal experience- it may be different for others.
Back when I was going through my drunken stupidity and alienating everyone I loved in my family, I got one of those speak your mind letters from my sister-pretty much telling me I was a useless POS.
Well at first I was pissed blaming her for all the fallout and we didn't speak for over 10years. Sad for the rest of the family but so be it.
It wasn't until I started to look at myself and that letter helped me strive to be a better person, not by words but by actions. Took me many years of fixing my thinking and doing the right thing before we started speaking again. But now were probably closer than before.
Sometimes hard love is the best way. Takes a bunch of time but sometimes it is worth it.
Again I needed that to happen to help me start to be a better person.
Sit down with a counselor that you trust and see what they think.
newracer
04-21-2015, 23:16
I'd tell her to wait a day or two and then read it before deciding to send it.
Nope, wouldn't send it. It's not going to make things better. Thank you for reminding me why it's a great idea to stay single.
Nope dont send kinda like a bullet, once it gone its gone.
Singlestack
04-22-2015, 06:39
The 100 % spite letters - don't send. Nothing good will come of it. However, if you can articulate the hurt without being spiteful and even recommend some steps to move toward a reconciliation that may be a productive letter.
I would recommend not sending the one she wrote, but instead, write a letter to the sister outlining her feelings and her suggestions for solutions to try to fix their broken relationship. My dad lost his brother when I was 3, and we have some close family friends that the brothers have been feuding for several years now. My dad states that we should never let our relationship get to be like that, because you just never know how long you're going be around. He strictly forbids us from taking each other for granted. Remind your wife of this, that they're family and they owe it to not only themselves, but each other, to fix this and dispense with the squabbling. To put things in perspective, ask her "What if, God forbid, something were to happen tomorrow? How much would be left unsaid? How many regrets would you have? How could things have been different? What did you do to try to mend things? What could be done today?"
Just a thought.
I'd tell her to wait a day or two and then read it before deciding to send it.
My opinion on this follows this^^^^.
Write it, set it aside for a period of time (a few days, a few weeks, whatever).
Revisit it, re-read it thoroughly, and revise/edit as needed.
Do this until it is clear and concise, and then consider whether you feel it still needs to be delivered. As said by several, the mere act of vocalizing it, even internally, may give it more power. If nothing else, it may make your points more clear and cognizant when the discussion does come to pass.
Yes, sometimes hard things need to be said or heard, but not always said AND heard.
Remember the old adage: "Haste makes waste".
Ultimately only you can make the final decision.
Chad4000
04-22-2015, 08:52
Dont do it. it only serves to reset the "time takes care of everything" clock.
If the sister is a sociopath(like mine), sending the letter will do no good, as there is nothing that will make a true sociopath care about anyone or anything other than themselves. If the sister is a normal, feeling human, then the letter only serves to stir up shit and obscure the real problems. Either way, sending it accomplishes nothing other than some sort of satisfaction at laying out what is wrong, and that has already been achieved.
If it was written in anger, don't send it. It sounds like she needs to come to terms with her own feelings and decide what she wants to accomplish with her sister; list her objectives and communicate in a way that accomplishes those objectives, which requires her to be the bigger person.
Sounds like you advised her not to send it.
It is now up to her.
Try to stay out of it - you will not "win" in a battle between sisters/inlaws.
However, you must also try to support your wife.
Ain't marriage grand!
Good Luck.
Firehaus
04-22-2015, 10:27
The source of all conflict is unmet expectations. Usually due to miscommunication and unrealistic expectations of each other from the two parties involved.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The source of all conflict is unmet expectations. Usually due to miscommunication and unrealistic expectations of each other from the two parties involved.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
What a long way to just say "women."
Firehaus
04-22-2015, 11:25
What a long way to just say "women."
Shhhh...I'm practicing my liberal speak. It's not as easy as it looks.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Here's a woman's viewpoint:
You're in a tough position. As a wife, I have certain (and often implied) expectations of my husband: I expect him to back me on specific deals where he is not privy to complete information in family matters, but I also expect him to be the voice of reason when emotions and knee-jerk reactions have me frothing at the mouth. In return, he can expect the same of me.
You need to tell your wife something like this: "Sweetheart, I've got your back. I get there's bad blood between you two and that things weren't resolved at the funeral. Instead of sending that letter, let it sit for a week. Then let's burn it, and we'll go to the range and you can shoot until you feel better. Re-opening everything and letting her respond and trying to justify herself and getting family members to take sides isn't going to do anything good." Or something like that.
Whatever you do, don't put yourself in the middle of it or be the go-between or anything else. This is the precipice of a war that will make The Sopranos seem like 'I Dream of Jeannie."
Kraven251
04-22-2015, 13:08
I will say I don't think any good will come from sending it, but if she intends to not speak to her again and really doesn't want her sister in her life in anyway, "fire in the hole."
Her relationship with her sister is not your problem, and trying to be a peacekeeper will do you no good. Let the chips fall where they may, and no matter how wrong you think your wife might be, she is your wife and your sister-in-law can fuck off. Support your wife, and as long as she hasn't threatened her sister, it is what it is.
Well, I don't know if she sent it. We have not talked about so I assume she hasn't. Thanks for all the discussion.
Great-Kazoo
04-24-2015, 21:42
Well, I don't know if she sent it. We have not talked about so I assume she hasn't. Thanks for all the discussion.
If your phone starts blowing up @ 1 in the a.m consider it as sent. Sometimes ones spouse cannot talk sense / patience in to their partner.
UMM What you say honey?
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