View Full Version : Friday humor
sabot_round
03-19-2010, 10:32
A young family moved in a house down the street from us, next to a vacant lot.
One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they gave her ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied,
"I will, if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the fu**'ng sheet rock......"
HAHAHA. I'll have to pass this on to the construction guys in my family.
GreenScoutII
03-19-2010, 10:40
Thats great![LOL][LOL][LOL]
Icecoldviper
03-19-2010, 12:10
Thats great![LOL][LOL][LOL]
+1
cowboykjohnson
03-19-2010, 12:33
[rofl1][rofl2][rofl3]
theGinsue
03-19-2010, 12:41
What's so funny about that?
She's right; those a$$holes at Home Depot always take forever to deliver the fu**'ng sheet rock......
[ROFL1]
funkfool
03-19-2010, 13:07
Ok... here is another...
Longest Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Troublco
03-19-2010, 13:20
[ROFL1]
The wife liked both of 'em too.
Here's one of my favorites -
The value of an Officer VS. an NCO
A 2nd Lieutenant was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1st Sergeant. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer."
theGinsue
03-19-2010, 22:07
Love it!
sabot_round
03-23-2010, 12:11
A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about
it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here over 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
ronaldrwl
03-23-2010, 12:17
HaHa, good one
So a lady brings her pet duck to the vet. She tells the doctor, "hello, I am pretty sure that my duck is dead, but I would like you to take a look at him and make sure." The doctor says he will, takes out his stethoscope and puts it on various places on the duck. He says, "I'm sorry ma'am, your duck appears to be dead."
She asks, "Is there just one more test you can do to be absolutely sure?" The doctor again agrees and goes and summons his dog. The Labrador Retriever comes into the office, looks at the duck, gives it a sniff, looks at the doctor with sad eyes and gives one single bark before he leaves the room.
The doctor then brings the office cat into the room. The cat looks at the duck, smells the duck, looks at the doctor with sad eyes and gives one single meow before leaving the room.
The doctor says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but this duck is dead, and I'm 100% sure at this point. Let me write you up a bill." The doctor hands the bill to the woman and she says, "But how can this have cost me $150?" The doctor replies, "Well it was $100 for the Lab test and another $50 for the CAT scan."
funkfool
03-23-2010, 13:53
Stuart:
http://www.criticallayouts.com/images/rsgallery/original/you-are-too-funny-ag1.gif
I was born during an episode of Tom and Jerry.
I found this list I posted on another site back in 2004.
40 Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say...
40. Oh I just couldn't; she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
theGinsue
03-27-2010, 23:46
A buddy of mine has recently found himself back in the dating scene and has shared some insight with me.
After his first 3 failed dating relationships, he told me that women just want security. In fact, all 3 dates ended within 1/2 an hour when the women suddenly started screaming "SECURITY!"
funkfool
03-30-2010, 09:20
Well - it isn't Friday... but...
Redneck Lent
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.
theGinsue
03-30-2010, 10:42
Very nice - My boss is gonna love that one.
ETA: My boss, a devout Catholic, HATED that one!
Got these from Reddit today.
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
(With respect to Tim Vine)
So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.
One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
One of my squaddies in my army came up to my bunk bed the other day and had a hairdryer against my duvet, I said: “Don’t blow my cover”
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house… I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui
I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I’m a very quiet and secretive person, and that’s it really.
But the best one is
I submitted 10 puns to a reddit thread, but guess how many got voted up?
No pun in ten did.
funkfool
03-30-2010, 11:32
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gives it to her.
I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…
[ROFL1]
Good ones.
pr1ncess45
03-30-2010, 11:42
Now this is a BBQ guaranteed to get everyone's attention.......I think it should be towed with the barrel facing backwards...then you wouldn't have to worry about anyone tailgating you....I don't know for sure but my guess is the owner is from Texas!!!!!!http://sn115w.snt115.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.85.231/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d8f93a706-7965-4367-81c3-b37b4982772f.jpeg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26na me%3daW1hZ2UwMDEuanBlZw_3d_3d%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3 d0%26empty%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aFBFF629EEBEF 432BBCFE526F4C763A12%2540OwnerPC%26shared%3d1&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.28.8&d=d2519&mf=128&a=01_1a32199a232b5000b12972628e907ddcbdeaf7ba27bef d0921a7083b80057250
Pistol Packing Preacher
03-30-2010, 11:42
Red neck gets pulled over.
Officer asks... "Got any ID"
Red neck replies...
" 'bout wha'"
[Coffee]
sabot_round
04-03-2010, 10:08
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
theGinsue
04-03-2010, 13:04
How apropos!
sabot_round
04-09-2010, 15:13
Enjoy!! (http://i.imgur.com/ONYAG.jpg)
Enjoy!! (http://i.imgur.com/ONYAG.jpg)
HAHAHA.. That was awesome!! You KNOW those two got together to "settle their dispute"! And an "A+" from the teacher!!! Priceless.
sabot_round
04-09-2010, 15:29
HAHAHA.. That was awesome!! You KNOW those two got together to "settle their dispute"! And an "A+" from the teacher!!! Priceless.
[ROFL1]
sabot_round
04-23-2010, 16:44
http://i386.photobucket.com/albums/oo308/jeffsoward/45ObamaBurn_thumb.jpg
funkfool
05-11-2010, 15:05
Can't wait till Friday...
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild
with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the bitch--
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY....
Kind of brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it...
sabot_round
05-11-2010, 19:04
[ROFL2]I will give up my paycheck to see that!![Beer]
theGinsue
05-11-2010, 22:42
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. Finally, only Janie was left.
The teacher asked: "Janie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol (until she ran out of bullets), killed four more with the knife (till the blade broke), and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
theGinsue
05-12-2010, 06:16
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five time s a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
[ROFL2]Oh man, these are good. Thanks for the laughs.[LOL]
"Stay away from mommy when she's been drinking"
I almost spit coffee all of my computer...
theGinsue
05-12-2010, 08:27
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS ."
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."
sabot_round
05-12-2010, 08:33
Ginsue
Those were good jokes to get my day started. Thanks!!
awesome, thanks for the laughs!
Joke:
On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
sabot_round
05-12-2010, 17:13
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell Santa;
The d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!
[ROFL1]
Oldie but goodie.
Thanks for posting this, I forgot about this one.
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