View Full Version : Joke of the Day
There is a new pill out for depressed lesbians.
Its called tridixagin the generic version is tricoxagin.
jerrymrc
08-14-2013, 20:19
The Vasectomy.
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
As the nurse is getting dressed, she informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.
Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?
The nurse responds, "They're preparing for vasectomies as well
but . . . . you are covered by Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."[Flower]
BPTactical
08-15-2013, 06:07
Hear about the deaf lesbian?
She was good at reading lips......
Why does Helen Keller wear skin tight pants? So you can read her lips!
If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
***WARNING TASTELESS JOKES AHEAD***
What did Helen Keller get for Christmas? Polio! she had everything else.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper? So she could always find him
How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!
Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color? A1: Corduroy. A2: Velcro.
Why was Helen Keller's leg wet? Her dog was blind too.
Who is the smartest man in the world? The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn't scream for help
Did you hear that new Helen Keller joke? Dont worry, neither did she.
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through!
Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman!
No seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!
How did Helen Keller break her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
Why was Helen Keller's belly button bruised? Her boyfriend was blind, too.
Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard? Neither did she
What is it called when you blow in Helen Kellers ear? Data transfer.
How do you punish Helen Keller? Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner!
What happened when Helen Keller tried to rob a bank? She tied up the safe and blew up the guards
How did Helen Keller burn her face? By answering the iron!
How did the Helen Keller try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
How did she burn the other side of her face? They called back!
How do you torture Helen Keller? Rearrange the furniture. Glue doorknobs to the walls Put her in a round room and told her there's a penny in the corner Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
How come Helen Keller didn't scream when she fell off the cliff? She was wearing mittens
How did Helen Keller meet her husband? On a blind date!
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear? Answering the stapler
Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.
Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!
What do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? Endless love
What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs
Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.
What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking!
How did helen keller burn her face? She was bobbing for french fries.
What did Helen Keller say to the priest? Nothing, she didn't know he was there.
Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.
Why did helen keller go crazy? She was trying to read a stucko wall.
Stevie Wonder one is new to me. That one was good.
GilpinGuy
08-15-2013, 23:33
A guy goes into USPS to apply for a job.....
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok. Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
ruthabagah
08-16-2013, 07:59
A guy goes into USPS to apply for a job..... The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok. Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?" "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
LOL Yep just spilled my cofee on this one.
islandermyk
08-21-2013, 04:04
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.
ChunkyMonkey
08-21-2013, 15:03
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?
These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142.
Hahahaha
Grant H.
08-21-2013, 18:37
A cop is hiding behind a bridge along a commonly traveled road, just waiting for a speeder or other moving violation.
After a few moments, a car comes bombing along the road, so the cop pulls out and turns his lights on.
Once the car stops the officer gets out and walks up to the car to find a lady behind the wheel. He asks what her hurry is.
She replies "I am late to a meeting with a client".
The cop asks "What do you do for a living?".
The lady replies "I am an asshole stretcher. I start with a single finger, then work my way up to 2 and so on, until the asshole is approximately 5 feet in diameter."
The cop, completely astounded, asks "What do your clients do with a 5 foot asshole?"
The lady replied "Give him a badge, a radar gun, and hide him behind a bridge to give busy people tickets"...
islandermyk
08-23-2013, 11:18
I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure-- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson",the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant
"Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, "Ass Hole!"
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ."
Damn I love this truck...
[ROFL1]
JohnTRourke
08-24-2013, 15:35
A young Arab boy asks his father,
“What is that weird hat you are wearing?”
The father said,
“It’s a ‘chechia’. In the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”
“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?”
asked the young man.
“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body.” said the father.
The son asked,
“And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”,
which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”
“Tell me,” added the boy.
"Yes, my son?”
“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?”
JMBD2112
08-27-2013, 19:21
Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
I'm a UGA fan.....
patrick0685
08-27-2013, 20:24
Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
I'm a UGA fan.....
terrible terrible terrible i bet we do better than most people think
A young Arab boy asks his father,
“What is that weird hat you are wearing?”
The father said,
“It’s a ‘chechia’. In the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”
“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?”
asked the young man.
“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body.” said the father.
The son asked,
“And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”,
which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”
“Tell me,” added the boy.
"Yes, my son?”
“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?”
[LOL] Terrible, but true. Growing up in Kalamazoo we had Western Michigan University and you could basically tell what year the female arab students were in based on their clothing at the start of the fall semester, even those raised in the east side of the state. In freshman year they had the full dress, head cover and face veil on. Sophomore year the head cover and veil were around but they would wear jeans and a conservative blouse. Junior year the blouse was swapped to a tshirt and the veil was gone but the head scarf was still around. Senior year it was shorts, tshirts and a WMU or a Tigers ball cap.
eneranch
08-28-2013, 05:30
JOKE TIME:
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border."May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent."I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.."Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent."But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.""This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind."By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago .""Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.
I'm a UGA fan.....
This seems more appropriate for the Browns.
I'm a Browns fan.........and still admit it
Warning for beer drinkers
Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn’t drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.
3beansalad
08-28-2013, 12:11
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
theGinsue
08-30-2013, 06:55
Catholic Joke Day
Joke 1:
Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.
"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".
So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls
off"!
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks?
Was that cross enough??
Joke 2:
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, his supporters have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Democrats by a leading soap and toiletries firm.
The results revealed that 86% of Obama supporters said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven’t been to prison yet.
English Lesson
Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?
Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
still spells race car?
And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
raggedy-ass bastards with you.
How weird is that?
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either !!
3beansalad
09-11-2013, 10:01
[ROFL2]
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your Husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my Husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your Mouth shut that does the trick...."
anaphylaxis
09-26-2013, 12:12
A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Down in Alabama, a greyhound bus pulls up to a bus stop where a large group of both whites and blacks get on the bus. The whites are in line first and take all the front seats forcing the blacks to sit in the back. After a while, the blacks start yelling and complaining about having to sit in the back of the bus in the year 2013. Pretty soon the two groups are close to a fist fight. The bus driver, sick of the hassle, pulls the bus over and orders everyone off. "Look here, I can't concentrate on my driving with all of you yelling and arguing over who is going to sit where. When we get back on the bus, there aren't going to be any white people, or any black people. We're all going to be green... But you dark green motherfu*&ers get in the back of the bus!"
The Americans With No Abilities Act
President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"
"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
SuperiorDG
10-08-2013, 07:31
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
He became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.
Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.
The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
sellersm
10-09-2013, 16:37
Medicare Part G
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you.
So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.
Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head,
central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.
And who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.
Is this a great country or what???!!
sellersm
10-11-2013, 09:39
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
anaphylaxis
10-11-2013, 20:52
Subject: Unofficial Notice - TDY/TAD Travel Changes
TDY/TAD Travel
In keeping with the latest round of DOD budget cuts, changes will be made to the Joint Travel Regulations (JTR). Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply:
Lodging: All DOD personnel performing temporary duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on government business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Transportation: Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure on TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will
be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Washington D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be substituted for travel to Washington D.C.
Meals: Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. We realize many of you survive your weekends this way.
Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. DOD Personnel are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of these items will not be reimbursed.
Miscellaneous: All DOD personnel are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save tax dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods, which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be available to personnel so that sales may be made as time permits. Proceeds must be turned into the DOD finance section at the conclusion of the TDY. We welcome any suggestions for further fiscal innovations. Remember, "We invite you to be a Waste Buster"
A Homeless Man's Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for
being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The
workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my
heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car,
I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.
thvigil11
10-18-2013, 09:44
A young Navajo woman goes to visit her grandfather on the Res. After some small talk, she breaks the news to him, She's got a huge promotion at her job and will be the new regional manager. Her grandfather smiles and walks outside. In the front yard he faces the north and raises both his hands and mutters, then the south and mutters again, followed by the east and then the west, again muttering. After watching for a while, she approaches her grandfather and thanks him for praying to the four winds for her. The grandfather looks at her with a puzzled face and says, "I'm trying to get a signal on this damn phone so I can call the rest of the family and share the news."
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled
"would all the married men stand next to that person
who has made your life worth living".
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and... this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
GilpinGuy
11-09-2013, 08:25
In Ireland, three Irish brothers have a tradition of stopping at the pub after work every day and having a shot of Irish whiskey.
One of the brothers moves to the States, but he keeps the tradition alive by stopping at a pub after work and having three shots of Irish whiskey - one for himself and one for each of his brothers.
One day he stops at the pub and orders TWO shots. The bartender, who has become familiar with the tradition, fears the worst and asks him, "Good Lord, what happened? Did you lose one of your brothers?"
The Irishman says, oh no, my brothers are both fine - I just quit drinking!
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End.
GilpinGuy
12-07-2013, 23:15
Did you hear about the guy who had the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
theGinsue
12-10-2013, 07:22
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.
The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence... 'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a
gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said............ (This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said............ (This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
[ROFL1]
Just in time for Christmas.
http://www.thehijabworld.com/images/products/LargeSize/DesiDoll_new_25.JPG
A talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says,
because nobody has the balls to pull the cord.
Just in time for Christmas.
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=36820c1ce2&view=att&th=1430c3a37bb9c672&attid=0.1&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1
A talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says,
because nobody has the balls to pull the cord.
I think you have a picture attach fail- save & upload, don't link from email... Rookie mistake. [Coffee]
I think you have a picture attach fail- save & upload, don't link from email... Rookie mistake. [Coffee]
Dammit
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Nazi jokes are getting old Anne Frankly I'm getting tired of them.
Zundfolge
12-21-2013, 22:16
Nazi jokes are getting old Anne Flankly I'm getting tired of them.
*Frankly
:p
GilpinGuy
12-21-2013, 23:53
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger and bigger....then it hit me.
GilpinGuy
12-22-2013, 18:08
There are good cops
I get irritated when people come down on our police
officers, saying that they don't care about or respect
others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all
cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the small
hill country town of Kerrville , TX who reported finding a
man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the
Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The
dead man's name would not be released until hisfamily had
been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer
consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg .
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked
heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple
lipstick, dazzel dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false
eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family
any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Texas police do care.
bellavite1
12-31-2013, 08:44
> Awesome Lists (http://www.pophangover.com/category/awesome-lists/)&Funny (http://www.pophangover.com/category/funny-2/)&HUMOR/SATIRE (http://www.pophangover.com/category/humor/)&Yeah Flashback (http://www.pophangover.com/category/yeah-flashback/) > The 15 Funniest Amazon Reviews of 2013! (http://www.pophangover.com/36657/the-15-funniest-amazon-reviews-of-2013/) The 15 Funniest Amazon Reviews of 2013!Posted by Georgie on December 30, 2013
Thanks to the internet, you can have total strangers give you a “heads up” on whether or not a product is worthy of a purchase. Thanks to Amazon.com, you can have total strangers (who clearly have way too much time on their hands) make you laugh hysterically…
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/am.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/am.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/510bce02dbd0cb46db000637._w.1500_s.fit_.jpg (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/510bce02dbd0cb46db000637._w.1500_s.fit_.jpg)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/syuti4r.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/syuti4r.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/33.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/33.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/tv.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/tv.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/ama.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/ama.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/rev.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/rev.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Funny-amazon-review-Sunshine-spoiler-alert.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Funny-amazon-review-Sunshine-spoiler-alert.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/w08z7.jpg (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/w08z7.jpg)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/amn.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/amn.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/funny-Amazon-review-book-microwave.jpg (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/funny-Amazon-review-book-microwave.jpg)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/23.png (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/23.png)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/a97118_urn.jpg (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/a97118_urn.jpg)
http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/funny_amazon_user_reviews_05.jpg (http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/funny_amazon_user_reviews_05.jpg)
The Veet heir gel has many more reviews better than the one posted. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B000KKNQBK/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=B000KKNQBK&linkCode=as2&tag=ukgtedge-21
My favorite:
Oh the shame.... (http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/RMSBINADT0S6S/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000KKNQBK&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=65801031&store=drugstore) 3 July 2012
By A. Chappell (http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A2MK841G552A2D/ref=cm_cr_dp_pdp)
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
George Takei has the link to it on his FB page. Only page besides Nerdgasm I check regularly since I do not have a FB account of my own.
^^THat^^ made me laugh til I had tears in my eyes, so I will contribute this:
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action as a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to shit yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible, that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand malazzplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “Sonofabitch! “, then quickly left. Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
GilpinGuy
12-31-2013, 23:19
^^^^^
Hahahaha!! That made me laugh out loud in the break room here.
GilpinGuy
01-03-2014, 23:57
Kim Jong Un developed a serious eye condition and came to the US to see an optometrist.
The doctor asks him, "Do you have any cataracts?"
Kim answers, "No, I like Lincoln Continentals."
GilpinGuy
01-05-2014, 22:28
An Irish Text Message
Paddy texts his wife ...
“Mary,
I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
theGinsue
01-08-2014, 00:00
^^THat^^ made me laugh til I had tears in my eyes, so I will contribute this:
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action as a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to shit yourself” chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2”. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible, that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand malazzplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my God”, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, “Sonofabitch! “, then quickly left. Once finished, I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping, when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off, returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.
I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I'm sharing it at work tomorrow!
http://www.economist.com/news/leaders/21594257-our-wildest-fantasy-if-only-french-ran-america-la-maison-blanche
From: http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r
I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor... He's Hilarious!
http://s.quickmeme.com/img/d4/d445406f3f8d4cc642cf2e7b91b58908a4e20182effcf7b769 8a703f451f62d7.jpg
I can't remember if I've read that before, but I sure laughed pretty hard at this one. Thumbs Up.
3beansalad
01-23-2014, 12:28
Wife’s Diary:Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing…’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:A five putt… who the f*&k five putts?
I can't remember if I've read that before, but I sure laughed pretty hard at this one. Thumbs Up.
http://www.27bslash6.com/
also home to other gems, like this one:
http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html
I can't remember if I've read that before, but I sure laughed pretty hard at this one. Thumbs Up.
It was also posted in a thread here recently. A member was having an issue with a neighbor's yard light.
theGinsue
02-06-2014, 13:53
A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
ChunkyMonkey
02-06-2014, 14:00
A man was telling his buddy "You won't believe what happened last night.
My daughter walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. Don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend-- Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!'"
HA!
wctriumph
02-09-2014, 17:26
I read this elsewhere and posted here for your entertainment.
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” the doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do” she said.
”Does it hurt you”, he asked?
“No. I rather like it!”
”Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course”, the doctor replied.
“Where do you think politicians come from?”
http://jonathansherman.biz/bardos/humor/RealLifeWeddingVows.jpg
<MADDOG>
02-27-2014, 12:24
A teacher asks each of the kids in class what they need, as opposed to want.
Joey says "A computer."
The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Jimmy says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last fucking thing we needed!”
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, ‘Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’
‘There’s something wrong with my penis’, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, ‘You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘
‘Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.
The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.’
The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.’
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’
‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’
‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.
GilpinGuy
03-02-2014, 19:28
A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.
Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction,
requiring her to dodge or deflect it.
He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window. Seeing
this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord.
The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic bitch."
She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed camel-fucker.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
GilpinGuy
03-13-2014, 02:45
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
<MADDOG>
03-13-2014, 23:26
Ponderisms:
1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
GilpinGuy
03-31-2014, 22:10
The difference between Socialism & Racism
A young black kid asks his mother, "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?"
"Well, Tyrone…..Socialism is when white folks work every day so we can get our stuff and crap, you know…..like free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school lunch, free healthcare, utility subsidy, and on and on, while we never have to work……....you know…..That's Socialism.”
"But mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?"
"They do Honey. And, that`s Racism!"
electronman1729
04-01-2014, 20:48
That about sums it up…. https://www.ar-15.co/part1.01000300.05020303@comcast.net
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet for Obama . . .
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."
Best explanation I've heard yet for Obama . . .
[word] That is good!
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes’.
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’
The little boy nodded ‘yes’ again.
He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb ass’ is it?’
The little boy shook his head ‘NO’.
‘GOOD’, said the coach.
‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’
What is the longest and the shortest sentence in the English language?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
"I do."
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said,
"Is that Corona or Bud? "I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born? "I said, "Yesterday."
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
Why Old Men don’t get hired.
Human Resources Manager: “What is your greatest weakness?”
Old Man : “My honesty.”
Human Resources Manager: “I don’t think honesty is necessarily a weakness.”
Old Man : “I really don’t give a shit what you think.”
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 19, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Democrat's Answer:
· Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
· Does the man look poor or oppressed?
· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
· Could we run away?
· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
· What does the law say about this situation?
· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
· Should I call 9-1-1?
· We need to raise taxes.
· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
· This is all so confusing!
Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG!
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice group, Daddy!'
'Were those Gold Dots or the new Hornady's?!'
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that thing to the taxidermist!
Zundfolge
04-21-2014, 10:01
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It’s shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
‘Well, it’s quite simple really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.’ (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.’
‘No problem,’ he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I’ll do the fuckin’ dishes!
OtterbatHellcat
06-22-2014, 22:18
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Zundfolge
07-01-2014, 14:05
A well-known Anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a kippa, tzitzis, and payos.
He doesn’t have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so loudly, that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.”
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling and waving to him and says ‘Thank You’ in an equally loud voice, so that everyone can hear.
This infuriates the Anti-Semite and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, “Thank you.”
So the guy asks the barman, “What’s the hell is the matter with that Jew? I’ve ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except for him, and all that the silly bugger does is to smile and thank me in such a loud voice. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns this place.”
GilpinGuy
07-03-2014, 07:13
A pathological liar, an illegal alien, a lawyer, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.
Bartender walks over and says, "What will you have Mr. President"?
buffalobo
07-03-2014, 07:26
A pathological liar, an illegal alien, a lawyer, a muslim and a communist walk into a bar.
Bartender walks over and says, "What will you have Mr. President"?
Kind of insulting to lawyers and pathological liars. ;)
Bailey Guns
07-03-2014, 07:35
That's insulting to everyone on that list.
GilpinGuy
07-05-2014, 18:42
"THE FLORIDA POKER CLUB"
Six retired friends were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
This one almost had me fall over:
Three guys walk into a restaurant .....
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible
osok-308
07-09-2014, 21:22
This one almost had me fall over:
Three guys walk into a restaurant .....
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible
This is a great one! hahahahaha.
This one almost had me fall over:
Three guys walk into a restaurant .....
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes!" So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron, to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."
For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.
For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible
Excellent contribution, Ronin. Definitely worth passing along.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @Costco.."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .
The computer prints the following:
1.Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
GilpinGuy
07-31-2014, 05:52
So I went to confession on Saturday evening before Mass and started with the usual…
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 4 weeks since my last confession.
Last night, I beat the crap out of an Obama supporter."
The Priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service.”
Zundfolge
08-06-2014, 08:53
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals .......very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Doctor’s Exam
A Muslim immigrant goes to a Doctor in Houston, Texas and says “I feel terrible”.
The Doctor examines him and then says “You need to pee and crap in a bucket for a week, throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head hold your face over the bucket and inhale the vapors for 3 days”.
The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says “I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?”
“You were homesick”.
wctriumph
08-06-2014, 16:28
^^^^ [ROFL1]
Madeinhb
08-06-2014, 22:14
Hahahahabahaha that one is awesome
-- I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."
-- I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
-- My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-- Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?
-- A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
-- The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
-- There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
-- You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
-- A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
-- Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 flippin' Muslims have friended me!
-- Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard
Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield.
SuperiorDG
08-25-2014, 20:47
https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/p296x100/10292529_10152316369974694_557899815185031364_n.jp g?oh=91a96e1c1fbd533106b3c527c53ad80d&oe=54713E1C&__gda__=1417359287_63d035b30023977ec17e90dcd699ee2 1
mcantar18c
08-27-2014, 21:03
In Heaven,
The police are British
The chefs are French
The lovers are Italian
It’s designed by the Swiss
And built by the Germans
In Hell,
The police are German
The chefs are British
The lovers are Swiss
It’s designed by the Italians
And built by the French
http://www.tickld.com/cdn_image_article/a_797_20140823151637.jpg
GilpinGuy
09-03-2014, 12:46
THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who
could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And
the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.
BOOM! That was hilarious! I almost feel bad for laughing though.
hurley842002
09-03-2014, 19:29
http://www.dailydanet.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/ObamaBidenGoofy.jpg
Kudos to funkfool for posting this pick at the precise location so that every time the "joke of the day" thread comes up on Tapatalk, Obama and Bidens photos are what I see. That is all....
First-year students at the Texas A & M Vet School were
attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them
"In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal's body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and
stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students. The students freaked out,
hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and said, "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention. Life's tough but it's even
tougher if you're stupid."
My New Job:
I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American Flag duct-taped to the bumper of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Damn; that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.
My first drink with my son.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Harp Lager, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Murphy’s Irish Red, and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/09/13/a3u5u3ym.jpg
This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”
He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”
GilpinGuy
09-18-2014, 23:46
BULLETIN:
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned our country that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt , Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.
It's gonna get ugly, people.
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...
https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f9511839%5fAEfuw0MAAA% 2bfVCyWSgAAABFk76s&m=YaDownload&pid=1.2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."
https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f9511839%5fAEfuw0MAAA% 2bfVCyWSgAAABFk76s&m=YaDownload&pid=1.2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."
https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f9511839%5fAEfuw0MAAA% 2bfVCyWSgAAABFk76s&m=YaDownload&pid=1.2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail
Old White River Tom, the cowboy from Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his pecker...
12 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT
When your family or friends cannot explain why they voted Democrat, give them this list.
Then they can then pick a reason from this "TOP 12"...
1. I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.
2. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.
3. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
4. I voted Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
5. I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers, rapists and thieves.
6. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.
7. I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted, so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
8. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away the Social Security from those who paid into it.
9. I voted Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.
10. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
11. I voted Democrat because I think that it's better to pay billions to people who hate us for their oil, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish.
12. I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass, it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.
Where the "N" stands for knowledge!
ClangClang
10-03-2014, 14:00
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "And yesterday in Iraq, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh my god!" the President exclaims. "How could this have happened?!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Rummy, you gotta level with me.... how many is a brazillion?"
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the New York City convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said,"Well, Sir, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'".
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the New York City convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The General said,"Well, Sir, is there anything I can do to help?"
The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'".
The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
Awesome!
Zundfolge
10-07-2014, 11:15
... Kirk who is Canadian...
Riverside Iowa is in Canada?
GilpinGuy
10-08-2014, 07:12
Job interview:
"What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a damn what you think."
Riverside Iowa is in Canada?
In the future it is.
GilpinGuy
10-08-2014, 07:35
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Riverside Iowa is in Canada?
It was all copy and paste. I have never seen a single episode of Star Trek. Hell, I've never seen any Star Wars movies either.
wctriumph
10-09-2014, 15:42
It was all copy and paste. I have never seen a single episode of Star Trek. Hell, I've never seen any Star Wars movies either.
Are you female? If not, WTF, over?
[Beer]
Marine24
10-10-2014, 15:33
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
�
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!�
�
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
�
�
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs�
�
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:�
�
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
�
�
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
�
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:�
�
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
�
�
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.�
�
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:�
�
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
�
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'�
�
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
�
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
�
�
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:�
�
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:�
�
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.�
�
The First floor - has wives that love sex.
�
The Second floor - has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
�
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Are you female? If not, WTF, over?
[Beer]
Haha! Just never been a fan of sci-fi stuff!! Never seen the Matrix either!
It's hard, in this era, for me to watch some of the original Star Trek episodes. When I was a kid, I couldn't tell good from bad acting, and everything was new. Being older, I better appreciate some of the ladies that were on the show.
As an engineer, I have a hard time watching Star Wars. Instead of losing myself in the story, I automatically switch to "why didn't they design the machine another way? Why are dinosaurs dragging a trebuchet behind a force field?"
And why did Kirk not contract an intergalactic STD ?
GilpinGuy
10-29-2014, 07:53
COPPER COATED MICROCHIP IMPLANT ALLOWS TERRORISTS TO SPEAK TO GOD
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will instantly allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained
and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection.
No Anesthetic is required. The implant is likely to be painless.
Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches or pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site.
In most cases, you won't even notice it.
What do you yell when someone insults Donald Trump's wig?
"Oohhhhh, RUG BURN!"
GilpinGuy
11-06-2014, 09:53
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
[Beer]
SuperiorDG
11-06-2014, 09:55
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
[Beer]
Tread lightly my friend, tread lightly.
Once upon a time, a Fighter Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
....and the Fighter Pilot flew F-18's, rode motorcycles, raced cars, hunted, fished, dated women half his age, drank and ate whatever he wanted, kept his house and guns, got promoted, and all his friends and family thought he was awesome, and he had tons of money in the bank...
...and he always left the toilet seat up.
The End.
FALfreak
11-15-2014, 01:27
A seal walked into a club.
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
robably already been on but
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a PAIR of 22's.
What's the difference between a Ford truck and a Tampon?
the tampon comes with it's own tow rope to get pulled out.
GilpinGuy
11-17-2014, 13:23
Six undeniable Facts of Life...
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but remember that the best moments in life are enjoyed without any clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser.Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
6. Women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
FOX News reported today that Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White" has been canceled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes. They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go."
https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/10411738_10152872507944518_9064388046704885415_n.j pg?oh=b7f10c4f421460b04acbef0b036fbd64&oe=5504D3A5
GilpinGuy
12-03-2014, 09:59
I can talk about infinity forever.
http://images1.tickld.com/live/articles/a_1082_20141201194611.jpg
The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada’s top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.“Oh my God,” said the Queen, “that’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?”The Doctor leading the tour explains; “I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn’t do that 5 times a day, they’ll explode, and he would die instantly.”“Oh, I am sorry,” said the Queen.On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.“Oh my God,” said the Queen, “what’s happening in there?”The Doctor replied, “Same problem, better health plan.”
I got this in an email, so...
BEWARE THIS CONTAINS A LITTLE BIT OF SALTY LANGUAGE,
BUT I LAUGHED SO HARD I HAD TO SHARE.
Life Changing Experience with my Electric fence - hysterical.
Electric fences
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is FUNNY ....and true.
This was sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries
increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the
top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it
7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one
with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time, I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't l
et go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in
poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die....Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later
on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
buffalobo
12-10-2014, 06:49
Funny as hell. There is another one where a guy buys a tazer for his wife and tries it out on himself.
buffalobo
12-10-2014, 06:55
Found it.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long
Term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second), and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA
batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I
had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the
fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by
a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had [censored] in my shorts, but was too numb to know
for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came
from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift
and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
Saw this on another forum and thought you guys would like it.
The King of Speed
Category: Military
True story? Dunno, but it sounds plausible.
- - -
There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an SR-71, but we were the fastest guys on the block and loved reminding our fellow aviators of this fact. People often asked us if, because of this fact, it was fun to fly the jet. Fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane. Intense, maybe. Even cerebral. But there was one day in our Sled experience when we would have to say that it was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there, at least for a moment.
It occurred when Walt and I were flying our final training sortie. We needed 100 hours in the jet to complete our training and attain Mission Ready status. Somewhere over Colorado we had passed the century mark. We had made the turn in Arizona and the jet was performing flawlessly. My gauges were wired in the front seat and we were starting to feel pretty good about ourselves, not only because we would soon be flying real missions but because we had gained a great deal of confidence in the plane in the past ten months. Ripping across the barren deserts 80,000 feet below us, I could already see the coast of California from the Arizona border. I was, finally, after many humbling months of simulators and study, ahead of the jet.
I was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Walter in the back seat. There he was, with no really good view of the incredible sights before us, tasked with monitoring four different radios. This was good practice for him for when we began flying real missions, when a priority transmission from headquarters could be vital. It had been difficult, too, for me to relinquish control of the radios, as during my entire flying career I had controlled my own transmissions. But it was part of the division of duties in this plane and I had adjusted to it. I still insisted on talking on the radio while we were on the ground, however. Walt was so good at many things, but he couldn't match my expertise at sounding smooth on the radios, a skill that had been honed sharply with years in fighter squadrons where the slightest radio miscue was grounds for beheading. He understood that and allowed me that luxury. Just to get a sense of what Walt had to contend with, I pulled the radio toggle switches and monitored the frequencies along with him. The predominant radio chatter was from Los Angeles Center, far below us, controlling daily traffic in their sector. While they had us on their scope (albeit briefly), we were in uncontrolled airspace and normally would not talk to them unless we needed to descend into their airspace.
We listened as the shaky voice of a lone Cessna pilot asked Center for a readout of his ground speed.
Center replied: "November Charlie 175, I'm showing you at ninety knots on the ground."
Now the thing to understand about Center controllers, was that whether they were talking to a rookie pilot in a Cessna, or to Air Force One, they always spoke in the exact same, calm, deep, professional, tone that made one feel important. I referred to it as the "HoustonCenterVoice." I have always felt that after years of seeing documentaries on this country's space program and listening to the calm and distinct voice of the HoustonCenterControllers, that all other controllers since then wanted to sound like that... and that they basically did. And it didn't matter what sector of the country we would be flying in, it always seemed like the same guy was talking. Over the years that tone of voice had become somewhat of a comforting sound to pilots everywhere. Conversely, over the years, pilots always wanted to ensure that, when transmitting, they sounded like Chuck Yeager, or at least like John Wayne. Better to die than sound bad on the radios.
Just moments after the Cessna's inquiry, a Twin Beech piped up on frequency, in a rather superior tone, asking for his ground speed.
"Ah, Twin Beach: I have you at one hundred and twenty-five knots of ground speed."
Boy, I thought, the Beechcraft really must think he is dazzling his Cessna brethren.
Then out of the blue, a Navy F-18 pilot out of NAS Lemoore came up on frequency. You knew right away it was a Navy jock because he sounded very cool on the radios.
"Center, Dusty 52 ground speed check."
Before Center could reply, I'm thinking to myself, hey, Dusty 52 has a ground speed indicator in that million dollar cockpit, so why is he asking Center for a readout? Then I got it -- ol' Dusty here is making sure that every bug smasher from Mount Whitney to the Mojave knows what true speed is. He's the fastest dude in the valley today, and he just wants everyone to know how much fun he is having in his new Hornet.
And the reply, always with that same, calm, voice, with more distinct alliteration than emotion:
"Dusty 52, Center, we have you at 620 on the ground."
And I thought to myself, is this a ripe situation, or what? As my hand instinctively reached for the mic button, I had to remind myself that Walt was in control of the radios. Still, I thought, it must be done -- in mere seconds we'll be out of the sector and the opportunity will be lost. That Hornet must die, and die now.
I thought about all of our Sim training and how important it was that we developed well as a crew and knew that to jump in on the radios now would destroy the integrity of all that we had worked toward becoming. I was torn. Somewhere, 13 miles above Arizona, there was a pilot screaming inside his space helmet.
Then, I heard it. The click of the mic button from the back seat. That was the very moment that I knew Walter and I had become a crew. Very professionally, and with no emotion, Walter spoke:
"Los Angeles Center, Aspen 20, can you give us a ground speed check?"
There was no hesitation, and the reply came as if was an everyday request:
"Aspen 20, I show you at one thousand eight hundred and forty-two knots, across the ground."
I think it was the forty-two knots that I liked the best, so accurate and proud was Center to deliver that information without hesitation, and you just knew he was smiling. But the precise point at which I knew that Walt and I were going to be really good friends for a long time was when he keyed the mic once again to say, in his most fighter-pilot-like voice:
"Ah, Center, much thanks. We're showing closer to nineteen hundred on the money."
For a moment Walter was a god. And we finally heard a little crack in the armor of the HoustonCentervoice, when L.A. came back with,
"Roger that Aspen, Your equipment is probably more accurate than ours. You boys have a good one."
It all had lasted for just moments, but in that short, memorable sprint across the southwest, the Navy had been flamed, all mortal airplanes on freq were forced to bow before the King of Speed, and more importantly, Walter and I had crossed the threshold of being a crew. A fine day's work.
We never heard another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast. For just one day, it truly was fun being the fastest guys out there.
Zundfolge
12-18-2014, 16:33
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head.
He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!”
His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!”
The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!”
Sugar free Gummy Bears from Amazon reviews
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
PS: When I ordered these, the warnings and disclaimers and legalese were NOT posted. I'm not a moron. Also, not sure why so many people assume I'm a man. I am a woman. We poop too. Of course, our poop sparkles and smells like a walk in a meadow of wildflowers. Thanks for all the great comments. I've been enjoying reading them and so glad that the horror show I experienced from snacking on these has at least made some people smile.
Appropriate for the day...
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
henpecked
12-26-2014, 14:34
Visiting with a customer that was considering one of my digital piano's for his wife for Christmas. He tells me "My wife said she's getting me a new SUV for Christmas."
"Really? That's nice!" I reply.
"Yep. Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
http://d26ya5yqg8yyvs.cloudfront.net/icon10.gif
Scanker19
12-29-2014, 08:54
A magic tractor is driving down the road, and turns into a field.
wctriumph
12-29-2014, 09:38
Why did the police arrest the belt?
For holding up a pair of pants!
What did the complete upper say to the stripped lower?
I'll be a some of a gun.
BushMasterBoy
12-30-2014, 18:54
Why do gay guys wear ribbed condoms? Better traction in the mud.
henpecked
12-31-2014, 11:30
Three pastors and their wives are driving to a convention when they have a terrible accident and they all die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says to the first "What do you have to say for yourself?". First pastor says "I never took a drink in my life, been a pastor for 40 years, can't wait to get in". St. Peter checks his book and says, "wait a minute...it says here that you never took a drink, but you lusted after alcohol your whole life...you lusted after alcohol so much you married a girl named Brandy. I'm sorry, you missed the mark. St. Peter asks the second pastor the same thing and he says "I gave up a good paying job to pastor the flock for 30 years, had lots of opportunities to make money but chose the Lord's work instead". Peter checks his book and says "wait a minute, it says here you didn't have any money, but you lusted after money your whole life, so much so that you married a girl named Penny. Sorry, you missed the mark. Third pastor turns to his wife and says, "Come on Fanny, let's go, we haven't got a chance"
__________________
Walker2970
01-08-2015, 19:53
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I want to be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I want to be Johnny's bitch."
Here’s a mean joke:
A mathematician, physicist, and a statistician all went to a shooting range.
The mathematician aimed and fired, but his shot went five feet to the left.
The physicist was next…but his shot went five feet to the right.
The statistician threw down his gun and cried, “YES!”
^^ Reminds me of another joke.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.
The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.
The group is silent for a moment.
The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Rucker61
01-09-2015, 10:26
A man walks into a zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih tzu.
wctriumph
01-10-2015, 17:51
Chuck Norris can pop a wheelie on a unicycle!
SuperiorDG
01-13-2015, 09:26
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Slapps74
01-13-2015, 09:53
Haha!
Bitter Clinger
01-13-2015, 10:03
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson. Odd Trick Reverses Hair Loss: Try This Odd "Trick" Restores Your Vision (20/20) The #1 trick to REVERSE Tinnitus Sponsored by RevContent I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, “You moron… you have no idea what you’re doing!” Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.” Dang, I love this truck… I need that truck. Of course, the voice control system in the Toyota Prius is different. It tunes to the president every time its hippie owner says “My God!” Any attempt to listen to hard rock music also results in the car giving you a lecture on misogyny and its relation to testosterone, followed by a track from the Indigo Girls. And, every time you say “Ted Nugent,” the car stops whatever it’s doing and makes an immediate call to the NSA national hotline to report you for high treason.
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Nelson,” the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he continued and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson. Odd Trick Reverses Hair Loss: Try This Odd "Trick" Restores Your Vision (20/20) The #1 trick to REVERSE Tinnitus Sponsored by RevContent I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, “You moron… you have no idea what you’re doing!” Immediately the radio responded with, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.” Dang, I love this truck… I need that truck. Of course, the voice control system in the Toyota Prius is different. It tunes to the president every time its hippie owner says “My God!” Any attempt to listen to hard rock music also results in the car giving you a lecture on misogyny and its relation to testosterone, followed by a track from the Indigo Girls. And, every time you say “Ted Nugent,” the car stops whatever it’s doing and makes an immediate call to the NSA national hotline to report you for high treason.
This is the best part.
Odd Trick Reverses Hair Loss: Try This Odd "Trick" Restores Your Vision (20/20) The #1 trick to REVERSE Tinnitus Sponsored by RevContent
Bitter Clinger
01-13-2015, 23:15
Copy and paste...guilty
GilpinGuy
01-14-2015, 08:20
Michigan State Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes, all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.
Detroit folks were stunned. A community organizer said: “We be shocked! We never knowed we had a library.”
electronman1729
01-19-2015, 19:54
I love math tricks and this one really work and will only take you about ten seconds!!!
Amazing, it really works to reveal your all-time favorite movie. I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom. You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below: (On second post. Dont look down)
electronman1729
01-19-2015, 19:55
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech After Impeachment
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, isn't that something?
Haha that is pretty awesome. Totally works!!
Bailey Guns
01-19-2015, 21:40
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small aircraft.
A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone and yelled, "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had a heart attack. He’s dead. I grabbed his cell phone because he told me before we took off he had the tower on speed dial. I’m flying upside down at 8,000 feet and our airspeed is 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"
The employee in the tower put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down. We hear you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic. Try to remain calm!!".
He began his series of questions.
Tower: "How do you know you’re at 8,000 feet??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 8,000 feet on the altimeter”.
Tower: "Okay, that’s good. How do you know your airspeed is 180 mph??"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed indicator".
Tower: "Okay, that’s good. Are the instruments telling you you’re upside down?"
Aircraft: "No! I know because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar."
wctriumph
01-22-2015, 13:12
So my wife and I are driving home after a company party and because I really like Scotch, she was driving. She doesn't use the indicator when merging and a CSP Trooper lights us up. She pulls over and we get all the stuff ready for the Trooper. He walks up to the window and flips open his ticket book and my wife says, "good evening officer, I bet that you want to sell us tickets to the Colorado State Trooper's Ball."
To which he replies, "no mamm, Colorado State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence ... the Trooper flipped his book closed, said "drive safe" and walked back to his car.
Suppressed laughter is the best kind.
henpecked
01-24-2015, 16:06
Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun.
A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m soooo hungry, what can we eat?” To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied, “How about some… Baskin’ Robins?”
henpecked
01-24-2015, 16:06
One enterprising member of the Sioux tribe was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others charged. Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hardwood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were really just Cheap Sioux Veneers.
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/obama-signs-executive-order-closing-congress
Would be funnier if you didn't have the suspicion that this has in reality crossed his mind.
http://kraigsbeer.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/funny-beer-can-british-bacon-jamaican.jpg
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
“But” said the Scotsman. “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Well.” said the Englishman “At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2.”
“Ahhh that’s nothin’” said the Irishman “Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like.Then when you’ve had enough drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims.
He swears every word is true.
“Well” said the Englishman “Did this actually happen to you?”
“Not myself personally no” said the Irishman, “But it did happen to my sister.”
Ranger353
01-30-2015, 15:16
Excellent!
BladesNBarrels
01-31-2015, 11:15
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".
The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".
Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence.
Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."
SOME WORDS OF TRUTH:
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims -
1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor, You may be a Muslim.
2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes, You may be a Muslim.
3. If you have more wives than teeth, You may be a Muslim.
4. If you wipe your bottom with your bare hand but consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.
5. If you think vests come in two styles: Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.
7. If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.
8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs, You may be a Muslim.
9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.
10. If you find this offensive and don't forward it,
You may be a Muslim.
BladesNBarrels
02-02-2015, 07:55
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
SuperiorDG
02-10-2015, 08:33
https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/404932_268581386606232_1365976304_n.png?oh=73503b3 821fffe9b89bfc25539dcf2ac&oe=55569800&__gda__=1435703505_e07bea29f44f39f1a25945dd5badcb5 6
GilpinGuy
02-27-2015, 09:34
A duck was about to cross the road, and a chicken came running up to him saying, "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
henpecked
02-27-2015, 10:39
I was walking through the mall , and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.
The Muslim Clerk said "Fuck Off, Get out, And Stay Out".
I said, "Yes, that's the one".
My Dad asked me last night why I
carry my 1911 in the house, what am I
afraid of? I looked him straight in the
eye and said, "The Goddamn
Decepticons." He laughed, I laughed,
the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster.
It was a good time.
GilpinGuy
03-05-2015, 14:41
FINANCIAL PLANNING IN THESE PRESSING TIMES
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and a week later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
BladesNBarrels
03-06-2015, 09:46
A new sign at Wal-Mart
https://web.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=762420&part=2.2
Our society is doomed..............
A new sign at Wal-Mart
https://web.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=762420&part=2.2
Our society is doomed..............
Pic no worky...
Marine24
03-06-2015, 12:11
http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_119_instructional-diagrams-people-who-suck-at-everyday-life/#3
Pics 3
A little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma."
TheBelly
03-06-2015, 21:07
http://www.cracked.com/photoplasty_119_instructional-diagrams-people-who-suck-at-everyday-life/#3
Pics 3
#3 just happened to me tonight..... Some a-hole hipster decided that he was going to go into the 10-items-or-less line and take 30 different items with him. I was about to say something, when the hero behind me walked around and just shoved the hipster's crap off the little conveyor belt. The hipster didn't say anything, he just walked out leaving all the stuff there.
The cashier lady didn't miss a beat and hit the 'cancel transaction' button then looked at me and said, "You're up, Hon."
I bought the guy behind me a pack of smokes he mumbled about getting.
BushMasterBoy
03-06-2015, 21:25
Q.What do you call somebody with more than 10 items in the Express Lane? A. An Expresshole
I dislike getting called over to the empty express lane by the checker when I have more than the limit.
Seems any time I do, the only other schmuck left in the store gets in behind me and realizes what an asshole I must be.
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."
Did he should his wifi next? This guy sounds like a liberal. Doesn't respect marriage or the internet.
A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him. He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
I had an idea for a movie plot. A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken. I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
68Charger
04-21-2015, 16:57
If life gives you melons, you may have dyslexia....
thvigil11
04-21-2015, 17:07
http://www.shirtstorm.ca/image/cache/data/designs/dyslexics-190x190.jpg
"My greatest fear is that when I die my wife will sell my guns for what I told her I paid for them..."
O2
Ps. Sorry if it's a repeat, can't read all 462 previous replies...
How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
haha, I had to look that three times. derp
BREAKING NEWS
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew.
This announcement followed Gordon 's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing Black Harlem teenagers. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how welfare drawing black street gangs from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon 's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon 's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
UPDATE:
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced black crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr., for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed and some photos of Jeff Gordon 's wife in the shower
GilpinGuy
05-05-2015, 18:25
The Dancing Lady
She walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, i never did dance...Never really wanted to." a crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector not wanting to get her toe blown off -- started hopping around. Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am ... But... I've always wanted to."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with older women; they didn't get older by being stupid.
wctriumph
05-06-2015, 06:50
What is the difference between a Technician and a Mechanic?
One washes his hands before he goes to the bathroom.
Zundfolge
05-06-2015, 08:53
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.
<MADDOG>
05-07-2015, 20:09
:)
SuperiorDG
05-14-2015, 12:57
Soon to be deleted ^^^^
[MOD: Yep]
GilpinGuy
05-14-2015, 16:00
Soon to be deleted ^^^^
Perhaps. I don't watch Letterman, but was told this was on his show. Maybe, maybe not.
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By November 29, 2014
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
RblDiver
05-15-2015, 17:26
If you want a good laugh and/or a good cry at the stupidity of people, check out http://notalwaysright.com. This one taken from there (story from a worker at a coffee shop in San Francisco):
Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”
(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)
Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”
(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)
Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”
Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”
Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”
(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)
Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”
(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)
Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”
(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)
Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”
Me: “I-I-I, um…”
Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”
Me: “Uh, you, um…”
Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”
Slapps74
05-25-2015, 22:31
A farmer, a Muslim fanatic
and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Muslim was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out: i t's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley,
cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
henpecked
06-01-2015, 17:29
Tolerance:
Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario,says:
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."
“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot."
“Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."
“Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.”, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
“All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.” Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!
GilpinGuy
06-11-2015, 06:51
· If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
· The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
· We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
· If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
· Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
· When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
· Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
· Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
· Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
· I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson 1952~
· A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
· I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
· Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
· There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~
Great-Kazoo
06-11-2015, 07:43
Who's the happiest person to hear about Bruce Jenner?
Bill Cosby !
Who's the happiest person to hear about Bruce Jenner?
Bill Cosby !
Ouch ! [facepalm]
SuperiorDG
06-16-2015, 13:22
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in... I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.
https://scontent.fphx1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/11666035_885876154832540_905752853638051089_n.jpg? oh=79469e3b9a9732b7319ce2314fa61247&oe=561BFECF
SuperiorDG
08-18-2015, 14:02
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
^ good one
rejoke
but yes, it is a good one.
henpecked
08-19-2015, 17:34
Jared from subway ended his carreer just like he started it.......trying to get into smaller pants
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One morning, after the honeymoon, he was getting his gear ready for another day at the range. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much time at the range and you should probably consider selling your guns."
Tom gets a horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"EX-WIFE!", she screams. "You never told me you were married before!"
Tom's reply, "I wasn't."
https://www.ar-15.co/attachment.php?attachmentid=60674&d=1441068880
One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.
Soon a bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired. When the smoke cleared he couldn't see the bear.
Then there was a tap, tap, tap on his shoulder.
The man turned around and there was the bear, standing 7 feet high, towering over him. The bear said, "you tried to shoot me didn't you?" To which the Hunter replied, "Yes, I'm afraid I did." "Well," said the Bear, "in that case you will have to provide me with a sexual favor"
Having no choice in the matter, the Hunter did as he was told.
That night the Hunter was really angry and vowed to get revenge. So the next day he went to the same spot, only this time he brought a huge elephant gun. Once again the bear appeared and the hunter fired. After the smoke cleared the hunter couldn't see no carcass.
Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me didn't you?"
"Why, yes, I'm afraid I did."
"Well take your pants down and bend over. I'm going to have to screw you again" Having no choice the Hunter did what he was told.
That night the Hunter was really, really angry and resolved that he would get the Bear no matter what.
This time he brought an M60. He went to the same spot and waited until the bear appeared by the stream. He fired off fifty rounds. When the smoke cleared, he couldn't see the bear.
Tap, tap, tap. "You tried to shoot me didn't you?"
The Hunter Gulped. "Yes, I'm afraid I did."
The Bear thought for a moment then said, "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk
HoneyBadger
09-11-2015, 11:54
test
No, you haven't been banned yet... [LOL]
I'm confused about how a picture of a plate of ethnic food is a joke.
Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk
theGinsue
09-17-2015, 20:50
I came to realize this week that people at work (both men & women) have been looking at my butt a lot lately and apparently they really like it. I hear them talking about it behind my back. In fact, again today, just as I left an office of a couple of folks I gave a requirement to, I heard one of the guys say to the other "What an ass!"
Nurse- Doctor, the Invisible Man is here for his appointment.
Doctor- Tell him I can't see him.
RblDiver
09-29-2015, 13:02
Not really a joke, but hilariously brilliant! I give you, Murray's Law! From http://notalwaysright.com/murrays-law/22083
(I work at a complaints and returns desk. We generally get a few unreasonable and abusive customers each day, so we’ve developed a very effective tactic for dealing with them.)
Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”
Customer: “You guys are idiots!”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “Look at this receipt! Look at it!”
(He holds up a receipt for a purchase; it looks normal enough.)
Me: “Is there a problem with it?”
Customer: “God, you’re so dumb! Look how faint the ink is! I can barely read it! You want me to go blind?!”
Me: “Ah, well, it looks like the printer’s ink was running a little low, and it can look faded because of that. Would you like me to reprint it so you can read it?”
Customer: “NO! Then you’ll just get away with it! Stupid idiots!”
(The customer starts getting worked up and begins a rant full of swear words and physical threats. I realise what the situation calls for.)
Me: “I am terribly, terribly sorry sir. That looks like Murray did it. What an idiot!”
(This stops the customer’s rant in his tracks and looks at me, breathless.)
Customer: “…Murray?”
Me: “Yes, Murray! He’s always causing problems for customers like you. It’s really unfair. I’ll deal with it right now.” *calling out* “Murray? Come here!”
(As per protocol, the nearest male coworker who isn’t busy comes over to play the role of Murray.)
Male Coworker: “Yes?”
Me: “How dare you upset this customer! You’re fired! Get out!”
Male Coworker: *acts dejected* “I’m so sorry…”
(“Murray” shuffles off looking like he’s about to cry, and once out of sight gets right back to work.)
Me: “There we are, sir. You don’t have to worry about that sort of thing happening ever again. The customer always comes first, and we take complaints very seriously. Have a nice day!”
Customer: “Wow, you guys are really great! Thanks, and good riddance to that idiot Murray!” *leaves*
(This isn’t simply to avoid confrontation; our manager estimates that using the “Murray” tactic to placate customers like this saves us nearly an hour of verbal abuse each day, so we have more time to actually help the customers who need it.)
Car dealerships use this technique.
I never dreamed slowly cruising through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Studies have shown that motorcycling requires more decisions per second, and more sheer data processing than nearly any other common activity or sport. The reactions and accurate decision making abilities needed have been likened to the reactions of fighter pilots! The consequences of bad decisions or poor situational awareness are pretty much the same for both groups too.Occasionally, as a rider I have caught myself starting to make bad or late decisions while riding. In flight training, my instructors called this being "behind the power curve". It is a mark of experience that when this begins to happen, the rider recognizes the situation, and more importantly, does something about it. A short break, a meal, or even a gas stop can set things right again as it gives the brain a chance to catch up.
Good, accurate, and timely decisions are essential when riding a motorcycle.at least if you want to remain among the living. In short, the brain needs to keep up with the machine.
I had been banging around the roads of east Texas and as I headed back into Dallas, found myself in very heavy, high-speed traffic on the freeways. Normally, this is not a problem, I commute in these conditions daily, but suddenly I was nearly run down by a cage that decided it needed my lane more than I did. This is not normally a big deal either, as it happens around here often, but usually I can accurately predict which drivers are not paying attention and avoid them before we are even close. This one I missed seeing until it was nearly too late, and as I took evasive action I nearly broadsided another car that I was not even aware was there!
Two bad decisions and insufficient situational awareness.all within seconds. I was behind the power curve. Time to get off the freeway. I hit the next exit, and as I was in an area I knew pretty well, headed through a few big residential neighborhoods as a new route home. As I turned onto the nearly empty streets I opened the visor on my full-face helmet to help get some air. I figured some slow riding through the quiet surface streets would give me time to relax, think, and regain that "edge" so frequently required when riding. Little did I suspect.
As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it-it was that close.
I hate to run over animals.and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing the oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his little beady eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" as the leap was spectacular and he flew over the windshield and impacted me squarely in the chest.
Instantly he set upon me. If I did not know better I would have sworn he brought twenty of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light t-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves puttering maybe 25mph down a quiet residential street.and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing.
I grabbed for him with my left hand and managed to snag his tail. With all my strength I flung the evil rodent off the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary pissed-off squirrel. This was an evil attack squirrel of death!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands, and with the force of the throw swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact he landed square on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared as the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in.well.I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel torn t-shirt, and only one leather glove roaring at maybe 70mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street.on one wheel and with a demonic squirrel on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle.my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little affect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is a Scottish attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got IN my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed partway and he began hissing in my face I am quite sure my screaming changed tone and intensity. It seemed to have little affect on the squirrel however. The rpm's on The Dragon maxed out (I was not concerned about shifting at the moment) and her front end started to drop. Now picture the large man on the huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very ragged torn t-shirt, and wearing one leather glove, roaring at probably 80mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out his mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand.I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked.sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of, so to speak.
Picture the scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing one leather glove, moving at probably 80mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under directional control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign at a busy cross street.
I would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. But for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. One of them was on his back in the front yard of the house they had been parked in front of and was rapidly crabbing backwards away from the patrol car. The other was standing in the street and was training a riot shotgun on the police cruiser.
So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I swear I could see the squirrel, standing in the back window of the patrol car among shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery, and shaking his little fist at me. I think he was shooting me the finger. That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made an easy right turn, and sedately left the neighborhood. As for my easy and slow drive home? Screw it. Faced with a choice of 80mph cars and inattentive drivers, or the evil, demonic, attack squirrel of death...I'll take my chances with the freeway. Every time. And I'll buy myself a new pair of gloves.
At breakfast, the husband asked his wife,
“What would you do if I won the lottery?”
She replied, “I’d take half of it and leave you.”!!!
“Great,” he said. “Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday.
Stay in touch.”
RonMexico
10-08-2015, 11:54
Recently heard this one; it's for all the dudes from the south:
What at do you call relative humidity?
The the sweet on your balls after fucking your cousin.
BladesNBarrels
10-17-2015, 10:27
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them that she knows how to use it and that she will if they don't get out of her car. The four men got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges were filed.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.3 Copyright © 2023 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.