View Full Version : Joke of the Day
Calculated
10-17-2015, 19:56
Why did the semen cross the road?
Cause I put on the wrong sock.
HoneyBadger
10-17-2015, 21:52
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great.... that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!"
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great.... that's just great....
Some asshole's got my pen!"
haha, that's awesome HB. My nurse wife just got tagged with that on on a FB post.
Why did the semen cross the road?
Cause I put on the wrong sock.
Well done, welcome aboard.
Roger Ronas
10-18-2015, 16:51
What do a noodle and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
HoneyBadger
10-21-2015, 08:52
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but first, you have to be single and you must also be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
HoneyBadger
10-21-2015, 09:20
A Montana cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Alberta, when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with E-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You’re a Member of Obama's White House Staff," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
"Now give me back my dog."
Slapps74
10-21-2015, 14:02
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that but first, you have to be single and you must also be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
Haha!!!
A very drunk guy stumbles out of the bar onto the street, just as s nun is passing by. The drunk looks at her funny for a moment, then rushes her and slams her up against the wall. He knees her right in the outside of her thigh, then uppercuts her directly in the gut. She can hardly breathe as she slides down the wall to curl into a ball on the sidewalk.
The drunk guy leans over her and slurs
"I guess you're not so tough after all, are ya, BATMAN?!"
Calculated
10-21-2015, 18:52
^^^^^^^^ That is HILARIOUS.
HoneyBadger
10-22-2015, 09:56
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the IRS"
ruthabagah
10-22-2015, 12:01
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the IRS"
Love this one. I knew the other version where the Woman is a divorce attorney....
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
"No", the woman replied.
"I'm with the IRS"
You left out the part where she gave the nickel to an illegal alien falsely claiming 9 dependant children.
According to a news report, a certain private charter school in San Antonio was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of twelve-year-old girls who were beginning to use lipstick would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man, an old retired army master sergeant, would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, who also was a former army chief warrant officer, decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the old sergeant who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ...
and then there are educators.
Sent from my VS880 using Tapatalk
HoneyBadger
10-25-2015, 20:25
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
50-Year Old Mystery Solved
Why was Mayberry so peaceful?
Because----no one was married!
Here are the single people of Mayberry: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd (the barber), Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the Darlin' Family, Helen, Thelma Lou and Clara.....all single!
In fact, the only one who was married was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
....just some food for thought.
GilpinGuy
11-17-2015, 01:54
Not really a joke, but the guys on the Student of the Gun podcast have Crossbreed Holsters as a sponsor. One holster is called the Supertuck.
The guys call it the "Bruce Jenner Commemorative" Supertuck. [LOL]
Slapps74
11-17-2015, 10:11
Haha. That's funny!
For those who have to deal with idiots who don't believe in retaliation against ISIS:
1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "using violence against violence doesn't solve anything."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.
7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
8. Repeat steps 5 through 7 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back."
Checkmate.
BladesNBarrels
11-18-2015, 09:16
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited. The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart and vengeful will, managed to get to his feet, and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."
The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Dear Family and Friends!
I am sorry that I have not been responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).
For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.
Symptoms include, but may not be limited to:
Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.
Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.
Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.
If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.
It is hoped that the cure will be available in November of 2016.
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, for breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and said "what's in the bowl, bitch?"
Marine24
11-30-2015, 09:29
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand..........
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Arkansas and West Virginia.
A newlywed couple, John and Mary were on their honeymoon. They had just entered their hotel room when John began to remove his trousers.
"Oh my good Lord John what happened to your knees?" Mary gasped at the sight of John's severely bowed legs.
To which John replied; "Well my dear Mary at a young age I contracted 'kneasles' nothing to fear though I'm quite healthy I assure you."
John then began to remove his boxer briefs and as they hit the carpeted floor Mary exclaimed "Damn it John you never told me you had a case of the small-cox!"
GilpinGuy
12-21-2015, 01:56
Recent studies suggest that eating two strips of bacon for breakfast daily reduces the risk of becoming a suicide bomber by 100%.
HoneyBadger
12-21-2015, 09:07
An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'
HoneyBadger
12-26-2015, 16:24
A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, “it won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”
Little Johnny Thinks Politics
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive Salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very Good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." "They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!'"
Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a Toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something crappy, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts. Bless his heart.
This is why you should never take your wife to the state fair.
My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.
We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
HoneyBadger
01-05-2016, 20:31
A young serviceman was assigned to guard the entrance to the White House. One morning a man approached and asked to speak to the president, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman, somewhat confused, responded that Mrs. Clinton wasn't the President. The man promptly left. The following day, the same serviceman was approached by the same man asking to speak with the president, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman replied, "Sir, I told you yesterday Mrs. Clinton isn't the President." The man left without further words. On the morning of day three the man again approached the serviceman and asked the to speak with the President, Hillary Clinton. The serviceman responded with professional annoyance, "Sir, I've told you twice before and again right now, Hillary isn't the President! Why do you keep asking me the same question?" "Just to make sure she isn't President," the visitor replies. "See you tomorrow, sir" said the serviceman.
OldFogey
01-14-2016, 15:28
Ted was a cowboy. Ted HATED English lit. Ted also had a girl friend who wanted him to have more culture so he was in English lit. Ted also didn't care much for the class dweeb who always had answers for the questions. One day in class the professor assigned everyone a short poem including the word "Timbuktu". Ted's thinking "Timbuktu? Are you shitting me?" When he sees the dweeb scribbling furiously away. Ted thinks "Screw this! I'll show everyone I can write poetry, too!". Despite Ted's best efforts the dweeb finishes first and raises his hand. The professor asks him to stand and read his poem :
Across the burning desert sands came two Arab caravans, camels laden, two-by-two, destination - Timbuktu!.
The professor congratulated him and noticed that Ted had his hand up and called on him. Ted stood and cleared his throat.
"Tim and I a-hunting went. We spied three hookers in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
RblDiver
01-17-2016, 12:59
(Shamelessly stolen from elsewhere, NSFW)
When the body was first created, all of the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain around and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.
Moral of the story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
http://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/10511264_10203049352149139_8689330899325195475_n.j pg?oh=d101cd04ae5a07edc517561cff9fb4c1&oe=5730F468
How to give a cat a pill:
1. - Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. - Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. - Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. - Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. - Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. - Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. - Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9. - Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. - Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. - Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. - Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. - Tie the little @!!@#@#$%’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. - Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. - Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able
to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids
that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month
to the doctor and the doctor said,
‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple
had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we
went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...
I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet,
who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the
bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure.’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream.
I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast ?’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
A man was telling his neighbor,
‘I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty..’
Maurice , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Maurice walking down
the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Maurice and said,
‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Maurice replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc:
‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’’
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said,
‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
A little old man shuffled slowly into
an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,
painfully, up onto a stool …
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
Calculated
04-11-2016, 03:02
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school in North Carolina and he visited a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy’. So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him that would be a tragedy.
“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff killing everyone that would be a tragedy!"
“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, at the back of the room. Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher held her breath!
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss…and you can bet your ass it wouldn’t be an accident either!”
The teacher fainted!
Subject: What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on the subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father,
what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes and lack of a bath!'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his
paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized .
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
JohnTRourke
04-12-2016, 14:13
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend," can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . he's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a ********, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment , be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
Scanker19
04-12-2016, 15:20
How many divorced guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. All the light sockets stayed with the house.
Slapps74
04-12-2016, 15:21
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend," can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her . he's naked as well! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a ********, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment , be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
Haha!!
It just struck me.
Heidi Cruz has got to be Stifler's Aunt.
A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they settled in their seats a woman across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, " Are all these kids yours?" He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Zundfolge
06-12-2016, 16:55
Already a good tasteless "too soon" joke has arisen from the Orlando shooting:
So a Muslim walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
And the Muslim replies. "Shots for everyone!"
I'm not too ashamed that I giggled a little bit at that one.
SuperiorDG
06-16-2016, 12:59
My Mommy, The Dancer
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children in her class what their mothers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- teacher, nurse, businesswoman, saleswoman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, So when the teacher gently prodded him about his mother, He replied, "Well my mother's an exotic dancer in a club and takes off all her clothes in front of men, and they put money in her underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, she will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this bold statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to quietly ask him, "Is that really true about your mother, dear?"
Nope," the boy said, "She works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that In front of the other kids."
I like my women like my coffee, without other guys dicks in it.
SuperiorDG
07-12-2016, 07:07
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
************************
Tech support: “Okey, Beth, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
Zundfolge
08-20-2016, 14:24
This came up in a discussion somewhere else on the difference between a Democracy and a Republic:
Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
A Constitutional Republic is two wolves and a lamb (who each represent thousands of citizens that elected them) voting on what to have for lunch.
However, they operate under a Constitution that states that eating mutton is illegal.
The modern American Constitutional Republic is two wolves and a lamb (who each represent thousands of citizens that elected them) voting on what to have for lunch.
They also operate under a Constitution that states that eating mutton is illegal. But the Supreme Court has ruled that mutton doesn't mean lamb.
A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read. Check it out below.
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
A nun and a novice were driving through the Irish countryside when a devil suddenly materialized on the hood of their car.
Novice: Oh My! What shall we do?
Nun: Quick! Show him your cross.
Novice: [Sticking her head out the window and screaming] Get your ass off of our car, you ugly little fucker.
Bob is talking to one of his Bros, and says , something terrible is happening and I have to talk to someone about it."
The Bro asked, "What's wrong?"
Bob replied, "I think my ol lady is poisoning me."
The Bro, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
Bob then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Bro then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Bro calls Bob and says. "I spoke to your ol lady...In fact I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Yes,,,,says Bob, and the bro replies,
Drink the poison Bob........ drink the poison.......
The Manitoba Herald
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past few hours, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Party winning the Presidency, the Senate and the House is prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota . “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half- dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Trying to reassure his liberal base and get them to return to the U.S., President Obama reiterated what he said in his press conference following the beating the democrats took in the last election: "I heard from the 1/3 of the electorate that voted, but I also heard from the 2/3 that did not vote." Who knew the president was clairvoyant?
He also said the reason the democrats got their a$$es whipped wasn't because of HIS policies, but rather because the dems did not get his message out to the people. You gotta love a guy that takes responsibility when something goes wrong even when it's the first time.
Bentsight
11-15-2016, 12:39
I like my women like my coffee, without other guys dicks in it.
I like my women like my coffee too, tall, hot and in large cups.
The Parable of the Stick:
Once upon a time, the chief caveman of the Ug tribe decided that his guys didn't have effective enough sticks. They just didn't have that authoritative *thwack!* he was looking for when whopped over the head of neighboring Thog warriors, and some of their womenfolk even struggled while they were being dragged off by the hair.
So Chief Ug put out a contract for a million new sticks for his guys. His chief stick contractor put his head together with his chief R&D guy, and announced they could deliver the new Fifth Generation sticks, made of superstickium and guaranteed to have 50% greater *thwack!* than any forseeable enemy stick, for fifty-one clams each. Chief Ug was delighted, and the program got underway.
Unfortunately, the clam harvest was bad that year, plus a new peace treaty and trade agreement was signed with the Thog tribe, and suddenly the chief realized that maybe he didn't need a million shiny new sticks, and so he cut the order to 100.
"Sorry, Chief," said the guys at Stick Dynamics, "But a lot of this program is sunk costs already: engineering the superstickium, planting the superstickium orchards, training guys to whittle superstickium, cleaning up the superstickium waste in a way that won't piss off the Cave Protection Agency... Those are gonna be some mighty expensive sticks."
The Stick Dynamics accountant started counting on his toes, always a bad sign. "For a hundred-stick production run, you're looking at... um... carry the little toe... About five hundred thousand and one clams per stick."
The chief was apoplectic. "You promised me fifty-one clams a stick! The shamans are going to go ballistic when they hear this; they'll be joking about gold-plated sticks and hundred-thousand clam stick whittlers from now 'til when the moon is eaten by the night dragon!"
"That was based on a million stick contract, Chief. Actual production costs are only about a clam per stick, the rest is amortizing the R&D and developm..."
Nobody heard the rest because the chief whacked him over the noggin with the sole prototype stick and stalked off. It did *thwack!* just as promised.
The Chief never used the stick in war again, though: A stick that cost fifty-million-and-one clams is just too valuable to risk in combat. If it broke, the bad press would be horrible.
Velocitas, Opprimere,
Violentia Operandi
Scanker19
11-15-2016, 15:33
I like my women like my coffee too, tall, hot and in large cups.
I also like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.
Rucker61
11-15-2016, 15:52
Dear Family and Friends!
I am sorry that I have not been responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue (PIST-AWF).
For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.
Symptoms include, but may not be limited to:
Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing the President pander to Muslim terrorists.
Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.
Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.
If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic Whitehouse Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure.
It is hoped that the cure will be available in November of 2016.
Well?
BladesNBarrels
12-16-2016, 12:45
Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."
Well, we're hosed...
http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/12/top-officials-fear-isis-now-using-reflective-belts/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Duffel+Blog&utm_content=Pentagon+officials+fear+ISIS+militants +now+armed+with+reflective+belts
Devastated.
A very sad day today.
After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Well, we're hosed...
http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/12/top-officials-fear-isis-now-using-reflective-belts/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Duffel+Blog&utm_content=Pentagon+officials+fear+ISIS+militants +now+armed+with+reflective+belts
On the way to work this morning, some guys were walking on the side of the road, rucking. Reflective belts location? On their rucks, not visible to the oncoming traffic they were facing as they walked.
On the way to work this morning, some guys were walking on the side of the road, rucking. Reflective belts location? On their rucks, not visible to the oncoming traffic they were facing as they walked.
All 3 bases I was stationed at required that on our road marches. Even in air assault school with a 20 mile march starting at 0400 we had to wrap it around our ruck. Though I guess if you wrap it around your waist the ruck covers the back part of it.
All 3 bases I was stationed at required that on our road marches. Even in air assault school with a 20 mile march starting at 0400 we had to wrap it around our ruck. Though I guess if you wrap it around your waist the ruck covers the back part of it.
Well aware of the soft-safety initiatives... they just make no sense when one is walking against traffic and the reflective portion is on the back.
Tell this joke to someone.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know, why?
To get to the idiots house.
Knock knock
who's there
the chicken
Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What is your name?” – asked the teacher.
“Mohammed”. . . – answered the kid.
“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” – asked his mother.
“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”
“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Johnny"?
“Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs.”
Velocitas, Opprimere,
Violentia Operandi
15 Thoughts For Seniors
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 15 pounds by New Year’s 2017. Good news only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget five others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Daylight Savings Time ended on November 6, 2016. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
http://images1.tickld.com/live/articles/a_1151_20141221222309.jpg
RblDiver
01-12-2017, 18:33
Lol, taken from one of my FB friends:
Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Litle Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom, and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"
Lol, taken from one of my FB friends:
Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Litle Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom, and he began to cry.
The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"
That's awesome. Posted to my wife's page sinces she's an ex EMT-P turned labor nurse.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The
wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a
lot to do, she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it
at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."
Stolen from Reddit... https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mu78r/so_i_decided_to_draw_penises_as_my_credit_card/
Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an ass hole.
With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For ****s sake, it could have been a stolen card.
I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy ****, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:
I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
**** OFF
**** YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF
Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:
http://i.imgur.com/wwPwR.jpg
Yes, I know, it's not my best artwork, but I didn't have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH *!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my *ty drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."
At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.
Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card. Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that. Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine. The guy behind me bursts into laughter. Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it. Manager: I guess you learned your lesson. Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis. The guy behind me now can't stop laughing. Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again. Kingpin: Fair enough. Manager: This time, really sign it.
So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.
So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really **** with them.
The Pope in Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He hurried over there and found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
http://drivetrips.net/frstuff/arguing-woman.jpg
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't go to waste if the bottle broke, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"
"Don't F*** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
BladesNBarrels
03-18-2017, 11:49
It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting.
He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless.
Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.
An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, "Whose?"
osok-308
03-20-2017, 22:03
It was halfway through the school year and the principal was lecturing the teachers during a faculty meeting.
He presented a painful list of all their failures, flaws and shortcomings. The list of transgressions seemed endless.
Then he announced that the science club was sponsoring a blood drive, and that, to promote faculty involvement, he would donate the first pint of blood.
An anxious voice from the rear of the room asked, "Whose?"
Hahahaha. Great
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?
You may opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet.
You may then shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
http://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/images/user3303/imageroot/2017/03/21/20170323_medicareG.jpg
Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, enjoy the rest of your week!
Source: Unknown
JohnTRourke
03-31-2017, 08:07
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends largely on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, World Health Organisation and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, South African, New Zealand and British men between 60 and 75 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese…
JohnTRourke
03-31-2017, 18:49
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.
The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying "Never mind, boys, I'll get it."
The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM"
BladesNBarrels
04-06-2017, 17:27
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”
GilpinGuy
04-08-2017, 23:21
Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria? Only Targets.
Zundfolge
04-11-2017, 11:24
A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he gets it home it bangs all 150 of the farmer's hens. The farmer is impressed. Later in the afternoon it bangs all 150 of the hens again.
The next day after banging the 150 hens it starts screwing ducks and geese on the farm too.
Later that afternoon the farmer finds the rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard passed out and almost dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer looks down at him and says "You deserved it, you horny little bastard."
The rooster opens one eye, points up at the sky and says "Shhhh ... they're about to land!"
Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria? Only Targets.
Ouch...[facepalm]
The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!
ACE2GOOD
04-12-2017, 15:01
Fact ^^^ haha
RblDiver
04-12-2017, 17:17
Lol TFogger, that's a slight variation on my grandpa's favorite joke. His punchline: "And there have been asses in high places ever since!"
(My mom also tells it describing the rain as "A real gullywasher and trashmover!")
Zundfolge
04-14-2017, 15:37
On a flight from LA to Sydney there was this blonde woman sitting in Coach. She got up to go to the bathroom and noticed that there were empty seats in 1st Class so she decided when she finished her business she'd just take one of those empty seats.
Once one of the flight attendants discovered her sitting in the 1st Class seat she said to her "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're going to have to return to your seat in Coach".
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Sydney".
The flight attendant went to the cabin and told the captain that there was a woman that wouldn't return to her seat in coach.
The captain came back and said to the woman "I'm really sorry, but you paid for a Coach seat, not a 1st Class so you're just going to have to return to your seat."
The blonde replied again obstinately, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Sydney".
The captain went back to the cockpit and told the co-pilot to call ahead to Sydney and have the police ready for when they land and he said "You say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde, I speak blonde, let me give it a try."
So the co-pilot went back to the lady, whispered something in her ear and she said "Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go back to my seat". She got up and returned to Coach.
The Pilot asked the co-pilot what he said and he replied "I just told her that 1st Class wasn't going to Sydney."
BladesNBarrels
06-18-2017, 11:00
Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work.
Not only that, they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy.
A blonde sees a house on fire, so she dials 911.
Operator: "Hello, what's your emergency?"
Blonde: "There's a house on fire! Send the fire department!"
Operator: "How do we get there?"
Blonde: "Well, DUH! Big red truck! "
RblDiver
06-29-2017, 14:52
Not really a joke, but a comment I saw on a board today and got a chuckle out of:
I once made a comment to my dad about how it's a lot harder for a lady to pee off the side of a boat. He said, "Oh, it's impossible for a lady. But some females can pull it off"
Not the best written joke...
But the next time you see someone wearing a corduroy jacket or pair of pants, get their attention, point at the article of clothing that's in question, and state "did you know that was Helen Keller's favorite color?"
JohnTRourke
07-02-2017, 18:16
A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are on a camping trip. The Californian takes a bottle of chardonnay from his backpack and takes a swig from it, then tosses it into the air and blows it apart with a Glock. The Texan and Oregonian protest and the Californian says: We have that stuff coming out our ears, it's no big deal.
The Texan, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of premium tequila, takes a drink then throws it into the air and blasts it to pieces with a revolver. He says: Got tons of it it, no big deal.
The Oregonian chugs a bottle of IPA, then takes a shotgun from his backpack and blows the Californian away. The Texan stares at him aghast until the Oregonian says: We have lots of those. But this bottle is worth five cents.
wctriumph
07-02-2017, 18:58
^^^^^^^
LOL. That was good for late in the day.
JohnTRourke
07-05-2017, 00:20
A family goes to the circus - mom, dad, and their son. The elephant act comes out & the son asks his mom, "Mom, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant?" His mom says "That's his trunk." "No, I mean the long thing in the back." "That's his tail." "No, the other long thing hanging down in the back, between his legs." Mom says "Uh, that's nothing. I'm going to go get us some sodas." So after she leaves, the kid turns to his dad & says "Dad, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant? Not his trunk, not his tail, the other long thing hanging down between his legs." His dad says "Oh. Well, that's the elephant's penis." The son says "So how come when I asked Mom what it was, she said it was nothing?" Dad put his arm around his boy & said "Son, I have spoiled that woman."
JohnTRourke
07-05-2017, 11:15
Chester tried out for a bit part in a broadway bound musical. His brother got him an audition. "Look, it's easy" said the brother "you only have one line, here it is" "Hark, the cannons roar".
Chester auditioned and he got the bit part. He faithfully attended every rehearsal. Delivered his line, right on time.
On the day of the premiere Chester oversleeps.
He runs to the theater, the guy at the stage door stops him, asks "who are you?" Chester says "I'm 'hard, the cannons roar'" Oh my gosh, get in to make up right away, you're late!"
Chester goes to make up, gets in costume, then goes to the stage manager. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark, the cannons roar" answers Chester. "Great you are on in 5 seconds, get out there"
Chester runs on stage, right on cue. All of a sudden a tremendous BOOM comes from the sound system. Chester shouts
"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???"
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
Oh fuck, that got me
BladesNBarrels
07-07-2017, 15:49
One day three golfers were playing a round of golf.
They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off.
One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway.
He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight.
The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway.
"You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass.
" Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life."
BladesNBarrels
07-07-2017, 15:51
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
BladesNBarrels
07-12-2017, 11:23
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what exactly would you say?"
BladesNBarrels
07-14-2017, 11:05
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.
BladesNBarrels
07-17-2017, 15:37
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames.
He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.
Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.
When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000.
Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money.
The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"
BladesNBarrels
08-01-2017, 08:43
An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone ...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.
Unless you are in Minneapolis, blonde, wearing pajamas in which case you would have been shot
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off. An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." She didn't jump.
In response to the Taurus 'Judge' and Smith & Wessons 'Governor', Ruger is coming out with a new handgun called 'The Congressman', only it doesn't work and you can't fire it.
BladesNBarrels
08-22-2017, 15:29
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
BPTactical
08-22-2017, 16:51
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
You look for the fresh prints
SideShow Bob
08-22-2017, 16:54
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
You look for the fresh prints
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI&sns=em
BladesNBarrels
08-25-2017, 08:59
A man appears before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
The man did not hesitate to say "Absolutely, on a trip near Reno I met a group of bikers who were threatening a lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I walked up to the biggest, meanest-looking biker and kicked his bike over before punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the shin. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll beat the tar out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
ROTFLOL
JohnTRourke
09-14-2017, 07:59
Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.
“Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”
When she didn’t stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.
“God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”
A while later the teacher asked “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.
Jimmy poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.
“Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.
Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Jimmy jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A**!!”
The teacher fainted.
hurley842002
09-14-2017, 08:33
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender pointed to the door, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
JohnTRourke
09-14-2017, 15:34
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
^^ I laughed harder than I probably should have...
BladesNBarrels
09-26-2017, 08:42
One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the farmer said. "Well, then just give me the donkey." said the boy. "What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.
The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said. " How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know. The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets." "Wait a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00". "You're right", said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back." (The boy grew up and became the CEO of Enron.)
GilpinGuy
10-05-2017, 23:13
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
>
> The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
>
> The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
>
> General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
>
> Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
>
> Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
>
> According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings can be attributed to Rosie O'Donnell and Maxine Waters; many more Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
OtterbatHellcat
10-06-2017, 17:32
Comedian Ralphie May died today....that sucks, he was a funny dude.
Comedian Ralphie May died today....that sucks, he was a funny dude.BOO...
Ralphie had some funny material.
I'm going to assume heart attack?
Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk
OtterbatHellcat
10-06-2017, 21:16
Contracted pneumonia and then had the heart attack.
OtterbatHellcat
10-11-2017, 20:53
Man walks into a bar, and the sign says free drinks all night if you can reach the meat hanging from the top of the ceiling.
But, the bartender says, " If you fail to reach the meat, you have to buy rounds for the rest of the bar for the rest of the night."
The guy looks up at the ceiling and says "Nah,.........the steaks are too high".
OtterbatHellcat
10-11-2017, 20:59
A mans grandmother had been feeling ill recently, and had been admitted into the hospital for further evaluation.
During the diagnosis and further testing, she had taken a turn for the worst....and had become unresponsive, but still alive.
When the doctor addressed the man about her latest condition, he said that it had become clear that his Grandmothers brain had no further activity at all, but her heart was still beating.
The man paused, and said...oh dear Lord!.......we've never had a Democrat in the family before.
A female deer walks out of the woods. She stops, looks behind her, and says “I’ll never do that for two bucks again”,
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
BladesNBarrels
10-20-2017, 15:55
A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law.
Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip.
For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible.
They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away.
On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager.
A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack.
The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00.
If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00.
The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day.
The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision.
"I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager.
"That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00".
"Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband,
"And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave.
For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"
...https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20171021/baca0a85f3c927e0ff8f525e28601b52.jpg
Sent from my SM-G920T using Tapatalk
BladesNBarrels
10-22-2017, 08:23
A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it.
When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state.
He didn't think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''
BladesNBarrels
10-22-2017, 09:02
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass.
It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier"
BladesNBarrels
10-27-2017, 09:01
A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit.
The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.
"Nonsense," says the game warden.
"It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me".
"I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden.
So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"
A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law.
Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip.
For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible.
They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away.
On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager.
A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack.
The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00.
If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00.
The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day.
The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision.
"I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager.
"That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00".
"Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband,
"And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave.
For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"Like
BladesNBarrels
11-04-2017, 09:06
A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the birds vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing he had hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the birds attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
OtterbatHellcat
11-23-2017, 00:16
Nice....!
JohnTRourke
11-26-2017, 17:05
What did Socialists use before candles ?
.... Electricity.
Thats a good one. And sad too.
Does that go for Progressives too?
This is a great joke, short, dark and real. Consider it stolen.
OtterbatHellcat
11-26-2017, 21:24
[ROFL2]......
72777
[Dunno]
Not really sure if this belongs in the joke section. Mods feel free to move to its proper place.
OtterbatHellcat
12-11-2017, 19:50
Nope...it's in the right place.
:D
JohnTRourke
12-29-2017, 08:40
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
buffalobo
12-30-2017, 01:16
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like hell!!!A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock...
If you're unarmed, you are a victim
buffalobo
12-30-2017, 01:36
Here is another one I got off of another forum long time ago.
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but ‘he tells it like it is’ without cursing.
.....................
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 – My left eye will not open.
5 – My right eye will not close.
6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
If you're unarmed, you are a victim
I lost my shit at #8.
Same here. LOL
JohnTRourke
01-16-2018, 18:36
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Air Force pilot fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Army pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'
.
The Naval Aviator started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties…
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' ....the Naval Aviator replied, 'These are Carols.'
theGinsue
02-02-2018, 12:45
Thinking I was snacking on a new coffee flavored Grape Nuts this morning, I accidentally ate a whole bowl of instant coffee crystals. I'd probably be able to get a lot of work done if I could just stop shaking.
Veron comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand and pebbles,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand and pebbles.
He detains Veron overnight and has the sand and pebbles analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand and pebbles in two bags.
The guard releases Veron, puts the sand and pebbles into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?”
“Sand and pebbles,”replies Veron.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand and pebbles.
He gives the sand back to Veron, and Veron crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for six months.
Finally, Veron doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It makes me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Veron sips his tequila and says, “Bicycles.”
Scanker19
02-02-2018, 18:13
“Hey, Natalie Wood, do you want to take a shower?”
“No thanks, I think I’ll just wash up on shore.”
“Hey, Natalie Wood, do you want to take a shower?”
“No thanks, I think I’ll just wash up on shore.”Ouch
Sent from somewhere
GilpinGuy
02-03-2018, 11:11
The cops came to my house this morning, saying that a neighbor reported that my dogs were chasing people riding bikes.
I politely told the officer that my dogs don't ride bikes.
“Hey, Natalie Wood, do you want to take a shower?”
“No thanks, I think I’ll just wash up on shore.”
Well, looking this up was my history lesson for the day.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”
mattiooo
03-02-2018, 17:42
A man goes to a witch doctor and begs him to help him remove a curse.
The man says "Help me! I've been afflicted with this curse for 15 years and I just can't take it anymore."
The witch doctor says "I can help you with the curse as long as you know the exact words of the curse put upon you."
The man replies "No problem!" They are "I now pronounce you man and wife."
RblDiver
03-12-2018, 15:09
Not exactly a joke, but still good. Taken from FB:
This whole changing the clock thing is stupid. Whichever politician vows to abolish Daylight Savings Time has my vote. If Trump tweeted right now that he would fight to leave the clocks the same all year, his poll numbers would go up 20 points.
Republican, Democrat, doesn’t matter. This should be a bipartisan issue. I don’t care if you are a dippy socialist we should all be able to reach across the aisle and say this clock crap is dumb, I’m going back to sleep.
And don’t tell me Mew Mew Mew Think Of The Farmers! Nonsense. I grew up on a farm. Farmers hate it too. Farmers haven’t given a crap about this since mankind stuck a headlight on a tractor. And cows don’t look at the clock. Cows are all like “Milk me now, asshole, before I explode.”
I have a job where I get up and work from home whenever I feel like it. Yet even I am not immune to the relentless soul sucking scourge of clock changing, because I have four surly, grumpy, tired children, who are going to be extra pissy for a month because Ben Franklin had a bright idea back before we’d invented the lightbulb and only millionaires owned a watch.
But the government loves it some stupid pointless shit. Here is a program despised by everybody to the point that the rest of us are actually all jealous of people living in the scorpion infested 127 degree wastelands of Arizona. Like you lucky bastards, sure, the sun there is hot enough to make metal soft, but you don’t have to mess with your stupid clocks!
And now Florida Man gets out of it too? Florida? The state legislature that just banned a gun part that can literally be replicated with a belt loop and your thumb, had the sense to get rid of Daylight Savings and the rest of us didn’t. How friggin pathetic does that make the rest of us?
No more! (To paraphrase my liberal friends) Won’t someone think of the children!? The grumpy, surly children...
My clocks, my choice!
GilpinGuy
03-16-2018, 17:04
The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast!
JohnTRourke
03-18-2018, 07:22
Irishman's First Drink With His Son
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it?
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!
DISCLAIMER: I used this in an L&P thread, also.
So, if I have a slide fire or bump stock, does that mean I have "High Yield Stocks" in my portfolio that perform above average?
Sent from somewhere
BladesNBarrels
04-09-2018, 08:14
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Little Dutch
04-09-2018, 10:13
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
Nicely done.
The calif D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on Calif hwys recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
JohnTRourke
04-13-2018, 18:55
a Swift driver once that got mad at his wife, threw her out of the truck, shot her six times and drove off.....
Another Swift driver saw it happen, did first aid, patched her up, filled back up with air and now she runs with him..
BPTactical
04-13-2018, 20:15
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?
SSChameleon
04-13-2018, 20:20
What's the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?
Your wife can’t take a joke?
BPTactical
04-13-2018, 20:41
Your wife can’t take a joke?
My wife can but your mom can't.
BladesNBarrels
04-14-2018, 08:57
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.
A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed debating the "bail-out packages," so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.
"But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.
Bailey Guns
05-24-2018, 11:27
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
[LOL]
GilpinGuy
05-25-2018, 21:40
74921
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
ROFLMAO! [ROFL2]
BladesNBarrels
06-06-2018, 08:52
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 -- but then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. The officer said, "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
Bailey Guns
06-06-2018, 14:36
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?", asked the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you need to borrow one. Or I can give my Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment then said, "Yeah...you'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
Bailey Guns
06-07-2018, 22:43
Little boy comes down to breakfast. Because they live on a farm, his mother asks whether he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off. He goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken; so, you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig; so, you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow; so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and asks, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
BladesNBarrels
06-12-2018, 08:45
One night, my husband, Lee, a retired Army colonel, was watching a program on TV about paratroopers. As a D-Day jumper began to comment, my husband exclaimed, "That's Jack Norton! I served in both Korea and Vietnam with him."
After a few minutes of silence, Lee quietly remarked, "You know you're getting old when your friends start showing up on the History Channel!"
OtterbatHellcat
06-23-2018, 15:31
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
GilpinGuy
06-24-2018, 08:51
My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met. [LOL]
President Trump is walking out of the White House and headed towards his limo when a assassin steps forward and aims a gun at him.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald, duck!”
BladesNBarrels
07-12-2018, 11:32
A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
theGinsue
09-06-2018, 12:12
Dad jokes:
(This one is better said than read, but...)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
(Here you go Star Wars fans)
I grilled up a wookie last night; it was Chewie.
BladesNBarrels
09-08-2018, 09:07
Eighty years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian who lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long life.
The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions.
"On what day of the week did the event take place?" the reporter asked.
"Wednesday," replied the chief.
"What was Custer wearing?"
"Black uniform ... ceremony sword ... old hat."
"What did Custer eat for breakfast?"
"Eggs." The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left and never published his article.
Ten years later, the journalist was driving through the same small town. He decided to see if the old chief was still living. To his surprise, the chief was.
As the journalist walked in, he raised his hand in the air to the chief and said, "How!"
The chief replied, "Over easy, potatoes on the side."
theGinsue
09-10-2018, 17:27
The Lawyer--
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy it .
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie (as we all know, lawyers cannot, and do not lie).
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes, and the price was right.
The agent asked:"How many children do you have?”
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look, answered, “They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words, and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
GilpinGuy
09-17-2018, 05:27
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
Great-Kazoo
09-18-2018, 08:30
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem. ”
Dr. Saul says, "So, tell me about the dog and the problem. ”
"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, Fetch!"
Seth the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing.
And you only call me when you want something.
And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis.
You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet.
It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!
And do you ever take me for a decent walk?
NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home.
Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!
I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
Dr. Saul is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?"
Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch."
BladesNBarrels
09-18-2018, 10:40
A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
ChickNorris
09-20-2018, 09:39
What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese was.
GilpinGuy
10-05-2018, 19:04
Did you know that Star Trek's Spock actually had three ears?
He had a left ear, a right ear, and a final front-ear.
*Half the audience just teleported home.
LOL. Well done.
GilpinGuy
10-09-2018, 17:31
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
(Sorry, I'm really into the dad jokes these days)
ChickNorris
10-09-2018, 17:35
What do you get when you plant kisses?
Option #1. TULIPS
Option #2. HERPES
ChickNorris
10-09-2018, 18:12
There are two types of people in this world:
1. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data
ChickNorris
10-09-2018, 18:18
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because it'd be a chicken sedan if it had 4.
ChickNorris
10-09-2018, 20:51
Knock knock
.................Whos there?
Little old lady
................. Little old lady who?
I just taught you how to yodel!
Try it
68Charger
10-10-2018, 06:33
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because it'd be a chicken sedan if it had 4.
Ours has 3 doors, so that makes it a hatchback...
Pun intended, of course.
ChickNorris
10-10-2018, 07:54
Ours has 3 doors, so that makes it a hatchback...
Pun intended, of course.
[Beer]
How can you tell when a hot pepper is angry?
They get jalapeno face.
ChickNorris
10-10-2018, 15:47
Hehe Justin
ChickNorris
10-11-2018, 15:47
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby.
Scanker19
10-12-2018, 18:30
This guy goes to a new bar and orders the special drink. He likes it so he orders a few more and gets wasted. The next day he comes in the bar and asks the bartender, “what was in the drink? I went home and blew chunks...”
Bartenders says, “look it’s okay, we all throw up after drinking too much..”
The guy says, “chunks is my dog...”
BladesNBarrels
10-14-2018, 10:08
Because our new refrigerator was taller than our old one, I told my wife I'd have to cut away part of an overhanging cabinet to make it fit.
Not wanting to mess it up, I called a local radio home-fix-it program for advice. I was in the middle of getting the instructions when my wife burst into the room.
"You won't believe this," she said, "but there's a guy on the radio with the same problem!"
BPTactical
10-19-2018, 20:24
You know how you keep a bunch of morons in suspense?
SideShow Bob
10-19-2018, 21:21
You know how you keep a bunch of morons in suspense?
Yes we do know how..... Put Bert in round room and tell him there’s a dollar in the corner.....
That was old when Moses was pushing stone blocks for the pyramids......
BPTactical
10-20-2018, 08:36
I will tell you guys later
The guy who invented Spell Check died last week. May he rust in piss.
ChickNorris
10-23-2018, 23:02
Whats the difference between a chickpea & a lentil?
I don't know anyone who'd pay $200 to have a lentil on their face.
Ha!
Is that from Jim Norton?
BladesNBarrels
11-01-2018, 09:56
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:22
Why aren't little girls known for farting?
The don't get A**holes until they're Married.
Meh
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:23
What do you call a Nanny with implants?
A faux pair
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:28
Why did the tomato blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:31
What do hillbillies do for fun?
Pump kin.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:32
What's worse than a cardboard box?
Paper jugs
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:34
What's the difference between a dog & a fox?
7 shots of jagermeister
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:36
What should you do if you find your spouse staggering around?
Aim higher
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:40
Why do doctors smack a baby's behind just after being born?
To knock the nub off the smart/dumb ones.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:44
What is the best thing to come out of Wales?
The M4
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:45
How does every good joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:49
Confucius once said that lingerie is not the best thing on earth, just next to it.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:50
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he has his head under a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:52
What does DNA stand for?
National Association of Dyslexics
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:56
Confucius once said a foolish man gives his wife a grand piano & a wise man gives his wife an upright organ.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 11:58
Why don't women ever blink during foreplay?
They don't have enough time.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 12:00
How can you tell when your husband is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer
Circuits
11-01-2018, 12:01
Quite the roll there, ChickNorris.
How do you throw a party in outer space?
You planet.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 12:03
Confucius once said that war doesnt determine who is right, war determines who is left.
ChickNorris
11-01-2018, 12:03
Whew... finally!
Bailey Guns
11-01-2018, 16:28
How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
She starts by saying, "A man once told me..."
ChickNorris
11-02-2018, 17:55
How do cooped hens stay fit ?
They eggs-ercise.
Honey Badger282.8
11-03-2018, 00:01
Did you hear about the dog that was cut in half?
He was all right.
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 10:45
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and an ancillary half a dozen donuts.
Scanker19
11-03-2018, 10:46
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and an ancillary half a dozen donuts.
I tired that trick once with Cheerios, all the girls laughed at me.
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 10:46
Who is the most popular gal at the nudist colony?
The gal who asks if anyone minds if she takes the last donut.
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 10:49
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Other parts go south & vapor lock.
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 10:55
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and an ancillary half a dozen donuts.
I tired that trick once with Cheerios, all the girls laughed at me.
Ah, but the most popular girl turned (those) Cheerios into Nuts & Honey!
Ba dum tss
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 11:01
You know why they call it a Wonder Bra?
You wonder where they went.
ChickNorris
11-03-2018, 11:03
Confucius once say... the best thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new people each & every day.
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