View Full Version : Joke of the Day

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11-03-2018, 11:04
Is there a difference between a battery & a woman?

Yep, the positive.

11-03-2018, 11:08
What should you do if your partner starts smoking?

Use lubricant.

11-03-2018, 11:14
What do you call that weird piece of skin at the end?

The man.

11-03-2018, 11:16
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

11-03-2018, 11:18
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head.


11-03-2018, 11:19
& a woman with one leg shorter than the other?


11-03-2018, 11:20
& a man who has been underground for 100 years?


11-03-2018, 11:21
What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You don't hear an enzyme.

11-03-2018, 11:23
& a man with a shovel?

Doug, of course.

11-03-2018, 11:24
& a man alone in the sea?


11-03-2018, 11:25
How are men and parking spots alike?

Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped.
The majority are too small.

11-03-2018, 11:28
Why was Eve created?

Somebody had to iron Adam’s leaf.

11-03-2018, 11:30
Why do chickens lift one leg while they sleep?

Because they can't lift both without falling over.

11-03-2018, 11:34
How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

11-03-2018, 11:36
What do you call a man with a car on his head?


11-03-2018, 11:37
Confucius once said... a man with a hole in his pocket feels cocky all day.

11-03-2018, 11:41
A lady walked into a Bentley dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect, and fully equiped automobile she had ever seen.

As she approached the car to inspect it closer, she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed; standing right there behind her was a salesman, who nonetheless greeted her with a pleasant smile:

- Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication, and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked:

- Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied:

- Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’re gonna sh*t when you hear the price!

11-03-2018, 11:42

11-03-2018, 12:16
& a woman with one leg shorter than the other?


And if she's Asian?


11-03-2018, 12:32
And if she's Asian?


And where do they both work?


11-03-2018, 12:45
: D

11-03-2018, 12:54
Why should the bride always wear white?

Because it is good for the dishwasher to match (the other appliances).

11-03-2018, 12:56
Why is it difficult to find men who are kind, caring and good looking?

They’ve got boyfriends already.

11-03-2018, 12:58
Whats the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?

Smack it & see which stops sucking.

Oh yes i did say that. Doh!

11-03-2018, 12:59
Done. Before I get into trouble...

11-03-2018, 13:00
Exit, Theater right.

11-03-2018, 14:17
What do you call a leper in a bathtub?


11-03-2018, 15:29
Irving! Take a picture & it can be StewArt

11-03-2018, 15:40
Have to use food coloring.

11-04-2018, 10:25
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

11-04-2018, 10:59
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

Ah, yes the jokes on them & that is pretty funny. Another way...

I've done something of similar sentiment but rather than waiting for them to leave, I waited for them to return, re-enter the vehicle & buckle up. Not being shy, I walked up to the car, opened the door while they sat there wide eyed and confused & said 'You dropped this Sir'. Then, not so politely I returned their discarded food containers to express my displeasure at their lack of consideration.

11-04-2018, 11:01
I've done that once as well. ^

11-04-2018, 11:14
Unfortunately, the reservoir of my remaining jokes are not appropriate for print if assuming the ones I've already shared ever were. I'll have to stockpile & revisit this thread after I sort for more 'Dad' jokes that everyone can enjoy.

Um, what's a pirate's favorite song?

Shake, shake shake.
Shake shake shake.
Shake your bootie. Aeow yeah...

11-04-2018, 11:28
What do you call two canaries?


11-04-2018, 11:56
Whats the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?

Smack it & see which stops sucking.

Oh yes i did say that. Doh!

Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across a set of tracks. One claims they are moose tracks, while the other is sure that they are bear tracks. While they are arguing, they both are run over by a train.

Is #blondelife a thing? Maybe it should be.

11-04-2018, 14:05
Three nuns died in a terrible car crash. At the Pearly Gates they were met by Saint Peter. "Good day, Sisters!", he said. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. Before you may enter you must first answer a question." The three nuns looked surprised at this pronouncement. He stepped up to the first nun who was very young and said "you are a novitiate and will therefore have a simple question - who was the first man?" The young nun proudly proclaimed "Adam!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open. He then spoke to the second nun - "Sister, you were also a novitiate, so your question shall also be simple - "Who was the first woman?" "Thank heavens for an easy one!" she replied, " Eve!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open. St. Peter then spoke to the last nun who was obviously much older than the other two. "You, Sister, were the Mother Superior of the convent and will therefore have a much more difficult question - What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Well, Mother Superior was sweating bullets. No one ever taught her this. She drew a blank. "Oh, Dear Lord!" she said "That's a hard one!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open...

11-04-2018, 18:34
Unfortunately, the reservoir of my remaining jokes are not appropriate for print if assuming the ones I've already shared ever were.

PM them all to me!

11-04-2018, 18:35
How do you pick up a Jerry's Kid in the bar?

With a magnet.

11-04-2018, 20:28
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of your hand.

11-04-2018, 20:43
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

Reminded me of a friend on Cotopaxi... when she had something she wanted to get rid of near the holidays, she would wrap it up like a present and leave it in the back of her truck when she went to the city... the item went away, and she too pleasure in knowing she ruined a thief's day.

11-04-2018, 20:45
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?

The back of your hand.

You started it...
Why is a wedding dress white?
So the dishwasher matches the stove and fridge.

11-04-2018, 20:48
You started it....

Nope. Thread was here long before me.

Whats the difference between an onion & a prostitute?

You cry when you cut an onion.

11-04-2018, 20:49
What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta-tute

11-05-2018, 01:16
How do you know if a woman really likes you?

She puts her shoes by her/your ears.

11-05-2018, 01:19
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer behind her ear?

Anyone seen my pen?

11-05-2018, 01:22
What is a fake noodle called?


11-05-2018, 01:24
Do you know why you should stay away from using velcro?

Its a total rip off.

11-05-2018, 01:26
Confucius once said... the earth's rotation really makes my day.

11-05-2018, 01:28
Why don't you ever see an elephant hiding in a tree?

They've got skills.

11-05-2018, 01:29
Why don't you bend over in American Furniture Warehouse?

Because Jake Jabs

11-05-2018, 01:31
Want to hear a joke about construction?

Im working on it.

11-05-2018, 01:33
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?

A stick

11-05-2018, 01:38
How do you guarantee you can brag to your friends after leaving the range?

Shoot first & then call your targets.

11-05-2018, 01:42
Dwarf shortage.

11-05-2018, 01:44
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus giggle?

Ten tickles.

11-05-2018, 01:47
Where does a Jersey boy find a Zebra?

25 letters after 'A' brah.

11-05-2018, 17:46
When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"It's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

11-05-2018, 17:55
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

11-07-2018, 00:15
Why do dwarves giggle when they play soccer?

The grass tickles thier balls.

11-07-2018, 00:16
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

Cherry float

11-07-2018, 00:17
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

11-07-2018, 00:20
Why is it that men always get their great ideas in bed?

They are plugged into a genius.

11-07-2018, 00:23
What's the difference between oooh & ahhhh?

2 inches

Or is it 3?

11-07-2018, 00:33
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

Hiding your own Easter eggs.

11-08-2018, 09:35
I knew a man who liked the taste of brake fluid. I tried telling him that it was dangerous and he shouldn't drink it, but he assured me he could stop at any time.

11-09-2018, 09:51
In Ireland, three Irish brothers have a tradition of stopping at the pub after work every day and having a shot of Irish whiskey.

One of the brothers moves to the States, but he keeps the tradition alive by stopping at a pub after work and having three shots of Irish whiskey - one for himself and one for each of his brothers.

One day he stops at the pub and orders TWO shots. The bartender, who has become familiar with the tradition, fears the worst and asks him, "Good Lord, what happened? Did you lose one of your brothers?"

The Irishman says, oh no, my brothers are both fine - I just quit drinking!

11-09-2018, 21:17
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".

Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".

So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."

11-09-2018, 23:41

11-10-2018, 03:57
What did the cannibal say while eating a clown?

Anyone else think this tastes a little funny.

Ugh, terrible.

11-10-2018, 03:59
How many animals can you fit into a pair of stockings?

Two calves, an ass, a pussy, and who knows how many hairs.

11-10-2018, 04:01
Whats the difference between love, true love & showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling

11-10-2018, 04:02
What do you get a man who has everything?


11-10-2018, 04:03
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

11-10-2018, 04:13
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.

One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled
- Stop making love down there!

- What?s the matter with you? The husband said when the sailor climbed down.
- We weren?t making love.

- Sorry, said the sailor,
- From up there it looked like you were.

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself,

- By golly he?s right! It DOES look like they?re making love down there!

11-10-2018, 07:48
What's the difference between a washer and an 18 year-old girl?

The washer doesn't follow you around telling you it loves you after to dump a load into it.

11-10-2018, 08:02
What did the cannibal say while eating a clown?

Anyone else think this tastes a little funny.

Ugh, terrible.

Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One says to the other, ‘’does this taste funny to you?’’ The other cannibal says, ‘’no, not at all.’’

11-11-2018, 07:30
How many gorillas fit into an average car?


How many chickens will fit into the same car?

None. Its full of gorillas silly.

11-11-2018, 07:34
A girl asks a boy: - How much do you love me?

The boy looks her in the eyes: - Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you.

The girl is confused: - But it's morning, there are no stars?

Boy nods.

11-11-2018, 07:36
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

11-11-2018, 07:37
Knock knock

..............Who's there


.............. Bullsh*t

11-11-2018, 07:40
Knock knock

............... Who's there?


............... Cook who?

Suspected you were a nutter.

11-11-2018, 07:42
Knock knock

............... Who's there?


...............Deja who?

Knock knock.

11-11-2018, 07:44
What is green & crys in the corner?

The incredible sulk.

11-11-2018, 07:45
Where do you get virgin wool?

Fugly sheep.

11-11-2018, 07:47
Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don't work.

11-11-2018, 07:51
What do you call a bump, that some folks call a Mountain?


11-11-2018, 07:53
Why should you go to a acquaintance's funeral?

I don't know because they won't be at yours.

11-11-2018, 07:55
What cup of tea can vary in flavor from very bitter to sweet?


11-11-2018, 08:00
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?



11-11-2018, 08:02
When the ship fell ill, what did it do?

Went to the dock.

11-11-2018, 08:04
Need cheering?

Start a fight with someone who has the hiccups.

11-11-2018, 08:07
No, you're not fat dear, just more visible.

11-11-2018, 08:10
Husband: - WOW you look great, did you do something different with your hair?

Wife: Dear, I'm over here, leave that woman alone.

11-11-2018, 08:13
Why do men say ladies first?

For the view.

11-11-2018, 08:15
Have a sunburn & cant sleep because the sheets are scratchy?


11-11-2018, 08:16
Whats worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Knowing it was traced.

11-11-2018, 08:18
Women can fake orgasims.

Men can fake relationships.

11-11-2018, 08:20
Little boy asked Santa for a baby sister.

Santa said - Point to your mother.

11-11-2018, 08:22
Whats the difference between your job & your wife?

5 years & which still sucks.

11-11-2018, 08:23
Ba dum tss......

11-12-2018, 06:27
What's worse than having ants in your pants?


11-12-2018, 06:37
: D

11-12-2018, 08:13
Oh man, haha.

11-12-2018, 16:20
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a
Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields. After a
while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said. Amy takes him down
to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here." The man, assuming
he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be
bred?" "That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its
stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the
nail for?" The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

11-13-2018, 08:38
A woman walks into a bar & asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So he gives it to her.

11-13-2018, 08:40
Whats the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?

The taste

11-13-2018, 08:41
Whats the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

11-13-2018, 08:41
Unexpected sex can be a wonderful way to be woken up on your birthday

So long as you're not inmate 431657

11-13-2018, 08:49
1 more

What do you do when you come across an elephant on the Savannah?

Get it a damp towel.

11-13-2018, 10:11
A woman walks into a bar & asks the bartender for a double entendre.

So her gives it to her.

That's MY joke. Where did you hear that?

11-13-2018, 10:36
(Pssst... don't look over your shoulder)

11-13-2018, 10:43
(Pssst... don't look over your shoulder)

That's what they told me in prison...

11-13-2018, 10:44
Oh fu......!!!

11-13-2018, 11:42
A man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig.

He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop says "Hey! What are you doing with that pig in the car?"

The driver says, "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field."

The cop says, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!" The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo.

So the next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. "What are you doing? I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!"

"Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."

11-13-2018, 12:01
Whats the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

I don’ t get this one

11-13-2018, 12:30
I don’ t get this one

you just want to hear her explain it...

11-13-2018, 14:09
; )

11-13-2018, 14:59
If erotic is using a feather, what's kinky?

The whole chicken

11-13-2018, 15:02
Blind man walks into a bar...

And then the table, and two more chairs...

11-13-2018, 15:05
Whats the difference between a nice girl & a good girl?

NICE girls blush when they watch porn, GOOD girls smile cause they know they can do better.

11-13-2018, 15:10
Why did the cookie cry?

Because his dad was a wafer so long.

11-13-2018, 15:11
Did you hear about the guy who invented lifesavers?

They say he made a mint.

11-13-2018, 15:12
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.

11-13-2018, 15:14
Forrest Gump's password?


11-13-2018, 15:16
Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice & laundry soap?

Someone told her they were both concentrated.

11-13-2018, 15:18
What do you call a fish with no eyes?


11-13-2018, 15:20
Without geometry life would be just pointless.

11-13-2018, 15:21
What does a hipster weigh?


11-13-2018, 15:24
And the ever known....

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

Aka Dinner!

11-13-2018, 15:24
Ba dum tss....

11-14-2018, 15:56
You will not believe what just happened... I walked into the loaf and jug to get a drink...When I walked up I noticed these 2 police officers watching some dude who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he stupid ?!! With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink. As I was checking out, I heard someone screaming.. I looked outside and the dude's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! I ran outside and the cops had put him on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffees!! YES, THEIR COFFEES!...Then they put handcuffs on him and threw him in the police car.. I was thinking "He shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!" But being the nosey person that I am, I asked the cops what they were arresting him for.. The cop looked me dead in my eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM!"

11-14-2018, 16:59

11-14-2018, 17:20
Got me!

11-14-2018, 17:26
Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left him.

11-14-2018, 17:27
Roses are red
violets are blue,
God made me pretty,
what happened to you?

11-14-2018, 17:28
Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Don't say it like that...

11-14-2018, 17:29
What's got four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler. Good boy!

11-14-2018, 17:30
What did the letter O say to letter Q?

Please put some pants on

11-14-2018, 17:32
I bet you're made of copper and tellurium, know why?

Because you're so CuTe

11-14-2018, 17:35
What's the last QA performed before Elmo is shipped out of the toy factory?

Two test tickles

11-14-2018, 17:36
Oh... and don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

11-14-2018, 17:38
Interesting fact, 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

11-14-2018, 17:45
Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

11-15-2018, 09:41
A hiker stopped at the bank of a fast-flowing river. Spying a simple fellow standing on the opposite bank, he yelled to him, "How do I get to the other side?"

The simpleton scratched his head. He looked up the river. He looked down the river. Then he yelled back to the hiker, "You're already ON the other side!"

11-15-2018, 11:04

11-15-2018, 14:49
How is a woman different than a washing machine?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around for a week after you put a load in it.

11-16-2018, 10:15
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.

They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 8-year-old in the morning, and the older boy was to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher then shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?"

The boy screamed, bolted from the room, ran directly home, and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

11-16-2018, 11:10
: D

11-17-2018, 09:38
Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

11-18-2018, 08:55
Knock knock.

Who's the..........SQUIRREL!

11-18-2018, 10:02
A single mom is at wits end with her two young boys as nearly every word out of their mouths is a cuss word. The mother hears of a therapist in town that has had great success in correcting bad behavior in children so she takes the boys to see him.

The therapist speaks with both of the boys then excuses them and calls in the mother. The therapist tells the mother that the boys are so far gone that only the most extreme measures will correct their behavior. He goes on to tell the mother that, the next time either of the boys utters a curse word, she must beat the child. The mother, shocked at this recommendation, tells the therapist that she doesn't think she can do what he suggests. The therapist apologizes and tells the mother that, in his professional opinion, this is the only solution to her problem. The mother takes the children and goes home.

A morning a few days later, after the boys seem to have gotten worse, they come down for breakfast. The mother asks them what they want to eat and one of the boys says "Just give me some of those f*ck'in Cheerios". In total frustration, the mother relents to the therapists suggestion and just wails on the child until he's laying in a ball on the kitchen floor. She then looks at the other boy and asks him, "What do YOU want for breakfast?" The boy, looking at his brother on the floor crying, responds "I don't know, but I don't want any of those f*ck'in Cheerios".

11-18-2018, 10:43
A well-to-do looking gentleman walks into a bar and takes the remaining seat at the bar, right between two beautiful ladies. He asks the bartender if he carries good scotch to which the bartender replies that they have some of the finest scotch available. The man then asks the bartender to bring him a glass of their finest scotch.

The bartender, feeling that this man is only trying to impress the two lovely ladies sitting next to him, brings the man a glass of his cheaper "well liquor". The man takes a sip, makes a disgusted face and tells the bartender "I asked you for your best scotch and you gave me a glass of Jamesons - and it's not even scotch. Either you bring me a glass of good scotch or I'll find another establishment."

The bartender, thinking that maybe this man actually knows something about good scotch, apologizes and tells the man to hold on a moment while he retrieves a bottle of good scotch from his liquor cellar. The bartender returns a minute later and pours the man a drink from this new bottle. The gentleman takes a sip, smiles, and says "Ah, that's better! "The Last Drop" from 1971; 45 years old. The bartender looks at the bottle he's still holding and finds that the man is 100% correct.

Wanting to see how good this man is, the bartender asks him if he'd like to try some other scotchs to which the gentleman agrees. The bartender returns to his liquor cellar and comes back with a dozen more bottles. The bartender pours the man a shot from one of these bottles, the man takes a sip and says, "Hmm, Jura, single malt, bottled in 1998 - ten years old." The bartender looks at the new bottle and is amazed that the man is once again correct.

By now a crowd starts to form around the gentleman as the bartender continues providing the gentleman with one scotch after another to which he continues to accurately identify the drink. By the 12th bottle, an old drunk pushes his way up to the bar and passes the gentleman a glass of liquid. The gentleman takes a sip and immediately spits it out. He quickly says "That tastes like piss". The old drunk looks at the gentleman, smiles and says "Right! Now tell me how old I am."

11-19-2018, 09:54
The police officer got out of his car, and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the officer said.

The kid replied, "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the officer finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

11-19-2018, 09:57
Thats pretty much how it went when it's happened to me & more than once too. Hehehe

11-20-2018, 08:23
I got stopped on a motorcycle once by a cop on a motorcycle. He was on a Kawasaki or something. When he walked up to me I pointed at his bike and said, "Man, you guys ought to be on Harleys...that's unacceptable." He laughed and he let me go after a little chit chat. Humor works wonders sometimes.

11-20-2018, 10:06
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They landed and the pilot turned to Fred. "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

11-21-2018, 15:01
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

Talk about huge breasts!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s cool whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

I’m in the mood for dark meat.

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread your legs and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all of these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I have to beat it before it’s ready?

Happy Thanksgiving

11-29-2018, 10:28
The north pole is a euphemism

11-29-2018, 10:30
What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses

11-29-2018, 10:31
What does a xmas tree & a priest have in common?

Ornamental balls

11-29-2018, 10:36
Remember when you were a kid, laying in bed & waiting for Santa to come...

Now do you remember the awkward silence when he got dressed?

11-29-2018, 10:37
Um, What?

11-29-2018, 19:00
Remember when you were a kid, laying in bed & waiting for Santa to come...

Now do you remember the awkward silence when he got dressed?

Um, the pc babies are crying

11-29-2018, 19:09
The north pole is a euphemism

Wheels turning in my head here.... give me a minute....

Where does Santa store his north pole?

In the south hole!

Better keep my day job.

11-30-2018, 01:20
Q: How many soy boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they’ll just compliment the lightbulb and then get mad when it doesn’t screw...

11-30-2018, 09:15
I was paying the cashier for my Christmas tree when he asked:

Are you going to put that up yourself?

I said:

No, Dumba** I'm putting it up in the living room.

11-30-2018, 09:22
Knock knock.

Who's there?


Olive who?

Olive the other reindeer.

11-30-2018, 09:23
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?


11-30-2018, 09:24
What do elves do after school?

Their gnome work.

11-30-2018, 09:25
Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered.

11-30-2018, 09:28
What do you call a reindeer with three eyes?

A reiiindeer.

11-30-2018, 09:36
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?

Limp Bizkit

11-30-2018, 09:36
What do you call a bad xmas joke?


11-30-2018, 09:38
What do you call a blind reindeer?

No eye deer

11-30-2018, 09:40
What says oh, oh, Oooh! ?

Mrs. Claus

11-30-2018, 09:42
What does everyone get but no one wants for Christmas?


11-30-2018, 09:51
What doesn't Santa have any children?

He wraps his present before he puts it in the box.

11-30-2018, 12:37
What doesn't Santa have any children?

He wraps his present before he puts it in the box.

Because he only comes once a year.

Because he comes down the chimney.

11-30-2018, 18:17
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

11-30-2018, 18:25
What doesn't Santa have any children?

He wraps his present before he puts it in the box.

Because he only comes once a year.

Because he comes down the chimney.

Because he's immortal and doesn't want to pay for college 1,500 times.

11-30-2018, 19:00
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"
The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."


12-15-2018, 11:16
Did you hear about the two silk worms who were in a race?

They both ended up in a tie.

12-15-2018, 11:23
Waka waka waka!

: )

12-15-2018, 23:52
I thought it was whacka whacka whacka.

12-16-2018, 00:57
Wonka, Wonka, Wonka?

12-16-2018, 11:35
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck...

12-16-2018, 12:10
I thought it was whacka whacka whacka.

Wonka, Wonka, Wonka?

wokka, wokka, wokka

12-16-2018, 12:10
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we... made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fianc? got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner

12-18-2018, 16:37
The Economy is So Bad...

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift was a bank.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street " Wal-Mart Street."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

12-19-2018, 20:30
A South Carolina farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

12-21-2018, 17:43
In some people's eyes, throwing acid is wrong.

12-21-2018, 17:43
Say what you want about deaf people...

12-21-2018, 17:45
You can never lose a homing pigeon...

12-21-2018, 18:52
Have you heard the one about the sick chemist?

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

12-21-2018, 18:56
You matter.

Until you multiple yourself times the speed of light squared.

Then you energy.

12-21-2018, 18:59
Two men walk into a bar.
The first man orders an H2O
The second man says: I'll have an H2O too.
That man died.

12-21-2018, 19:02
What was the charge when the NaCI was arrested?

A salt

12-21-2018, 19:05
Did you want to hear a joke about sodium?

Na me either.

12-21-2018, 19:08
A new element has been discovered & added to the periodic table:

Ah - the element of surprise

12-21-2018, 23:42
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Cuz it was dead.

12-22-2018, 01:18
What's black, white, and red...and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun, with a spear through her head.

12-27-2018, 12:25
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

01-02-2019, 10:39
A waiter approached a man studying his menu carefully in a fancy restaurant one evening. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked.

"Well, I was just wondering how you prepare your chickens."

"Oh, its nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

01-12-2019, 15:59
Has anyone else here come to realize that an illegal straw purchase means something totally different in California now?

01-12-2019, 16:33
A man is lying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.

The father says, "Son, think of it this way: If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

01-12-2019, 20:53
A southern Belle asked a stuck up Northern English teacher at an airport.
"Where are you all going to?"
The teacher replied. "A place where they do not and end a sentence with a preposition."
The Southern Belle replied. " I am sorry. Where are you all going to, bitch?"

01-13-2019, 18:04



01-15-2019, 11:32
Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune once his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

01-17-2019, 11:46
Two medical residents were invited to a costume party after their shift ended. They stopped at the Army/Navy store to see if they could find costumes but only had enough money to buy one pair of fatigues.

But that was okay. One wore the top half and one wore the bottom half ... they went as an upper and lower GI.

01-19-2019, 06:28
There was a well dressed man riding a tricycle and a poorly dressed man riding a bicycle. What was the difference?


01-19-2019, 07:52
: )

01-19-2019, 10:04
Don't pretend to like my jokes to get bacon. [LOL]

01-19-2019, 10:58
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

01-20-2019, 07:35
All about SIGNS today:

In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in

On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed

01-20-2019, 07:37
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak

At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout

At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg, we want tows

On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts

01-20-2019, 07:40
In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!

At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place

On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff

01-20-2019, 07:42
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food Is Expensive

At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment

Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay

01-20-2019, 07:45
At the Electric Company:
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment however, if you don't, you will be

In a Restaurant window:
Dont stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up

In an Undertakers:
Drive carefully please. We'll wait

At a Propane Gas Supplier:
Thank heaven for little grills

01-20-2019, 07:48
Last two....

In front of a Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises

01-21-2019, 17:05
The judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations ... nothing."

01-31-2019, 23:31
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and one you see after while.

01-31-2019, 23:45
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you see later and one you see after while.

Did ChickNorris give you permission to post in this thread? And with one of her yet unused jokes?

ETA: If I keep making wise cracks like this one and the one in your Passport thread folks are going to start coming after me with pitchforks.

02-01-2019, 07:26
ETA: If I keep making wise cracks like this one and the one in your Passport thread folks are going to start coming after me with pitchforks.

You might be one of the most beloved members on here. You can probably get away with more than you think and not ruffle any feathers.

Bailey Guns
02-01-2019, 10:39
The doctor said,”Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 yrs. But he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing
store and thought, “That’s what I need....a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see....size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “that’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.” The tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.....it fit perfectly.

Joe admired himself in the mirror. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see.....34 sleeves and 16 ? neck."

Joe was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 yrs.”

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”

The salesman said. “Let’s see.....size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since before I was 18 yrs. old.”

The salesman shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

02-01-2019, 10:43
Got me on that one.
Still laughing!

02-01-2019, 11:45
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, strip down to their underwear and get to work.

An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask.

"Blind man."

Thinking nothing of it, the privates open the door. "Hi," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"

02-02-2019, 09:26
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.


02-02-2019, 10:18

02-07-2019, 10:04

02-07-2019, 10:18
: )

02-07-2019, 17:18
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."

02-08-2019, 09:48

02-08-2019, 09:51
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump. Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress.

02-08-2019, 17:50

02-20-2019, 16:55

02-20-2019, 18:21


02-21-2019, 09:24
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

02-21-2019, 12:32
http://scontent.fapa1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52602896_2158716111045407_2847287412843872256_n.jp g?_nc_cat=110&_nc_ht=scontent.fapa1-1.fna&oh=5b9b8a85deb34515b2002123f47d4845&oe=5D27A3CF

02-22-2019, 12:08

03-27-2019, 08:09
At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor doesn't show up. A full professor is rated fifteen minutes; an associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however, and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man, "first they saluted, and then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

03-27-2019, 18:10

04-13-2019, 15:32
A lone explorer arrives at a jungle camp of natives in deep Africa. The natives are friendly and they greet him with open arms, they end up having a feast in his honor. Their Chief speaks English and all is good, the village is alive with drums and dancing.

The explorer is exhausted from his travels and needs sleep, he tries to retire but the drums keep pounding. He thanks the Chief for the warm reception and asks if the drumming could stop, explaining that he needs rest.

The Chief looks at him and says, "The drum must not stop, bad things happen when drum stop....!" The explorer retires to his tent with the drums pounding away trying again to sleep. Several times during the night he asks the Chief to stop the drumming but gets the same answer, '...drums must not stop,...bad things when drums stop....'

Finally at 4 in the morning, he yells at the Chief to stop the drums. "So what happens when the drums stop..?" he asks!

" Then come Bass solo "

04-13-2019, 15:34
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.

"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

04-24-2019, 19:55
What does the movie Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common....?

Icy dead people.

05-09-2019, 08:49
Yo momma's so fat...

...Thanos had to snap twice.

05-09-2019, 08:56
As he was getting in bed she said:
You're drunk
He said:
How do you know?
She said:

You live next door.

05-09-2019, 08:58
Husband asked his wife:
Why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasim?
She replied:

I don't like calling you @ work.

05-09-2019, 09:16
Husband asked his wife:
Why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasim?
She replied:

I don't like calling you @ work.


05-09-2019, 09:41
The government in this state has your best interest in mind and uses your tax dollars wisely. - shamelessly stolen from Ron Swanson

05-20-2019, 10:52
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.