View Full Version : Joke of the Day
theGinsue
05-21-2019, 19:37
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
I told this joke @ work today...twice.
Both times I got "WTF is wrong with you" stares.
Some people don't know good humor - even when it hits them in the face.
- even when it hits them in the face.
[ROFL1]
theGinsue
05-22-2019, 17:56
Glad someone caught that.
I caught it. Caught it right in the face.
BladesNBarrels
05-23-2019, 08:21
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
BPTactical
06-07-2019, 22:05
I discovered that EVERY room in my house is in fact, room temperature......
......except the corners.
They are all 90 degrees.
BladesNBarrels
06-08-2019, 18:09
Oh yes, that is along the style of Stephen Wright.
I miss that humor!
GilpinGuy
06-08-2019, 22:52
I was in my backyard trying to launch a new kite. I tossed the kite up in the air, then the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times, without success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
No wonder I'm confused.....
GilpinGuy
06-10-2019, 18:17
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night!
My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’"
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said all that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
Bailey Guns
06-10-2019, 21:10
So, she did say that.
Great-Kazoo
06-10-2019, 21:31
Know what liberals use before candles?
ELECTRICITY !
BladesNBarrels
06-15-2019, 09:37
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
https://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62516245_2233036110115295_5884735335941799936_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQmWQt3C5Sd32vii2b6Kt3jzSobN7crPqqXAFNEP9V6 _ydJFJKDVj0JoRS8S7A60rd8&_nc_ht=scontent.fapa1-2.fna&oh=4e7ec8cb9a0af47a7d3b31cb6eefa826&oe=5D841F29
BladesNBarrels
06-16-2019, 09:15
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
Circuits
06-24-2019, 02:54
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
Banned for life from the petting zoo....
ChickNorris
06-28-2019, 06:18
Funny how red, white & blue represent freedom until those same colors are flashing behind you.
Anything you need to share? [Coffee]
BladesNBarrels
07-01-2019, 09:46
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
BladesNBarrels
07-01-2019, 10:16
One more:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
BladesNBarrels
07-01-2019, 11:59
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
ChickNorris
07-01-2019, 15:16
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking & then sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk", she replied. Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
BladesNBarrels
07-02-2019, 08:52
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is your occupation?"
I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
ChickNorris
07-08-2019, 18:02
A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, 'Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter'. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, 'Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.'
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, 'Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.' The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, 'Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.'
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 06:54
Knock knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?!
Don't get too excited, it's not that kind of joke.
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 07:09
A hillbilly gets a visit from a childhood friend who's been living in the big city for many years. They decide to go for a drive while they catch up and talk about old times.
While they are driving along, the hillbilly sees a sheep with it's head caught in the fence.
'Woo yeah!' he exclaims, stopping the car. His friend watches as he jumps out and proceeds to start having his way with the sheep.
After a few minutes of this, the hillbilly shouts, 'Hey, you want some of this?'
The city boy raises an eyebrow, hops out of the car, and sticks his head in the fence.
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 07:27
If your spouse insists that you get them something that makes them look sexy... getting yourself drunk will do nicely.
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 07:35
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
BladesNBarrels
07-13-2019, 08:12
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 08:18
How does Darth Vader like his grilled cheese?
On the dark side.
ChickNorris
07-13-2019, 08:23
Ba dum tss
So like a sharp cheddar, as opposed to with provalone?
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
ha ha, better not show this one to the wife.
Circuits
07-28-2019, 09:01
What do you call the unreliable copier?
Bob Marley - cos he always be jammin', mon
RblDiver
07-29-2019, 17:19
Stolen from my friend:
In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Methodist church tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an Xbox game for his Playstation.
OldFogey
07-30-2019, 11:29
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an Xbox game for his Playstation.
Now, THAT was funny!
ChickNorris
08-10-2019, 08:35
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, 'Here's something I have that you'll never have!' The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a huge smile on her face. She lifts her skirt and says, 'My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!'
ChickNorris
08-10-2019, 08:41
Little Sally came home from school and told her mother, 'Frankie Smith showed me his weenie today at the playground!' Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.' Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, 'Really small, was it?' Sally replied, 'No, very salty.'
ChickNorris
08-10-2019, 08:54
What kind of bees surprise you by making milk instead of honey?
Boobees
I'm picking up on a trend here...or is it just coincidence?
Bailey Guns
08-10-2019, 21:28
What kind of bees surprise you by making milk instead of honey?
Boobees
Are those the kind that only come out at Halloween?
Are those the kind that only come out at Halloween?
Mardi Gras
ChickNorris
08-27-2019, 20:25
Why did they only make one Yogi Bear?
Because the second bear was a Boo-Boo.
BladesNBarrels
09-10-2019, 07:30
If you ever see me jogging, PLEASE kill whatever is chasing me !
BladesNBarrels
09-10-2019, 07:32
https://i.imgur.com/aADkEiX.jpg
BladesNBarrels
09-10-2019, 08:08
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: "JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: "JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
[ROFL1]
BladesNBarrels
09-11-2019, 08:18
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t with me again. You're in my closet now!'
BladesNBarrels
09-11-2019, 08:41
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
BladesNBarrels
09-12-2019, 15:46
For a couple of years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm over worked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
[Coffee]
Circuits
09-19-2019, 13:11
Being as it's talk like a pirate day - what's a Pirate's favorite letter?
Some would say it be "arrrr" - but they're wrong.
A pirate's first love is the "C".
ChickNorris
10-12-2019, 08:11
Not really a joke. . .
Yankee doodle went to town, riding on your mother.
Every time they hit a bump you got another brother.
GilpinGuy
11-01-2019, 17:47
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign "I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
BladesNBarrels
11-19-2019, 11:05
Been awhile:
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Not really a joke, but not really a funny video either:
http://youtu.be/iW4qjPkR-_U
Thanks. I used to listen to my dad?s Justin Wilson record as a child. Great humor.
Bailey Guns
11-19-2019, 20:40
If you like Justin Wilson you should listen to some stuff by Jerry Clower.
Jerry Clower is also a personal favorite. I remember many details from his stories.
Scanker19
11-21-2019, 23:06
Three things that don’t hang themselves:
Christmas Ornaments
Drywall
Jeffry Epstein
AirbornePathogen
11-22-2019, 00:03
A little military humor for the crew:
A newly commissioned lieutenant was talking with his company first sergeant. The LT says, "You know, Top, I've always wondered why the officer rank insignias are what they are."
The first sergeant says, "Well sir, let me break it down for you. Second lieutenants wear a gold bar to show that you're valuable, but malleable. First lieutenants wear a silver bar because they're still valuable, but less malleable. Captains have two bars because they're twice as valuable, but still kind of malleable. Colonels wear eagles because they soar over all the rest of us. And generals wear stars because they're the stars in our galaxy."
The lieutenant says, "Makes sense, Top. But what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"
"Well sir, that goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam started it, and we've been covering our pricks with leaves ever since."
What sound does a limping turkey make?
Wobble, wobble...
Is "turkey" the pet name for your johnson?
BladesNBarrels
12-08-2019, 10:12
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
ChickNorris
12-22-2019, 18:07
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
I know, terrible. All I got though.
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
I know, terrible. All I got though.
That is a certified dad joke right there.
spqrzilla
12-29-2019, 01:25
https://booksbikesboomsticks.blogspot.com/2019/12/ten-years-ago-at-vftp.html
https://booksbikesboomsticks.blogspot.com/2019/12/ten-years-ago-at-vftp.html
Ten Years Ago at VFTP...
From December 2009...
"So the cover of this month's American Rifleman announces "The Unexpected SIG516".
A new AR clone these days is about as "unexpected" as another Friday the 13th sequel or Law & Order spinoff. What's "unexpected" is that there are still some gun manufacturers who haven't jumped on this bandwagon, since all that's needed to get in the game is an ATF variance letter sent to Continental Machine Tool or Sabre Defense. In a world where such unlikely candidates as Ruger, Remington, and Smith & Wesson are pimping AR-style carbines, what's left?
Here are my predictions for "unexpected" AR announcements at SHOT:
Harrington & Richardson H&R-15: Cast parts and stained birch furniture keep costs down. Sold at Wal-Mart for $109.95.
Marlin MAR-15: Neither direct impingement nor piston operated, the MAR-15 is California-legal, since the bolt is cycled via a complex linkage actuated by rocking the pistol grip forward and back.
Thompson/Center EncoR-15: Available in almost two hundred chamberings, three quarters of which are designed by J.D. Jones and only of interest to handloaders who also hunt rabid grizzly bears.
General Motors GI-15: Unsold inventory stocks will allow these to be sold at zero percent financing with a hefty manufacturer's rebate less than six months after their introduction. Brace for recalls.
Apple iR-15: Only works with proprietary ammunition. Made of sleek, white plastic. Has to be sent to an authorized service center for field-stripping and cleaning. Owners soon sport glazed, zombielike expressions of loyalty familiar to posters at MacForums or GlockTalk.
Harley-Davidson HD-15: Leaks oil. Comes with clip-on ponytail and lick'n'stick eagle tattoo in box, as well as coupon for chromed BUIS, charging handle, and highway pegs."
That last one made me chuckle.
RblDiver
01-07-2020, 15:12
Source: https://twitter.com/GitRDoneLarry/status/1214642178334625792
The adult film industry said they may struggle financially in the coming decades because 90% of the incoming millennial females have nut allergies.
GilpinGuy
01-28-2020, 12:57
A young boy accidentally sees his mom changing her clothes. Unfamiliar with this situation the boy asks
"What's that hairy thing?"
Embarrassed, Mom quickly replies "Um...That's a sponge...."
The boy's eyes light up. "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."
How to tell if someone is a Republican, a Democrat, or just a Southerner.
Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
******************************
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
******************************
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
******************************
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”
Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
ChickNorris
02-11-2020, 11:33
I thought the wife was going to have four legs...
Circuits
02-11-2020, 19:02
I'm a nitpicker I guess, because 1911s don't go "Click" when you fire them empty.
Maybe if you'd specified a para... ;)
I'm a nitpicker I guess, because 1911s don't go "Click" when you fire them empty.
Maybe if you'd specified a para... ;)
Maybe the click was the mag disengaging when the mag release was pressed. ;-)
At least they got the round counts right.
ChickNorris
02-16-2020, 18:17
My husband just told me this joke:
What's the difference between a bonus & a penis?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
ChickNorris
02-16-2020, 18:23
He also told me this one:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Likolotapus
spqrzilla
02-16-2020, 19:00
A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.
"I dunno, what do you want?"
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
Hahahahahaha!!!! [LOL]
theGinsue
03-30-2020, 20:14
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
I told this joke at work today. The guy just started edging away...well beyond the 6' social distancing space.
I told this joke at work today. The guy just started edging away...well beyond the 6' social distancing space.
Bonus!
She hurried to the pharmacy to get the medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
ChickNorris
04-04-2020, 13:55
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
ChickNorris
04-04-2020, 13:57
What is Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner
ChickNorris
04-04-2020, 14:00
Why don't witches wear underwear?
Better gription on their brooms.
ChickNorris
04-04-2020, 14:02
What's the difference between a hippie chick & a hockey player?
Hockey player usually showers after 3 periods.
ChickNorris.... you're on a roll !!
GilpinGuy
04-04-2020, 19:50
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
BladesNBarrels
04-06-2020, 17:04
Did you know that in the USA you can't take a
photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?
You need to use a camera.
Question:What do you call a smelly fairy?
Answer: Stinkerbell
My wife poked me in the eyes yesterday,
so I stopped seeing her for a while.
Question:What do you call 2 Banana Peels?
Answer: A pair of slippers.
A Romanian woman claims to be the
world's oldest mother at 66...
That?s rubbish, my Mum's 85!
The two most common elements in the
universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Question:What did one wall say to the other wall?
Answer: Meet me at the corner
Someone told me they really like my name.
I said thanks, I got it for my birthday!
The two most common elements in the
universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
[ROFL1]
And timely too!
GilpinGuy
04-09-2020, 21:44
Not a funny pic or a joke...a riddle I guess
80839
buffalobo
04-09-2020, 21:54
$80
I figured $100. $70 in goods and $30 in cash. The same as the theft of the $100, which was simply exchanged for equivalent goods and cash. The wholesale price of the goods doesn't account for the lost profit of the retail sale.
Wow. F’in hilarious. Can’t stop crying.
Little johnny please.
JohnnyDrama
04-14-2020, 20:13
Thanks Gman.
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver... 5 types of customers since the virus:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
BladesNBarrels
04-30-2020, 14:47
Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, "that's a little condescending."
BladesNBarrels
05-02-2020, 16:51
Do you know why nobody talks about Abraham Lincoln's crimes?
Because he's in a cent.
It?s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
? Muhammad Ali
Question: What did ET's dad say when he got home?
Answer: Where on Earth have you been?
I am worried about the math teacher holding graph paper- she is definitely plotting something.
Question: Where do you learn to make Ice Cream?
Answer: Sundae School
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials!
I got second place in a Groucho Marx look-alike competition.
Close, but no cigar.
Worrying is like Paying A Debt You don?t owe.
? Mark Twain
Question: Why is history like a fruit cake?
Answer: It 's full of Dates.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks.
You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon.
What do you do?
It's easy!
Just stop pretending.
I took my one-legged dog for a walk yesterday.
What a drag.
Sent from somewhere...
GilpinGuy
05-02-2020, 19:27
Dogs can't perform MRI's. Only cats can.
But some can do Lab tests
Sent from somewhere...
Did you hear about the guy that was shot with a starters pistol? It was race related.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
ChickNorris
05-11-2020, 19:14
I saw that story too... when he was going down the backside of the prison wall. It was a little condescending.
While riding my motorcyhcle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
While riding my motorcyhcle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
81497
Bailey Guns
05-14-2020, 11:46
The nail polish is what really caught my attention.
That steering wheel is the only thing that's flat.
Really I saw that Louis Vuitton bag it was like oh my goodness
All I could think was ?is that a Nissan Morano in the neighbors driveway??
All I could think was ?is that a Nissan Morano in the neighbors driveway??
Not to mention a wonderful job they did on the topiaries
Not to mention a wonderful job they did on the topiaries
They are quite erect.
Not to mention a wonderful job they did on the topiaries
Nice pair, too. One on each side.
BladesNBarrels
05-24-2020, 08:52
Question: What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
I wrote a book about reverse psychology. Please don-t buy it.
"It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Question: What kind of house does Fonzie live in?
An Ayyyyeee frame.
A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Question: Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger at the grocery store, and it was hard to resist asking him to say one of his famous movie lines... but...
I played it cool and casually asked him if he knew where they stock the eggs.
He said, "Aisle B, back."
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.
"Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
[ROFL1]
BladesNBarrels
06-05-2020, 15:47
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.
Hmm? said the manager. And are you sure you having nothing else to add?
Well, yes, said the member.
I lie extensively.
BladesNBarrels
06-05-2020, 15:57
Question: Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!
My friends gave me the nickname Mr. Compromise
It's not my first choice..
but I'm ok with it.
You can never trust an atom...
they make up everything.
Question: Why don't penguins go to The U.K.?
Because they're afraid of Wales!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Question: Why is dark spelled with the letter K?
Because you can't c in the dark!
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden.
She denied it.
The plot thickens...
Question: How come ants never get sick?
Because of their anty bodies!
I finally finished writing a book on penguins!
In hindsight it would have been easier to do it on paper...
.
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Ouch!!!
BladesNBarrels
07-16-2020, 15:28
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn't!”
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
Half way.
Hello.... is this mic working.....?
Maybe it was 'too soon'?
Some of them made it all the way, just not on the Titanic.
BladesNBarrels
08-11-2020, 07:49
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.
So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
got a few odd e-mails from work Fri -
The company has a lot of world wide connections and they said they had a Covid vaccine I could take so I just received the Russian Covid vaccine today and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.
АК-47 неплохая винтовка, ар-15 не очень.
got a few odd e-mails from work Fri -
The company has a lot of world wide connections and they said they had a Covid vaccine I could take so I just received the Russian Covid vaccine today and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.
АК-47 неплохая винтовка, ар-15 не очень.
[ROFL1] nyuck nyuck
American History Review circa 2020:
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good!
Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.
"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F___ the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Joe Biden gets elected."
BladesNBarrels
08-23-2020, 08:00
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and
entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in
charge of the hops.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while
a crow only has 16.
The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his
own incision?
Suture self.
BladesNBarrels
08-23-2020, 08:08
Memory Test
1) Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2) There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3) Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4) How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5) What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?
6) Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
7) In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8) What was the President's Name...in 1975?
9) If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10) Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11) If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
BladesNBarrels
08-23-2020, 08:11
https://i.imgur.com/mk3zlS5.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/WUkg9kv.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/PHbLBBA.jpg
BladesNBarrels
08-23-2020, 08:12
Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)
1 Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.
2 There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3 Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4 How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5 What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6 Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7 In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8 What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now ? Donald Trump [Oh, come on]
9 If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one
theGinsue
08-23-2020, 10:09
Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)
3 Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
Yep, I got every single one of those. But this one reminds me of a news headline I saw yesterday. It said something like "Grand Canyon's Oldest Fossil Discovered". My immediate reaction was "Not necessarily, this is just the oldest DISCOVERED fossil in the Grand Canyon - there may be older fossils yet undiscovered". Now, today, I see most of the headlines properly worded. Words matter.
The affliction of being literal is also strong with me.
GilpinGuy
08-26-2020, 19:54
If Satan lost all his hair, there would be hell toupee'
A pessimist's blood type is always B-
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
theGinsue
09-19-2020, 10:06
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddently she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...
Wait for it...
'You just happened to catch my eye!!!'
Bailey Guns
09-19-2020, 10:52
Groan....
[Coffee]
BladesNBarrels
10-08-2020, 11:18
What does the quantum duck say? Quark Quark
Age Is A Number & Mine Is Unlisted!
Describe yourself in 3 words: 1. Lazy
What do you call a bee with a toe? Toby
Q. What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?
A. Widow
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
How does a WWE wrestler like his eggs? Raw
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
What do you call a dairy cow that won?t produce?
A milk dud.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
GilpinGuy
10-10-2020, 20:46
I hear Jared Polis lost his drivers license. Apparently he was rear ended too many times.
How do you cook a kidney?
You boil the piss out of it.
GilpinGuy
10-27-2020, 20:47
I was gonna yell you a COVID-19 joke but there's a 99.99% chance you won't get it.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is your bar tender?".
GilpinGuy
10-27-2020, 20:49
Why did granny fall into the well?
She didn't see that well.
BladesNBarrels
10-29-2020, 08:42
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
BladesNBarrels
10-29-2020, 08:47
This will be the first year my family and I can't go skiing in the Alps because of the pandemic. Normally it's because we can't afford it.
What baseball team do dentists root for?
The Yank ees.
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Why was the chef mad?
He had all the money in the world- but no thyme.
What do you call a silent kebab?
A shh-kebab.
I'm probably the best ever at being humble..
I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
What do you call a flannel cat?
A Plaid-A-Pus
BladesNBarrels
10-29-2020, 08:48
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
GilpinGuy
12-22-2020, 11:59
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Together we can stop this shit.
Why do vegetarians give such good head?
They're used to eating nuts.
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gay lick.
SSChameleon
12-24-2020, 14:23
What's going on in the car forums?
Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?
Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.
Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.
Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.
Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.
VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)
Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?
Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH
Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)
Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)
Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)
BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?
Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.
Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?
Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?
Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.
Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?
Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.
Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?
Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.
Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?
Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.
Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?
Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?
Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)
Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?
McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.
Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?
Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.
Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?
Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.
Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?
SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"
RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.
DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me
Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.
Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?
Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!
What's going on in the car forums?
Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?
Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.
Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.
Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.
Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.
VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)
Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?
Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH
Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)
Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)
Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)
BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?
Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.
Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?
Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?
Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.
Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?
Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.
Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?
Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.
Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?
Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.
Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?
Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?
Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)
Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?
McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.
Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?
Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.
Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?
Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.
Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?
SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"
RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.
DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me
Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.
Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?
Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!
You forgot
Dodge/RAM tuck forums
- - - Has anyone motorized the flip up tow mirrors or should I just plastic weld them open?
(FWIW I drive a RAM)
Ford truck forums
- - - Best sneakers for pushing my Ford?
SilverAdo truck forums
- - - Should I put my boyfriend's name on my back window?
Ha! I like the additions.
BladesNBarrels
01-21-2021, 08:39
From Genesis:
"And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...
and He laughed, laughed and laughed!
GilpinGuy
02-03-2021, 20:50
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snow men and snowwomen? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By Noon it had all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story.
It is exactly what we have become...all caused by Snowflakes
theGinsue
02-22-2021, 19:39
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me.
They are over there eating grass under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second poor man he stated,
"You may come with us, also."
The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said,
"But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task,
even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place...
The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?
Look at Congress -- over 300 Lawyers!!!
BladesNBarrels
03-22-2021, 11:55
There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, rough looking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
Well, whatcha gonna do about it? he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
Come on, man, the biker says, I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying.
This is the worst day of my life, I say.
I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?
SSChameleon
03-22-2021, 12:34
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I f***ed up."
Circuits
03-25-2021, 19:30
Why couldn't the oyster and the clam ever share anything?
They were two shellfish.
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
Oh my gosh this made me laugh.
Scanker19
03-25-2021, 21:31
Yeah I laughed pretty hard at that one
SSChameleon
03-26-2021, 12:46
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Bailey Guns
03-26-2021, 12:56
I'm probably the only one who has no clue what's funny about that math joke.
I'm probably the only one who has no clue what's funny about that math joke.
Nope, sometimes we have to leave the nerd jokes to the nerds. Anybody who laughed hard at that joke snorted when they laughed.
BladesNBarrels
05-01-2021, 15:45
Saw in the The Word Association Thread
politicians ~ criminals
It reminded me of this story:
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS."
Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."
Two wind turbines are in a field talking about music, one says he likes Country music and the other says he’s a Heavy Metal fan.
Delfuego
07-27-2021, 20:56
Two wind turbines are in a field talking about music, one says he likes Country music and the other says he’s a Heavy Metal fan.Not a bad 3rd grader joke, gonna try to remember this one.
wctriumph
08-12-2021, 12:46
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
BladesNBarrels
08-13-2021, 16:48
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on I-70. So I eased my Airstream over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my RV facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My Airstream has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
Always be prepared and safety first out there……seriously be careful. .
Bailey Guns
08-16-2021, 12:09
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO’S ‘WHO’S ON FIRST’ ……updated version.
Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look. I’m not sick.
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not?’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ….If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’
Bud: ‘Third base.’
A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office.
He says “Doc, I’m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I’ve been at the place for 20 plus years. Everyone in my rank has gotten some kind of promotion or recognition besides me. It has been the same never ending hell of a rut for a mere two decades! Two I tell you doc! By god, when I lay down to rest my tired eyes after a long day of welding and clanking, and operating, and steering, and weeping- I not once but twice a night look over to my bedside to find a gun. A gun lying beside me just waiting for me (a lonely man) to finally end the charade to which I keep living on and on- repeating the vicious cycle I call my life. Doc, I am depressed!”
“Well, Jesus!” Says the Podiatrist. It seems like you need some serious help! But I am a podiatrist. What you need is a psychiatrist to help you!”
“Yeah. I know that, doc”. The moth says.
“So what the hell are you doing in here?” The Podiatrist asks.
“Because” the moth exclaims. “Your light was on.”
http://scontent.fapa1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/241950834_6534245419926403_8743672848862170894_n.j pg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=gjs6EMaLnD4AX8m6jT1&_nc_ht=scontent.fapa1-2.fna&oh=ea89d7ffd2409a1cf9349351c883d36c&oe=6171E0B7
ChadAmberg
10-11-2021, 22:20
Gun Sales Aptitude Test:
1. A professionally-dressed woman steps up to the counter. You should:
A. Wait for her husband to come in from parking the car so you can ask him what he needs.
B. Say "What you need here, li'l lady, is this here pink .38 with the pearl grips and gold trim. Ain't it purty?"
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.
2. A customer asks "I notice you don't have the Blastomatic 2000x in stock. Can I special order one?" Your answer should be:
A. No.
B. No.
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.
3. A customer is examining a used Remchester deer rifle. He looks like he might have a technical question. You immediately:
A. Interrupt him with a long and pointless tale about how you used one just like it as a SEAL sniper in Vietnam.
B. Inform him that those guns are junk and got all your buddies killed when you were a Marine sniper in Vietnam.
C. Keep talking to Cletus the Assistant Manager about that used bass boat you bought.
BushMasterBoy
10-18-2021, 11:06
I won the Democrat Medal of Honor when I served during the war at Sum Yung Dik offensive near the Miso Honi River.
I worked undercover disguised as a waitress at a small cafe receiving top enemy information and then escaping through enemy lines. I was then temporarily assigned foreign duty in England and served with the British Thermal Unit until things got hot. Transferred back stateside for more training. Stationed in Kentucky under Colonel Sanders. I was then assigned as commanding officer of the oceanic garbage ship, the USS Bill Clinton while she was in drydock.
Then I went to Seal Counterintelligence Underwater Mine school for S.C.U.M. training. I was the #1 SCUM in my graduating class and was given the Seal of Counterintelligence Underwater Mine Brotherhood of American GI's (SCUMBAG) Award.
I was sent to Afghanistan undercover as a pig farmer selling defective mini missiles disguised as super-sized sausages. Business went well especially with the female insurgents until one blew up in my hand while demonstrating how to hide it while transporting. She did not survive. I was awarded 5 Purple Hearts for my hand injuries.
I was taken to a secret base in Saudi where I flew a F-35 stealth to the Arabian Sea and landed on a submarine which took me to an undisclosed location for treatment and recuperation. As a result of my mission and injuries, I decided to retire and won my second Democrat Medal of Honor.
All this would be extremely difficult to verify as my career was highly classified and my records were permanently sealed and then destroyed by the CIA
Vic Tory
11-09-2021, 20:31
GEEZ. I posted one, but then I saw someone else posted it ... two years ago.
I'm so current...!
BladesNBarrels
11-17-2021, 17:02
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do," said Shawn.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Vic Tory
11-18-2021, 07:57
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. Good one! You got me.
Johnny and Timmy are getting ready for school one morning when Johnny says to Timmy that he thinks today is the day that they should start trying to use curse words.
The boys head into the kitchen where their mom greets them and asks what they would like for breakfast before heading off to school.
Little Johnny looks his mom in the eyes and says ?I want fruit loops, bitch.?
In an instant, mom delivered a mighty blow knocking Johnny out of his chair and onto the ground in tears.
Mom looked to Timmy and said ?and what would you like for breakfast??
Timmy said ?well, I certainly won?t be having the fucking fruit loops.?
Great-Kazoo
12-14-2021, 23:23
Know the difference between the Titanic and CNN?
The titanic, went down with all it's anchors
Bailey Guns
12-17-2021, 14:32
88736
What did the knee surgeon say in the operating room while working on a prostitute's leg ?
What's a nice joint like you doing in a girl like this ?
We just found out grandpa is addicted to viagra.
Nobody is taking it harder than grandma.
Bailey Guns
01-28-2022, 22:48
Thought for the day: "Jesus loves you" takes on a whole new meaning in a Mexican prison.
Walker2970
01-29-2022, 08:10
If frog's had wings they wouldn't bump there ass
SuperiorDG
01-30-2022, 08:41
If frog's had wings they wouldn't bump there ass
"their"
Linkless
02-19-2022, 19:55
Asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.... Yes... All of the others were nines and tens.
BladesNBarrels
03-14-2022, 15:50
Medicare part G
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do?
You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part "G") and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life, where you will receive three meals a day,
a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? Need glasses? Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?
They are all covered!
As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
Who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
Now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
Solid plan. You forgot to include the added bonus of lots of sex, whether you want it or not.
BladesNBarrels
04-19-2022, 09:53
Don’t use a capital R when spelling russia.
Sanctions don’t permit capitalization there.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What do you do if a Russian conscript throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
I watched my first porno the other day... Man I looked young.
BladesNBarrels
04-25-2022, 11:24
What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
BladesNBarrels
04-25-2022, 15:44
Can a Tesla be stolen?
Yes, but then it would be called an Edison.
wctriumph
05-24-2022, 13:07
FOR ALL YOU RETIRED HUSBANDS OUT THERE.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
buffalobo
05-24-2022, 14:44
I have done a few of those. Mostly at Murdochs but some at Walmart.
My favorite not mentioned - push an empty cart every where in the store and every time you encounter a little ol lady, bump her cart and challenge "wanna race?".
BladesNBarrels
06-20-2022, 07:55
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion?s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, ?Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.? The biker replies, ?Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.?
The reporter says, ?Well, I?m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow?s paper will have this story on the front page? so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have??
The biker replies, ?I?m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.?
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
?U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.?
eddiememphis
06-22-2022, 08:57
Two liberals come across a man in a ditch. He is bleeding, moaning. He has been beaten to a pulp and left for dead. One liberal says to the other, “Quick, we have to find the people who did this. They need help.”
What?s the difference between the titanic and the state of California?
.
.
.
.
The Titanic had her lights on when she went under.
There is a new Netflix film on Jeffrey Dahmer.
They reveal that most of the corpses found were missing the nose and he was saving them to make a Dahmer nose pizza.
Little Dutch
09-28-2022, 14:03
There is a new Netflix film on Jeffrey Dahmer.
They reveal that most of the corpses found were missing the nose and he was saving them to make a Dahmer nose pizza.
Booo! Get off the stage!
...OK. I admit I chuckled.
Little Dutch
09-28-2022, 14:14
A moth walks into a podiatrist?s office.
He says ?Doc, I?m not doing so well. My wife, Mrs. Moth is thinking of leaving me, my son Julio Moth hates me, my daughter Cindy Moth is a failure, and my boss Gregory Linovich is an evil person who feeds off my very demise. You see, I work at a factory and I?ve been at the place for 20 plus years. Everyone in my rank has gotten some kind of promotion or recognition besides me. It has been the same never ending hell of a rut for a mere two decades! Two I tell you doc! By god, when I lay down to rest my tired eyes after a long day of welding and clanking, and operating, and steering, and weeping- I not once but twice a night look over to my bedside to find a gun. A gun lying beside me just waiting for me (a lonely man) to finally end the charade to which I keep living on and on- repeating the vicious cycle I call my life. Doc, I am depressed!?
?Well, Jesus!? Says the Podiatrist. It seems like you need some serious help! But I am a podiatrist. What you need is a psychiatrist to help you!?
?Yeah. I know that, doc?. The moth says.
?So what the hell are you doing in here?? The Podiatrist asks.
?Because? the moth exclaims. ?Your light was on.?
Dang, I miss Norm.
BladesNBarrels
10-30-2022, 10:23
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, You must be a Republican!
I am, replies the man. How did you know?
Well, answers the balloonist, everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.
The man smiles and responds, You must be a Democrat.
I am, replies the balloonist. How did you know?
Well, says the man, You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
https://i.imgur.com/FSv3XZd.jpg
Take a look at the actual position of the coordinates, and this joke takes on another aspect of humor.
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, You must be a Republican!
I am, replies the man. How did you know?
Well, answers the balloonist, everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.
The man smiles and responds, You must be a Democrat.
I am, replies the balloonist. How did you know?
Well, says the man, You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
https://i.imgur.com/FSv3XZd.jpg
Take a look at the actual position of the coordinates, and this joke takes on another aspect of humor.
That dude needs a new GPS.
RblDiver
12-08-2022, 10:49
Take a look at the actual position of the coordinates, and this joke takes on another aspect of humor.
...I don't get it. Some random location in Mertzon, TX?
BladesNBarrels
12-08-2022, 17:17
...I don't get it. Some random location in Mertzon, TX?
Yep, not really a location for a man fishing from a boat below
So, the irony or humor is that neither one knows where they are.
Mertzon is a nice lil town...but not much fishing there hahaha
Scanker19
12-09-2022, 08:48
Yep, not really a location for a man fishing from a boat below
So, the irony or humor is that neither one knows where they are.
The opposite of irony is wrinkly…
BladesNBarrels
04-26-2023, 09:22
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
Vic Tory
05-11-2023, 19:16
81588
[ROFL3]
I'm way behind on these. My wife nearly called 911, I was choking and turning purple, I was laughing so hard!
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