View Full Version : Joke of the Day
OneGuy67
09-17-2010, 20:49
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
theGinsue
09-17-2010, 23:41
Joke? What? That didn't actually happen? Damn snopes!
Funny.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, ' Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Shouldn't give people ideas Coloccw.... >:-)
Shouldn't give people ideas Coloccw.... >:-)
I haven't got my letter from Target yet!
I haven't got my letter from Target yet!
HAHAAHAHAHA. Then "You're doin' it wrong!" HAHAHA. [Beer] [ROFL1]
During WWII when things were not going well for the Axis a German General and an Italian General planned the battle. The German General then ordered his aide to bring him his scarlet coat. The Italian General protested that the German General would be an easy target. " Ya!" he said "..but when I am struck my men will not see the blood against this scarlet coat. They will not fear and will fight on."
The Italian General thought about this and thought it was a good idea. He said to his aide "Luigi, bring me my brown pants."
Paraprosdokian sentences
A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Shouldn't give people ideas Coloccw.... >:-)
Tomato juice one is hilarious...might try that one lol
funkfool
10-01-2010, 15:40
http://www.dailydanet.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/ObamaBidenGoofy.jpg
BPTactical
10-01-2010, 17:58
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.
+1[Beer]
funkfool
10-14-2010, 10:03
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it, period. Let your next action reveal your true self, I'm going to have another beer.
[Beer]
Did you know that a million people attended Obama's inaguration...
...But only fourteen of them missed work!
ChunkyMonkey
11-05-2010, 22:35
OMFG..i cannot wait to click those links!
OMFG..i cannot wait to click those links!
Part of me always want to click on those links and the links I get in all the junk mail I get, just to see what would happen. But, my intelligence level is greater than those who post them.
funkfool
12-07-2010, 09:48
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
(Apologies in advance for our female forum members...)
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reasonWhy Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
[LOL]
JohnTRourke
12-07-2010, 11:03
A local business looking for office help put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time later, a dog trotted up to t...he window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least However, since the dog looked determined, he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager, who said, "I can't hire you. You have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and typed out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him and then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then reminded the dog, "the sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. He then demonstrated his expertise with various programs, producing a sample spreadsheet and database which he presented to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign. he put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. "Yes," the manager said, "but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the face, and said, "Meow."
******************************************
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pileup on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it"
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have and she has helped me make a decision."
"We're getting granite countertops."
Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East who is headed to a training conference in Detroit.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim who supports Osama Bin Laden's Jihad, so the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still . . . no plane comes.
Finally, ! the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Sharpienads
12-07-2010, 12:30
5264
Bailey Guns
12-07-2010, 12:34
Dave probably just felt a disturbance in the force!
funkfool
01-12-2011, 11:17
The wife & I were at home watching TV.
I had the remote & was switching back and forth between a Fishing channel & the Porn channel.
She became more & more annoyed & finally said: "Oh for cryin’ out loud!! Leave the damn TV on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
Three strangers awaiting their flights strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show. And the third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East who is headed to a training conference in Detroit.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim who supports Osama Bin Laden's Jihad, so the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still . . . no plane comes.
Finally, ! the American Indian clears his throat and softly, he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, . . . but I do believe it's a-comin'."
+1
The 3rd grade class was having a Tell about Your Parents day.
Everyone told about their Firemen dads, nurse moms etc.
When it was Billy's turn, He got up in front of the class and said I want to tell about my mom.
She was a pilot during the Iraq war, and was flying her plane when it got shot down.
She ejected out with only her pistol, a knife and a flask of whiskey.
On the way to the ground she saw that she was going to land in a group of 15 enemy soldiers, so she drank the whiskey, hit the ground killed 10 with her pistol, 4 with her knife till it broke, and the last one with her bare hands. Thats my story of my mom.
OH My said the teacher that is quite a story.
And what do you think the moral is here Billy?
Dad says Don't Fuck with Mom when she's been drinking.
I have got that in an email before too! too damn funny!
Bailey Guns
01-14-2011, 16:22
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director
to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky
back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault
lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to
play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost..
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Vote for Obama' hat and a 'Save the Trees' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically and thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of republican loggers with 'Go Sarah' T-Shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest.. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions!' he told them. 'I heard there was a bitter hatred between republican loggers and democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies 'Who was that guy?'
'It was the Pope,' another replied. 'He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.'
'Well,' the logger said, 'he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?
StagLefty
01-18-2011, 12:35
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you ???
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you ???
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise ??? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound ???
Employee: Great !!! It's a deal !!! Thank you, sir !!!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you ???
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company !!!
ronaldrwl
01-18-2011, 14:31
Good one StagLefty
George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,for fear it would turn to politics.As the barbers finished their shaves,the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying,No thanks,my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.The second barber turned to Bush and said,How about you sir ? Bush replied,Go ahead,my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
"This won't take long, did it?"
DSB OUTDOORS
01-26-2011, 21:06
What did the boy rabbit say to the girl rabbit?
"This won't take long, did it?"
Why can't you hear 2 rabbits F**king??
>
>
>
He has Cotton Balls!!! [LOL]
spittoon
01-27-2011, 17:05
uh
JohnTRourke
01-31-2011, 16:16
A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'
The bride-to-be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'
The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time---for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'
'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'
'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.
'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
ChunkyMonkey
01-31-2011, 16:18
I gotta steal that one... [ROFL1]
Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play toegether. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no availfor he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?? yep, you betcha, there is a moral
'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley to Pick Up Chicks!
Byte Stryke
02-17-2011, 14:17
Five cannibals were employed by Special Forces in the Highlands as scouts and translators during one of the operations during the Iraq War. When the Commanding Officer of Special Forces welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Army is eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Soldier."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the C.O. returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'no'. After the C.O. left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Sergeant?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything,..... then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!"
JohnTRourke
02-17-2011, 14:52
Five cannibals were employed by Special Forces in the Highlands as scouts and translators during one of the operations during the Iraq War. When the Commanding Officer of Special Forces welcomed the cannibals he said, "You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Army is eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Soldier."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the C.O. returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'no'. After the C.O. left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you idiots ate the Sergeant?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything,..... then YOU had to go and eat an NCO!"
ROTFLMAOPMP
now that's funny.
StagLefty
02-21-2011, 17:27
Marine School Teacher
A former Infantry Sergeant having served his
time with the Marine Corps took a new job as a school teacher.
Just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to
wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the
cast fit under his shirt and wasn't even noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a
former Marine were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really
was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy
classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his
desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took a stapler and
stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that
year...
Borrowed from another forum:
Anger Management
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone - don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
He replied "Wrong number asshole" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
Down the road days later, I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello?" You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, Asshole, a yellow house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better...
Byte Stryke
02-21-2011, 19:36
my wife thinks Ive lost my mind I was laughing so hard.
[ROFL1]
porfiriozg
02-21-2011, 23:43
after the week i've had that makes me feel better
Borrowed from another forum:
StagLefty
02-22-2011, 16:13
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs, and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
mcantar18c
02-22-2011, 18:28
Borrowed from another forum:
Can I ask what forum that's from?
My best friend's name is Don Hanson, and this is totally something he'd do, but I haven't heard this story before lol.
Can I ask what forum that's from?
My best friend's name is Don Hanson, and this is totally something he'd do, but I haven't heard this story before lol.
I've seen that floating around on the internet for years now.
StagLefty
02-23-2011, 13:08
I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this
joke.
Today's word is................. Fluctuations
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated .
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla
fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too."
TriggerHappy
02-24-2011, 15:04
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor
Byte Stryke
02-24-2011, 15:33
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor
[ROFL1][LOL][ROFL1][LOL]
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his clothes?
BLEEEEACH.
How do you make Lady Gaga mad? Poker face.
I wish my grass was more emo. That way it would cut itself.
I want to go down on you and make you real happy. Then I want to come back up slowly and fuck you good and hard. Sincerely, Gas Prices.
I want to go down on you and make you real happy. Then I want to come back up slowly and fuck you good and hard. Sincerely, Gas Prices.
Less of a joke than it should be...filled the front tank on the pickup today...$54...[Rant1]
Less of a joke than it should be...filled the front tank on the pickup today...$54...[Rant1]
Its BS that's for sure. They say its from trouble in Egypt but those guys would jack up prices for any reason that seems plausible or not.
A snow storm in Ohio makes it cold they jack up prices.
Byte Stryke
02-25-2011, 15:47
Its BS that's for sure. They say its from trouble in Egypt but those guys would jack up prices for any reason that seems plausible or not.
A snow storm in Ohio makes it cold they jack up prices.
Egypt exports no oil (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Economy_of_Egypt)
True the real joke is highjackers have taken over this thread and nobody noticed.
Lex_Luthor
02-25-2011, 16:17
Somali imposters!
funkfool
02-26-2011, 11:56
A Wish To Live Forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy
porfiriozg
02-26-2011, 15:19
if you cant beat them, find a loop hole to the rules
A Wish To Live Forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy
Lex_Luthor
02-28-2011, 13:10
Not really a joke, actually more truth told.
I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called
the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.” By chance I stumbled
upon this verse in the Bible:
“ The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left .”
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen
Not really a joke, actually more truth told.
I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called
the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.” By chance I stumbled
upon this verse in the Bible:
“ The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left .”
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)
Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen
If anyone is interested in the real reason for the nomenclature, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left–right_politics#History_of_the_terms
H.
theGinsue
03-08-2011, 09:23
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?
So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.
Life is good in the South.
During a Black Eyed Peas concert in London, Fergie lifted up her shirt and flashed her titties at the crowd. Everyone cheered. Minutes later, the Queen of England jumped up on stage and started douching right in front of everyone. The crowd went wild.
A lone American in the crowd loudly asked, "What the fuck is going on?!" A Brit next to him responded, "Come on mate, everyone knows that a Royal Flush beats a Pair any day."
I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"
He said, "It's President's Day".
She asked, "What does that mean ?"
... I was waiting for something profound...
He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."
I almost snorted my iced tea.
MuzzleFlash
03-09-2011, 15:22
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "The little bastard eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the things the monkey ate, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar.
While he's finishing his drink, his monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"No, what?", replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!".
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
MuzzleFlash
03-09-2011, 15:33
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/luv2ski80007/Humor-private/Truck.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/luv2ski80007/Humor-private/Ass.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/luv2ski80007/Humor-private/Truck.jpg
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/luv2ski80007/Humor-private/Ass.jpg
[ROFL1] I would sport that on my truck!
TEAMRICO
03-09-2011, 19:14
I could never understand that STUPID pose that idiot makes with his face.
Is that the image he wants on his statues his believes will be erected of him like Saddam!
What an ASS-Clown!
StagLefty
03-10-2011, 10:49
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 AM and is asked where
he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, the problems it causes in a
marriage, and other long term effects of drinking.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that kind of lecture at
this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”
The Devil and St. Peter met at the fence separating Heaven and Hell and once again it was broken down.
St. Peter: Devil the fence is broken and your people are slipping into Heaven. It is your turn to fix the fence.
Devil: No it isn't and I refuse to fix the fence.
St. Peter: We have this argument all the time, I've had it, I am going to sue.
Devil: Oh yea! Where are you going to find a lawyer.
MuzzleFlash
03-10-2011, 13:15
http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f9/luv2ski80007/Humor-private/GiveAShit.jpg
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am
not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
patrick0685
03-21-2011, 17:46
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am
not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
it would be funnier if it werent so true
DSB OUTDOORS
03-28-2011, 17:55
How much Cocaine did Charlie Sheen do????
>
>
>
>
>
>
Enough to KILL 2 1/2 men!! [ROFL1] [ROFL2]
mcantar18c
03-30-2011, 23:30
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service,
and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."
What did the left boob say to the right boob??
We better get some suport or people are guna think we are nuts
Joke of the Day thread:
http://www.co-ar15.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28099&highlight=joke
Well now I don't find it funny why did you not search for ajoke thread to begin with. Now I have been drug into this and I'm ubber pissed
mcantar18c
04-25-2011, 23:59
^ lol
Gunner want a cracker?
:p
theGinsue
04-26-2011, 00:07
Multiple joke thread --> fixed
Gunner want a cracker?
:p
That's Rex
He's a parrotsaurus Rex
your jealous.it my girlfriends
And yes a chicken bisket please
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:13
That's Rex
He's a parrotsaurus Rex
your jealous.it my girlfriends
And yes a chicken bisket please
I gotta ask... does it talk?
Not yet he is still a baby.
Only born in December and will live to be like 30. He does laugh in his sleep
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:18
Not yet he is still a baby.
Only born in December and will live to be like 30. He does laugh in his sleep
Lol WTF does a parrot sound like when it laughs?
Honestly it kinda creepy ask scooterCO it is his daughters mayber he can explian it. It also kinda cute
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:26
When I see a bird of any kind my first though it "I wonder how it tastes" not "oh how cute" [ROFL1]
I have thought that too. But I cant tell her that. I'm trained..... well
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:30
Sure you can. Just make sure to strategically place your hands over your sensitive areas when doing so.
Haha. Real men are kind to animals... quoted off a PETA bumper sticker
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:33
Real men don't drive vehicles that sticker would look at home on.
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:37
Like anything foreign lol
Smart car. What a waste of a parking space
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 00:44
^[ROFL1]
Smart car. What a waste of a parking space
I'm pretty sure a Smart Car could fit in my truck bed.
That joke was awesome!
I hate those cars
Colorado Osprey
04-26-2011, 05:35
^[ROFL1]
I'm pretty sure a Smart Car could fit in my truck bed.
I know for a fact that if your remove the interior (seats, etc.) a whole Geo Metro will fit inside most super crew cab full size trucks out there. You will need to peel the roof off or a door pillar to get it in there though.
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 06:37
I know for a fact that if your remove the interior (seats, etc.) a whole Geo Metro will fit inside most super crew cab full size trucks out there. You will need to peel the roof off or a door pillar to get it in there though.
Pics or it didn't happen [Coffee]
bigshane
04-26-2011, 07:24
A new monk takes a vow of silence. He's silent for five years, and then he goes to the head monk. The head monk congratulates him on his acheivement, and offers a chance to say two words.
The monk utters, "Bed hard."
Five more years pass. Finally the monk sees the head monk again.
He is allowed two more words after these ten years. "Food bad."
Five years later, the monk is allowed to speak after a total of
fifteen years. His words: "I quit."
The Abbot replies, "Good Riddance! You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"
mcantar18c
04-26-2011, 07:34
A new monk takes a vow of silence. He's silent for five years, and then he goes to the head monk. The head monk congratulates him on his acheivement, and offers a chance to say two words.
The monk utters, "Bed hard."
Five more years pass. Finally the monk sees the head monk again.
He is allowed two more words after these ten years. "Food bad."
Five years later, the monk is allowed to speak after a total of
fifteen years. His words: "I quit."
The Abbot replies, "Good Riddance! You've done nothing but bitch since you got here!"
Now are females allowed to become monks? And if so, can I sign a few up for it without their consent?
Here's one I heard from some golfers:
What's the difference between a golfball and a g-spot?
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-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
A man will spend more than three minutes searching for a golf ball
funkfool
05-04-2011, 08:44
Two Coffees in Heaven!
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barack Obama meets a man
with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks. 'No my son, I am St. Peter;
Mohammed is higher up.' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the
clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama
climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes
into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you
Mohammed?' 'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet
again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with
a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am
Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain
his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an
even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a
silver white beard and once again repeats his question: 'Are you
Mohammed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his
climbing. 'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you
look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'
Obama says, 'yes please!' As God looks behind him, he claps his
hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'
Keep your trust in God; your president is an idiot.
blackford76
05-04-2011, 09:15
^[ROFL1]
I'm pretty sure a Smart Car could fit in my truck bed.
I have a Smart Car hanging where my spare tire used to be.
68Charger
05-04-2011, 12:52
There's a smart car in COS that has the license plate "ESC POD"
I've seen one with a bumper sticker that said "escape pod for a hummer"
Smart car. What a waste of a parking space
hey, it could be fun
3h8KdtuBBLM
ETA: probably cheaper to buy a go kart tho.
Don't be hatin' on my Smart car, man...
I'm nuthin but smiles @ 44 mpg city. And chicks dig it, they're always asking about it. [Tooth]
In all reality, it has more than enough room for 2 adults and 2 weeks worth of groceries, and will go roughly 4 times as far on a gallon of gas as my F250...
blackford76
05-04-2011, 13:25
Don't be hatin' on my Smart car, man...
I'm nuthin but smiles @ 44 mpg city. And chicks dig it, they're always asking about it. [Tooth]
In all reality, it has more than enough room for 2 adults and 2 weeks worth of groceries, and will go roughly 4 times as far on a gallon of gas as my F250...
BUT...what would happen if it was hit by your F-250?
Would the money saved in gas pay for the medical bills? Just sayin'
Don't be hatin' on my Smart car, man...
I'm nuthin but smiles @ 44 mpg city. And chicks dig it, they're always asking about it. [Tooth]
In all reality, it has more than enough room for 2 adults and 2 weeks worth of groceries, and will go roughly 4 times as far on a gallon of gas as my F250...
If I lived in a downtown highrise urban location like NYC I'd drive one.
(but I'd have a regular car for road trips. smartcars will always lose in a wreck with a truck.)
If I lived in a downtown highrise urban location like NYC I'd drive one.
(but I'd have a regular car for road trips. smartcars will always lose in a wreck with a truck.)
Yeah, when I drive it, I operate in the same way I do on a bike: Make sure that nobody CAN hit you, and assume that they're trying to. We've done quite a few in state road trips in it, and it does amazingly well. Plenty of comfort, and room for the 2 of us, 2 shitzus, and our crap for overnight stays. Anything longer than that, and we take the wife's Rodeo.
BUT...what would happen if it was hit by your F-250?
Would the money saved in gas pay for the medical bills? Just sayin'
You certainly won't "win" in an accident with an F-250, however the Smart car is designed by Mercedes and has a very clever structure for impacts. It's crash ratings were better than you would expect for a car that small.
H.
You certainly won't "win" in an accident with an F-250, however the Smart car is designed by Mercedes and has a very clever structure for impacts. It's crash ratings were better than you would expect for a car that small.
H.
Really? I remember watching a few crash test videos and it did slightly worse than average. Could be wrong though...
The crash test I saw, slamming the car into a concrete barrier at 70 mph, it held together really well.
funkfool
05-05-2011, 08:16
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
[ROFL3]
Lex_Luthor
05-05-2011, 08:27
The crash test I saw, slamming the car into a concrete barrier at 70 mph, it held together really well.
That vid was awesome. I remember first seeing Smart cars in Sweden. They disburse the energy from a collision really well.
JohnTRourke
05-28-2011, 13:28
The Dark Side of Women
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.
She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.
The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
I tried searching for this thread, but could never find it. Thanks for bringing it up again!
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
JohnTRourke
05-28-2011, 16:29
A man sat around one afternoon in his later years just pondering life.
After awhile he walked in and announced to his wife of 70 years,
I have remembered many things from our life,
but I can't for the life of me remember one time you have said something
That made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.
Wife says that's easy, Your dick is way bigger than your brothers
Seamonkey
06-17-2011, 17:37
An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"
The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."
The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"
"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."
The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?
Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!"
A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.
The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.
The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.
DSB OUTDOORS
06-17-2011, 19:26
A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.
The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.
The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.
So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better??? [Tooth]
Byte Stryke
06-17-2011, 19:40
So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better??? [Tooth]
Familiarity...
[ROFL1]
DSB OUTDOORS
06-17-2011, 20:03
Familiarity...
[ROFL1]
Nope!! Marines rejected me because I had too may broken bones and would'nt pass the psyical. And did'nt want to go into the Army or Navy. But I always trust my dear Mudder!! Always wash after going Potty!! [Tooth]
I know you're teaching you're son that. Right?? [Beer]
JohnTRourke
06-25-2011, 18:56
A salt old sea-dog walks into a bar with a ships wheel around his penis.
Bartender says, 'Doesn't having that big wooden wheel there bother you?'
Sailor says 'Aye! It's driving me nuts!'
JohnTRourke
06-25-2011, 19:04
Husband comes home from work to find his wife laying on the bed naked.
She is laying there rubbing her naughty spot and says, "Oh honey, make me feel like a woman."
Husband so, "OK".
He quickly takes off all his clothes, balls them up, and tosses them on top of her.
"Here, go do my laundry".
JohnTRourke
06-25-2011, 19:28
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
lead_magnet
06-26-2011, 02:08
Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?
A: I cry when I cut up an onion.
JohnTRourke
06-26-2011, 11:05
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself –– I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and say "It's hot in here". The second muffin responds "Holy Jesus, a talking muffin!"
Scanker19
06-26-2011, 12:25
Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?
A: I cry when I cut up an onion.
You almost made me pee myself.
funkfool
07-22-2011, 11:37
Joke of the Day: Nancy Pelosi is a saint
One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
http://cdn.ihatethemedia.com/wp-content/uploads/lightning-church-e1311121372830.jpg
"...and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint."
“No,” the Cardinal replied. “I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
“While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some,” the Cardinal said to the congregation, “the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flipflop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”
“But when compared to President Obama,” the Cardinal concluded, “Pelosi is a saint.”
JohnTRourke
07-22-2011, 13:56
So the Obama family are at a baseball game getting ready for it to start when one of the President's Secret Service agents leans over and whispers into the President's ear.
After hearing what the agent says, BHO vehemently shakes his head in protest. To this the agent replies, "with all due respect sir, I think the fans and participants would all get a real thrill out of it." "Everyone on the teams, from the batboys all the way to the managers have said they would like for you to do it, and the fans would definitely approve as well."
BHO replies, "well ok, I guess." He then proceeds to stand up, walk over to Michelle, grab her by the collar and the belt and toss her unceremoniously over the rail onto the field. She is stunned and obviously upset, but everyone in the stands and the dugouts begins cheering and hooting and seems to think it was grand...
BHO waves to the crowd and heads back to his seat, where he finds his secret service agent pale and looking stunned.
The agent says, "but sir, I said everyone thought you should throw out the first PITCH!"
JohnTRourke
07-22-2011, 15:14
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.
Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal More than Vonn because no one has ever gone Downhill faster than he has.
You could hear a pin drop (sorry for the length)
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American.. During a break, one of the
French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies
and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
True Story:
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have Been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was Here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your Passports on arrival in France !' The American Senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
FROM A BEWILDERED TEXAS RANCHER... While riding down along the border around 8 this morning,
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the
law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office andthe Federal Department of Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
funkfool
07-27-2011, 14:26
Thanksgiving 2022
"Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband.
"In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered.
Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington .
Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world", Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be.
Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting. Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in.
It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey . Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce, and mincemeat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey.
And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.
Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold.
Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.
Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment.
He had had many heated conversations with the
Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program.
And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
"The RHC's resources are limited", explained the
government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."
Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials.
The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in.
Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion.
No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.
Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists."
Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022.
That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved.
Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine.
Almost.
The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.
"A living Constitution is extremely flexible", said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example", she added.
Winston's thoughts turned to his own children.
He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner.
Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford.
She whined for a week, but got over it.
His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism, or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner", but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being.
Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13.
The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth."
This time, they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
At least, he had his memories.
He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential.
Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.
He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2011 , when all the real nonsense began.
"Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.
Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.
A husband and wife are having issues with intimacy in their marriage. A happily married couple with two children they go to a doctor to see what's wrong. Turns out the husband has a decreased libido so the doctor prescribes a pill that will help the husband out. He tells the wife "Only put one of these in his meal at dinner, no more."
That night the wife puts a pill into his food and they have the best sex ever. She is so pleased that the following night she puts five in and it's even better sex. The third night she puts half the bottle into his food thinking she's going to need a few days off to recover from the best sex she will ever have. The next morning the police show up because of a noise complaint. The eight year old son answers the door crying.
"What's wrong?" asks one of the cops.
"Well, my mom's dead, my sister is bleeding from nearly every hole in her body, my ass hurts and my dad is chasing the dog around the house."
Pistol Packing Preacher
07-27-2011, 16:00
Doc: "Do you wear Shorts or Briefs?"
Patient: "Depends!"
[Beer]
mcantar18c
07-27-2011, 16:27
This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was funny...
http://www.channel3000.com/news/28679842/detail.html
Police in Iowa say a woman was assaulted with a bratwurst Monday night after refusing to fight with a homeless woman.
mcantar18c
07-29-2011, 00:30
I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance..
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.
mcantar18c
07-29-2011, 01:20
Thought this one was pretty good...
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified To discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after Death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
mcantar18c
08-08-2011, 02:01
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up..' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up.'
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
Obama says, "Yes please"! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and says: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""
n8tive97
08-10-2011, 07:26
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.
'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,'An, ID ten T error ?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.
'Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
'No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.
So I wrote down:ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little shit
</SPAN>
mcantar18c
08-10-2011, 10:17
ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]
Sharpienads
08-10-2011, 13:01
ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]
In my job in the Air Force, the nomenclature for the portable radios we use start with PRC (Portable Radio Communications, pronounced "prick"), i.e. PRC-117, PRC-148, PRC152, etc. So whenever we get new guys, we'll send them to the Senior or Chief's office to ask if there's a PRC-E7 or PRC-E8 in there... [ROFL1]
In my job in the Air Force, the nomenclature for the portable radios we use start with PRC (Portable Radio Communications, pronounced "prick"), i.e. PRC-117, PRC-148, PRC152, etc. So whenever we get new guys, we'll send them to the Senior or Chief's office to ask if there's a PRC-E7 or PRC-E8 in there... [ROFL1]
[ROFL1] Nice!
I know a lot of the current and former service members here will appreciate this one:
A young PV2 fresh out of basic is riding a train home. In the same room as him are an old woman, a young, attractive college aged girl, and an older 1SG. The train goes through a tunnel and it goes completely dark for almost half a minute. In the darkness there is the sound of a kiss then a loud *Slap!* When the train exits the tunnel the 1SG is holding his cheek and everyone is left with their thoughts.
'Serves that man right for trying to kiss that young girl,' thinks the old woman.
'Who would want to actually kiss that old bag?' thinks the young girl.
'Was that just a case of mistaken identity?' the 1SG thinks.
Then the PV2 thinks, 'Hahaha! I can kiss my hand and slap a 1SG and no one knows any better!' [LOL]
Scanker19
08-10-2011, 15:20
ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]
Being Armor we would try to get the new guys to check for soft spots on the armor with ball peen hammer.
Letter recently sent from the Reagan family to would-be Presidential assassin John Hinkley (I lived behind his parents growing up):
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.. In our fine country’s spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
n8tive97
08-16-2011, 07:54
*LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE*
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an
airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to
talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation
with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book,little
replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to
talk about?"
“Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why
there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a
deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no
idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven
or Hell, or no life after death, when you don't know shit?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
mcantar18c
08-16-2011, 13:56
*LITTLE GIRL ON AN AIRPLANE*
I just posted that one on the last page... probably one of my favorites [ROFL1]
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.
n8tive97
08-16-2011, 14:26
I just posted that one on the last page... probably one of my favorites [ROFL1]
The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.
Sorry.... I will use that the next time I get that challenge from an atheist.
mcantar18c
08-16-2011, 14:44
Sorry.... I will use that the next time I get that challenge from an atheist.
As will I... no worries, it was good to read it again.
mcantar18c
08-16-2011, 15:04
A southern West Virginia preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am offended and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
AirbornePathogen
08-16-2011, 15:38
ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
[Muaha]
"All right, Airborne, I need you to head down to supply and get me a coil of flight line, a bucket of prop wash, an M203 blank adapter, a set of Humvee spark plugs, and a Mk 19 spare barrel."
Good times, good times...
WiseAsset
08-19-2011, 17:54
A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."
The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA (about 2 years ago) we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States, and now....... the whole country is looking for work !!!!!!" [ROFL1]
mcantar18c
08-24-2011, 00:16
On the recent earthquake in DC....
That wasn't an earthquake. It was our Founders rolling over.
It was the CHANGE hitting the fan.
Since this East Coast fault line has no name, we're gonna call it Bush's Fault.
TDYRanger
08-24-2011, 08:53
"All right, Airborne, I need you to head down to supply and get me a coil of flight line, a bucket of prop wash, an M203 blank adapter, a set of Humvee spark plugs, and a Mk 19 spare barrel."
Good times, good times...
Don't forget riser grease
Pistol Packing Preacher
08-24-2011, 08:59
As a bunch of paratroopers were boarding my C-130...
One of them shouted...
"Airborne... till death do us part!"
I responded...
"That can be arranged!"
No further comments...
Soon, I had the plane all to myself...
[Beer]
theGinsue
08-25-2011, 11:27
A man goes into Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady at the service counter . . .
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "That's the one, I'll take a copy."
So this baby seal walks into a club... Okay, I know that was just wrong!!!
So this baby seal walks into a club... Okay, I know that was just wrong!!!
[ROFL1] Funny regardless... terrible, but funny!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
theGinsue
08-25-2011, 16:18
So a new prison inmate is in the "yard" with several of the other inmates when he's asked the obvious question: So, what'd you do to end up in here?"
The new inmate responds "Nothing, I just wanted to move to a new place with lots of bars nearby."
Bailey Guns
08-25-2011, 16:22
A fish swims into a concrete wall and says, "Dam."
DANGERTASTIC!
08-25-2011, 17:15
A baby seal walks into a club
Bailey Guns
08-25-2011, 17:17
A baby seal walks into a club
Another one?
patrick0685
08-25-2011, 17:28
Another one?
apparently baby seals are dumb
JohnTRourke
10-04-2011, 16:19
A new truck driver is rolling down the highway when he feels a bump. He pulls over and checks his rig, then calls into dispatch. "I have hit a pig and he is stuck under my truck. What shall I do?"
Dispatch tells him to throw the pig into the trailer and bring it in so they can decide what to do.
He then asks, "What shall I do with his motorcycle???"
DSB OUTDOORS
10-04-2011, 18:12
I saw that one comming! [ROFL1] Thats Bad! But I like it. [LOL]
Fake. No truck driver uses the word "shall."
Fake. No truck driver uses the word "shall."
You never heard them say "I need to gas up."
"Are you going to conaco?"
"Nope Shall."
[Beer]
TriggerHappy
10-05-2011, 00:21
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the front door??
........Matt.
JohnTRourke
10-05-2011, 05:05
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the front door??
........Matt.
and if he's hanging on the wall???????
Art
or in the ocean?
Bob
CO303303
10-06-2011, 16:02
kinda funny.
Resurrecting this one...we need more light stuff.
MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxx
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
henpecked
01-08-2013, 10:52
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination to everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, to get some humor out of life, and to pass it on to other folks.
henpecked, that was a good one, except it would appear if not yours, then whoever you got that from doesn't have a very functional space bar.
henpecked
01-08-2013, 11:47
copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?
copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-7GTUBckZMPc/UMaUkZMAs1I/AAAAAAAADEc/ewCvUf9IMxo/s1600/Snoopy-Grammar-Nazi.jpg
sellersm
01-27-2013, 16:15
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,
she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
missionxo
01-27-2013, 21:04
A guy and his new wife walks into a Hotel and asks for the honeymoon suite. The guy at the front desk takes care of them and they are on their way up to the room. No more than 10 minutes later the guy comes down wearing fishing waders, fishing vest and a pole. The guy at the front desk stops him "hey its your honeymoon you should be up there getting busy!!" ......."Well I would love to but my wife has Gonorrhea" ...Wow!! " Well what about a blow Job?? ........"That would be awesome but she also has Pyorrhea"........."Holy Shit..Well at least you could get her in the ass"........" Yea well she suffers from chronic Diarrhea" Good God!!!!!!!!!! " Gonorrhea?? Pyorrhea and Diarrhea???? Excuse me for asking this but why the HELL did you marry her?? .........Well she also has worms and I LOVE to fish!!!!
GilpinGuy
01-27-2013, 22:27
In 1202 A.D. Muslims invented the first condom by using the last few inches of a goat's intestine.
By 1487 A.D. the British started removing it from the goat it first.
sellersm
01-28-2013, 12:29
Got this in an email today:
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
10mm-man
01-28-2013, 17:32
From my son, (Dad put this on the forum):
How do you make a tissue dance???
Put a little boogie in it..........
Rucker61
01-29-2013, 00:18
[ROFL1] Funny regardless... terrible, but funny!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey...
GilpinGuy
01-29-2013, 00:25
You know why a woman's work is never done?
Because she doesn't get up early enough.
Scanker19
02-04-2013, 15:37
What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic?
Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.
Great-Kazoo
02-04-2013, 17:30
hear about those 2 gay irishmen.
Michael Fitzpatrick
and
Patrick Fitzmachael
What;s light brown and floats?
Natalie Wood
henpecked
02-04-2013, 17:35
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes? His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. The husband says, No, not at all. His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
Ha! Nice.
encorehunter
02-25-2013, 13:14
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, boy. Would you be interested in a trade, sex for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what kind of ammo do you have to trade?"
Sorry, I stole this from another forum, but I had a good laugh and thought I would pass it on.
soldier-of-the-apocalypse
02-25-2013, 13:19
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
hurley842002
02-25-2013, 13:34
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
Haha definitely! Furthermore, if I wanted to barter for sex, things like cash, gold, silver, plutonium, and many other items are much easier to come by at this time...
drift_g35
02-25-2013, 13:35
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
[ROFL2]
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
Damn that is funny!
muddywings
02-25-2013, 13:52
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home, I stopped at the gas station and this drop dead gorgeous blond was filling her car at the next pump. She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, boy. Would you be interested in a trade, sex for ammo?"
I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"Well, just what kind of ammo do you have to trade?"
Sorry, I stole this from another forum, but I had a good laugh and thought I would pass it on.
4.2....at best
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
7.1....firm
I dont think I would be interested in that deal if I lived in Trinidad, just saying
She might have been packin a little extra..... In her pants
Kraven251
02-25-2013, 14:18
She might have been packin a little extra..... In her pants
Firm.
Do not get offended, it's only a joke- NOTICE: Ladies, I would never condone this behavior, but for the sake of the joke it did make me laugh!
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
Do not get offended, it's only a joke- NOTICE: Ladies, I would never condone this behavior, but for the sake of the joke it did make me laugh!
The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...
As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
I will be TELLING this to my wife when I get home tonight but not acting it out!!
Jesus-With-A-.45
02-25-2013, 15:11
Washinton DC.
Congress.
President Obama.
Liberals.
"Honest & Open" discussion before the liberal house, senate & governor vote on gun bans in Colorado.
Shall I continue......
Two childhood friends part ways after high school graduation. One goes to Wyoming and becomes a rancher. The other goes to San Fransisco and becomes an interior decorator.
Years go by without the two having any contact then one day the guy from San Fransisco calls his farmer friend and tells him he is coming to Wyoming for a visit.
The two friends spend the day talking about old times and hanging out on the ranch having a great time. As they are walking along a fence line they come across a sheep with his head stuck it the fence.
"Woo doggie! Watch this..." Said the guy from Wyoming who proceeded to pull down his pants and service the sheep.
When he had finished, he looked at his friend from California and said "it's your turn now."
With a gleam in his eye, the interior decorator ran over to the fence, dropped his pants, bent over and stuck his head in the fence and said "go ahead."
Byte Stryke
02-25-2013, 16:22
Two childhood friends part ways after high school graduation. One goes to Wyoming and becomes a rancher. The other goes to Denver and becomes an politician.
Years go by without the two having any contact then one day the guy from Denver calls his farmer friend and tells him he is coming to Wyoming for a visit.
The two friends spend the day talking about old times and hanging out on the ranch having a great time. As they are walking along a fence line they come across a sheep with his head stuck it the fence.
"Woo doggie! Watch this..." Said the guy from Wyoming who proceeded to pull down his pants and service the sheep.
When he had finished, he looked at his friend from Denver and said "it's your turn now."
With a gleam in his eye, the politician decorator ran over to the fence, dropped his pants, bent over and stuck his head in the fence and said "go ahead."
I like mine better
:D
I like mine better
:D
Come on... Everyone knows a politician gives the screwing and doesn't take the screwing. [fail]
GilpinGuy
03-31-2013, 01:28
An old timer was working on his ranch in Nebraska one day when he collapses from an apparent heart attack. His wife drives him the 30 miles or so to the nearest hospital.
After some time, the doctor comes out to the waiting area with a long face and walks up to the old timers wife.
"Your husband suffered a serious heart attack. He's still alive, but I'm afraid he is brain dead and will not recover", said the doctor.
The wife bursts into tears. The doctor says "I'm sorry for your loss madam."
The wife says, "Thank you. It's just....we never had a liberal in the family before!"
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."
He lost 63 pounds that week.
GilpinGuy
04-08-2013, 02:12
Two guys were sitting at the bar one night, drinking heavily.
The older guy says to the younger guy, "Let me tell you something...I been screwing your mamma for years."
The younger guy says, "Shut the fuck up, you're drunk dad."
Scanker19
04-08-2013, 22:16
I went to Washington state over spring break. While I was there my brother and I went to this zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu..............
GilpinGuy
04-11-2013, 00:20
I went to Washington state over spring break. While I was there my brother and I went to this zoo. There was only one animal in the whole zoo, a dog. It was a Shih Tzu..............
At first I was like [Dunno]
Then I was like [facepalm] Hahaha!
JohnTRourke
04-11-2013, 06:07
I was at the pub yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan. I asked him how it was going, and if he was making any more movies. He told me,"me no longer make movies, me have severe arthritis, both shoulders and not swing from vine to tree".
I asked how Jane was doing? He told me,"Jane in bad shape, in nursing home, has Alzheimer's and not recognizes anyone". How sad!
I asked about Boy, and he told me "Boy, gone big city, get with bad women, on drugs and alcoholic; and only time hear from him, when in trouble or need something".
I asked about Cheeta: he beamed and said, "Cheeta do good. She marry lawyer, had plastic surgery, now live in White House!!!
when you took your morning leak the joke was in your hand [Coffee]
JohnTRourke
04-11-2013, 13:53
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
This one is too much... enjoy the laugh!
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!
encorehunter
04-20-2013, 20:37
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Platteville and is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl."
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.
Should I tell her about my cousin who is an Obama supporter?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
GilpinGuy
04-20-2013, 23:30
A lady goes to see her "female" doctor one day for a routine check up.
The doc does his thing and says, "Well, ma'am, you're totally healthy. But I have to tell you, that is the biggest snatch I have ever seen!"
Since the lady never actually saw her own "snatch" she was a bit confused.
When she got home she took a mirror off of the wall and put it on the ground so she could stand over it and take a look.
While doing this, her husband walked in the room and exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing?"
She said, "Ohh, umm, I'm trying this new aerobics workout...."
Husband replies, "Fine, just make sure you don't fall into that giant hole in the floor."
JohnTRourke
05-18-2013, 05:55
There was a bit of confusion at the Ace Hardware this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,
the cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to our local newspaper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out that she was telling me how to run my credit card through the reader!
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
GilpinGuy
05-18-2013, 13:39
Another good reason for large magazines:
A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver around and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You're gonna need more ammo!"
GilpinGuy
05-19-2013, 01:00
A guy at one end of the bar says, "All lawyers are asshoels!!"
The guy at the other end of the bar says, "Sir, I take great offense to that remark."
First guy asks, "Are you a lawyer?"
Second guy replies, "No, I'm an asshole."
I saw this guy sniffing the floor earlier and was intrigued to know why he was doing it.
"Excuse me sir, why are you sniffing the floor?" I asked.
"Fuck off!" He said sharply.
"That's a bit rude" I replied "I only wanted to know why you were sniffing the floor."
About that time is when I was thrown out of the Mosque...
What does Al Pacino call his morning cup of coffee?
Ca-Pacino!
Yuk yuk yuk!
GilpinGuy
06-10-2013, 23:14
It isbecoming a very scary world out there.AnotherFamous American converts to Islam...
It wasannounced today that Buckwheat of“Our Gang” (1950s) fame, has converted to the Muslim faith and changed his nameto: Kareem of Wheat...
I justhope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But, it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End
ChunkyMonkey
06-15-2013, 13:24
^ lol
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:
' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
The husband is still in intensive care and the prognosis is not good!!!
DSB OUTDOORS
06-21-2013, 21:08
2 fishermen were walking along the road going to there favorite spot. A funeral precession and limos goes by. One of the fishermen takes his hat off and bows his head until all the cars pass. His buddy says that was very honorable why. The guy reply's, "Well.......... we were married for 30 years!"
What does a girl from Arkansas say after having sex?
Get off me Dad your crushing my smokes.
Why can't the little Greek boy run away from home?
He can't bear to leave his brother's behind.
CATHOLIC SHAMPOO
Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered, "Indeed it would, Sister, But I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.
... The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said. "Back at the Convent, we call it Catholic shampoo."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of large pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer..
He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, "The curlers are on the house."
GilpinGuy
07-08-2013, 03:25
A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it.
The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much."
The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
How do you like it here? asks the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says Grandpa.
We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.
Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abdullah says with a big smile...
There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
SuperiorDG
07-20-2013, 13:37
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning. I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
SuperiorDG
07-28-2013, 08:20
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"
SuperiorDG
08-04-2013, 07:52
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
Do you know what I hate about women breast feeding in public?
They never wink back.
Do you know what I hate about women breast feeding in public?
They never wink back.
I will NOT be telling my wife that joke! Ha, great one!!
Big Wall
08-04-2013, 19:23
Did you hear about the new, low fat communion wafers?
They're called "I can't believe it's not Jesus."
A few minutes before the services started, the church people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil one. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, unconcerned to the fact that mankind’s enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, your Satan.” “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “No, sure ain’t” said the man. “Don’t you realize what I can do to you?” asked Satan. “I know what you can do to me,” replied the old man. “And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope.” A little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
sellersm
08-06-2013, 12:09
Spanish Computer
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Walker2970
08-10-2013, 12:51
RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.
Moral don't mess with old guys
henpecked
08-10-2013, 12:54
Subject: Acetaminophen
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
GilpinGuy
08-11-2013, 15:42
NFL Update - Washington
Because the American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself from Indian names, the Washington Redskins have announced that they will change their name to the Washington Foreskins, in honor of all the dicks in Washington DC , effective immediately.
GilpinGuy
08-11-2013, 15:51
Why do mermaids where seashells?
Because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big.
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