View Full Version : Today's funny
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'[ROFL2][ROFL3][ROFL1]
Now we have to see the picture
DSB is single if you're looking for a man..
He's a little 'off'.. but if you're ugly it works.
KevDen2005
09-19-2011, 23:39
Good one. I alwasy love when the joke takes an unexpected turn
rockhound
09-20-2011, 01:13
[rofl2][rofl2][rofl2]
I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
Don't worry maybe someday you will...
Now we have to see the picture
Yes, for the 2nd time in my tenure on this forum I get to drop it!
[Worth]
DSB OUTDOORS
09-20-2011, 10:13
DSB is single if you're looking for a man..
He's a little 'off'.. but if you're ugly it works.
[ROFL1] Yes, yes I am. Please send pics of the RV, Boat, ATV, and any Firearms you own to DSB OUTDOORS. Thanks. [Tooth]
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f..k off. [Coffee]
Bailey Guns
09-21-2011, 05:22
That's funny!
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to f..k off. [Coffee]
So there I was reading your post actually thinking it was just a true story with no real funny ending...
That was until I was forced to use about 5 paper towels to get the Dr. Pepper off of my desk and monitor at work. [LOL]
* Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, It s my husband! Quick, try the back door!
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don t get offers like that every day.
___________[Coffee]
Bailey Guns
09-22-2011, 04:53
You're battin' for the cycle, TSOTSI!
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman
...
dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
"Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked,
"Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am,"
and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking,
"Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes,"
and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked,
"Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied,
"The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna
get fucked out of my peaches...
My nephew went into class today for show and tell. It was his turn and he walked up to the blackboard and drew a dot. The teacher asked "Is that a spot?" "No," said little Johnny, "it's a period."
"What's so special about a period?" The teacher asked.
"You tell me... my sister missed hers, my mom hasn't stopped crying, my dad started loading up his guns, and the boy next door joined the Navy."
mcantar18c
09-24-2011, 00:56
An illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks....
"What can I get you Mr. President?"
My wife just came in and said, I don t know if I am coming or going.
I said to her, Judging by the look on your face, you re going
cus when you re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning
to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning![Coffee]
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
I came home from work today, tired and weary I popped down into my favorite chair and turned on the TV. "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?" She obliged and I drank my beer. Soon it was empty so I asked again, "Hon, can you get me a beer before it starts?" She got me another. I finished it and ask yet again, "Hey can you get me a beer before it starts?" She entered the room and crossed her arms, "Why don't you get your own goddamn beer?" "Shit, it's started."
DSB OUTDOORS
10-05-2011, 18:27
[ROFL1] I'm a little slow but I got it!! Before it starts. [LOL]
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
Bootifus
10-10-2011, 17:05
Big tits are great for a girlfriend, but not a wife of 25 years with a few kids, they are more like bowling balls in wet socks.
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."
jerrymrc
10-10-2011, 18:11
Big tits are great for a girlfriend, but not a wife of 25 years with a few kids, they are more like bowling balls in wet socks.
One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.
After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.
Did ya see the size of those tits dad? [Bang]
One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.
After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.
Did ya see the size of those tits dad? [Bang]
[ROFL1]
One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.
After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.
Did ya see the size of those tits dad? [Bang]
any thing more than a handful is a waste
jerrymrc
10-10-2011, 20:47
[ROFL1]
It is true. I still to this day wonder about that. I do have to say that out of the three boys he is the best but still has that thing for them....[Coffee]
any thing more than a handful is a waste His mother is a prime example. I Never had a thing for large ones. It does pay off in later years. ;)
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
One Friday night I advised my wife I would be leaving early
in the morning to go fishing.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph,
so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started.......
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
Merge? http://www.co-ar15.com/forums/showthread.php?t=28099
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked
He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"
Byte Stryke
10-14-2011, 08:45
http://i1092.photobucket.com/albums/i410/Guy_Bennett/Marine.jpg
the funny part is that anyone would believe that they still say the pledge of allegiance in school
the funny part is that anyone would believe that they still say the pledge of allegiance in school
yes they say it every day in school first thing in the morning in brighton 27J schools. I don't let kids sit or do anything disrespectful during the pledge. I have given more than one lecture about it to.[Beer]
soldier-of-the-apocalypse
10-14-2011, 10:43
yes they say it every day in school first thing in the morning in brighton 27J schools. I don't let kids sit or do anything disrespectful during the pledge. I have given more than one lecture about it to.[Beer]
do you teach in brighton none of my teachers were "AR PIMPS" haha
Big Wall
10-14-2011, 10:48
the funny part is that anyone would believe that they still say the pledge of allegiance in school
At least in elementary and middle school in Littleton public schools they say the pledge of allegiance every morning.
ghettodub
10-18-2011, 15:49
My boss just emailed this to me:
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."
"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn , Michigan and still wearing all this ****?"
An Illegal Alien, a Muslim, a Racist and a Communist go into a bar.
The bartender asks:
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"
bameverden
10-19-2011, 11:48
That's great! I don't know what I would do if that really happened to me...
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed
a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
GOV’T AGENT:
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”
RANCHER:
”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of
all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and
I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
GOV’T AGENT:
“That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”
RANCHER:
“That would be me.”
do you teach in brighton none of my teachers were "AR PIMPS" haha
My wife ,sister, and brother in law do. I substitute
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:
Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
Me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs
Up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out
For her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat.
When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse,
Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a
Hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
DSB OUTDOORS
10-21-2011, 20:06
Back in the day we had.
Jonny Cash
Steve Jobs and
Bob Hope!!
Now with Obama.
We have No Cash, Now Jobs and No Hope!! [Coffee]
mcantar18c
10-22-2011, 20:35
Got this in an email... laughing my ass off, I have done this exact process up to step 36.
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, cat litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw cat litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw cat litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting cat litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more cat litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Scanker19
10-22-2011, 21:04
Got this in an email... laughing my ass off, I have done this exact process up to step 36.
Oil Change Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, cat litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7.. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw cat litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw cat litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting cat litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more cat litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
Are you following me?
Gcompact30
10-22-2011, 21:33
Lmao
68Charger
10-26-2011, 12:38
I have a sudden craving for some beer... I wonder if one of my vehicles needs an oil change?
Half Live
10-26-2011, 21:54
I have a sudden craving for some beer... I wonder if one of my vehicles needs an oil change?
I have 2 vehicles needing an oil change and one of them needs the rear main seal replace. I think I might just get a keg for that one. :)
That is too funny. They offer a LIFETIME oil change package for $300 at the dealership I work at...
And I always hear the big tough macho guys say "No thanks, I prefer to change my own oil". [ROFL1]
mcantar18c
10-27-2011, 14:09
Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Arkansas.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the boy.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny" replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day Mohammad?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad, I am in America and now my name is Johnny."
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion!?"
"SHAME ON YOU!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked...
"What happened to you little Johnny?"
"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth
than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the
dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the
same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls
on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired
people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
7. The last words of anyone in your family were, "Hey
y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling
fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled
Banner are, "Gentlemen, .... start your engines!"
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up/down,
depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the
fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to
get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your
wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers, "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend
hits the floor.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is
Walmart.
23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your
non-working T.V.
24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler.
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet
table.
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in
front of the K-Mart.
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home.
28.. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does
$100,000 dollars worth of improvement.
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back
scratcher.
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it
hangin?"
31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had
jury duty.
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65
mph.
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in
your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...
34. Your truck's gas cap is an old t-shirt.
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 are not funny.
A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sight seeing n
Mexico **
*While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" *
* *
*The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!" *
*The Texan said, "What the heck, bring me an order." *
*The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." *
* *
*The next morning, the Texas returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday." *
* *
*The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins.*
Fentonite
10-28-2011, 22:52
Threw up a little from that one
[Puke]
TriggerHappy
10-30-2011, 14:22
How much coke can Charlie Sheen do??
..enough to kill 2 1/2 men..
DSB OUTDOORS
10-30-2011, 20:01
A cowboy goes into a store and says I'll take a 3 pack of condoms!!
The gal behind the counter say's would you like a paper bag??
The cowboy replies..
Na she aint that ugly!!! [Coffee]
Lol... that's a good one.
True story just happened today at the office. I saw an ad for The Sopranos boxed DVD set for $600 (and thought that was ridiculous considering I got the same set in Afghanistan for $60).. went over to my dad and inquired about his interest in the now gone HBO hit. The conversation went like this:
Me: Dad, did you ever get into the Sopranos?
Dad: I don't know, but I did an Alto once...
Laughter and me shaking his hand followed.
mcantar18c
11-04-2011, 00:52
If a man is talking in the forest with no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
ChunkyMonkey
11-04-2011, 10:52
bynJ5JpLgd4
Who wants to bitch slap this guy!
[youtube]bynJ5JpLgd4[/ytube]
Who wants to bitch slap this guy!
I'm in, lmk when/where.
I give praise to all the cops that can actually take that crap from idiots without pimp slapping them in the mouth...
If I were a cop, I would get suspended in a day.[Kick1]
ChunkyMonkey
11-04-2011, 21:51
I think I know that guy!
I am glad you left him. [Tooth]
I gained too much weight. :(
Byte Stryke
11-04-2011, 22:16
I think I know that guy!
I am glad you left him. [Tooth]
[ROFL1]
Bailey Guns
11-05-2011, 08:26
That is the second gayest black dude I've ever seen. Antoine "hide yo wife" was the gayest. But at least Antoine was funny.
I don't miss that sort of person at all.
Microchip Implant Allows Islamic Terrorists to Speak to God.
The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead.
When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to God.
It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal.
The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required.
The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary.
Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it.
As one American General put it, "Ain't this Country Great" !!!!!!!!!
Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that was a well written Police report.
As one American General put it, "Ain't this Country Great" !!!!!!!!!
Augusta, GA
Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket.... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.
Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.
After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.
The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.
Now that was a well written Police report.
That. Is. AWESOME! [Beer]
GilpinGuy
05-14-2012, 15:31
Sitting together on a train were Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the shit out of Obama again!!
An illegal immigrant, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks....
"What can I get you Mr. President?"
awesome
GilpinGuy
05-25-2012, 21:45
Walking The Walk
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
GilpinGuy
05-25-2012, 22:48
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land!
Byte Stryke
05-26-2012, 06:56
Walking The Walk
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
Pure win
more true than funny
hghclsswhitetrsh
05-26-2012, 08:16
Pure win
more true than funny
Kind of ironic like the people who have the "respect life" license plates but drive like a bat out of hell. Or the "committed to a cure" for breast cancer and they're puffing on a 6 inch pall mall cigarette.
Question of the day:
If Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi were drowning and you could only save one, would you go get lunch or read a book? [Tooth]
patrick0685
06-06-2012, 15:39
Question of the day:
If Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi were drowning and you could only save one, would you go get lunch or read a book? [Tooth]
The answer is obvious, you have to stay and read a book, how else will stop anyone else from saving them
The answer is obvious, you have to stay and read a book, how else will stop anyone else from saving them
I'm not sure that many of us can read books.. but we'd all be there to support you patrick!
patrick0685
06-06-2012, 16:48
I'm not sure that many of us can read books.. but we'd all be there to support you patrick!
true...i believe it should be edited to "read the forum"
GilpinGuy
06-19-2012, 23:57
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
> After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive..
>
> "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to
> 10."
>
> The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
>
> "Trust me," said the doctor.
>
> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
>
> He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>
> '1'
>
> '2'
>
> '3'
>
> '4'
>
> '5'
>
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>
> This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Oklahoma, Arkansas , Mississippi , and parts of Georgia , Missouri , and West Virginia and..........Texas....and
>
>
>
> ALL of Washington DC .
Teufelhund
06-23-2012, 22:03
> ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
>
>> From JOHN CLEESE
>
> The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in
> Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
> "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
> "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
> Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
> Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
> Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
> warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
>
> The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
> get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the
> reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
> the last 300 years.
>
> The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
> terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
> France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by
> a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
> paralyzing the country's military capability.
>
> Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
> to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
> "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
>
> The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
> Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
> have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
>
> Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
> threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
>
> The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
> deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
> Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
>
> Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
> to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
> "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
> "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use
> of the last final escalation level.
>
> Regards,
>
> John Cleese,
>
> British writer, actor and tall person
>
> And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are
> getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
>
Guy in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks,
"Have you got a pen?"
She looks up, smiles and says;
"Yes I do"
"Well" he says;
"You'd better hurry back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".
Guy in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks,
"Have you got a pen?"
She looks up, smiles and says;
"Yes I do"
"Well" he says;
"You'd better hurry back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".
[ROFL1]Mean, but oh so funny! That's terrible! [LOL]
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Colorado
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
jerrymrc
06-29-2012, 15:21
Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'
Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.
The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. 'Logic?' Larry says. 'What's that?'
The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
'Yeah.'
'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'
'That's true, I do have a yard.'
'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'
'Yes, I do have a house.'
'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'
'Yes, I have a family.
'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'
'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'
Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
'Logic?' Doug says, 'What's that?'
Larry says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'
'No.'
'Then you're a queer.[Coffee]
^^^^
I don't care who ya are, that's funny!
whiskeyjack
07-01-2012, 09:46
It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans, and has a job.
It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
It's important to have a woman you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
It's important to have a woman who's good in bed, and who likes to be with you.
And, it is perhaps the most important that these four women do not know each other.
whiskeyjack
07-01-2012, 09:49
A train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
whiskeyjack
07-01-2012, 10:00
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
“These tasers are well worth the money.”
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasonsA. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U..
Q. What is the fibula?A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. )
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
If a lesbian cockblocks another lesbian wouldn't it be considered a beaver dam?
Zundfolge
07-12-2012, 10:29
I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us
and she immediately dropped to her knees
and laid on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought
“These tasers are well worth the money.”
See! Daniel Tosh is right ... sometimes rape jokes CAN be funny [ROFL1]
See! Daniel Tosh is right ... sometimes rape jokes CAN be funny [ROFL1]
LMAO, I am so going to hell for laughing at that one. hahahaha
theGinsue
07-19-2012, 11:53
How do you tell a Romney supporter from an Obama supporter?
Romney supporters sign their checks on the front;
Obama supporters sign them on the back.
Rucker61
07-20-2012, 13:15
TOP 10 REASONS WHY SOME MEN FAVOR HANDGUNS OVER WOMEN
10 - YOU CAN TRADE IN AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE
ON THE ROAD.
8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
...
6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase...
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Gonorrhea Lectim
One should be thinking about this seriously. I'm sharing this because I
know you are bright and I care about you. The Center for Disease Control
has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.
The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim." It's pronounced "Gonna
re-elect em" and it is a terrible Obamanation. The disease is contracted
through dangerous and high risk behavior involving putting your cranium up your rectum. Many victims contracted it in 2008. But now most people, after having been infected for the past 3 and 1/2 years, are starting to realize how destructive this sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called
Votemout. You take the first dose now and the second dose on November 6,
2012 and simply don't engage in such behavior again; otherwise, it could
become permanent and eventually wipe out all life as we know it.
Airport (TSA) Screening Results
January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
Craig's List
YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT
BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST.
For Sale : FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1.00
Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya.
Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii.
Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard.
Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.
It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the poop for amazing distances.
I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.
I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way.
I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country.
I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.
Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.
A crusty old Ranger found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Ranger for conversation.
"Excuse me, Ranger, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Ranger just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The old Ranger said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
RLTW!
Abbott and Costello Explain Obama's Accounting System...
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.
Teufelhund
08-17-2012, 21:47
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
hghclsswhitetrsh
08-17-2012, 22:06
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.
Effing awesome!
Walker2970
08-31-2012, 19:28
Daddy is a gay dancer
A fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up
- fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.
Little Justin, however, was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father,
he replied, "My
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all
his
clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in
his
underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home
with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and
took little
Justin aside. "Is that really true about your
father?"
"No," the boy said, "He works for
the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but
it's too
embarrassing to say that in front of the other
kids.
DSB OUTDOORS
08-31-2012, 19:31
Good joke. "Stuck On You Thread" Is the place for this. [Beer]
Sharpienads
08-31-2012, 19:33
Hahahaha, that's a good one!
But there is a jokes section under the "Stuck on you" topic.
Great-Kazoo
08-31-2012, 19:56
I think it's called GD.
Little Johnny has been replaces?
DSB OUTDOORS
08-31-2012, 20:20
Little Johnny has been replaces?
Little Jonny can not be replaced! [Coffee]
GilpinGuy
08-31-2012, 22:35
Awesome! [Beer]
Little Johnny has been replaces?
Little Justin is what gay dad's name their kids.
[ROFL1] WINNER!!!! [Beer]
GilpinGuy
09-19-2012, 23:47
One day in the future, Barack Obama had a heart attack and died.
He immediately went to hell, where the devil was waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I
don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton,
lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
theGinsue
09-22-2012, 13:16
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
“I'd like to be eight again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror ..
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Ain't that the truth.
DSB OUTDOORS
09-22-2012, 14:37
Ain't that the truth.
[ROFL1] Thats going to be you soon Irving!
Good one Thomas!! [Coffee]
Whistler
09-22-2012, 17:20
How true. [ROFL2]
henpecked
02-08-2013, 11:06
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It’s women that make it hard
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don’t be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn’t like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs in the
warm-up room before a doubles match.
"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.
http://cdn.cnwimg.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/serena-williams-1024x798.jpg
"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts
of my body that have never had hair before!"
"Shit ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.3 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.