Fearing the dreaded "no more driving" talk with elderly parents

[DenverLEO]

Meh

[ray1970]

We hid my grandmother's car keys. When she couldn't find them she would call. When we went over to her house to "help her find her keys" and just couldn't find them we would offer to take her where she needed to go.

[Awesom]

[ray1970]

After a while she got to where she liked being chauffeured around and would just call us for a ride. [Coffee]

[rondog]

My mother slipped into dementia so fast it wasn't an issue with her, and dad was fine with his driving until he suddenly died on the operating table during a routine angioplasty.

But I have a 34 y.o. stepdaughter that there's no fucking way I'd get in a vehicle with her driving. I can't stand the bitch to begin with, but when driving she's just plain stupid. Lucky as hell though, she's so damn crazy that nobody wants her in their jail, so they never arrest her. She crashed a borrowed pickup into a cop car, with no license, no proof of insurance or registration, the owner wasn't with her, and a heroin dealer in the truck with her that took off running, and the damn cops let her go! Guess they smelled some awful paperwork coming and just sent her away.

But "the talk"? I have no advice for you my friend, and don't envy you having to do it.

[Great-Kazoo]

The Dr. told our mother NO Driving. My old man hasn't driven in 40 years.

[GilpinGuy]

Man, I don't envy your position.

Remember that scene in Gran Torino when Walt's son and daughter in law tried to get him to go to a "retirement community" and they gave him shit like the phone with GIANT numbers on it and the grabber thingy to reach stuff on high shelves? This reminds me of that. Not fun.

[Clint45]

If they are a hazard and should not be driving, disconnect the battery so their car won't start. They may agree that they should not drive, but forget or disregard the conversation a few days later. Talk them into selling their car.

[Aloha_Shooter]

Haven't had to address this with my mother as she's still capable but we had the issue with my grandmother. It became easier to forget to renew her insurance and keep reminding her that it's something "we need to do before you use it again" -- and oh yeah, when was the last time the oil was changed, what about the beltsm, oops the battery's dead. After a while of that, you can compare the costs of insurance and maintenance to taking a taxi for the few rare times the family is unable to chaffeur her.

[Ronin13]

DenverLEO, I'm in the same boat as you, I loathe being a passenger in a car- I get nervous with other people driving, call me a control freak or what have you, but I usually drive because I trust myself and not many other people behind the wheel. As for the elderly parents, we had this happen earlier this year, my grandpa (87) went to get his eyes checked and he failed the eye exam, no more DL for him... Grandma is a little better right now, but after last winter when she had her first "elderly driving moment" (intended to hit the brake, hit the gas instead and crashed into the side of our office building) we're worried her time behind the wheel is coming to an end soon...

[rockhound]

it is hard to give up your freedom, my parents are not quite to that age yet, luckily all of my grandparents were smart enough to recognize their need to stop driving on their own.

My grandfather on my moms side mentioned he was going to stop driving when he turned 80 in a few weeks, he had always been a safe driver and i questioned whether it was necessary, I had not ridden with him in a few years, about a week later we were heading north on US 95 in Palm beach on the way to the grocery store, (3 lanes north, 3 lanes south and a turn lane) He stopped my dad's sedan in the middle lane of the north bound lanes to make a left hand turn across 5 lanes of traffic. I just about lost it, how we didn't get creamed I don't know. Believe me I drove home. He gave up his driving the next day.

[BPTactical]

We had to have "the talk" with my dad. They live on the western slope and he would forget where he was going, where he had been and even forgot why a LE had pulled him over.
We explained to him that we were concerned that he may get misguided as far as his directions and end up in the middle of the adobe hills. We also told him that not everybody out there is a nice and caring soul and would help him if he needed itand some folks just have ill intent.
That seemed to sink in and although it was tough on him at first he now jokes about "Miss Daisy" driving him around.
It is tough to do and yes, it will hurt their feelings but you have to stand firm and stress the point of it being out of concern for them, because you love them and don't want to see any harm come to them.
Best O luck

[SAnd]

Check with their local driver licensing system. Some states have it set up to where you can ask them to be tested. Their insurance agent, or your agent, might have advice on how to deal with the situation. The insurance agent have a training course for older people that would help them know it's time to quit.

If they do internet stuff you might send them some links to videos showing older drivers and accidents.

You could appeal to their attachment to the family. Tell them how bad the family will feel when they get hurt in an accident.

It will help if you could research or arrange alternate transportation. A lot of it can be a fear of not having any way to get food, or to the store, or to church. They are losing their freedom. Find ways to help them get around so you can show them they aren't losing the freedom as much as changing the way they are doing things.

Don't give up. You're helping others, not just your parents.