View Full Version : Advice from stepdads...
Serious replies only please - this is something I'm honestly concerned about...
Brief synopsis: After 8 years of wild partying, gleefully whoring around (my life could've been the best letter to Penthouse ever, if anybody would believe it... lol) , and general irresponsible behavior, I came across what I believe to be is as close to a perfect woman for me as ever walked the earth. So I did the only sensible thing, and married her. Been together for two years. Only thing is, she came with three kids - and I can't stand kids in general. (I was up front about this from the beginning...) There's a 14 y/o girl, an 11 y/o boy, and a 7 y/o boy. We've all kind of slowly fell into a fairly congenial relationship, minor squabbles aside. And the kids honestly are pretty good kids - no monsters in the bunch.
I've always been a carefree, live life to the hilt, experience junkie. So adjusting to suburban predictability, stepfatherhood, and being the sole breadwinner (wife's going thru school, and attempting her utmost best to work at the same time, but not bringing in any money to speak of.) is kind of a shock to my system. I find that I'm turning into a functional alcoholic, and while I don't have an addictive personality, I am finding it difficult to interact with any of the kids nicely without being loaded. I had kind of a sobering shock the other night when I realized that I'd been crabby and snappish all evening after picking up the kids, and the 14 y/o said "You need a drink, don't you? Want me to make you your usual?" It was a cute attempt at trying to get me in a better mood, but I felt like a real shitheel. I'm afraid of turning into the stereotypical stepdad who's a cranky drunk, resentful of raising somebody else's kids. I DO NOT want that. I want to be somebody they can look back on in later years, and say that I did right by them - and maybe helped instill some strong character traits.
Anybody else out there in a similar situation? I need some advice on how to move from the point where I'm just irritated by all the added responsibility, and into something where I can derive enjoyment from being a family man. I don't believe in divorce, btw - I'm in this for life, so I need to figure out the best way to change my own attitude about it, since the situation isn't going to change. I pray about it frequently, but I need some practical advice from somebody who's been there.
Thanks!
Colorado_Outback
12-07-2012, 16:57
When life got too tough for me to handle with out substances, I went to see a professional therapist. Its not cheep but it really helped me put things in perspective.
Its really weird how that person can ask you a question or throw a hypothetical at you and your whole view changes.
YMMV but it worked for me.
JM Ver. 2.0
12-07-2012, 16:58
Simple answer? Quit drinking.
Long Answer: No one can answer any of this but you. You need to get professional help for your drinking problem before you even attempt to tackle the stepfather issues.
Solving one without solving the other will only cause you more trouble. You need to get the drinking issue cleared up BEFORE you deal with the kid issue. Without doing it that way, any progress you make will just be overshadowed by the alcohol.
Good luck.
StagLefty
12-07-2012, 17:03
I won't tell you what to do because alcoholics rebel at that. I was a functional alcoholic for most of my life until my son was born. I went cold turkey on booze and cigarettes and never looked back. I didn't want my kid to have to deal with a drunken dad,plain and simple. You need to do a little soul searching and do what's best for you and the family. Meanwhile because I've been there you'll get a mention in my prayers. GL
I am not a stepdad, but I had several of them growing up. The one that lasted the longest also had the biggest impact on my life. He was a german emigrant that served multiple tours as a marine in Vietnam with two Purple Hearts. I can tell you the greatest thing he ever did for me was to teach me. He taught me about everything. Some of the lessons were hard because he wouldn't put up with any crap from a snot nosed kid, but now that I am older those are the ones that make me who I am today. He not only taught me about being a responsible respectful human being, he taught me why someone should be their best. He taught me to rebuild engines. Taught me how to shoot. Taught me how to treat a woman. Basically taught me what I needed to know. He taught me all this because it is what he liked and we were able to connect through the lessons.
Find the things you are passionate about and see if you can get them interested in the same things.
The kids know you are not their dad, but if you help them be successful in life they will never forget it.
I'm a stepdad who hates kids so I feel you. Although I only have one (13 yr girl) I know you know how that is x3. Ill be honest... I hated kids and I still hate kids. There are days I even hate her and can't stand or want to talk to her. But the one thing I have to remember is that I chose this... She did not so I cannot take it out on her. It hasn't gotten any easier for me in the past 6 years I've been in her life but I try to constantly remember this. I put a lot into hobbies and make sure I have alone time as well as time with her without my wife to try and develop a sort of relationship with her. I personally don't drink so I am not helpful on that part I'm sorry. If you need to vent or something just pm me.
have you though about this? http://www.ar-15.co/threads/73927-Start-them-early-(kids-and-guns-thread) try to find something you can do with each one individually.
When life got too tough for me to handle with out substances, I went to see a professional therapist. Its not cheep but it really helped me put things in perspective.
Its really weird how that person can ask you a question or throw a hypothetical at you and your whole view changes.
YMMV but it worked for me.
This.. I commend both of you for recognizing the problem. There is no shame in fixing something that needs to be fixed. A happy family is worth any price.
jhood001
12-07-2012, 17:33
From the wording and general tone of your post, it really sounds like those kids are cramping your style. Unfortunately, you didn't marry a woman. You married a family.
My parents split up when I was a year old. Both were remarried within 6 years. And while I don't look, behave, or think anything like my step-father, he always treated us us boys like we were 100% his own. Even at a young age, we picked up on that. It made things smoother when he was trying to help raise two boys who were nothing like him. And years later it made us grateful for having him in our lives.
You got to choose to have those kids when you married your wife. They didn't get to choose you. Try to remember that.
Best of luck to you.
As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.
If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.
Great-Kazoo
12-07-2012, 17:54
As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.
If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.
+100%. If you are unable to function w/out alcohol, you are the last one to admit you have a problem. Enough of the lecture from me,the next step (the longest) is up to you.
Aloha_Shooter
12-07-2012, 18:05
You've already taken the first step in realizing that a problem was brewing. I generally find honesty is the best policy, especially when you're dealing with young adults who have gone past the point where you could snow them. Is there something all four of you (forget the wife for the moment) enjoy? Whether it's movies, cheeseburgers or shooting? If so, take them out and before you get started, open that barn door. Tell them straight up that you don't want to be that stereotypical crazy stepfather but you love their mother and want to make a go of it. Let them know you have been having trouble adjusting to being a stepfather but you know it and you want their help. The fact the 14 year old was trying to get you in a better mood tells me they don't hate you so they may be happy to help you adjust.
Kids aren't stupid, don't treat them as if they were.
BushMasterBoy
12-07-2012, 18:11
You are compensating for the added stress with alcohol. You used to be a kid once...go back to being a kid! Plus the money you save from NOT purchasing alcohol, can buy you a really nice AR. Or a Harley...
I am the son of a chain smoking alcoholic who is now deceased.
This I have 3 step kids and agree with this 100% It is hard sometimes but you signed uo for it buckle down and take care of business.
As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.
If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.
I really think you have two problems but by solving one (alcoholism) you will have a huge step forward with the other.
As a former step-kid and someone who never wants children for reasons previously discussed.. I can tell you this. The kids know you don't like them. You have no idea how much that is fucking with them. The mom, and you are both selfish pricks. You covering your guilt with alcohol is pathetic. You think the kid making a comment about you needing a drink was in jest? Get a clue. Get into a group, get over your need for booze to 'cope' with life. I've never dated a girl with kids, never slept with one.. and I've been called an asshole and selfish for it..but I'm not willing to go that route just to get my dick wet. You don't believe in divorce? Or you just think that would mean you failed? YOU ARE FAILING NOW IN THE EYES OF THOSE KIDS! I promise you your wife feels the stress.. and maybe she is just waiting till she's in a better spot before she serves you with papers for the sake of the kids but don't think for a second she loves you for what you are now. Get your shit together. Get into a program.
I have no sympathy for your drinking. I do have sympathy for the kids. You married into it.. you chose to be in their life and you've done nothing to better it. Be a man, and be an example. Not a statistic. I don't care if you're the reason they have a roof over their head.
I'm not trying to be harsh or a dick (I'm just this way) but I don't sugar coat things. I work with an alcoholic. I can't stand it. You're not functional in the least.. that is an excuse you people tell yourselves. We've tried to help the one at work, but unless you WANT HELP AND ARE WILLING TO PUT FORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT don't waste the time of anyone else for a pity party.
Back to the kids.. They're smarter than you think and they see you for what you are. It will eventually tear the family apart.
Byte Stryke
12-07-2012, 20:20
As a former step-kid and someone who never wants children for reasons previously discussed.. I can tell you this. The kids know you don't like them. You have no idea how much that is fucking with them. The mom, and you are both selfish pricks. You covering your guilt with alcohol is pathetic. You think the kid making a comment about you needing a drink was in jest? Get a clue. Get into a group, get over your need for booze to 'cope' with life. I've never dated a girl with kids, never slept with one.. and I've been called an asshole and selfish for it..but I'm not willing to go that route just to get my dick wet. You don't believe in divorce? Or you just think that would mean you failed? YOU ARE FAILING NOW IN THE EYES OF THOSE KIDS! I promise you your wife feels the stress.. and maybe she is just waiting till she's in a better spot before she serves you with papers for the sake of the kids but don't think for a second she loves you for what you are now. Get your shit together. Get into a program.
I have no sympathy for your drinking. I do have sympathy for the kids. You married into it.. you chose to be in their life and you've done nothing to better it. Be a man, and be an example. Not a statistic. I don't care if you're the reason they have a roof over their head.
I'm not trying to be harsh or a dick (I'm just this way) but I don't sugar coat things. I work with an alcoholic. I can't stand it. You're not functional in the least.. that is an excuse you people tell yourselves. We've tried to help the one at work, but unless you WANT HELP AND ARE WILLING TO PUT FORTH THE FUCKING EFFORT don't waste the time of anyone else for a pity party.
Back to the kids.. They're smarter than you think and they see you for what you are. It will eventually tear the family apart.
And that, sir, is the naked and unvarnished truth.
trlcavscout
12-07-2012, 21:05
I grew up being a step kid and agree with most of what has been said. You dont have to love them as your own, but they deserve at least a friend out of you. My grandpa, who was my moms step dad was a hell of a man (WW2 vet) and I can tell you he was missed much more then my grandma and real grandpa. He always had time for his step kids and step grand kids. I know what its like to have a step dad thats only there to have a steady piece of ass and not care about anything else.
Definitley fix the alcohol first, and you dont have to be their dad just their friend, make them feel welcome! With mom not bringing in money they are probably constantly worried about being thrown out on the street, worried about your drinking and attitude, its no way for a kid to live, I KNOW.
I've been a step dad for 18 years.
In your post you said you pray about it frequently.
Who are you praying to? Do you have a saving relationship with Jesus?
The reason I'm asking is that decision was all the difference in my life and my relationship with my wife and stepson.
I just got into the stepdad thing myself,the thing is for me they helped me beat my alchoholisim,well put me on the right path anyways.Been sober 5 years because of them.
It definitly isn't easy and it was a shock to me as well but it is a learning experiance,for all as we go along.
If you ever want to talk just shoot me a pm.I'm by no means an expert,but I believe I have a bit of experience ;)
The reason you are pissy is because you are trying to work the responsibilities of children into your previous life style. Things don't go the way you expect, so you get bitchy. Stop kidding yourself and realize that your old life is GONE. You shouldn't be sad about it, because your old life was probably not nearly as cool as you thought it was. Once you realize what your future consists of, and start planning and participating things for ALL of your family, then you will be less pissy. You can't be single and have kids and a wife at the same time. Stop kidding yourself and make the move into the reality YOU created.
Ok, 3 things here.
First, the alcohol. Get help. Things are never better when alcohol is involved.
Second, Issue between you and the kids. Get counceling. You signed on for this and knew what you were dealing with before hand. AND remember...attitude is a choice. You can *choose* to be grumpy or you can choose to not be grumpy.
Third, it sounds like you are feeling that they (the kids) are cramping your style. Again that is a *choice* and it is based on your view of the cituation. Choose to look at things differently. Get the kids involved in your activities. Use them as an excuse to go do fun things. Go camping as a family event. Take everyone to play paintball. Take everyone to go shooting. Take everyone to waterworld. Take everyone on a cheep trip to the Grand Canyon. Start making life about haveing family fun and less about you being restricted.
Serious replies only please - this is something I'm honestly concerned about...
Brief synopsis: After 8 years of wild partying, gleefully whoring around and general irresponsible behavior...
blah blah blah
Only thing is, she came with three kids - and I can't stand kids in general...
blah blah blah
I've always been a carefree, live life to the hilt, experience junkie. So adjusting to suburban predictability, stepfatherhood, and being the sole breadwinner (wife's going thru school, and attempting her utmost best to work at the same time, but not bringing in any money to speak of.) is kind of a shock to my system. I find that I'm turning into a functional alcoholic...
blah blah blah
I am finding it difficult to interact with any of the kids nicely without being loaded. . .
blah blah blah
since the situation isn't going to change. I pray about it frequently. . .
Alright. Here goes: Your wife and her kids deserve better than you.
In your favor, you seem to recognize that you've been acting like a selfish prick and are making noises to the effect that you don't want your kids to hate you later in life and want to do right by them. I don't think you really mean it. I think you want to be congratulated and told that everything will be fine, and when things turn to shit you're going to bail on your responsibility because you're too immature to do the family thing. I think you want to occasionally lie to your wife so you can go out and blow off steam having "fun" when the pressure of being a responsible adult gets too overwhelming for you . . . then you can blame your behavior on her and her kids and pray for forgiveness.
Grow the fuck up and be a man.
It really sounds like you resent your wife and her kids, since they're interfering with your "carefree" lifestyle of booze and whores and are spending all your money. Go back and re-read what I pulled from your post and listen to how it makes you sound.
My Dad was an alcoholic who hated and resented me 6 days out of the week, and on the 7th day would feel bad about it and try to "make amends." I hated his fucking guts and enlisted in the Army at 17 to put as much distance between us as possible.
I ended up marrying a lady who had a kid from a prior marriage. He was 8 when I met her and willful and spoiled. I raised him as my own and treated him the way I would've wanted to been treated. Now he works in law enforcement in NY and we're still best friends.
I used to drink too. On occasion it started to become a problem. I quit three times before I got to the point that I no longer felt I "needed" a drink to deal with my feelings. If you "need" to drink, that is a clear sign it's time to quit.
Good luck to you in your attempt to be a man and do the right thing. I hope you're up to it.
eadgbe194
12-08-2012, 08:50
Dingo, lots of solid advice in this thread. I hope you take some of it. I don't have anything to add that already hasn't been said other than to recomend you read the book "smart stepfamily" by Ron Deal. It helped my stepfamily and my marriage a lot.
buffalobo
12-08-2012, 09:28
My parents divorced when I was ten and both remarried a couple years later. My step dad turned out to be the best example of a man and a dad I have ever seen. We had a little trouble at first but my grandpa(my dads dad) gave me some good advice. He said that I did not have to like my step dad but I did have to respect him and my mom. Told me as long as he treated me well and I gave him the respect he earned and deserved, things would get better and turn out well. I listened and realized it was harder for my step dad than it was for me. We both tried and have been very close for over 30 yrs.
I was much like dingo when I met and fell in love with my wife. Even delayed thoughts of marriage due to her three kids who were teenagers and a handful. We finally married and when I hit tough patches with the kids I have always gone back to that advice of mutual respect and it has helped me to develop long lasting relationships with all the kids. They have each come to me and thanked me for being the dad that their biological dad never was.
You get straight in your own head and go be the dad they deserve and your wife deserves. It ain't about you, you gave up "you" when you married "them". It sure as hell ain't easy, but it is what you took on. Success will give you the greatest satisfaction you have known. It certainly has been for me.
Robby30-06
12-08-2012, 10:49
When I became a stepdad, my stepson became mine....100%. That's the only way to do it. I did drink alot through his childhood, not to cope with him, I just drank too much. Now that he is older I realize the things I failed to do with and teach him. He struggles as he enters the real world and it makes me feel like shit to know I coulda taught him more if I wasn't so fucked up.
Straighten up or get out of their lives.....you owe them that much!!
I question your wife too for taking you after your admittance of not being a kid guy.
Best of luck to you and your family (that IS what you have now).
rockhound
12-08-2012, 12:12
As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.
If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.
this ^^^^^^^^^
i am not a step dad, i have four of my own and plan to be around to raise them myself.
i was however raised by a stepdad because my own wasn't around, not that i blame him completely,
you chose it, you knew what you were getting into before hand,
I spent plenty of my days drinking and raising hell when i was younger, time to grow up and become a role model. you don't have the right to come in and make their lives worse. you took on the job now own it and do the job.
my stepdad and i had plenty of fights and i did not like even like him at the time. i have come to realize, now that he is gone, that although we did not get along at least he was willing to try and be a dad. his misguided attempts to discipline were more than my dad did for me.
put down the beer and start doing the right thing. my kids have seen me drink a beer or margarita, they have never seen me drunk.
As a guy who has helped raise two step kids, my serious advice for you is to man-up and start being a good example for these kids. It's not their fault their real dad isn't around to raise them right. You knew she had kids before you decided to commit to the relationship. Drinking in front of the kids is not the example you want to set for them. Even if you don't like the little buggers, I would assume you like their mother enough to do her the favor of being a good role model to her kids of what a real man should be like.
If you can't do that, my serious advice to you is to move on and let someone else step in that can do the right thing.
Exactly! You married a family. Accept the responsibility. Another thing.....you constantly refer to them as someone else's kids or her kids. If you're serious about this, start thinking of them as YOUR kids. Mean it and love them. Sounds like mom did a good job and they are good kids. Now do your part. Good luck with your decision.
Teufelhund
12-08-2012, 15:05
Jeez. Hopefully you anticipated some of the emotionally-charged responses to this subject and don't take it too personally. I don't have any relevant experience and you've certainly been chastised enough, so I'll keep it succinct. To quote the late, great Shannon Hoon: "When life is hard, you have to change." Good luck.
Eh, I expected this would touch off a few tempers based on people's own upbringings. I've got thick skin - I respect honesty more than anything else, so I'm not resentful. I think some of it was good for me to hear. I may not be a full-blown, can't-live-without-booze alcoholic, but I realized after that incident with the kid offering me a drink, that it's pathetic to use alcohol as a crutch like I do. Maybe I should elaborate a bit on my original post - it's true, I can't stand kids of any age, but I don't feel that way about these three. Even though I was still in a frat-boy mentality when I married her, I made a promise to her and to myself that I would never make the kids feel unwanted, or like they were somehow "getting in the way". I didn't want to drive a wedge between her and them. And she did do a damn good job of raising them, in my opinion. I think all things considered, I have a pretty good relationship with them. The elder two are from a different dad, and they've attached themselves to me early on. I help them with homework, play catch, hound them about chores, explain/debate news stories, take the boy shooting (yes, sober... don't everybody all freak out at once), and am getting a jumpstart on driving with the 14 y/o (again... yes, sober). All the typical stuff. The younger one has a dad that's still very active in his life, and pretty much is indifferent toward me.
I'm not a strict disciplinarian (except that they show me, their mom, and each other respect in all situations), and I've told them that basically all I expect is that they follow the same rules that their mom has established, even when it's only me around. My only cardinal rules are to be quiet when I'm sleeping (I work weekend nights), and to stay out of my man cave (except on special occasions where we order pizza and play pool). My failing isn't in my relationship with them - it's in my current poor example as a role model. I've already made the decision to stop drinking this coming week. That part won't be particularly difficult for me - like I said, I don't have an addictive personality. My struggle is that while I know that I have a new role to fill now, the old life is hard not to miss a lot of the time. I know what I'm like when I get around other women and start drinking, so I've self-limited my social contact to hanging out with my brothers. So essentially with her in school, I've become Dad, Mom, chef, principal, maid, and butler. And adding the financial stress in on top of that, it's hard not to look back on the carefree days with some longing. When the resentment and irritation builds, alcohol has been an immediate fix. It's just gotten out of hand. Without that, I'm going to need something that helps me get in the mindset of enjoying being all those things.
I already have an active relationship with them, and do things that a "normal" dad would. What I'm looking for advice on, is how some of the "successful" stepdads out there have mentally made the transition into deriving enjoyment from the situation, and for lack of a better term, "growing up". While I appreciate that lots of folks out there had stepdads that sucked, telling me to "just do it" is not helpful. If it were that simple, I would have done it already. And to answer a previous poster, yes, I am a Christian, albeit a checkered example as my previous post showed. That's simultaneously where I believe my conviction on becoming a good role model is coming from, and also where I'm going to have to draw strength and inspiration from as I struggle to acheive that.
As much as I hate to say this, but if you have ask "how do I grow up " you aren't ready yet.
JM Ver. 2.0
12-08-2012, 18:21
Eh, I expected this would touch off a few tempers based on people's own upbringings. I've got thick skin - I respect honesty more than anything else, so I'm not resentful. I think some of it was good for me to hear. I may not be a full-blown, can't-live-without-booze alcoholic, but I realized after that incident with the kid offering me a drink, that it's pathetic to use alcohol as a crutch like I do. Maybe I should elaborate a bit on my original post - it's true, I can't stand kids of any age, but I don't feel that way about these three. Even though I was still in a frat-boy mentality when I married her, I made a promise to her and to myself that I would never make the kids feel unwanted, or like they were somehow "getting in the way". I didn't want to drive a wedge between her and them. And she did do a damn good job of raising them, in my opinion. I think all things considered, I have a pretty good relationship with them. The elder two are from a different dad, and they've attached themselves to me early on. I help them with homework, play catch, hound them about chores, explain/debate news stories, take the boy shooting (yes, sober... don't everybody all freak out at once), and am getting a jumpstart on driving with the 14 y/o (again... yes, sober). All the typical stuff. The younger one has a dad that's still very active in his life, and pretty much is indifferent toward me.
I'm not a strict disciplinarian (except that they show me, their mom, and each other respect in all situations), and I've told them that basically all I expect is that they follow the same rules that their mom has established, even when it's only me around. My only cardinal rules are to be quiet when I'm sleeping (I work weekend nights), and to stay out of my man cave (except on special occasions where we order pizza and play pool). My failing isn't in my relationship with them - it's in my current poor example as a role model. I've already made the decision to stop drinking this coming week. That part won't be particularly difficult for me - like I said, I don't have an addictive personality. My struggle is that while I know that I have a new role to fill now, the old life is hard not to miss a lot of the time. I know what I'm like when I get around other women and start drinking, so I've self-limited my social contact to hanging out with my brothers. So essentially with her in school, I've become Dad, Mom, chef, principal, maid, and butler. And adding the financial stress in on top of that, it's hard not to look back on the carefree days with some longing. When the resentment and irritation builds, alcohol has been an immediate fix. It's just gotten out of hand. Without that, I'm going to need something that helps me get in the mindset of enjoying being all those things.
I already have an active relationship with them, and do things that a "normal" dad would. What I'm looking for advice on, is how some of the "successful" stepdads out there have mentally made the transition into deriving enjoyment from the situation, and for lack of a better term, "growing up". While I appreciate that lots of folks out there had stepdads that sucked, telling me to "just do it" is not helpful. If it were that simple, I would have done it already. And to answer a previous poster, yes, I am a Christian, albeit a checkered example as my previous post showed. That's simultaneously where I believe my conviction on becoming a good role model is coming from, and also where I'm going to have to draw strength and inspiration from as I struggle to acheive that.
Read the common theam from all the comments in here...
I'll make it easy...
STOP DRINKING!
You wont be able to do ANYTHING until that point. So again... Just so you don't miss it or just skim over it like you did in your last post...
STOP DRINKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone has told you that's what you need to do.
And the way you get enjoyment out of being a father figure and a husband... Is BY ENJOYING IT.
You can't force yourself to enjoy something. You either like it or you don't.
I used to cruise dating websites just to find the lonely girl that would jump in bed with the first guy that showed interest. Sleeping around, gambling, staying out late... It was all fun and games.
Now, I have a wonderful girlfriend that I love and care for. I don't even miss the gambling and sleeping around anymore. I enjoy being with her. I didn't force myself to. It just happened.
You gotta do the same thing. Quit longing for something that's never going to come back. Move on and enjoy what you have.
You take for granted something so many others wish they could have. A Family. Knock your shit off and quit drinking. The drinking is the biggest cause of your issues. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..... What did we learn?
QUIT FRICKIN' DRINKING!!!!!
Whistler
12-08-2012, 18:32
Involve yourself in their extracurricular activities, push them some to go out for some things they wouldn't try w/o your help but not if you're not going to go 110%. Help them stretch by stretching yourself, builds character. Sounds like too much time on your hands to miss the "good old days", after a bit the "good old days" won't seem so good, just old. Turn that pent up energy to tree houses, zip lines, go-karts and be patient, sometimes it's ten years before you see the result but damn it's worth every second. "I made that" - easy to be a father, tough to be a Dad, step up.
Edit: should have said I have three beautiful step-daughters, going to visit them and seven grandbabies for Christmas. Yeah it's worth it.
Dude, it really is as simple as "just do it". Just seems to me you're focusing on yourself much more than on the family. You just need to decide who & what you want to be and stay or move on. Choices....decisions....and consequences. They are all yours. Good luck.
BushMasterBoy
12-08-2012, 18:44
Hey pot is legal now! Whatever helps you sleep!
http://meetings.intherooms.com/meetings/search?latitude=39.372385&longitude=-104.859717&proximity=100
If you realy want to do this right sit in on one.
Choice is yours.If you dont think its for you you can allways leave and stay the same.
Once many people kept telling me the same thing.I listened and made the choice I changed.And life is so much better.
If it walks like a duck,talks like a duck looks like a duck-then it's a duck....
Good luck to you
Teufelhund
12-08-2012, 20:54
Christ, JM. Typically I can ignore your over-developed douchbaginess, but you crossed a line here. There's no reason to be that big of an asshole. Get ahold of yourself or just stfu.
Dingo, the problem you are having is that you are trying to fit this new life into your old life. You can't have both, you only get one life. This doesn't mean you are trading one for another, like a car or something. You tear down your old life, and build up your new life with your family. When you incorporate everything, and every one together, you get to build and enjoy what you WANT, instead of feeling like you need to settle for what you have. It's basically cognitive dissonance.
<MADDOG>
12-08-2012, 21:20
Christ, JM. Typically I can ignore your over-developed douchbaginess, but you crossed a line here. There's no reason to be that big of an asshole. Get ahold of yourself or just stfu.
I believe the OP asked for opinions, and JM gave his, as did you. That being said, it is an opinion, and your statement of JM's "douchbaginess" is the same. The OP can come to his own conclusion on JM's statement, which, by the way, echoes quite a few others in here.
Bottom line: don't frag someone else's opinion if it is asked for, and IMO, you crossed the line.
Teufelhund
12-08-2012, 22:12
I believe the OP asked for opinions, and JM gave his, as did you. That being said, it is an opinion, and your statement of JM's "douchbaginess" is the same. The OP can come to his own conclusion on JM's statement, which, by the way, echoes quite a few others in here.
Bottom line: don't frag someone else's opinion if it is asked for, and IMO, you crossed the line.
The OP did not ask for opinions, he asked for advice. I actually agree with most of what JM said, but the way he said it is uncalled for. I seriously doubt the OP posted up in here expecting to be flamed by everyone for whom this subject hits close to home. It gets worse as the thread goes on, and has actually turned into a pissing match to see who can be the bigger asshole to the guy. JM wins.
BTW if someone is being a monstrous asshole, they deserve to be called out on it. Respecting someone's right to their own opinion does not preclude telling them how much of an asshole they are for having it.
<MADDOG>
12-08-2012, 22:21
ad·vice
[ad-vahys] Show IPA
noun
1.
an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.
And you're exactly right; in your calling JM an asshole, I am granted the right for calling you out based on what I stated above.
The OP has received many opinions based upon his request; however, I am quite sure the people that stated their opinions would more than willing to do the same to his face. Would you be willing to do the same to JM?
JM Ver. 2.0
12-08-2012, 22:33
The OP did not ask for opinions, he asked for advice. I actually agree with most of what JM said, but the way he said it is uncalled for. I seriously doubt the OP posted up in here expecting to be flamed by everyone for whom this subject hits close to home. It gets worse as the thread goes on, and has actually turned into a pissing match to see who can be the bigger asshole to the guy. JM wins.
BTW if someone is being a monstrous asshole, they deserve to be called out on it. Respecting someone's right to their own opinion does not preclude telling them how much of an asshole they are for having it.
No. It's not uncalled for. Why don't you walk a Fucking mile in my shoes and you'll understand why I'm acting the way I am.
These kids have a chance to have something I never did. Something I never will have. Something my brother and sister will never have. He's being selfish and pisses me the Fuck off.
You want us to sugar coat this shit. It's not something you can sugar coat.
One Shot
12-08-2012, 22:36
OP - Embrace the change. Kids can be cool. Do some bonding and try and show them something they dont know, they will think you're pretty cool. And obviously try and do it without a drink. I get along really well with my step daughter. Tonight we had a nerf gun fight for a bit then I got to watch the UFC fights. Sure i'd like to be at the strip club with the boys or something but I took on the relationship and with that comes sacrifices. I will tell you that I didn't have as much stuff as I do now when I was going for Party Boy of the year. Make yourself happy, if you cant with the kids/wife then move on.
Teufelhund
12-08-2012, 22:54
Wow. If you don't understand the difference between an opinion and advise in the context of this thread, then I'm not going to waste time arguing it with you. Great job with the google-machine btw. And yes, I've never said anything here I wouldn't say directly to someone's face. You might whip my ass for it, but it wouldn't be the first time, and probably not the last.
Sorry for treading on people's daddy issues. Glad some of you found a sounding board for it and hope you feel a little better now that you've beat this guy into the ground over it. Have fun.
JM Ver. 2.0
12-09-2012, 00:41
Wow. If you don't understand the difference between an opinion and advise in the context of this thread, then I'm not going to waste time arguing it with you. Great job with the google-machine btw. And yes, I've never said anything here I wouldn't say directly to someone's face. You might whip my ass for it, but it wouldn't be the first time, and probably not the last.
Sorry for treading on people's daddy issues. Glad some of you found a sounding board for it and hope you feel a little better now that you've beat this guy into the ground over it. Have fun.
No one is going to whip anyone's ass. That's not a path one should take.
Good grief. I should have expected this given the usual conduct of what I see on the other threads. I ask for some advice and get a barrage of name-calling, emotionally-charged rhetoric, and a few thoughtful replies. I'm not going to join in a burdgeoning, immature flame war on the internet of all places. I'll thank the handful of useful replies I got, and respectfully stop checking this thread.
SA Friday
12-09-2012, 02:05
Good grief. I should have expected this given the usual conduct of what I see on the other threads. I ask for some advice and get a barrage of name-calling, emotionally-charged rhetoric, and a few thoughtful replies. I'm not going to join in a burdgeoning, immature flame war on the internet of all places. I'll thank the handful of useful replies I got, and respectfully stop checking this thread.
Relax. It's a charged topic. Ignore the overcharged emotional crazy-talk and take what you can get from the rest.
You went from being single to being a parent of at least one teenager virtually overnight. You are obviously not handling the change well, but you are seeing it now. It's simple, you have to get your head straight and that's not going to happen without outside help. You have to get some sort of professional counseling, and you have to incorporate getting dry into the counseling.
First and foremost, you have to stop thinking of the kids as step kids. They are YOUR kids, and the the word "step" needs to go away in your head. My daughter and oldest son were 3 and one and a half respectively when I married my wife. They are NOT my step-children. They are my children, and I am not their step-father. I'm a parent. Some on this site have met my daughter, and this actually might be a shock to them that she's actually not genetically mine. I introduce her as what she is, my daughter. This was easier for me as they were younger. Older kids, you have to introduce them by their name and just avoid the whole "step" title. It's an emotional disassociation every time you say something like this.
You have to understand parenting is only instinctual at a very basic level at birth. Everything else from then on... It's all learning how to deal with them. By the time someone is parenting 7-14 year old kids, there's years of established guidelines and patterns. You have NONE of that, and haven't handled the change well.
You have to get counseling involved now and get into AA. If this is too much to take on to make it work, then you need to walk away.
Funny how name calling is okay until it hits home. Not calling you out, just making an observation about the board.
Read some posts that I agree with, for better or worse. No easy answers but the answers are there.
Good luck.
Great-Kazoo
12-09-2012, 02:46
Good grief. I should have expected this given the usual conduct of what I see on the other threads. I ask for some advice and get a barrage of name-calling, emotionally-charged rhetoric, and a few thoughtful replies. I'm not going to join in a burdgeoning, immature flame war on the internet of all places. I'll thank the handful of useful replies I got, and respectfully stop checking this thread.
I'm not a strict disciplinarian (except that they show me, their mom, and each other respect in all situations)
Respect needs to be EARNED, being a drunk doesn't deserve anything. Understanding you have a drinking PROBLEM is the 1st step. Being man enough to continue working towards a better relationship with the kids, while shitcanning the FRAT mentality is the next.
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