View Full Version : Tasteless Jokes - put em up
buffalobo
01-22-2013, 18:38
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, �Yesterday."
The second joke in green had me and my wife cracking up.
GilpinGuy
01-22-2013, 18:43
There used to be a "Today's Funny" stickie, but it seems to have disappeared.....
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 18:59
You know how to get a Nun pregnant?
Fuck Her!!!
Want to have great sex with a Nun?
Dress her as an alter boy!
Know how to keep a gay man in suspense ?
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I”?
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back "You're in that basket up there".
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks "What is wrong"?
The boy says "Me Ma is dead".
"Oh bejaysus" the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you”?
The boy replies “No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment”.
blacklabel
01-22-2013, 19:01
Know how to keep a gay man in suspense ?
[ROFL2]
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 19:06
Difference between an Irish funeral and Wedding?
ONE LESS DRUNK!
What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth
EINSTEINS PENIS
Troublco
01-22-2013, 19:10
This lumberjack only gets to go into town once every 6 months.
So when his turn comes around, he goes to the local cathouse and asks for a room, a beer, and the roughest, toughest girl in the house.
The madam behind the counter says "Ok. Your room is #6, upstairs and to the right. I'll send the beer up with the girl."
"OK." says the lumberjack, who goes upstairs and takes a bath.
As he's coming out of the bathroom, the girl comes in with the beer.
She sets the beer on the table, takes off her clothes, and gets down on all fours.
The lumberjack says "No, not like that. I like it in bed, the old fashioned way!"
The girl says "OK. I just thought you might want to open your beer first...."
What do you call three blondes sitting in a row at a bar? Wind tunnel.
A man down on his luck goes into bar and sits for a few drinks, after an hour or so he asks the bartender, "Hey are there any...working...ladies around" and the bartender points one out sitting alone at a table. The man goes over and asks how much she would charge for a handie. She replies, "$500". "$500! that's outrageous!" the man replies, to which the woman grabs his hand and takes him to the front window and points out. "I give the best handjobs in New York, you see that Lamborghini? I bought that with money just from handjobs". The man a bit reluctant decides to take a chance and plops down the money. Sure enough, it is the best he's ever received. The next night he goes to the bar again and asks the rate of a blowjob. "$1000," replies the hooker. Again, the man is stunned and refuses but again the prostitute takes him to the window and points out. "See that apartment building, I own the whole thing....all from money I made giving blowjobs, I give the best in New York". Again the man intrigued forks over the money and sure enough it is the best he's ever had. The next night he decides to go to the bar again in search of the full deal. "Ok, you got me. You gave the best handjob and blowjob I've ever received, how much for everything?" The hooker walks him to the window and points out. "That's Manhattan, I'm not stupid I know you don't own that!" To which the hooker replies, "I would if I had a pussy"
DSB OUTDOORS
01-22-2013, 19:25
3 guy's are talking about how good their memory's are.
1st guy says, I remember the 1st words I ever spoke as a baby.
2nd guy says, that"s nothing. I remember this bright light, then the Dr. slapping me and nurses covering me.
3rd guy says, hell, I remember going to this picnic with my Dad, going down a slide and going home with my Mom!
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 20:08
I was going to tell a gay joke, but fuck it.
That reminds me.............................
I asked one of my clients many a moon ago. So if you don't mind, What's it like being gay?
He replies. Well.........................Sometimes it can be a pain in the ass!... True story, even though this is tasteless joke thread.
BushMasterBoy
01-22-2013, 20:12
When we were kids...we were so poor...we had to jerkoff the dog...to feed the cat!
Jeeze, I been around a long time and have heard a lot of jokes, but you guys are tough! I got nothin'.
TEAMRICO
01-22-2013, 20:27
Know how to keep a gay man in suspense ?
How?
Still waiting?
uhhhhhh Im asking for Scanker.........
TOP TEN REASONS MEN PREFER GUNS OVER WOMEN:
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.. #1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun.
Troublco
01-22-2013, 20:37
Why a beer is better than a woman -
1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation--it goes along happily.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
53. A beer doesn't bleed one week out of the month.
JMBD2112
01-22-2013, 20:50
What do you call a black man that flies?
A pilot you fucking racist!
One day JOe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’
His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.’
Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with urine and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noises and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. SOAK YOUR ARM IN WARM WATER. AVOID HEAVY LABOR. IT
WILL BE BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured in the sample in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
YOUR TAP WATER IS TOO HARD – GET A WATER SOFTENER.
YOUR DOG HAS WORMS – GIVE IT VITAMINS.
YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING COCAINE – PUT HER IN REHAB.
YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT, TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS – GET A LAWYER.
AND IF YOU DON’T STOP JERKING OFF, YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.
JMBD2112
01-22-2013, 20:51
Sorry one of my favorite jokes
Two deaf people get married and find out on their wedding night that they cannot communicate with the lights off, not being able to sign language or read lips.
"Honey," the woman signed to her new husband, "why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex then reach over and squeeze my right breast once."
The husband thinks about it for a moment then says, "Okay, but if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis once, but if you don't want to have sex with me reach over and pull on my penis 250 times!"
Guy vacationing in a border town near Mexico, stops in at a local bar. He's drinking by himself when he notices a jar full of paper money and coins at the end of the bar. He asks the bartender about it.
"Oh, it's just a contest me and the local folks cooked up for boredom. You pay in $20 and then you have to complete 3 difficult tasks. First, you must drink this entire bottle of rotgut tequila in less than ten minute, without vomiting. Secondly, there is a mangy, rabid, evil hound out back with an infected tooth. Take these pliers, and extract the tooth without getting bitten or injured. Lastly, there is a plain, middle-aged woman upstairs who has never known the touch of a man. You must give her such love that she cannot contain her cries of passion."
Guy thinks about it for a while as he continues to drink (building up courage with each shot.) Finally, he says,
"Fuck it - here's my twenty dollars. Gimme the bottle!"
He chugs the entire thing, worm and all, in 9 minutes flat. Retching slightly, and seeing triple, he grabs the pliers off of the bar and staggers out into the alleyway toward the dog. For the next 20 minutes, the most violent, horrible commotion is heard outside, as trash cans are knocked over, the dog howls and yips, the man curses, and can be heard shouting at the dog to "Hold still, dammit!" Finally, he staggers back into the bar and slumps over on the counter. He lets out a thunderous belch, and blearily stares at the bartender as he says,
"Ok... I took care of the dog. Now where's this gal with a bad tooth?"
How does one get 10 dead cats in a bucket?
With a blender.
How do you get them back out?
Corn chips.
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his sister. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my sister after only five beers!"
______________________________________________
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
______________________________________________
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
_____________________________________________
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __
My wife just came in and said,
"I don't know if I am coming or going.
"I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
__________________________________________________ __
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from cuming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .
__________________________________________________ _____________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor orphans. I said, "Fuck that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"
__________________________________________________ __
What's the difference between an illegal and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars", she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?", asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry", says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, till ya shined that light in her face."
Difference between a canoe and a Jew?
The canoe tips.
Cum on guys, gay jokes are not funny............
FIFY
Biggest lie a New Mexican cowboy ever told to a Colorado cowboy, "I was just pushing that sheep over the fence"
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 22:41
What's the last thing you ever want to here when making love to a woman?
HONEY I'M HOME!
SO I'm fuckin this guy in the ass the other night. I see he's getting in to it and i go to give him a reach around.
he slaps my hand away and screams . WHAT ARE U SOME KIND OF FAG??
I heard Lorena Bobbit was in a car accident last night
Some DICK CUT her OFF.
Know how to keep a gay man in suspense?
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 22:45
Know why women like chocolate better than sex?
They never feel guilty when they bite in to a nut!
Know why women like chocolate better than sex?
No matter how much they eat they'll never find a hair in it.
Know why women like chocolate better than sex?
They don't care if it goes soft in their hand!
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
GULP
Lady told me the other night she had her tonsils removed for an extra inch of stroke.
Really? i had my testicles removed for an extra TWO Inches of Stroke.!
you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!
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Holy crap I cant stop laughing. This is in my lexicon forever.
Come on guys, gay jokes are not funny............
Some gay jokes are hilarious. Ask any non-breeder to tell you a couple of gay jokes --- I double dog dare you to not laugh.
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 23:06
Some gay jokes are hilarious. Ask any non-breeder to tell you a couple of gay jokes --- I double dog dare you to not laugh.
My "gay" clientele all asked me to tell their "friend "That gay joke" The serious same gender attracted folks not only could take a joke but tell some nasty ones too. If you can't laugh at yourself you're wound to tight.
Scanker19
01-22-2013, 23:11
Loreana Bobbit and Jeffery Dhamer are in jail together. He leans over and asks her, "are you going to eat that?"
I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said “Sorry about the wait”.
I said "Don't worry dear, you're bound to lose it eventually".
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any Change”?
I said "Nope, you're still black".
Rooskibar03
01-22-2013, 23:26
Cowboy rides into town and heads to the salon for a drink.
He asks the bartender where he can find himself a woman?
"We don't have any woman here in town, but there are a lot of animals around to take care of business"
Cowboy heads to the barn, finds himself a nice little pig. He takes it back to his room, gives it a bath, puts a bow on its head and heads back to the salon.
He walks through the door with the pig under his arm. The room goes silent and gasps fill the room.
"You all do the same thing, so what's the problem?"
Bartender says "yeah, but we don't do it with the sheriffs gal"
Great-Kazoo
01-22-2013, 23:28
A black & hispanic are in a car
who's driving
THE COP!
Rucker61
01-22-2013, 23:38
How do you know if your best friend is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
sorry, an oldie but a favorite
Probably my very favorite joke, and I hate you for beating me to the punch.
Cowboy rides into town and heads to the salon for a drink.
He asks the bartender where he can find himself a woman?
"We don't have any woman here in town, but there are a lot of animals around to take care of business"
Cowboy heads to the barn, finds himself a nice little pig. He takes it back to his room, gives it a bath, puts a bow on its head and heads back to the salon.
He walks through the door with the pig under his arm. The room goes silent and gasps fill the room.
"You all do the same thing, so what's the problem?"
Bartender says "yeah, but we don't do it with the sheriffs gal"
The alternative punch line to this joke is that the guy has someone bring him a donkey, and after spending a night with it, someone points out that they usually just ride the donkey to the next town over where the girls are.
Rooskibar03
01-22-2013, 23:45
A black & hispanic are in a car
who's driving
THE COP!
What do you say to either in a 3 piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
Where did Chris Brown take Rhiana on a date last weekend?
To the abusement park.
*Mean, but hey - it's the tasteless section, so here's the worst of what I know...*
What do you do when your TV starts floating in the middle of the night? Shoot the 2 black guys carrying it.
What do you do when a raghead's screaming on the ground? Laugh and reload.
How do you get a liberal out of a tree in Texas? Cut the rope.
*And..... my favorite limmerick:*
There was a young man named McSweeney,
Who spilt some gin on his weenie.
Do you think it uncouth,
That he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini?
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke I met started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
That was when the trouble started......
Troublco
01-23-2013, 09:38
20021
JMBD2112
01-23-2013, 11:44
Did you Know Princess Diana had a dandruff problem?
They found her head and shoulders under the seat
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needs the other to moan with.
Great-Kazoo
01-23-2013, 23:49
Know why dogs lick their balls?
Cause they can't make a FIST. .................................................. .......................BAM
Know why blind people don't skydive?
It scares the fuck out of their dogs!
Know why women have legs?
So they don't leave a trail like a snail!
Great-Kazoo
01-24-2013, 00:34
This chick's going down on me as i hold on to her head,
She pushes my hand away and tells me.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD MY EARS. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!
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