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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking & then sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk", she replied. Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is your occupation?"
I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, 'Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter'. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, 'Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.'
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, 'Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.' The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, 'Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.'
That's a good one.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?!
Don't get too excited, it's not that kind of joke.
A hillbilly gets a visit from a childhood friend who's been living in the big city for many years. They decide to go for a drive while they catch up and talk about old times.
While they are driving along, the hillbilly sees a sheep with it's head caught in the fence.
'Woo yeah!' he exclaims, stopping the car. His friend watches as he jumps out and proceeds to start having his way with the sheep.
After a few minutes of this, the hillbilly shouts, 'Hey, you want some of this?'
The city boy raises an eyebrow, hops out of the car, and sticks his head in the fence.
If your spouse insists that you get them something that makes them look sexy... getting yourself drunk will do nicely.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.