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From an anonymous UPS delivery driver... 5 types of customers since the virus:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
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Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, "that's a little condescending."
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Do you know why nobody talks about Abraham Lincoln's crimes?
Because he's in a cent.
It?s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
? Muhammad Ali
Question: What did ET's dad say when he got home?
Answer: Where on Earth have you been?
I am worried about the math teacher holding graph paper- she is definitely plotting something.
Question: Where do you learn to make Ice Cream?
Answer: Sundae School
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials!
I got second place in a Groucho Marx look-alike competition.
Close, but no cigar.
Worrying is like Paying A Debt You don?t owe.
? Mark Twain
Question: Why is history like a fruit cake?
Answer: It 's full of Dates.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks.
You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon.
What do you do?
It's easy!
Just stop pretending.
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I took my one-legged dog for a walk yesterday.
What a drag.
Sent from somewhere...
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Dogs can't perform MRI's. Only cats can.
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But some can do Lab tests
Sent from somewhere...
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Did you hear about the guy that was shot with a starters pistol? It was race related.
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
