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Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)
1 Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.
2 There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3 Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4 How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5 What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6 Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7 In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8 What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now ? Donald Trump [Oh, come on]
9 If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one
Yep, I got every single one of those. But this one reminds me of a news headline I saw yesterday. It said something like "Grand Canyon's Oldest Fossil Discovered". My immediate reaction was "Not necessarily, this is just the oldest DISCOVERED fossil in the Grand Canyon - there may be older fossils yet undiscovered". Now, today, I see most of the headlines properly worded. Words matter.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
The affliction of being literal is also strong with me.
If Satan lost all his hair, there would be hell toupee'
A pessimist's blood type is always B-
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddently she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...
Wait for it...
'You just happened to catch my eye!!!'
Groan....
[Coffee]
[Faint]..
What does the quantum duck say? Quark Quark
Age Is A Number & Mine Is Unlisted!
Describe yourself in 3 words: 1. Lazy
What do you call a bee with a toe? Toby
Q. What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?
A. Widow
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
How does a WWE wrestler like his eggs? Raw
I wish more people were fluent in silence.