I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?
A: I cry when I cut up an onion.
Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.
I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself –– I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and say "It's hot in here". The second muffin responds "Holy Jesus, a talking muffin!"
You almost made me pee myself.Quote:
Originally Posted by lead_magnet
Joke of the Day: Nancy Pelosi is a saint
One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
http://cdn.ihatethemedia.com/wp-cont...1121372830.jpg
"...and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint."
“No,” the Cardinal replied. “I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
“While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some,” the Cardinal said to the congregation, “the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flipflop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”
“But when compared to President Obama,” the Cardinal concluded, “Pelosi is a saint.”
So the Obama family are at a baseball game getting ready for it to start when one of the President's Secret Service agents leans over and whispers into the President's ear.
After hearing what the agent says, BHO vehemently shakes his head in protest. To this the agent replies, "with all due respect sir, I think the fans and participants would all get a real thrill out of it." "Everyone on the teams, from the batboys all the way to the managers have said they would like for you to do it, and the fans would definitely approve as well."
BHO replies, "well ok, I guess." He then proceeds to stand up, walk over to Michelle, grab her by the collar and the belt and toss her unceremoniously over the rail onto the field. She is stunned and obviously upset, but everyone in the stands and the dugouts begins cheering and hooting and seems to think it was grand...
BHO waves to the crowd and heads back to his seat, where he finds his secret service agent pale and looking stunned.
The agent says, "but sir, I said everyone thought you should throw out the first PITCH!"
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it has taken back the gold medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to U.S. President Barack Obama.
Olympic officials said Obama deserved the medal More than Vonn because no one has ever gone Downhill faster than he has.
You could hear a pin drop (sorry for the length)
When in England, at a fairly large conference, Condi Rice was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. She answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers
were taking part, including French and American.. During a break, one of the
French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals
from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies
and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
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True Story:
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have Been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, ''The last time I was Here, I didn't have to show it. 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your Passports on arrival in France !' The American Senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
FROM A BEWILDERED TEXAS RANCHER... While riding down along the border around 8 this morning,
I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the
law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office andthe Federal Department of Homeland Security. It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.