Not the best written joke...
But the next time you see someone wearing a corduroy jacket or pair of pants, get their attention, point at the article of clothing that's in question, and state "did you know that was Helen Keller's favorite color?"
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Not the best written joke...
But the next time you see someone wearing a corduroy jacket or pair of pants, get their attention, point at the article of clothing that's in question, and state "did you know that was Helen Keller's favorite color?"
A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are on a camping trip. The Californian takes a bottle of chardonnay from his backpack and takes a swig from it, then tosses it into the air and blows it apart with a Glock. The Texan and Oregonian protest and the Californian says: We have that stuff coming out our ears, it's no big deal.
The Texan, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of premium tequila, takes a drink then throws it into the air and blasts it to pieces with a revolver. He says: Got tons of it it, no big deal.
The Oregonian chugs a bottle of IPA, then takes a shotgun from his backpack and blows the Californian away. The Texan stares at him aghast until the Oregonian says: We have lots of those. But this bottle is worth five cents.
^^^^^^^
LOL. That was good for late in the day.
A family goes to the circus - mom, dad, and their son. The elephant act comes out & the son asks his mom, "Mom, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant?" His mom says "That's his trunk." "No, I mean the long thing in the back." "That's his tail." "No, the other long thing hanging down in the back, between his legs." Mom says "Uh, that's nothing. I'm going to go get us some sodas." So after she leaves, the kid turns to his dad & says "Dad, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant? Not his trunk, not his tail, the other long thing hanging down between his legs." His dad says "Oh. Well, that's the elephant's penis." The son says "So how come when I asked Mom what it was, she said it was nothing?" Dad put his arm around his boy & said "Son, I have spoiled that woman."
Chester tried out for a bit part in a broadway bound musical. His brother got him an audition. "Look, it's easy" said the brother "you only have one line, here it is" "Hark, the cannons roar".
Chester auditioned and he got the bit part. He faithfully attended every rehearsal. Delivered his line, right on time.
On the day of the premiere Chester oversleeps.
He runs to the theater, the guy at the stage door stops him, asks "who are you?" Chester says "I'm 'hard, the cannons roar'" Oh my gosh, get in to make up right away, you're late!"
Chester goes to make up, gets in costume, then goes to the stage manager. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark, the cannons roar" answers Chester. "Great you are on in 5 seconds, get out there"
Chester runs on stage, right on cue. All of a sudden a tremendous BOOM comes from the sound system. Chester shouts
"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???"
A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."
Oh fuck, that got meQuote:
Originally Posted by izzy
One day three golfers were playing a round of golf.
They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off.
One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway.
He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight.
The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway.
"You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass.
" Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life."
A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what exactly would you say?"
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “OK.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “OK.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “OK.”
This is how politics works.
There was a Texas oil tycoon who was watching his largest oil well going up in flames.
He called in the best fire fighting equipment money could buy but there was no way they could get close enough to the intense flames to reach them with their water hose.
Finally, out of desperation, he called the local volunteer fire department. They chugged up in their 1946 truck and passed every one of the state of the art rigs and headed toward the center of the fire. They stopped, jumped out, sprayed each other down with water, and then proceeded to put out the fire.
When they were finally finished, the millionaire was so impressed with the crew's dedication and bravery, he awarded the chief with a check for $10,000.
Later, a reporter asked the chief what he was going to do with the money.
The chief replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix those lousy brakes!!"
An older lady gets pulled over for going 70mph in a 35mph zone ...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was going 70 in a 35, too.
Unless you are in Minneapolis, blonde, wearing pajamas in which case you would have been shot
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off. An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then, I'll just go and wait at the bottom." She didn't jump.
In response to the Taurus 'Judge' and Smith & Wessons 'Governor', Ruger is coming out with a new handgun called 'The Congressman', only it doesn't work and you can't fire it.
Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!'
How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?
You look for the fresh prints
Quote:
Originally Posted by BPTactical
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI&sns=em
A man appears before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Have you done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
The man did not hesitate to say "Absolutely, on a trip near Reno I met a group of bikers who were threatening a lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. I walked up to the biggest, meanest-looking biker and kicked his bike over before punching him in the face and kicking him hard in the shin. I yelled 'Now back off or I'll beat the tar out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
ROTFLOLQuote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.
“Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”
When she didn’t stir, Jimmy, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.
“God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”
A while later the teacher asked “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.
Jimmy poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.
“Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.
Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Jimmy jabbed her with the pencil.
This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR A**!!”
The teacher fainted.
A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender nervously replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the nun asked.
"Well, there is a life-size statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."
"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."
So the bartender pointed to the door, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She walked up to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, because now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
^^ I laughed harder than I probably should have...
One day a boy saw a farmer selling a donkey for $100.00. The boy told the farmer he would pay the money if the farmer could deliver it to his house. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day but when he arrived at the boy's house there was no donkey. He told the boy that the donkey died during the night. Saddened, the boy asked for his money back. "I'm afraid I have already spent the money." the farmer said. "Well, then just give me the donkey." said the boy. "What are you going to do with a dead donkey?" asked the farmer. The boy told the farmer he would think of something, so the farmer delivered the donkey the next day.
The next month the farmer saw the boy and asked him what he ever did with the donkey. "I made $895.00 off of that thing." the boy said. " How could you make that much money off of a dead donkey?" the farmer wanted to know. The boy said, "I didn't tell anyone he was dead at first. I just put up signs around town that said I was going to raffle off a beautiful donkey for raffle tickets that cost $5.00 and I sold 200 tickets." "Wait a minute", said the farmer, "you said you made $895.00 but if you sold 200 tickets at $5.00 each that's $1,000.00. After you subtract the $100.00 you paid me you should have made $900.00". "You're right", said the boy, "But when the winner found out the donkey was dead he was a little upset so I gave him his money back." (The boy grew up and became the CEO of Enron.)
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
>
> The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings, has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
>
> The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote.
>
> General Secretary Abdullah Aloud Bhang told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
>
> Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Aisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
>
> Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.
>
> According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings can be attributed to Rosie O'Donnell and Maxine Waters; many more Muslim Jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
Comedian Ralphie May died today....that sucks, he was a funny dude.
BOO...Quote:
Originally Posted by Otterbatcat
Ralphie had some funny material.
I'm going to assume heart attack?
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Damn....
Contracted pneumonia and then had the heart attack.
Man walks into a bar, and the sign says free drinks all night if you can reach the meat hanging from the top of the ceiling.
But, the bartender says, " If you fail to reach the meat, you have to buy rounds for the rest of the bar for the rest of the night."
The guy looks up at the ceiling and says "Nah,.........the steaks are too high".
A mans grandmother had been feeling ill recently, and had been admitted into the hospital for further evaluation.
During the diagnosis and further testing, she had taken a turn for the worst....and had become unresponsive, but still alive.
When the doctor addressed the man about her latest condition, he said that it had become clear that his Grandmothers brain had no further activity at all, but her heart was still beating.
The man paused, and said...oh dear Lord!.......we've never had a Democrat in the family before.
A female deer walks out of the woods. She stops, looks behind her, and says “I’ll never do that for two bucks again”,
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
A couple took a trip to the Holy Land and the husband decided to invite his mother-in-law.
Before they even got there she was already complaining about the long flight and he knew he was in for a long trip.
For two weeks they visited every major site from the bible.
They walked the path that Jesus walked from where he was born in the manger to the tomb where the stone was rolled away.
On one of the last days there the couple received some bad news from the hotel manager.
A housekeeper had found the mother-in-law in her room dead of a heart attack.
The manager informed them that they could take care of the arrangements and bury her in the holy land for only $200.00.
If they decided to take her back to the U.S. the expense of preparing the body for the trip and the flight would run about $5,000.00.
The husband said he would think about it and let him know the next day.
The next day the hotel manager saw the husband in the lobby and asked him if he had made a decision.
"I decided to take her back home for the $5,000.00" He told the manager.
"That's fine" said the manager "But do you mind me asking why since we can do it here for just $200.00".
"Well I've been thinking about it", said the husband,
"And in the two weeks that we've been here all I've heard about was this man that they crucified and buried and then three days later he arose from the grave.
For $4800.00 I'm not willing to take that chance!"
...https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...5e28601b52.jpg
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A convenience store needed to replace the fence on the back of the property so the owner called three contractors in to bid on it.
When they arrived he noticed each vehicle was from a different state.
He didn't think anything of it and took them around back to make a bid.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ''Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ''Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.''
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ''$2,700.''
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ''You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?''
''Easy,'' he said. ''$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.''
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass.
It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier"
A game warden stops a poacher walking along the beach and tells him he's going to fine him for taking lobsters without a permit.
The poacher tells the warden the two lobsters in his hands are his pets and he was just taking them for a walk.
"Nonsense," says the game warden.
"It's true, it's not against the law to walk your pets along the beach, is it?" asks the man. "I send them into the surf for a swim and when I whistle they come back to me".
"I've got to see this; show me." says the game warden.
So the man tosses both lobsters into the ocean and the game warden says, "Okay, now let's hear you whistle for your lobsters to swim back to you."
"Lobsters?" asks the poacher, "What lobsters?"