How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped.
The majority are too small.
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How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped.
The majority are too small.
Why was Eve created?
Somebody had to iron Adam’s leaf.
Why do chickens lift one leg while they sleep?
Because they can't lift both without falling over.
How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
Confucius once said... a man with a hole in his pocket feels cocky all day.
A lady walked into a Bentley dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect, and fully equiped automobile she had ever seen.
As she approached the car to inspect it closer, she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed; standing right there behind her was a salesman, who nonetheless greeted her with a pleasant smile:
- Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication, and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked:
- Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied:
- Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you’re gonna sh*t when you hear the price!
Hehehe
And if she's Asian?Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
Irene
And where do they both work?Quote:
Originally Posted by 68Charger
Ihop
: D
Why should the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match (the other appliances).
Why is it difficult to find men who are kind, caring and good looking?
They’ve got boyfriends already.
Whats the difference between a blonde & a mosquito?
Smack it & see which stops sucking.
Oh yes i did say that. Doh!
Done. Before I get into trouble...
Exit, Theater right.
What do you call a leper in a bathtub?
Stew
Irving! Take a picture & it can be StewArt
Have to use food coloring.
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town.
Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.
Ah, yes the jokes on them & that is pretty funny. Another way...Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
I've done something of similar sentiment but rather than waiting for them to leave, I waited for them to return, re-enter the vehicle & buckle up. Not being shy, I walked up to the car, opened the door while they sat there wide eyed and confused & said 'You dropped this Sir'. Then, not so politely I returned their discarded food containers to express my displeasure at their lack of consideration.
I've done that once as well. ^
Unfortunately, the reservoir of my remaining jokes are not appropriate for print if assuming the ones I've already shared ever were. I'll have to stockpile & revisit this thread after I sort for more 'Dad' jokes that everyone can enjoy.
Um, what's a pirate's favorite song?
Shake, shake shake.
Shake shake shake.
Shake your bootie. Aeow yeah...
What do you call two canaries?
Binary.
Two blondes are walking in the forest when they come across a set of tracks. One claims they are moose tracks, while the other is sure that they are bear tracks. While they are arguing, they both are run over by a train.Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
Is #blondelife a thing? Maybe it should be.
Three nuns died in a terrible car crash. At the Pearly Gates they were met by Saint Peter. "Good day, Sisters!", he said. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven. Before you may enter you must first answer a question." The three nuns looked surprised at this pronouncement. He stepped up to the first nun who was very young and said "you are a novitiate and will therefore have a simple question - who was the first man?" The young nun proudly proclaimed "Adam!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open. He then spoke to the second nun - "Sister, you were also a novitiate, so your question shall also be simple - "Who was the first woman?" "Thank heavens for an easy one!" she replied, " Eve!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open. St. Peter then spoke to the last nun who was obviously much older than the other two. "You, Sister, were the Mother Superior of the convent and will therefore have a much more difficult question - What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Well, Mother Superior was sweating bullets. No one ever taught her this. She drew a blank. "Oh, Dear Lord!" she said "That's a hard one!" And the trumpets played and the gates swung open...
PM them all to me!Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
How do you pick up a Jerry's Kid in the bar?
With a magnet.
What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
The back of your hand.
Reminded me of a friend on Cotopaxi... when she had something she wanted to get rid of near the holidays, she would wrap it up like a present and leave it in the back of her truck when she went to the city... the item went away, and she too pleasure in knowing she ruined a thief's day.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
You started it...Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
Why is a wedding dress white?
So the dishwasher matches the stove and fridge.
Nope. Thread was here long before me.Quote:
Originally Posted by OldFogey
Whats the difference between an onion & a prostitute?
You cry when you cut an onion.
What do you call an Italian hooker?
A pasta-tute
How do you know if a woman really likes you?
She puts her shoes by her/your ears.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer behind her ear?
Anyone seen my pen?
What is a fake noodle called?
Impasta
Do you know why you should stay away from using velcro?
Its a total rip off.
Confucius once said... the earth's rotation really makes my day.
Why don't you ever see an elephant hiding in a tree?
They've got skills.
Why don't you bend over in American Furniture Warehouse?
Because Jake Jabs