Want to hear a joke about construction?
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Want to hear a joke about construction?
Im working on it.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
A stick
How do you guarantee you can brag to your friends after leaving the range?
Shoot first & then call your targets.
Dwarf shortage.
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus giggle?
Ten tickles.
Where does a Jersey boy find a Zebra?
25 letters after 'A' brah.
When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"It's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Why do dwarves giggle when they play soccer?
The grass tickles thier balls.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Cherry float
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
Why is it that men always get their great ideas in bed?
They are plugged into a genius.
What's the difference between oooh & ahhhh?
2 inches
Or is it 3?
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's?
Hiding your own Easter eggs.
I knew a man who liked the taste of brake fluid. I tried telling him that it was dangerous and he shouldn't drink it, but he assured me he could stop at any time.
In Ireland, three Irish brothers have a tradition of stopping at the pub after work every day and having a shot of Irish whiskey.
One of the brothers moves to the States, but he keeps the tradition alive by stopping at a pub after work and having three shots of Irish whiskey - one for himself and one for each of his brothers.
One day he stops at the pub and orders TWO shots. The bartender, who has become familiar with the tradition, fears the worst and asks him, "Good Lord, what happened? Did you lose one of your brothers?"
The Irishman says, oh no, my brothers are both fine - I just quit drinking!
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Elections
What did the cannibal say while eating a clown?
Anyone else think this tastes a little funny.
Ugh, terrible.
How many animals can you fit into a pair of stockings?
Two calves, an ass, a pussy, and who knows how many hairs.
Whats the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling
What do you get a man who has everything?
Penicillin
Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island.
One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled
- Stop making love down there!
- What?s the matter with you? The husband said when the sailor climbed down.
- We weren?t making love.
- Sorry, said the sailor,
- From up there it looked like you were.
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself,
- By golly he?s right! It DOES look like they?re making love down there!
What's the difference between a washer and an 18 year-old girl?
The washer doesn't follow you around telling you it loves you after to dump a load into it.
Two cannibals were eating Amy Schumer. One says to the other, ‘’does this taste funny to you?’’ The other cannibal says, ‘’no, not at all.’’Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
How many gorillas fit into an average car?
Eight.
How many chickens will fit into the same car?
None. Its full of gorillas silly.
A girl asks a boy: - How much do you love me?
The boy looks her in the eyes: - Look up at the stars, that's how much I love you.
The girl is confused: - But it's morning, there are no stars?
Boy nods.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.
Knock knock
..............Who's there
Opportunity
.............. Bullsh*t
Knock knock
............... Who's there?
Cook
............... Cook who?
Suspected you were a nutter.
Knock knock
............... Who's there?
Deja
...............Deja who?
Knock knock.
What is green & crys in the corner?
The incredible sulk.
Where do you get virgin wool?
Fugly sheep.
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.
What do you call a bump, that some folks call a Mountain?
Hill-arious
Why should you go to a acquaintance's funeral?
I don't know because they won't be at yours.
What cup of tea can vary in flavor from very bitter to sweet?
Realitea
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
Investigator
Meh...
When the ship fell ill, what did it do?
Went to the dock.