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Don't pretend to like my jokes to get bacon. [LOL]
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!
All about SIGNS today:
In a Podiatrist's office:
Time Wounds All Heels
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
To expedite your visit, please back in
On a Plumber's truck:
We Repair What Your Husband Fixed
On a Church's Billboard:
7 days without God makes one weak
At a Tyre Shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout
At a Towing company:
We don’t charge an arm and a leg, we want tows
On an Electrician's truck:
Let Us Remove Your Shorts
In a Non-smoking Area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
On a Maternity Room door:
Push. Push. Push!
At an Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
On a Taxidermist's window:
We really know our stuff
On a Fence:
Salesmen Welcome. Dog Food Is Expensive
At a Car Dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet is to miss a car payment
Outside a Muffler Shop:
No appointment necessary; We hear you coming
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay
At the Electric Company:
We will be de-lighted if you send in your payment however, if you don't, you will be
In a Restaurant window:
Dont stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up
In an Undertakers:
Drive carefully please. We'll wait
At a Propane Gas Supplier:
Thank heaven for little grills
Last two....
In front of a Radiator Shop:
Best place in town to take a leak
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
CAUTION - This Truck is Full of Political Promises
The judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations ... nothing."
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you see later and one you see after while.
Did ChickNorris give you permission to post in this thread? And with one of her yet unused jokes?Quote:
Originally Posted by ray1970
ETA: If I keep making wise cracks like this one and the one in your Passport thread folks are going to start coming after me with pitchforks.
You might be one of the most beloved members on here. You can probably get away with more than you think and not ruffle any feathers.Quote:
Originally Posted by theGinsue
The doctor said,”Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital,
he was without a headache for the first time in 20 yrs. But he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing
store and thought, “That’s what I need....a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see....size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “that’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 years.” The tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.....it fit perfectly.
Joe admired himself in the mirror. The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see.....34 sleeves and 16 ? neck."
Joe was surprised. “That’s right, how did you know?”
“Been in the business 60 yrs.”
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure.”
The salesman said. “Let’s see.....size 36.”
Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since before I was 18 yrs. old.”
The salesman shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”
Got me on that one.
Still laughing!
Two female privates are ordered to paint the general's office. They are warned not to get paint on their uniforms. So they lock the door, strip down to their underwear and get to work.
An hour later, there's a knock at the door. "Who is it?" they ask.
"Blind man."
Thinking nothing of it, the privates open the door. "Hi," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
Doh
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down at the bar next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and stared up at the TV as the 10 o'clock news came on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building, preparing to jump. Alexandria looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack said, "You know what, I bet he will." Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!”
Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. She was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
Alexandria replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money. Alexandria went back to work in the U.S. Congress.
Ouch!![facepalm]Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor doesn't show up. A full professor is rated fifteen minutes; an associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however, and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed young man, "first they saluted, and then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
A lone explorer arrives at a jungle camp of natives in deep Africa. The natives are friendly and they greet him with open arms, they end up having a feast in his honor. Their Chief speaks English and all is good, the village is alive with drums and dancing.
The explorer is exhausted from his travels and needs sleep, he tries to retire but the drums keep pounding. He thanks the Chief for the warm reception and asks if the drumming could stop, explaining that he needs rest.
The Chief looks at him and says, "The drum must not stop, bad things happen when drum stop....!" The explorer retires to his tent with the drums pounding away trying again to sleep. Several times during the night he asks the Chief to stop the drumming but gets the same answer, '...drums must not stop,...bad things when drums stop....'
Finally at 4 in the morning, he yells at the Chief to stop the drums. "So what happens when the drums stop..?" he asks!
" Then come Bass solo "
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.
"Jury trial," the defendant replied.
"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
What does the movie Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common....?
Icy dead people.
Yo momma's so fat...
...Thanos had to snap twice.
As he was getting in bed she said:
You're drunk
He said:
How do you know?
She said:
You live next door.
Husband asked his wife:
Why don't you tell me when you're having an orgasim?
She replied:
I don't like calling you @ work.
Hahahahahahahahahahahaahahah!!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
The government in this state has your best interest in mind and uses your tax dollars wisely. - shamelessly stolen from Ron Swanson
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.