Ha! I like that one.
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Ha! I like that one.
I told this joke @ work today...twice.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
Both times I got "WTF is wrong with you" stares.
Some people don't know good humor - even when it hits them in the face.
Quote:
Originally Posted by theGinsue
[ROFL1]
Glad someone caught that.
I caught it. Caught it right in the face.
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
I discovered that EVERY room in my house is in fact, room temperature......
......except the corners.
They are all 90 degrees.
Oh yes, that is along the style of Stephen Wright.
I miss that humor!
I was in my backyard trying to launch a new kite. I tossed the kite up in the air, then the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times, without success.
All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me,
"You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
No wonder I'm confused.....
A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night!
My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’"
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said all that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."
So, she did say that.
Know what liberals use before candles?
ELECTRICITY !
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
Banned for life from the petting zoo....
Funny how red, white & blue represent freedom until those same colors are flashing behind you.
Anything you need to share? [Coffee]
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
One more:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking & then sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk", she replied. Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, I don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is your occupation?"
I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
A husband and wife decided they needed to use 'code' to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, 'Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter'. The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, 'Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.'
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, 'Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.' The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, 'Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.'
That's a good one.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Woo
Woo who?!
Don't get too excited, it's not that kind of joke.
A hillbilly gets a visit from a childhood friend who's been living in the big city for many years. They decide to go for a drive while they catch up and talk about old times.
While they are driving along, the hillbilly sees a sheep with it's head caught in the fence.
'Woo yeah!' he exclaims, stopping the car. His friend watches as he jumps out and proceeds to start having his way with the sheep.
After a few minutes of this, the hillbilly shouts, 'Hey, you want some of this?'
The city boy raises an eyebrow, hops out of the car, and sticks his head in the fence.
If your spouse insists that you get them something that makes them look sexy... getting yourself drunk will do nicely.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
How does Darth Vader like his grilled cheese?
On the dark side.
Ba dum tss
So like a sharp cheddar, as opposed to with provalone?
ha ha, better not show this one to the wife.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
What do you call the unreliable copier?
Bob Marley - cos he always be jammin', mon
Stolen from my friend:
In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Methodist church tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an Xbox game for his Playstation.
Now, THAT was funny!Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, 'Here's something I have that you'll never have!' The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a huge smile on her face. She lifts her skirt and says, 'My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!'
Little Sally came home from school and told her mother, 'Frankie Smith showed me his weenie today at the playground!' Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.' Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, 'Really small, was it?' Sally replied, 'No, very salty.'