What kind of bees surprise you by making milk instead of honey?
Boobees
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What kind of bees surprise you by making milk instead of honey?
Boobees
I'm picking up on a trend here...or is it just coincidence?
Are those the kind that only come out at Halloween?Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
Mardi GrasQuote:
Originally Posted by Bailey Guns
Why did they only make one Yogi Bear?
Because the second bear was a Boo-Boo.
If you ever see me jogging, PLEASE kill whatever is chasing me !
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: "JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE."
[ROFL1]Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t with me again. You're in my closet now!'
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
For a couple of years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm over worked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
[Coffee]
Being as it's talk like a pirate day - what's a Pirate's favorite letter?
Some would say it be "arrrr" - but they're wrong.
A pirate's first love is the "C".
Not really a joke. . .
Yankee doodle went to town, riding on your mother.
Every time they hit a bump you got another brother.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign "I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Been awhile:
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Not really a joke, but not really a funny video either:
http://youtu.be/iW4qjPkR-_U
Thanks. I used to listen to my dad?s Justin Wilson record as a child. Great humor.
If you like Justin Wilson you should listen to some stuff by Jerry Clower.
Jerry Clower is also a personal favorite. I remember many details from his stories.
Three things that don’t hang themselves:
Christmas Ornaments
Drywall
Jeffry Epstein
A little military humor for the crew:
A newly commissioned lieutenant was talking with his company first sergeant. The LT says, "You know, Top, I've always wondered why the officer rank insignias are what they are."
The first sergeant says, "Well sir, let me break it down for you. Second lieutenants wear a gold bar to show that you're valuable, but malleable. First lieutenants wear a silver bar because they're still valuable, but less malleable. Captains have two bars because they're twice as valuable, but still kind of malleable. Colonels wear eagles because they soar over all the rest of us. And generals wear stars because they're the stars in our galaxy."
The lieutenant says, "Makes sense, Top. But what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"
"Well sir, that goes back to the Garden of Eden. Adam started it, and we've been covering our pricks with leaves ever since."
What sound does a limping turkey make?
Wobble, wobble...
Is "turkey" the pet name for your johnson?
Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..
Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night..
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over.
Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
I know, terrible. All I got though.
That is a certified dad joke right there.Quote:
Originally Posted by ChickNorris
Quote:
Originally Posted by spqrzilla
Quote:
Ten Years Ago at VFTP...
From December 2009...
"So the cover of this month's American Rifleman announces "The Unexpected SIG516".
A new AR clone these days is about as "unexpected" as another Friday the 13th sequel or Law & Order spinoff. What's "unexpected" is that there are still some gun manufacturers who haven't jumped on this bandwagon, since all that's needed to get in the game is an ATF variance letter sent to Continental Machine Tool or Sabre Defense. In a world where such unlikely candidates as Ruger, Remington, and Smith & Wesson are pimping AR-style carbines, what's left?
Here are my predictions for "unexpected" AR announcements at SHOT:
Harrington & Richardson H&R-15: Cast parts and stained birch furniture keep costs down. Sold at Wal-Mart for $109.95.
Marlin MAR-15: Neither direct impingement nor piston operated, the MAR-15 is California-legal, since the bolt is cycled via a complex linkage actuated by rocking the pistol grip forward and back.
Thompson/Center EncoR-15: Available in almost two hundred chamberings, three quarters of which are designed by J.D. Jones and only of interest to handloaders who also hunt rabid grizzly bears.
General Motors GI-15: Unsold inventory stocks will allow these to be sold at zero percent financing with a hefty manufacturer's rebate less than six months after their introduction. Brace for recalls.
Apple iR-15: Only works with proprietary ammunition. Made of sleek, white plastic. Has to be sent to an authorized service center for field-stripping and cleaning. Owners soon sport glazed, zombielike expressions of loyalty familiar to posters at MacForums or GlockTalk.
Harley-Davidson HD-15: Leaks oil. Comes with clip-on ponytail and lick'n'stick eagle tattoo in box, as well as coupon for chromed BUIS, charging handle, and highway pegs."
That last one made me chuckle.
Source: https://twitter.com/GitRDoneLarry/st...42178334625792
The adult film industry said they may struggle financially in the coming decades because 90% of the incoming millennial females have nut allergies.
A young boy accidentally sees his mom changing her clothes. Unfamiliar with this situation the boy asks
"What's that hairy thing?"
Embarrassed, Mom quickly replies "Um...That's a sponge...."
The boy's eyes light up. "Oh yeah, babysitters got one too. I have seen her washing Dads face with it."
How to tell if someone is a Republican, a Democrat, or just a Southerner.
Are you a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner? This little test will help you decide:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 chambered in .45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
******************************
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question! What is a Kimber 1911 and what does .45 ACP mean?
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus. This is all so confusing!
******************************
Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
******************************
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click…..
(Sounds of reloading)
BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Speer Gold Dots or Federal Premium hollow points?!”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one?!”
Wife: “You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!”
^ Excellent! ^
Deep In the back woods, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
Whoa there, said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
I thought the wife was going to have four legs...
I'm a nitpicker I guess, because 1911s don't go "Click" when you fire them empty.
Maybe if you'd specified a para... ;)
Maybe the click was the mag disengaging when the mag release was pressed. ;-)Quote:
Originally Posted by Circuits
At least they got the round counts right.
My husband just told me this joke:
What's the difference between a bonus & a penis?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
He also told me this one:
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Likolotapus