A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.
"I dunno, what do you want?"
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A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.
"I dunno, what do you want?"
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
Hahahahahaha!!!! [LOL]Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
I told this joke at work today. The guy just started edging away...well beyond the 6' social distancing space.Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
Bonus!Quote:
Originally Posted by theGinsue
She hurried to the pharmacy to get the medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open. She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft." The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is GOD great or what!?!
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
What is Moby Dick's father's name?
Papa Boner
Why don't witches wear underwear?
Better gription on their brooms.
What's the difference between a hippie chick & a hockey player?
Hockey player usually showers after 3 periods.
ChickNorris.... you're on a roll !!
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Did you know that in the USA you can't take a
photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?
You need to use a camera.
Question:What do you call a smelly fairy?
Answer: Stinkerbell
My wife poked me in the eyes yesterday,
so I stopped seeing her for a while.
Question:What do you call 2 Banana Peels?
Answer: A pair of slippers.
A Romanian woman claims to be the
world's oldest mother at 66...
That?s rubbish, my Mum's 85!
The two most common elements in the
universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
Question:What did one wall say to the other wall?
Answer: Meet me at the corner
Someone told me they really like my name.
I said thanks, I got it for my birthday!
[ROFL1]Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
And timely too!
Not a funny pic or a joke...a riddle I guess
Attachment 80839
$80
I figured $100. $70 in goods and $30 in cash. The same as the theft of the $100, which was simply exchanged for equivalent goods and cash. The wholesale price of the goods doesn't account for the lost profit of the retail sale.
Wow. F’in hilarious. Can’t stop crying.
Little johnny please.
Thanks Gman.
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver... 5 types of customers since the virus:
1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He’s sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new “Bernie Bro” hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.
3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about “The Rona” on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.
4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on “The Rona”. She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen’s kids are currently faking “The Rona” to avoid her. I’m delivering “Hello kitchen” to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.
5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I’m bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.
LOL!!
Today, I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, "that's a little condescending."
Ouch.....[facepalm]
Do you know why nobody talks about Abraham Lincoln's crimes?
Because he's in a cent.
It?s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
? Muhammad Ali
Question: What did ET's dad say when he got home?
Answer: Where on Earth have you been?
I am worried about the math teacher holding graph paper- she is definitely plotting something.
Question: Where do you learn to make Ice Cream?
Answer: Sundae School
Light travels faster than sound.
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Question: What do you call alien eggs?
Answer: Eggstra-terrestrials!
I got second place in a Groucho Marx look-alike competition.
Close, but no cigar.
Worrying is like Paying A Debt You don?t owe.
? Mark Twain
Question: Why is history like a fruit cake?
Answer: It 's full of Dates.
Pretend you are on a raft in the middle of the ocean surrounded by sharks.
You only have a one day supply of water and a harpoon.
What do you do?
It's easy!
Just stop pretending.
I took my one-legged dog for a walk yesterday.
What a drag.
Sent from somewhere...
Dogs can't perform MRI's. Only cats can.
But some can do Lab tests
Sent from somewhere...
Did you hear about the guy that was shot with a starters pistol? It was race related.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
I saw that story too... when he was going down the backside of the prison wall. It was a little condescending.
While riding my motorcyhcle, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
Attachment 81497Quote:
Originally Posted by TFOGGER
Nice...eyes. [Sofa]
The nail polish is what really caught my attention.
That steering wheel is the only thing that's flat.
Really I saw that Louis Vuitton bag it was like oh my goodness
All I could think was ?is that a Nissan Morano in the neighbors driveway??
Not to mention a wonderful job they did on the topiariesQuote:
Originally Posted by ray1970
They are quite erect.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNash