Nice pair, too. One on each side.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNash
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Nice pair, too. One on each side.Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNash
Nice S8.Quote:
Originally Posted by rondog
Question: What kind of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
I wrote a book about reverse psychology. Please don-t buy it.
"It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?”
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Question: What kind of house does Fonzie live in?
An Ayyyyeee frame.
A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Question: Why do trees have so many friends?
They branch out
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger at the grocery store, and it was hard to resist asking him to say one of his famous movie lines... but...
I played it cool and casually asked him if he knew where they stock the eggs.
He said, "Aisle B, back."
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.
"Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."
The prisoner writes back:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whisky, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
[ROFL1]Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine.
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently.
Hmm? said the manager. And are you sure you having nothing else to add?
Well, yes, said the member.
I lie extensively.
Question: Why do green beans meditate?
To find inner peas!
My friends gave me the nickname Mr. Compromise
It's not my first choice..
but I'm ok with it.
You can never trust an atom...
they make up everything.
Question: Why don't penguins go to The U.K.?
Because they're afraid of Wales!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Question: Why is dark spelled with the letter K?
Because you can't c in the dark!
I accused my wife of adding dirt to the garden.
She denied it.
The plot thickens...
Question: How come ants never get sick?
Because of their anty bodies!
I finally finished writing a book on penguins!
In hindsight it would have been easier to do it on paper...
.
Ouch!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good!” said the first bat, “Because I didn't!”
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic ocean with the Titanic?
Half way.
Hello.... is this mic working.....?
Maybe it was 'too soon'?
Some of them made it all the way, just not on the Titanic.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you.
So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
got a few odd e-mails from work Fri -
The company has a lot of world wide connections and they said they had a Covid vaccine I could take so I just received the Russian Covid vaccine today and so far I have no side efectoski secundarioski Президент Российской Федерации; Президент россии.
АК-47 неплохая винтовка, ар-15 не очень.
[ROFL1] nyuck nyuckQuote:
Originally Posted by bradbn4
American History Review circa 2020:
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good!
Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing.
"Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F___ the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now!" ...she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The American public if Joe Biden gets elected."
An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and
entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.
Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in
charge of the hops.
My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.
Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while
a crow only has 16.
The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his
own incision?
Suture self.
Memory Test
1) Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2) There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3) Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4) How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5) What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?
6) Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
7) In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8) What was the President's Name...in 1975?
9) If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10) Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11) If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?
Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)
1 Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.
2 There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3 Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4 How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5 What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6 Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7 In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8 What was the President's Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now ? Donald Trump [Oh, come on]
9 If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one
Yep, I got every single one of those. But this one reminds me of a news headline I saw yesterday. It said something like "Grand Canyon's Oldest Fossil Discovered". My immediate reaction was "Not necessarily, this is just the oldest DISCOVERED fossil in the Grand Canyon - there may be older fossils yet undiscovered". Now, today, I see most of the headlines properly worded. Words matter.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
The affliction of being literal is also strong with me.
If Satan lost all his hair, there would be hell toupee'
A pessimist's blood type is always B-
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddently she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...
Wait for it...
'You just happened to catch my eye!!!'
Groan....
[Coffee]
[Faint]..
What does the quantum duck say? Quark Quark
Age Is A Number & Mine Is Unlisted!
Describe yourself in 3 words: 1. Lazy
What do you call a bee with a toe? Toby
Q. What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?
A. Widow
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
How does a WWE wrestler like his eggs? Raw
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
What do you call a dairy cow that won?t produce?
A milk dud.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I hear Jared Polis lost his drivers license. Apparently he was rear ended too many times.
How do you cook a kidney?
You boil the piss out of it.
I was gonna yell you a COVID-19 joke but there's a 99.99% chance you won't get it.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is your bar tender?".
Why did granny fall into the well?
She didn't see that well.
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.
The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
This will be the first year my family and I can't go skiing in the Alps because of the pandemic. Normally it's because we can't afford it.
What baseball team do dentists root for?
The Yank ees.
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it.
He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Why was the chef mad?
He had all the money in the world- but no thyme.
What do you call a silent kebab?
A shh-kebab.
I'm probably the best ever at being humble..
I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.
What do you call a flannel cat?
A Plaid-A-Pus
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Together we can stop this shit.
Why do vegetarians give such good head?
They're used to eating nuts.
What do you call an Irish lesbian?
Gay lick.