Don’t use a capital R when spelling russia.
Sanctions don’t permit capitalization there.
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Don’t use a capital R when spelling russia.
Sanctions don’t permit capitalization there.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What do you do if a Russian conscript throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
I watched my first porno the other day... Man I looked young.
What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
Can a Tesla be stolen?
Yes, but then it would be called an Edison.
FOR ALL YOU RETIRED HUSBANDS OUT THERE.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I have done a few of those. Mostly at Murdochs but some at Walmart.
My favorite not mentioned - push an empty cart every where in the store and every time you encounter a little ol lady, bump her cart and challenge "wanna race?".
A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion?s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, ?Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.? The biker replies, ?Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.?
The reporter says, ?Well, I?m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow?s paper will have this story on the front page? so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have??
The biker replies, ?I?m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.?
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
?U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.?
Two liberals come across a man in a ditch. He is bleeding, moaning. He has been beaten to a pulp and left for dead. One liberal says to the other, “Quick, we have to find the people who did this. They need help.”
What?s the difference between the titanic and the state of California?
.
.
.
.
The Titanic had her lights on when she went under.
There is a new Netflix film on Jeffrey Dahmer.
They reveal that most of the corpses found were missing the nose and he was saving them to make a Dahmer nose pizza.
Booo! Get off the stage!Quote:
Originally Posted by flogger
...OK. I admit I chuckled.
Dang, I miss Norm.Quote:
Originally Posted by William
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, You must be a Republican!
I am, replies the man. How did you know?
Well, answers the balloonist, everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.
The man smiles and responds, You must be a Democrat.
I am, replies the balloonist. How did you know?
Well, says the man, You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.
https://i.imgur.com/FSv3XZd.jpg
Take a look at the actual position of the coordinates, and this joke takes on another aspect of humor.
That dude needs a new GPS.Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
...I don't get it. Some random location in Mertzon, TX?Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
Yep, not really a location for a man fishing from a boat belowQuote:
Originally Posted by RblDiver
So, the irony or humor is that neither one knows where they are.
Mertzon is a nice lil town...but not much fishing there hahaha
The opposite of irony is wrinkly…Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.
The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.
The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.
Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."
[ROFL3]Quote:
Originally Posted by Gman
I'm way behind on these. My wife nearly called 911, I was choking and turning purple, I was laughing so hard!
This is national diarrhea week.
That?s right folks, it runs all week.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “ hay pirate why do you have a steering wheel shoved down the front of you pants?” The pirate responds “ I don’t know mate, but it’s driving me nuts”
A vegetarian and a vegan jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first.
Who wins?
Society.
What do you call a vegan with the runs?
a salad shooter
Hopefully the one that also does crossfit. Probably telling the other one about it on the way down.Quote:
Originally Posted by Erni
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
If you're unarmed, you are a victim.
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
I?ve just finished reading a book about the world?s greatest basement? It was a best cellar.
It?s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.
My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open.
I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks? It cost me an arm and a leg.
The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.
Horses have lower divorce rates. It?s because they are in stable relationships.
It?s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted???
My teachers told me I?d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.
90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can?t part with it.
Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle? It?s a vicious cycle.
The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary
I?ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.
When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls, if they didn?t want to kiss you, they would have to give you a dollar. By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.
Always trust a nudist? They have nothing to hide.
Punny!
What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
Dubai does not like The Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do!
I've just learnt a dull yet interesting fact
Koi fish always travel in groups of four. If attacked ... Koi A, B and C will scatter, leaving behind the D Koi.
groan
From https://twitter.com/VeteranIrish/sta...1572470096289:
British Army Humour
An innocent typo was made and all parties involved have gotten as much enjoyment as they could out of it!
Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon completed years of service), that he would receive in addition to his monthly pension.
The letter read,
"Dear Lt. Colonel Maclaren,
We write to confirm that you retired from the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards on 1st March 2001 at the rank of Lt Colonel, having been commissioned into the British Army at Edinburgh Castle as a 2nd Lieutenant on 1st February 1366.
Accordingly your lump sum payment, based on years served, has been calculated as ?68,500. You will receive a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely
Army Paymaster”
Colonel Maclaren replied;
“Dear Paymaster,
Thank you for your recent letter confirming that I served as an officer in the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards between 1st February 1366 and 1st March 2001 – a total period of 635 years and 1 month.
I note however that you have calculated my lump sum to be ?68, 500, which seems to be considerably less than it should be bearing in mind my length of service since I received my commission from King Edward III.
By my calculation, allowing for interest payments and currency fluctuations, my lump sum should actually be ?6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
I look forward to receiving a cheque for this amount in due course.
Yours sincerely,
Robert Maclaren (Lt Col Retd)”
A month passed by and then in early April, a stout manilla envelope from the Ministry of Defence in Edinburgh dropped through Col. Maclaren’s letter box, it read:
“Dear Lt Colonel Maclaren,
We have reviewed the circumstances of your case as outlined in your recent letter to us dated 8th March inst. We do indeed confirm that you were commissioned into the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards by King Edward III at Edinburgh Castle on 1st February 1366, and that you served continuously for the following 635 years and 1 month.
We have re-calculated your pension and have pleasure in confirming that the lump sum payment due to you is indeed ?6, 427, 586, 619. 47p.
However, we also note that according to our records you are the only surviving officer who had command responsibility during the following campaigns and battles;
The Wars of the Roses 1455 -1485 (Including the battles of Bosworth Field, Barnet and Towton) The Civil War 1642 -1651 (Including the battles Edge Hill, Naseby and the conquest of Ireland) The Napoleonic War 1803 – 1815 (including the battle of Waterloo and the Peninsular War) The Crimean War (1853 – 1856) (including the battle of Sevastopol and the Charge of the Light Brigade) The Boer War (1899 -1902) World War One (1914-1918).
We would therefore wish to know what happened to the following, which do not appear to have been returned to Stores by you on completion of operations:
9765 Cannons
26,785 Swords
12,889 Pikes
127,345 Rifles (with bayonets)
28,987 horses (fully kitted
Plus three complete marching bands with instruments and banners.
We have calculated the total cost of these items and they amount to ?6,427,518.119.47p.
We have therefore subtracted this sum from your lump sum, leaving a residual amount of ?68,500, for which you will receive a cheque in due course.
Yours sincerely . . . .”
������
" OUCH !"
I laughed and laughed. I spilled my coffee ... TWICE. This is about a ten year-old post and it's Tip Top!Quote:
Originally Posted by stodg73
The Denver Zoo has an immediate opening for help in their Elephant house. You would be assisting in circumcising bull Elephants, the pay isn't great but the tips are huge!