Joke of the Day

My New Job:

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American Flag duct-taped to the bumper of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Damn; that could have been me!"


So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

OH YEAH!

My first drink with my son.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Harp Lager, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Murphy’s Irish Red, and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

http://img.tapatalk.com/d/14/09/13/a3u5u3ym.jpg

This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”


He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”

BULLETIN: 


This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned our country that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt , Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. 
 If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. 
 
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents. 
 
It's gonna get ugly, people. 

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...
https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/dow...ppid=yahoomail
Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."




https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/dow...ppid=yahoomail
Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."




https://us-mg6.mail.yahoo.com/ya/dow...ppid=yahoomail
Old White River Tom, the cowboy from Nebraska, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his pecker...

" Go Big Red "

12 REASONS TO VOTE DEMOCRAT

When your family or friends cannot explain why they voted Democrat, give them this list.
Then they can then pick a reason from this "TOP 12"...

1. I voted Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

2. I voted Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

3. I voted Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

4. I voted Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

5. I voted Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers, rapists and thieves.

6. I voted Democrat because I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

7. I voted Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted, so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

8. I voted Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take away the Social Security from those who paid into it.

9. I voted Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrats see fit.

10. I voted Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.

11. I voted Democrat because I think that it's better to pay billions to people who hate us for their oil, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher or fish.

12. I voted Democrat because my head is so firmly planted up my ass, it's unlikely that I'll ever have another point of view.

Where the "N" stands for knowledge!