Originally Posted by
Dingo
Eh, I expected this would touch off a few tempers based on people's own upbringings. I've got thick skin - I respect honesty more than anything else, so I'm not resentful. I think some of it was good for me to hear. I may not be a full-blown, can't-live-without-booze alcoholic, but I realized after that incident with the kid offering me a drink, that it's pathetic to use alcohol as a crutch like I do. Maybe I should elaborate a bit on my original post - it's true, I can't stand kids of any age, but I don't feel that way about these three. Even though I was still in a frat-boy mentality when I married her, I made a promise to her and to myself that I would never make the kids feel unwanted, or like they were somehow "getting in the way". I didn't want to drive a wedge between her and them. And she did do a damn good job of raising them, in my opinion. I think all things considered, I have a pretty good relationship with them. The elder two are from a different dad, and they've attached themselves to me early on. I help them with homework, play catch, hound them about chores, explain/debate news stories, take the boy shooting (yes, sober... don't everybody all freak out at once), and am getting a jumpstart on driving with the 14 y/o (again... yes, sober). All the typical stuff. The younger one has a dad that's still very active in his life, and pretty much is indifferent toward me.
I'm not a strict disciplinarian (except that they show me, their mom, and each other respect in all situations), and I've told them that basically all I expect is that they follow the same rules that their mom has established, even when it's only me around. My only cardinal rules are to be quiet when I'm sleeping (I work weekend nights), and to stay out of my man cave (except on special occasions where we order pizza and play pool). My failing isn't in my relationship with them - it's in my current poor example as a role model. I've already made the decision to stop drinking this coming week. That part won't be particularly difficult for me - like I said, I don't have an addictive personality. My struggle is that while I know that I have a new role to fill now, the old life is hard not to miss a lot of the time. I know what I'm like when I get around other women and start drinking, so I've self-limited my social contact to hanging out with my brothers. So essentially with her in school, I've become Dad, Mom, chef, principal, maid, and butler. And adding the financial stress in on top of that, it's hard not to look back on the carefree days with some longing. When the resentment and irritation builds, alcohol has been an immediate fix. It's just gotten out of hand. Without that, I'm going to need something that helps me get in the mindset of enjoying being all those things.
I already have an active relationship with them, and do things that a "normal" dad would. What I'm looking for advice on, is how some of the "successful" stepdads out there have mentally made the transition into deriving enjoyment from the situation, and for lack of a better term, "growing up". While I appreciate that lots of folks out there had stepdads that sucked, telling me to "just do it" is not helpful. If it were that simple, I would have done it already. And to answer a previous poster, yes, I am a Christian, albeit a checkered example as my previous post showed. That's simultaneously where I believe my conviction on becoming a good role model is coming from, and also where I'm going to have to draw strength and inspiration from as I struggle to acheive that.
