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I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
A duck was about to cross the road, and a chicken came running up to him saying, "Don't do it man, you'll never hear the end of it!"
I was walking through the mall , and went into a Muslim Bookshop.
The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.
The Muslim Clerk said "Fuck Off, Get out, And Stay Out".
I said, "Yes, that's the one".
My Dad asked me last night why I
carry my 1911 in the house, what am I
afraid of? I looked him straight in the
eye and said, "The Goddamn
Decepticons." He laughed, I laughed,
the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster.
It was a good time.
FINANCIAL PLANNING IN THESE PRESSING TIMES
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and a week later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
A new sign at Wal-Mart
https://web.mail.comcast.net/service...62420&part=2.2
Our society is doomed..............
Pic no worky...Quote:
Originally Posted by BladesNBarrels
A little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from Grandma."