Couple of jokes/funny stories

These have both been around for a few years but are a couple of my favorites.



A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest; The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser; The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home and loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button; Nothing.

I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs; AWESOME!!! (Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave...)

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inchs long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best......

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipbababooey', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again!!! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative! (SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!)

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.


Apparently I bababooey myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.



The electric fence & lawn mower...
>
> If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one
> you should read this.
> The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without
> cursing.
> If you don't laugh hysterically at this, ...CHECK YOUR PULSE... this
> is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.
>
>
> We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
> ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
> city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
> and ran a single wire along the top of the fence...
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
> for 2 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
> it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
> you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
> wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
> knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
> around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
> way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
> hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
> the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
> an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
> side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
> lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
> Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
> was literally at one with the engine...
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of poop lawnmower
> were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses...
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
> to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
> 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
> of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
> back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
> there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
> it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
> the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
> can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences
> ... but Dad always had those piece of poop chargers made by
> International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
> tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
> accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
> bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
> up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think,
> as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
> loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
> it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
> God please let it die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into
> the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
> roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right
> foot.
>
> So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
> standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
> me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
> the misery my own stupidity had created.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire..... I woke up
> laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of
> gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
> large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another
> long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
> the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
> 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
> cheek (not the left, just the right).
> 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
> as you might think.
> 4 - My left eye will not open.
> 5 - My right eye will not close.
> 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
> little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
> it was better than new after that.
> 7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
> long...
> 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
> the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
> make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
> can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
> gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
> triple check before I mow.

those are great[Beer]

Cute, Thanks for the laugh.[ROFL2]

My father in law sent me this, don't kno if its true or not but funny.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 2 01:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Best of Craigslist is always hillarious. here is my favourite

Originally Posted: Thu, 26 Jun 10:36 CDT
To the Minotaur that lives above me.

Date: 2008-06-26, 10:36AM CDT

First off, I must say that I admire your courage. It must be hard living in the world today as a lady-beast. Society judges, oh lord do they ever.

With that said, let�s get down to business. Over the past year, we've had a funny sort of relationship, you and I. When I first moved into the place, it was rather peaceful. It was an exciting time in my life, as it was the first time I would be living by myself. Then came the day that I first heard it. What did I hear you ask? It was sound of your hooves galloping across the hardwood floors of your living room. At the time I thought, �No big deal, surely it can�t always be like this.� Oh was I wrong. It turned out that every time I was at home, you would be up there, stomping around, like the wild lady-beast that you are.

After a few weeks, I determined through a process of elimination, that you are in fact, a Minotaur. It only makes sense.

FACT. Minotaurs have hooves, and that�s sure as hell what it sounds like is hitting the floor when you gallop around.

FACT. A Minotaur posses great strength, the kind of strength that can be felt by a guy laying on his couch, trying to get into a good book. The kind of strength that shakes the dishes in his cupboards. The kind of strength that can wake a guy out of a dead sleep, EVERY FRICKIN MORNING. I didn�t even need to set an alarm clock to wake up in the morning. Instead I wake up to THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. THUMP THUMP THUMP. I�m not a light sleeper by any means; I sleep right through the viscously loud police, fire truck, and ambulance sirens every night. I was lying there one morning, frustrated, counting the trips you took between your bedroom and your bathroom. 17. 17 god forsaken trips between the bedroom and the bathroom. Really? Are you kidding me? What could you possibly be doing?

FACT. Minotaurs are half bull. Bulls are aggressive when taunted. Apparently, the time I went upstairs, politely introduced myself, and asked you rather nicely to please quit stomping around, was a taunt. That�s when you got aggressive. You called the landlord and told him that I was complaining about your noise. When he told me about this, he said his response to your complaint was, �Quit making so much noise then.� Brilliant. Go Mr. Landlord! I tried keeping him out of this, but you felt it important to drag him into it.

After a few more weeks of you recklessly stomping around, I made another attempt at a civil confrontation. It failed. It failed because you stomped your way to the door, and you didn�t open it when you saw who was standing there. I know this because I heard your hooves clippity-clop their way to the door. Way to avoid confrontation.

To my surprise, the stomping ceased the next day, and I awoke to peace. �Amazing,� I thought, �It must be a midsummer miracle!!� A few days passed, and I ran into my landlord in the entry way. He mentioned that he received another angry phone call from you. Said that you felt threatened by my confrontations, said I scared you. Strange, since not once did I ever raise my voice or try to be anything but civil. He then mentioned that he told you to buy some slippers to wear around your apartment. Genius! It freakin worked!! Hell yea, Mr Landlord! High five!

Fast forward 11 months. The stomping has returned. No doubt in my mind the hooves have worn through the delicate fabrics of the slippers and are now, once again, banging against your hardwood floors.

Please, for the love of sweet baby jesus, run down to the local Target and purchase yourself another pair of hoof mufflers. I know you can run with those strong legs of yours, probably real fast like! Target downtown is all of 10 blocks away. Go Minotaur, go! Overcome the odds, society is watching! (and judging)

Here's one my wife sent me.

UPS Air Cargo

Just in case you need a laugh:





Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'SQUAK sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the squawk sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.*P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious..
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.












And the best one for last











P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.S: Took hammer away from midget.

Love that one. Been floating around for a few years with a different airline listed, but still funny as hell

That plane one is usually posted as the Austrian Airline or something.

[rofl2]lmfao!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stuart

That plane one is usually posted as the Austrian Airline or something.

---

Yeah, normally it's Quantas (Australian)

[Beer]


Texas Declares War on the USA

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama " a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at the Joe's Crab Shack in Houston, Texas. I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole darn team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. " President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harold's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Archie, "l'll have at call you back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."

TEXAS CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN