(Disclaimer: Before reading grab a bag of chips and a beverage and get comfortable)

Hello Pals and Gals,

I would like to preface this rant by stating that I have been riding motorcycles since I was a wee lad. I have owned several types of motorcycles, and for several years I didn't own anything with more than two wheels. It was common for me to log about 10K miles a year, most of which was in city traffic with little highway use. I know those numbers aren't jaw dropping, but it helps to establish that I am not some regular asshole who bought a "fox" t shirt then started calling myself a dirt bike rider. I would also like to add that this rant will likely upset some of you for various reasons.

It all began this summer. I was in the depth of a the longest dry spell I had gone in my life without a motorcycle, nearly 8 months. Now, I am a family man, two kids, wife, gainfully employed, but certainly not rich. I finally snapped and begged my very beautiful, very accommodating and loving young wife to allow me to purchase a motorcycle. We didn't have too much money, but she had saved $3,000 of her OWN money and she offered to use it towards the purchase of a brand new motorcycle. What a wonderful world I was living in.

I used to ride dual sports because I loved the ability to go anywhere and explore the earth. Then I started riding sport bikes, and was thrilled by the raw performance of those wonderfully engineered machines. With our new geographic location being set between two 40 miles stretches of road to get to anything worth being at, I thought perhaps a cruiser is more in line with what I need. Yeah, that's it, something comfortable, with a good passenger seat for my aforementioned perfect wife. (she really is that awesome) I'm turning 31 in a few days, and she isn't any younger than when we met so I thought, sure, a cruiser, that's the responsible thing to do. It would certainly be more comfortable for her, and she deserves it! She once troopered her way from Las Vegas, NV to Colorado on the back of a crotch rocket with a 40lb backpack strapped to her back. Yeah... a cruiser, that will be awesome!

So now we're after a cruiser, where to turn? Where else but Honda? Why, some of the best motorcycles I've owned have been Hondas, from the 1969 50cc Mini Trail I learned on when I was a kid, to the 2004 599 I loved when I lived in Las Vegas. Ever reliable, well built, refined and elegant. A Honda...FUCK YEAH! So, lets check out the Honda cruiser line, I thought. Then I stumbled upon it, there she was! A 2014 Honda Fury, in all her black and chromed glory. Lean, low, menacing. So we set out to find one, and we soon did and the Honda dealership in Pueblo West (not going to knock them, they gave us great service, highly recommend them as a dealership). We found a brand new 2013 Fury with 0 miles on her and black as black can be. We bought it. My first cruiser.

Fast forward a few months to present day, now that all of the "my shiny new bike is soooo badass" has worn off and what are we left with? Just a few, glaringly obvious facts that I cannot ignore... and I will present them to you now. Some of you will hate me for it, some of you will try to argue and say that I am wrong. If you search your feelings, you will find what I say to be true. This will apply to all bikes, not just the one I now have decorating my living room.

Hard Fact of Life #1: CRUISERS PERFORM IN THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS! Yes, even your super awesome cruiser. They suck..... let that sink in.... CRUISERS SUCK .... smell it, taste the aromas, and accept it. I will now expand on this concept and give you the "why".
Reason 1: They do nothing well. They don't corner well (pegs grind at far less than extreme angles.), They aren't fast (before you start with "screaming eagle" this and "cubic inch" that, just stop. They aren't. The ones that are quick in the straight line are all but dedicated drag bikes and modified beyond any sort of practical use, and the suspension can't support high speeds sustained, esp though corners), They don't stop well (nowhere near the braking power of a sport bike), they aren't as stable at slow speeds, they have very limited ground clearance. There are two things that a cruiser has, comfort and they can go in a straight line. Every bike can go in a straight line, so lets look at this comfort factor, they have nothing a Goldwing doesn't, so they lose here too, not to mention BMW and several other manufactures make bikes that kick every cruiser's ass in the creature comfort world.

Hard Fact of Life #2: THE ONLY REASON TO OWN ONE IS TO LOOK COOL! Its like having a $10,000 Affliction T-Shirt. It doesn't do anything a plane T shirt does, other than tell chicks that your a "tough guy". They're loud, and flashy. If you try to justify this by saying, "I just like to tour the open road man", then get a touring bike, it WILL do it better, I assure you, with things like traction control, adjustable dampening shocks and fly by wire controls. If you try and justify them by saying "I just need something to get around town", then buy a naked bike, or a street fighter, or a dual sport, all can accomplish this easy task, and on most you have a higher seat high so you can see around traffic better, and their more maneuverable. But wait... then everyone will know you have a little penis, better fool them buy buying the loudest bike you can with chrome and get a couple of tattoos while your at it.

Hard Fact of Life #3: THE CRUISER CROWD ARE DIM WITTED AMATEURS! Having spent a few months unfortunately lumped in with them, I am no impressed. As all riders know, when you ride bikes, you meet other riders and conversations follow, usually about bikes. When I used to ride sport bikes, I would often find myself with people discussing such things as proper riding position, weight distribution, maximizing braking force while maintaining traction, tire compounds and designs, gear and other ways to fine tune the art of going fast safely with with great efficiency. When I rode dual sports I would find myself discussing, yet again, riding techniques, what tires work good in what conditions and would share great and challenging locations to ride and trails to conquer. EVERY encounter I've had with a fellow cruiser rider has had one thing in common... not all conversation was the same but at some point, they all bring this up... pipes. Yes, pipes. "I have (insert bullshit pipe brand here) on my bike, they sound great". Never once has anyone said anything remotely close to "hey, I was reading the other day about the use of the front brake into a corner and how..." or "have you seen the new (insert bike here) it weighs XXX lbs and has XXX ft lb of torque. It's always that bike LOOKS bad ass! or That back SOUNDS killer. Basically it all revolves around "I did such and such to make more people look at my bike" or "if i had such and such bike more people would think it was cool". I swear on all that is holy if I hear the word "pipes" one more fuc(*#ng time I'm going to lose my mind.

All and all I have summed it up to one...just ONE justifiable reason to own a cruiser other than looking cool or being noticed. The reason is..... *drum roll* .... you are either too fat, or too short, or a combination of both to be able to fit on a proper touring, sport, or off road machine. Sorry guys. There is NOTHING your cruiser can do, that another machine can't do better.

Someone is going to respond with "but my Harley" , please don't. Of all the bikes to try and justify, that one you just cannot. They're shit. Absolute, total overpriced shit. One surefire way to let the world you know fuck-all about motorcycles, show up on a Harley.

/Rant

Now I'm left here, hoping to god that the 2,000 miles I put on her didn't depreciate it too much and that I can trade into a machine worthy of my adoration. I'm a certified DUMB ASS sometimes. Can't believe I bought this thing. For a cruiser, its bad ass... fuel injection, starts every time, rides smooth, has a great headlight, but at the end of the day its still a cruiser, and you can't un-bolt that a ride on. It is pretty as fuck though.