Advice from all the fathers out there!

[lex137]

So my daughter is a almost 7 months old and tonight she cried for over an hour while I was trying to feed and put her to sleep, finally my wife stepped in and within 10 min she ate her bottle and fell asleep! I'm not going to pretend that I am a great dad or even a decent one, I realized that I need to put her to bed more than once in a blue moon. My wife let me get away with this because she no longer has to work, but she is now drained and needs help, which I am more than willing to do if she asks and there is the problem. I guess I am not intelligent or have the common sense to help out more, so I was hoping I could get some advice from some of the dads, stepdads, ext. If you could go back what would you help more with? I guess I'm just looking for suggestions to be a better father, and help the wife. I did a search on this subject, but not extensively and found nothing, so if there is already a thread started let me know, if not thanks for any advice. Thank you guys again!

[Irving]

I have the same problem. My wife can scream at our daughter all day long, and the kids lets it roll off her back. If I yell at her a little bit, she gets angry and is mad for an hour. It's all about time spent. Spend more time together, even a little at a time. When my wife isn't around, I can do everything with my daughter and she helps me and we are as thick as thieves. When Mom is around, kid goes to her, and I let mom do everything. This means that wife doesn't believe I'm capable of anything (I'm not when she's around) and kid doesn't hardly bother to ask me stuff if mom is around. It's a weird dynamic that sounds worse explaining than it really is. I think even starting to put kid to bed by reading to her for a few minutes every night is a good way to start. Even if mom has to come in and be the closer for the first few weeks, you have to start some where and that is as good a place as any. Good luck.

[al_g]

I have the same problem. My wife can scream at our daughter all day long, and the kids lets it roll off her back. If I yell at her a little bit, she gets angry and is mad for an hour. It's all about time spent. Spend more time together, even a little at a time. When my wife isn't around, I can do everything with my daughter and she helps me and we are as thick as thieves. When Mom is around, kid goes to her, and I let mom do everything. This means that wife doesn't believe I'm capable of anything (I'm not when she's around) and kid doesn't hardly bother to ask me stuff if mom is around. It's a weird dynamic that sounds worse explaining than it really is. I think even starting to put kid to bed by reading to her for a few minutes every night is a good way to start. Even if mom has to come in and be the closer for the first few weeks, you have to start some where and that is as good a place as any. Good luck.

Our son is just over three months and this already mirrors my experience. I've told my wife test I should video tape me and our son when she isn't in the house. Things are so much smoother.

On the same topic I've noticed that at times we get into a three way negative feedback loop. My wife is getting better or maybe I'm getting better but at first it was real common for her to make comments when I did things differently than her, or other nonverbal signals. I'd get nervous, which meant our son got fussy, and things just kept escalating.


One thing I'd do differently is take our son from her more, I was doing the majority of the house chores. Which may sound great, but it meant she did almost everything with him the first month. I didn't realize that she wanted me to do note directly with our son.

[driver]

When I lived with my ex and helped her raise her son I always focused on the kitchen. I like to cook and honestly kept it cleaner than she would have. Whatever you do be consistent. When she got used to something being taken care of by me and then I skipped it she would freak out cause it threw her all off then.

[killianak9]

First off congrats
The biggest thing with our family was me giving wifey a break. That could be as little as an hour or ever 4. Take your daughter after feeding time and play, read, whatever!
Try to learn the routine of the day when you are home and dedicate that time for you and baby.
Helpful for the wife is ALONE time,
Plan for her to have time to herself to do what ever, get her nails done, go food shopping, meet her friends for happy hour, sleep, ect...
My wife was part of a mommy group that met once a month or so to ( insert whatever they do). Happy wife is happy life.. Simple shit like run the dish washer and vacuuming, tidy up after the kiddo.
That's what's worked for us! We have two girls 2& 9mo. My hot rod and gun addition is non issue, as it shouldn't be.

[Irving]

When I lived with my ex and helped her raise her son I always focused on the kitchen. I like to cook and honestly kept it cleaner than she would have. Whatever you do be consistent. When she got used to something being taken care of by me and then I skipped it she would freak out cause it threw her all off then.

We're the same way. When I don't do what I usually do, it's a big deal for her. Same as when she doesn't do what she does. Even without doing it on purpose, you become a team and start to rely on each other.

First off congrats
The biggest thing with our family was me giving wifey a break. That could be as little as an hour or ever 4. Take your daughter after feeding time and play, read, whatever!
Try to learn the routine of the day when you are home and dedicate that time for you and baby.
Helpful for the wife is ALONE time,
Plan for her to have time to herself to do what ever, get her nails done, go food shopping, meet her friends for happy hour, sleep, ect...
My wife was part of a mommy group that met once a month or so to ( insert whatever they do). Happy wife is happy life.. Simple shit like run the dish washer and vacuuming, tidy up after the kiddo.
That's what's worked for us! We have two girls 2& 9mo. My hot rod and gun addition is non issue, as it shouldn't be.

I would always get into trouble for not being able to engage the kiddo for long enough for wife to do her thing. Not as big of a deal now that she's older, but I remember wife trying to work out in the other room and coming to yell at me because something I did made the baby cry and she would go run to mom. Or more likely, I'd get caught up on here and not engage and baby would end up where ever mom was. Again, not as difficult to manage now, but something to keep in mind. We all fall into a routine and it can be difficult to break out of it, but family is worth it.

[killianak9]

We're the same way. When I don't do what I usually do, it's a big deal for her. Same as when she doesn't do what she does. Even without doing it on purpose, you become a team and start to rely on each other.



I would always get into trouble for not being able to engage the kiddo for long enough for wife to do her thing. Not as big of a deal now that she's older, but I remember wife trying to work out in the other room and coming to yell at me because something I did made the baby cry and she would go run to mom. Or more likely, I'd get caught up on here and not engage and baby would end up where ever mom was. Again, not as difficult to manage now, but something to keep in mind. We all fall into a routine and it can be difficult to break out of it, but family is worth it.

100% agree man. That was me with our first kid. Our two year old could careless ( that just started in the last two months ) but your right the baby till that age, she is a shadow. All they want to do is learn and be with Ya.
My wife travels for works and I have a home business, so I have been really lucky to raise our kids and be with them ALOT. We are very lucky/blessed to be able to not have either kid in day care and home with us this long!

[Big John]

So my daughter is a almost 7 months old and tonight she cried for over an hour while I was trying to feed and put her to sleep, finally my wife stepped in and within 10 min she ate her bottle and fell asleep! I'm not going to pretend that I am a great dad or even a decent one, I realized that I need to put her to bed more than once in a blue moon. My wife let me get away with this because she no longer has to work, but she is now drained and needs help, which I am more than willing to do if she asks and there is the problem. I guess I am not intelligent or have the common sense to help out more, so I was hoping I could get some advice from some of the dads, stepdads, ext. If you could go back what would you help more with? I guess I'm just looking for suggestions to be a better father, and help the wife. I did a search on this subject, but not extensively and found nothing, so if there is already a thread started let me know, if not thanks for any advice. Thank you guys again!

Make sure that if you get upset during these trying times to put the baby down and walk away for a minute or ten. Crying in general will not hurt the baby.

I went through this with my middle boy about 17 years ago. Mom needed sleep and he just wasn't having any of it. It got to the point that I was literally pissed at him (and her). I put him down and walked down the street till I could not hear that damn crying anymore. While this wasn't far, maybe a house or two. It was enough for me to get my shit together and come back calm and I got him to sleep.

From now on, treat these situations like any other "manly" thing you might do. You wouldn't let the wife butt in while you were fixing the widget that you just can't get fixed and is pissing you off. Treat this the same way and I promise you will thank me later when the wife has zero control over the kids and you walk in the door and everything straightens up.

New to parenting is a hard road. Hell, I'm 25 years into it and it's still hard in many ways. Just because certain things aren't working the way you had envisioned, doesn't make you a bad dad or not intelligent, IMO. You have your own stresses of working, coming home tired, then the moment you get home and want to relax or whatever... There are people that have been there all day that have very different plans for you. For me this brought the suck as I worked two jobs to keep things afloat and could not understand why this evil witch I married wanted me to go back to work when I got home.

Your family will find a balance. You have already realized that you need to do more. Figure out what works for you. I figured out that bed time was a good niche for me. I think I gave off the manly vibe that I wasn't going to take any shit and it's bed time. I also had a system for making bottles that was way faster than the wife so I did that as well. It's been a long time, so I can't remember it all, but I'm sure you get the point.

I'm trying not to write a damn book here so... Hang in there. There are no instructions that come with these little humans. You will make mistakes. But, you will also do some very cool things and get the joy of watching them grow.

[lex137]

Thanks you guys very much! I am going to be more consistent and put her to sleep more often, the wife and I will figure out time when the baby and I can be alone and the wife can do her thing. I thank you all again! This will be a good start to a long road. I hope this also helps anyone else that may read this thread.

[glock21]

When my first daughter was born my wife was so scared to hurt her that I ended up doing everything for my daughter. I had patience with my wife and taught her so much. It was easy for me to do everything for my daughter. With out second one she was a daddy's girl from the start. Now they are both older and both want to be with mommy every waking minute that I have to take my girks kicking and screaming just to give mom a break and it's usually to take a nap or paint her nails. All she's ever asked from me is to play with the kids, pick up my dirty dishes and throw the trash. You need to give yourself more credit on being a great dad.