Eldery mother wants to get a gun...... Advice needed

[Chad4000]

Have you had a heart-to-heart with her? Is she an alcoholic, or does she have a glass of wine with dinner? (That's a prying question, and you don't have to answer it. I think it's important to consider.)

This certainly is a tough one. I'm sure there are guys that are everyday drinkers that have these issues as well. Not a good combination, no matter who it is.
Did something happen to set this off in her head? Does she have concerns. or is she fixating on having a gun? Does she have anything as far as a security system (I'm talking cameras, or a panic button in case she falls) and how often do you check on her?

Without knowing the answers, I'd say that you need to lay down some rules. If she wants a gun, that's fine., providing:

If she gets a gun, she needs a gun safe that same day.
She trains weekly, with you.
But the days your child is at her house are the days that her gun goes with YOU. Booze, a child and a gun in the same house do not mix.
If she wants you to go with her to pick out a gun, that day she does not drink. Not a drop.

My parents are in this age group. There comes a time that we, the children, begin watching out for them. It's okay. You can do this. Just talk with her and let her know your concerns, and see what her concerns are.

great response. thank you for taking the time to write all that...

shes an alcoholic. period. she doesnt admit to it. and as far as Im concerned, shes old, shes allowed, and it'll kill her someday. Ive seen her crack beers at 10am. she could put down a case by herself easy. (and thanks for going easy on her guys/gals... )

I am over there probably every 3 days or so. and usually one full day on the weekends. she is fixated on a gun specifically. she was saying the other day "how stupid it is to be an NRA member and not even have a gun!". my whole family is acutely aware of protection and whatnot, news etc. there wasn't some specific concern like a break in or something that has pushed this. no security system.

[RblDiver]

Well, as harsh as it sounds, one of the most important questions which you somewhat addressed: Would you feel safe leaving your child alone with her, knowing that she both drinks and has a gun? If the answer is no, then there's your answer. If she insists, then even though it may cause damage to your relationship, I think the best course of action would be to have a frank discussion with her. You would tell her that her drinking in and of itself is a concern, but combining it with a young child and a loaded firearm, you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving your child there with her. If she insists on getting a loaded and fire-capable gun, then you should insist on not taking your kid to stay with Grandma. Suggest alternatives like those discussed above, taser (though again with a young child that may be a risk I would think), bars, fake gun, etc. But in the end, your kid comes before your mom.

[TheGrey]

great response. thank you for taking the time to write all that...

shes an alcoholic. period. she doesnt admit to it. and as far as Im concerned, shes old, shes allowed, and it'll kill her someday. Ive seen her crack beers at 10am. she could put down a case by herself easy. (and thanks for going easy on her guys/gals... )

I am over there probably every 3 days or so. and usually one full day on the weekends. she is fixated on a gun specifically. she was saying the other day "how stupid it is to be an NRA member and not even have a gun!". my whole family is acutely aware of protection and whatnot, news etc. there wasn't some specific concern like a break in or something that has pushed this. no security system.

Okay. Thanks for the additional info.

What I would suggest is to first take her to a range that rents guns ("lots of different guns, Mom. Let's see what fits in your hands and feels comfortable.") Tell her that she can't drink before you go to the range. I'm hoping she will see how badly she needs to practice. If she's fixated on guns, at least you can help draw things out and make her consider safety issues. Ask her point blank questions: What will she do if she hears someone breaking in? What will she do if she comes into a room to check on our 4-year old and he's got the box of ammo and is playing with the bullets? Where will she keep the gun? What other security measures does she plan on taking? Etc. Don't pull punches when it comes to your child's safety. Ask those questions.

[hobowh]

I feel for you my dad was the same way till he went to jail for vehicular manslaughter. Best bet is a non Carry piece, as bad decisions could be made and laws broken just carrying it under the influence. Maybe start her out with 1 of the kimber pepper spray guns or a big 12 as mentioned above.

[Chad4000]

Well, as harsh as it sounds, one of the most important questions which you somewhat addressed: Would you feel safe leaving your child alone with her, knowing that she both drinks and has a gun? If the answer is no, then there's your answer. If she insists, then even though it may cause damage to your relationship, I think the best course of action would be to have a frank discussion with her. You would tell her that her drinking in and of itself is a concern, but combining it with a young child and a loaded firearm, you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving your child there with her. If she insists on getting a loaded and fire-capable gun, then you should insist on not taking your kid to stay with Grandma. Suggest alternatives like those discussed above, taser (though again with a young child that may be a risk I would think), bars, fake gun, etc. But in the end, your kid comes before your mom.

absolutely... And that day will come. Hopefully very soon where I dont need to use "free" daycare and I can have my boy somewhere else. I want my mom in his life, but like you guys have pointed out, just the drinking alone is a concern when watching kids. (she does take it "easy" when she has him but still).

[Chad4000]

Okay. Thanks for the additional info.

What I would suggest is to first take her to a range that rents guns ("lots of different guns, Mom. Let's see what fits in your hands and feels comfortable.") Tell her that she can't drink before you go to the range. I'm hoping she will see how badly she needs to practice. If she's fixated on guns, at least you can help draw things out and make her consider safety issues. Ask her point blank questions: What will she do if she hears someone breaking in? What will she do if she comes into a room to check on our 4-year old and he's got the box of ammo and is playing with the bullets? Where will she keep the gun? What other security measures does she plan on taking? Etc. Don't pull punches when it comes to your child's safety. Ask those questions.

I was thinking that same thing too... She hasn't shot a gun since at least before I was born. Maybe her just shooting a gun will wake her up to the entire thing a bit more....

[StagLefty]

There is absolutely a safety issue here with the alcohol/gun and a child involved. I speak as a senior ex-alcoholic and I believe she needs a heart to heart talk with. One of my favorite quotes comes from a Training Counselor I had the privilege of being a student of " when it comes to safety,you don't have the right to remain silent". GL

[Chad4000]

There is absolutely a safety issue here with the alcohol/gun and a child involved. I speak as a senior ex-alcoholic and I believe she needs a heart to heart talk with. One of my favorite quotes comes from a Training Counselor I had the privilege of being a student of " when it comes to safety,you don't have the right to remain silent". GL

Thank you for the post.. taken to heart.

[JohnnyEgo]

Should the Jehovah's Witnesses or the UPS Guy be worried?
I.E. between her self-medication, the typical effects of aging, and any psychological scarring, how comfortable are you that she would be able to truly identify a threat and react in a proportional manner? Wouldn't want to risk popping a teenager who wandered into her yard to retrieve a Frisbee or something similar.

At the end of the day, if she is of sufficient mind and body to legally possess a firearm, there is not much you can do to stop her. If she is a danger to herself and others, you could consider trying to have her declared legally incompetent, but that is an action that can have far reaching effects. So my advice would be to assess the situation as others have suggested, and take the course of action that poses the least potential for risk to your mother and those around her. If you feel she should not own a gun, you may not be able to talk her out of it, but that doesn't mean you have to enable her choices.

When my grandfather turned 90, signs of dementia started showing up. At that point, we convinced him to dispose of some of his guns as 'gifts' to the family to avoid the tax implications, even though the entirety of his estate is well within the estate tax deduction. We allowed him to keep his service pistol up to the point where he required the services of a long term care facility for the dementia, but we took away all of the bullets. None of these were fun conversations, but they were necessary for the safety of himself, his in-home service providers, and the public at large.

[Chad4000]

Should the Jehovah's Witnesses or the UPS Guy be worried?
I.E. between her self-medication, the typical effects of aging, and any psychological scarring, how comfortable are you that she would be able to truly identify a threat and react in a proportional manner? Wouldn't want to risk popping a teenager who wandered into her yard to retrieve a Frisbee or something similar.

At the end of the day, if she is of sufficient mind and body to legally possess a firearm, there is not much you can do to stop her. If she is a danger to herself and others, you could consider trying to have her declared legally incompetent, but that is an action that can have far reaching effects. So my advice would be to assess the situation as others have suggested, and take the course of action that poses the least potential for risk to your mother and those around her. If you feel she should not own a gun, you may not be able to talk her out of it, but that doesn't mean you have to enable her choices.

When my grandfather turned 90, signs of dementia started showing up. At that point, we convinced him to dispose of some of his guns as 'gifts' to the family to avoid the tax implications, even though the entirety of his estate is well within the estate tax deduction. We allowed him to keep his service pistol up to the point where he required the services of a long term care facility for the dementia, but we took away all of the bullets. None of these were fun conversations, but they were necessary for the safety of himself, his in-home service providers, and the public at large.

Yeah we kind of got lucky with my dad.. As he was getting worse, he decided himself not to drive anymore. he decided that he couldn't be in "control" of the guns in the house anymore (hence him asking me to take them).. he was very aware that he was slowing down and it made it easy on the rest of us to help him transition into that part of life.

I think my mom will be kicking and screaming lol