Friday humor

[theGinsue]

Love it!

[sabot_round]

A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00." The man thought about
it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here over 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[ronaldrwl]

HaHa, good one

[Irving]

So a lady brings her pet duck to the vet. She tells the doctor, "hello, I am pretty sure that my duck is dead, but I would like you to take a look at him and make sure." The doctor says he will, takes out his stethoscope and puts it on various places on the duck. He says, "I'm sorry ma'am, your duck appears to be dead."

She asks, "Is there just one more test you can do to be absolutely sure?" The doctor again agrees and goes and summons his dog. The Labrador Retriever comes into the office, looks at the duck, gives it a sniff, looks at the doctor with sad eyes and gives one single bark before he leaves the room.

The doctor then brings the office cat into the room. The cat looks at the duck, smells the duck, looks at the doctor with sad eyes and gives one single meow before leaving the room.

The doctor says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but this duck is dead, and I'm 100% sure at this point. Let me write you up a bill." The doctor hands the bill to the woman and she says, "But how can this have cost me $150?" The doctor replies, "Well it was $100 for the Lab test and another $50 for the CAT scan."

[funkfool]

Stuart:

[Irving]

I was born during an episode of Tom and Jerry.

[Irving]

I found this list I posted on another site back in 2004.

40 Things You'll Never Hear a Southerner Say...

40. Oh I just couldn't; she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

[theGinsue]

A buddy of mine has recently found himself back in the dating scene and has shared some insight with me.

After his first 3 failed dating relationships, he told me that women just want security. In fact, all 3 dates ended within 1/2 an hour when the women suddenly started screaming "SECURITY!"

[funkfool]

Well - it isn't Friday... but...

Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

[theGinsue]

Very nice - My boss is gonna love that one.

ETA: My boss, a devout Catholic, HATED that one!