Divorce agreement...

[two shoes]

Had to share...

DIVORCE AGREEMENT

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.... I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sureour two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. We'll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and you can go with wind, solar and biodiesel. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickledown economics and you can continue to give trickle up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P. S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheen, Barbara Streisand, &Jane Fondawith you.

P. S. S. And you won't have to press 1 for English when you call our country.

[mitch]

Ok, lets stir the pot with more stereotypes. Woohoo!


Since all the Conservative government leaders will be busy in the airport restrooms (or sodomizing their 14 year old pages) who will run the Conservative side? I mean, the united States of Jesusland will have to take all the racist bigots and Ted Haggards - right? You also have to take the special interest bribe groups such as MADD due to their liberal-incompatible ideology. This is a clever move on our part to insure your government is ineffective and allow us to subvert your military.

In the USJ, you'll need to install Government cameras in your bedroom so the Fed can monitor your morality (see link at the bottom). Also please note that birth control is a sin, and nudity is almost as filthy as *gasp* dancing. But don't worry if your daughter gets knocked up - the Bible says its ok to stone her (or sell her into slavery). You should also note that to be "Conservative" one must eschew all modern conveniences such as automobiles and electricity. Good luck with your donkey carts and horses since we own the automobile manufacturers (except for Ford, but since we own the UAW they won't be around longer than a few weeks).

I say "good luck with your donkey carts and horses" because we get all the farmland and farmers, since they are the #1 recipient of "welfare" in this country. I believe we will start the bidding at one ounce of gold per pound for corn, and 2 ounces of gold per pound of bacon. Obviously we would need to be paid in gold since your unchecked economy of greed would collapse under the weight of the state sanctioned monopoly called WalMart.

Its not just all the food we get, either. How about the entire steel industry? Ouch, that has to hurt. But since you absolutely must rid yourselves of anything that smacks of corporate welfare...we'll take it, I suppose. I think that pretty much leaves you with a starving Army armed with stones and mud. Hey, that sounds just like the other great "conservative" nations like Palestine, Syria, Iran, Best Korea, Lebanon, etc...

We will also have to enforce, through trade sanctions, our exclusive usage of math and science. Conservatives all know that the Bible contains all the science required for a functional society (circa the height of the Roman Empire), and math is the work of the devil as it is a tool used to disproves things written in the New Testament. This should be fine with you, as you are determined to make do with the preacher man praying over your sick children instead of seeking medical help.

But maybe the conservative Great Nation will be a nice place to live for the average Joe since it will be totally devoid of alcohol. Prohibition was a roaring success the last time it was tried, and led to lots of peaceful homes. Right?

In short, it sounds like a good deal to me. Just remember that the Liberal Nation won't allow dual citizenship, so you'll be stuck with having to live day-to-day under someone else's morals. Hopefully they aren't Mennonite or
Quaker (or psychotic).

http://www.star-telegram.com/2010/06...hard-line.html

[HBARleatherneck]

wow, just....wow.

[BigBear]

We will also have to enforce, through trade sanctions, our exclusive usage of math and science. Conservatives all know that the Bible contains all the science required for a functional society (circa the height of the Roman Empire), and math is the work of the devil as it is a tool used to disproves things written in the New Testament.

Lots of confusion in your post my friend... but irregardless of that: Show me just one thing in the Bible that is disproven or refutes itself by ANYTHING in this world and I'll eat my hat.

[ChunkyMonkey]

N/M... misread the statement

[two shoes]

Lots of confusion in your post my friend... but irregardless of that: Show me just one thing in the Bible that is disproven or refutes itself by ANYTHING in this world and I'll eat my hat.

I don't know if those are his "feelings" about it, but it is funny to see how the numb-nuts on the other side may view anyone with a spine or morals... The biggest contrast between the two write-ups is that the liberal view is pushed to the furthest extremes of what may be considered right wing, while the conservative view seems based more or less on the facts available.
May I join you, in the dinning experience of your hat, if in fact, proof is provided? I have experience in cooking and eating crow... Grilled and covered in steak is best...

[jake]

The biggest contrast between the two write-ups is that the liberal view is pushed to the furthest extremes of what may be considered right wing, while the conservative view seems based more or less on the facts available.

So you don't think that the scared of war, scared of guns, un-Christian and un-patriotic country depicted in the original piece is a stereotype then? You really think that ALL cops and ALL soldiers share your political affiliation?

The biggest contrast between the two pieces is that the first one was a work of humor, the second one was an apparently serious reply.

[Irving]

I think the best thing for the conservative movement would be to separate it from religion completely. Most of the stuff covered by religious beliefs is stuff that the government shouldn't be involved in at all in the first place.

Bear, there is considerable confusion about the events of Easter. Namely that no one can really make a chronological time line that everyone agrees with, using the information in the New Testament. However, that is off topic since you missed the point that the guy was just posting that response because it existed, not because that is the way he feels.

[BigBear]

May I join you, in the dinning experience of your hat, if in fact, proof is provided?

You may, I will say when I am wrong, but I don't think I'm wrong on the infallible truth of the Bible. Now that is very subjective since there are numerous versions of the bible and different translations: I.E. One of the most agregious confusions is the 6th commandmant. It often gets wrongly translated from the archiac Hebrew as "Thou shalt not kill" when it literally reads "Thou shalt not MURDER". There is a big difference between kill and murder. Anyways...

The biggest contrast between the two pieces is that the first one was a work of humor, the second one was an apparently serious reply.

Big AMEN on that response.

I think the best thing for the conservative movement would be to separate it from religion completely. Most of the stuff covered by religious beliefs is stuff that the government shouldn't be involved in at all in the first place.

Bear, there is considerable confusion about the events of Easter. Namely that no one can really make a chronological time line that everyone agrees with, using the information in the New Testament. However, that is off topic since you missed the point that the guy was just posting that response because it existed, not because that is the way he feels.

First paragragh: A-friggin-men. Institutional religion has done more to contribute to the worlds problems than any thing I can think of... Conservatism has nothing to do with religion and vice versa.

Second paragraph: I understand your point about Easter and I'll include some stuff below but I don't think the timeline was written down as it was irrelevant to what teh passage is trying to correlate. I still say that science and math have done nothing but to PROVE that events in the Bible did happen. ANd I apologize for jumping on, I thought with him posting that, it was what he believed. My apologies.

Taken from: GotQuestions.org

Easter: The four Gospels make it clear that Jesus was crucified in conjunction with the Jewish Passover (Matthew 26:17-19; Mark 14:12-16; Luke 22:7-15; John 18:28,39; 19:14). The four Gospels also make it clear that Jesus was raised from the dead three days later, on the first day of the week (Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2,9; Luke 24:1; John 20:1,19). Biblically speaking, then, Christ’s resurrection should be celebrated on the first Sunday after the Jewish Passover meal. However, this is not the case. Easter is celebrated on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox (March 21 in 2008, the first day of spring). This method of determining the date of Easter often results in Easter being before Passover and/or displaced far from Passover. Easter can potentially be observed anywhere between March 22 and April 25.

In church history, there was a significant amount of debate that went into determining when Easter would be observed. As a background, please read our article on the origins of Easter. Dating Easter in conjunction with the vernal equinox and full moon had nothing to do with the biblical account of Christ’s resurrection or the Passover. It was pagan practices, such as the spring fertility goddess rituals that the Catholic Church “absorbed” and attempted to Christianize, that resulted in Easter's being linked to the vernal equinox and the full moon. The only thing that is biblical regarding when Easter is now observed is the fact that Easter is always on a Sunday.

The Bible does not instruct Christians to set aside a day to celebrate Christ’s resurrection. At the same time, the resurrection is most assuredly worth celebrating (1 Corinthians chapter 15). Celebration of Christ’s resurrection, then, is a matter of Christian freedom. Christians are free to celebrate the day of Christ’s resurrection and are free to refrain from celebrating. Since it is a matter of Christian freedom and not a biblical command, it would seem that there is also freedom as to precisely when the celebration of Christ’s resurrection is observed. Just as with Christmas, the exact date is not important. It is the fact that Christ was resurrected that is important. Christians are free to follow the traditional dating system for Easter, thereby observing Easter on the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox. At the same time, the lack of conjunction with Passover and the questionable (at best) motives for the method of scheduling Easter make it highly doubtful that Christ’s resurrection is being celebrated according to the biblical calendar.

Origins: The origins of Easter are rooted in European traditions. The name Easter comes from a pagan figure called Eastre (or Eostre) who was celebrated as the goddess of spring by the Saxons of Northern Europe. A festival called Eastre was held during the spring equinox by these people to honor her. The goddess Eastre’s earthly symbol was the rabbit, which was also known as a symbol of fertility. Originally, there were some very pagan (and sometimes utterly evil) practices that went along with the celebration. Today, Easter is almost a completely commercialized holiday, with all the focus on Easter eggs and the Easter bunny being remnants of the goddess worship.

In the Christian faith, Easter has come to mean the celebration of the resurrection of Christ three days after His crucifixion. It is the oldest Christian holiday and the most important day of the church year because of the significance of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the events upon which Christianity is based. Easter Sunday is preceded by the season of Lent, a 40-day period of fasting and repentance culminating in Holy Week and followed by a 50-day Easter season that stretches from Easter to Pentecost.

Because of the commercialization and pagan origins of Easter, many churches prefer to refer to it as “Resurrection Sunday.” The rationale is the more we focus on Christ and the less we focus on the pagan holiday, the better. As previously mentioned, the resurrection of Christ is the central theme of Christianity. Paul says that without this, our faith is futile (1 Corinthians 15:17). What more wonderful reason could we have to celebrate! What is important is the true reason behind our celebration, which is that Christ was resurrected from the dead, making it possible for us to have eternal life (Romans 6:4)!

[theGinsue]

LOTS of things wrong with the statements in the OP.

Since you are taking aim specifically at MY religious beliefs, I'll just provide you with 1 example of where you're off track.

But don't worry if your daughter gets knocked up - the Bible says its ok to stone her (or sell her into slavery).

What you are referring to is Old Testament (OT) law, also referred to as the Law of Moses. Nothing in the New Testament (NT) directs the use of stoning for punishment. In fact, if you knew the Christian Bible (if you are going to try to lecture from it, you should have a first-hand familiarity with the material), you would know that Jesus changes the criteria for enforcing this OT law when he says "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7b (NIV).

With Jesus came a new covenant and new laws, all identified in the New Testament.

I can not fairly do justice to explaining the differences between the OT and the NT laws. I'm sure we have many individuals here on the site who can communicate much more effectively than I can on this subject. I just recommend you know the material before you speak against it.

If you were simply quoting your entire response from another source, my apologies for making it more personal but I still hold to the "know the material" comment.