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2 fishermen were walking along the road going to there favorite spot. A funeral precession and limos goes by. One of the fishermen takes his hat off and bows his head until all the cars pass. His buddy says that was very honorable why. The guy reply's, "Well.......... we were married for 30 years!"
Why can't the little Greek boy run away from home?
He can't bear to leave his brother's behind.
What does a girl from Arkansas say after having sex?
Get off me Dad your crushing my smokes.
A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it.
The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much."
The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."
The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
How do you like it here? asks the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful says Grandpa.
We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.
Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents, Abdullah says with a big smile...
There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
Last edited by William; 07-09-2013 at 22:30. Reason: font
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning. I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
"There is no news in the truth, and no truth in the news."
"The revolution will not be televised... Instead it will be filmed from multiple angles via cell phone cameras, promptly uploaded to YouTube, Tweeted about, and then shared on Facebook, pending a Wi-Fi connection."
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
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