Close
Page 15 of 125 FirstFirst ... 510111213141516171819202565115 ... LastLast
Results 141 to 150 of 1246

Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #141
    Freeform Funkafied funkfool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    Colorado Springs
    Posts
    2,846

    Unhappy I only wish it were....

    Thanksgiving 2022
    "Winston, come into the dining room, it's time to eat," Julia yelled to her husband.
    "In a minute, honey, it's a tie score," he answered.
    Actually Winston wasn't very interested in the traditional holiday football game between Detroit and Washington .
    Ever since the government passed the Civility in Sports Statute of 2017, outlawing tackle football for its "unseemly violence" and the "bad example it sets for the rest of the world", Winston was far less of a football fan than he used to be.
    Two-hand touch wasn't nearly as exciting. Yet it wasn't the game that Winston was uninterested in.
    It was more the thought of eating another Tofu Turkey . Even though it was the best type of VeggieMeat available after the government revised the American Anti-Obesity Act of 2018, adding fowl to the list of federally-forbidden foods, (which already included potatoes, cranberry sauce, and mincemeat pie), it wasn't anything like real turkey.
    And ever since the government officially changed the name of "Thanksgiving Day" to "A National Day of Atonement" in 2020, to officially acknowledge the Pilgrims' historically brutal treatment of Native Americans, the holiday had lost a lot of its luster.
    Eating in the dining room was also a bit daunting. The unearthly gleam of government-mandated fluorescent light bulbs made the Tofu Turkey look even weirder than it actually was, and the room was always cold.
    Ever since Congress passed the Power Conservation Act of 2016, mandating all thermostats - which were monitored and controlled by the electric company - be kept at 68 degrees, every room on the north side of the house was barely tolerable throughout the entire winter.
    Still, it was good getting together with family. Or at least most of the family.
    Winston missed his mother, who passed on in October, when she had used up her legal allotment of life-saving medical treatment.
    He had had many heated conversations with the
    Regional Health Consortium, spawned when the private insurance market finally went bankrupt, and everyone was forced into the government health care program.
    And though he demanded she be kept on her treatment, it was a futile effort.
    "The RHC's resources are limited", explained the
    government bureaucrat Winston spoke with on the phone. "Your mother received all the benefits to which she was entitled. I'm sorry for your loss."
    Ed couldn't make it either. He had forgotten to plug in his electric car last night, the only kind available after the Anti-Fossil Fuel Bill of 2021 outlawed the use of the combustion engines - for everyone but government officials.
    The fifty mile round trip was about ten miles too far, and Ed didn't want to spend a frosty night on the road somewhere between here and there.
    Thankfully, Winston's brother, John, and his wife were flying in.
    Winston made sure that the dining room chairs had extra cushions for the occasion.
    No one complained more than John about the pain of sitting down so soon after the government-mandated cavity searches at airports, which severely aggravated his hemorrhoids.
    Ever since a terrorist successfully smuggled a cavity bomb onto a jetliner, the TSA told Americans the added "inconvenience" was an "absolute necessity" in order to stay "one step ahead of the terrorists."
    Winston's own body had grown accustomed to such probing ever since the government expanded their scope to just about anywhere a crowd gathered, via Anti-Profiling Act of 2022.
    That law made it a crime to single out any group or individual for "unequal scrutiny," even when probable cause was involved.
    Thus, cavity searches at malls, train stations, bus depots, etc., etc., had become almost routine.
    Almost.
    The Supreme Court is reviewing the statute, but most Americans expect a Court composed of six progressives and three conservatives to leave the law intact.
    "A living Constitution is extremely flexible", said the Court's eldest member, Elena Kagan. " Europe has had laws like this one for years. We should learn from their example", she added.
    Winston's thoughts turned to his own children.
    He got along fairly well with his 12-year-old daughter, Brittany, mostly because she ignored him. Winston had long ago surrendered to the idea that she could text anyone at any time, even during Atonement Dinner.
    Their only real confrontation had occurred when he limited her to 50,000 texts a month, explaining that was all he could afford.
    She whined for a week, but got over it.
    His 16-year-old son, Jason, was another matter altogether. Perhaps it was the constant bombarding he got in public school that global warming, the bird flu, terrorism, or any of a number of other calamities were "just around the corner", but Jason had developed a kind of nihilistic attitude that ranged between simmering surliness and outright hostility.
    It didn't help that Jason had reported his father to the police for smoking a cigarette in the house, an act made criminal by the Smoking Control Statute of 2018, which outlawed smoking anywhere within 500 feet of another human being.
    Winston paid the $5,000 fine, which might have been considered excessive before the American dollar became virtually worthless as a result of QE13.
    The latest round of quantitative easing the federal government initiated was, once again, to "spur economic growth."
    This time, they promised to push unemployment below its years-long rate of 18%, but Winston was not particularly hopeful.
    Yet the family had a lot for which to be thankful, Winston thought, before remembering it was a Day of Atonement.
    At least, he had his memories.
    He felt a twinge of sadness when he realized his children would never know what life was like in the Good Old Days, long before government promises to make life "fair for everyone" realized their full potential.
    Winston, like so many of his fellow Americans, never realized how much things could change when they didn't happen all at once, but little by little, so people could get used to them.
    He wondered what might have happened if the public had stood up while there was still time, maybe back around 2011 , when all the real nonsense began.
    "Maybe we wouldn't be where we are today if we'd just said 'enough is enough' when we had the chance," he thought.
    Maybe so, Winston. Maybe so.
    NRA Benefactor Member
    "If ever a time should come, when vain and aspiring men shall possess the highest seats in Government, our country will stand in need of its experienced patriots to prevent its ruin." Samuel Adams
    Feedback and Disclaimer

  2. #142
    Sig Fantastic Ronin13's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Arvada, CO
    Posts
    10,268

    Default

    A husband and wife are having issues with intimacy in their marriage. A happily married couple with two children they go to a doctor to see what's wrong. Turns out the husband has a decreased libido so the doctor prescribes a pill that will help the husband out. He tells the wife "Only put one of these in his meal at dinner, no more."
    That night the wife puts a pill into his food and they have the best sex ever. She is so pleased that the following night she puts five in and it's even better sex. The third night she puts half the bottle into his food thinking she's going to need a few days off to recover from the best sex she will ever have. The next morning the police show up because of a noise complaint. The eight year old son answers the door crying.
    "What's wrong?" asks one of the cops.
    "Well, my mom's dead, my sister is bleeding from nearly every hole in her body, my ass hurts and my dad is chasing the dog around the house."
    "There is no news in the truth, and no truth in the news."
    "The revolution will not be televised... Instead it will be filmed from multiple angles via cell phone cameras, promptly uploaded to YouTube, Tweeted about, and then shared on Facebook, pending a Wi-Fi connection."

  3. #143
    A "Higher Power" Shooter Pistol Packing Preacher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Arvada, Colorado
    Posts
    2,265

    Default

    Doc: "Do you wear Shorts or Briefs?"

    Patient: "Depends!"


    Pistol Packing Preacher - Have Sermon-Will Travel. [John 3:16; Romans 10:9-10; Titus 3:4-7]
    NRA Basic Pistol Instructor. Utah CCW Instructor.

  4. #144
    65 yard Hail Mary
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Parker CO
    Posts
    2,981

    Default

    This isn't really a joke, but I thought it was funny...

    http://www.channel3000.com/news/28679842/detail.html
    Police in Iowa say a woman was assaulted with a bratwurst Monday night after refusing to fight with a homeless woman.

  5. #145
    65 yard Hail Mary
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Parker CO
    Posts
    2,981

    Default

    I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Sydney.
    I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant.
    Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance..

    That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
    We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
    Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."
    Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

    Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

    All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

  6. #146
    65 yard Hail Mary
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Parker CO
    Posts
    2,981

    Default

    Thought this one was pretty good...

    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
    The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
    "OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
    The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
    To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified To discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after Death, when you don't know shit?"
    And then she went back to reading her book.

  7. #147
    65 yard Hail Mary
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Parker CO
    Posts
    2,981

    Default

    Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard. 'Are you Mohammed?' he asks.

    'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohammed is higher up..' Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds .

    Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'
    'Why no he answers, I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.'

    Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again, he discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?'

    'No, I am Jesus, the Christ...you will find Mohammed higher up.'

    Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question:

    "Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son.... I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?"

    Obama says, "Yes please"! As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and says: "Hey Mohammed-two coffees!""

  8. #148
    Machine Gunner n8tive97's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Westminster
    Posts
    1,291

    Default Joke from my mother...

    As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
    I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
    As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ?
    He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.
    'I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,'An, ID ten T error ?
    What's that? In case I need to fix it again.
    'Eric grinned .... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?
    'No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.
    So I wrote down:ID10T
    I used to like Eric, the little shit


    </SPAN>
    My Feedback!

    NRA Member


  9. #149
    65 yard Hail Mary
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Parker CO
    Posts
    2,981

    Default

    ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....

  10. #150
    Grand Master Know It All Sharpienads's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Colorado Springs
    Posts
    3,403

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mcantar18c View Post
    ID10T forms, rifle reports, chem light batteries, box of grid squares.....
    In my job in the Air Force, the nomenclature for the portable radios we use start with PRC (Portable Radio Communications, pronounced "prick"), i.e. PRC-117, PRC-148, PRC152, etc. So whenever we get new guys, we'll send them to the Senior or Chief's office to ask if there's a PRC-E7 or PRC-E8 in there...
    Kyle

    Girlscouts? Hmmm, I don't know... I think it's kinda dangerous to teach young girls self esteem and leadership skills.

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •