Joke of the Day

[TFOGGER]

[GilpinGuy]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who
could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And
the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.

[Ronin13]

BOOM! That was hilarious! I almost feel bad for laughing though.

[Tim K]

First-year students at the Texas A & M Vet School were
attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them
"In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and
stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students. The students freaked out,
hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and said, "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention. Life's tough but it's even
tougher if you're stupid."

[crays]

My New Job:

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half burned American Flag duct-taped to the bumper of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan, spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akhbar!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Damn; that could have been me!"


So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

[Irving]

OH YEAH!

[davsel]

My first drink with my son.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it, so I had it.
Then I got him a Harp Lager, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager, Murphy’s Irish Red, and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[DEAGLER]

[Drucker]

This morning my friend lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.

On the way home he stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup truck and said in a very sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”


He thought a few seconds and asked, “What kinda ammo ya got?”

[GilpinGuy]

BULLETIN: 


This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned our country that if the United States continued meddling in Syria, Egypt , Libya, and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers. 
 If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps. 
 
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents. 
 
It's gonna get ugly, people.