Joke of the Day

[islandermyk]

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck. Go figure-- it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85. I returned it to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson",the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant
"Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, "Ass Hole!"
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ."

Damn I love this truck...

[JohnTRourke]

A young Arab boy asks his father,
“What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said,
“It’s a ‘chechia’. In the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?”
asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked,
“And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”,
which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”

“Tell me,” added the boy.

"Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?”

[JMBD2112]

Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

I'm a UGA fan.....

[patrick0685]

Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

I'm a UGA fan.....

terrible terrible terrible i bet we do better than most people think

[Dave]

A young Arab boy asks his father,
“What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said,
“It’s a ‘chechia’. In the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?”
asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot
and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked,
“And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”,
which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.”

“Tell me,” added the boy.

"Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan
and still wearing all this shit?”

Terrible, but true. Growing up in Kalamazoo we had Western Michigan University and you could basically tell what year the female arab students were in based on their clothing at the start of the fall semester, even those raised in the east side of the state. In freshman year they had the full dress, head cover and face veil on. Sophomore year the head cover and veil were around but they would wear jeans and a conservative blouse. Junior year the blouse was swapped to a tshirt and the veil was gone but the head scarf was still around. Senior year it was shorts, tshirts and a WMU or a Tigers ball cap.

[eneranch]

JOKE TIME:
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border."May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent."I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.."Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent."But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other.""This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind."By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago .""Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?"The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[jslo]

Breaking News: Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours yesterday after a player found a white substance on the practice field.
Coach Jones immediately suspended practice and called in federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after the investigators decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

I'm a UGA fan.....

This seems more appropriate for the Browns.

I'm a Browns fan.........and still admit it

[davsel]

Warning for beer drinkers


Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.


To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn’t drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.


No further testing was considered necessary.

[3beansalad]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[theGinsue]

Catholic Joke Day

Joke 1:
Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a car load of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls
off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks?

Was that cross enough??

Joke 2:
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"