Joke of the Day

[Joe_K]

Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.
“What is your name?” – asked the teacher.
“Mohammed”. . . – answered the kid.
“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” – asked his mother.
“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Johnny.”
“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!” – and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Johnny"?
“Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs.”

Velocitas, Opprimere,
Violentia Operandi

[davsel]

15 Thoughts For Seniors


1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 15 pounds by New Year’s 2017. Good news only 15 to go.


2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.


3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat


4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.


5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.


6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.


7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.


8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.


9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.


10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.


11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget five others.


12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.


13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


14. Daylight Savings Time ended on November 6, 2016. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.


15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

[TFOGGER]

[RblDiver]

Lol, taken from one of my FB friends:

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Litle Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom, and he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"

[brutal]

Lol, taken from one of my FB friends:

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Litle Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom, and he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed three-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!"

That's awesome. Posted to my wife's page sinces she's an ex EMT-P turned labor nurse.

[CS1983]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The
wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a
lot to do, she called him on the mobile.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it
at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up.

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[TFOGGER]

Stolen from Reddit... https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comme...y_credit_card/

Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it like an ass hole.
With any story, there is a setup process. Here is the setup to this story. About 6 months ago, I was making a purchase with my credit card and when I went to sign the electronic signature machine, it was broken. By broken, I mean that when I touched the pen to the machine, it went crazy and didn't look anything like my signature. It looked like a drunk 4 year old signed my name for me. It accepted the signature without any problems. So this really made me wonder what I could do to give my credit card company something to laugh about. I mean, they obviously don't review the signatures since they never called me or declined a purchase. For ****s sake, it could have been a stolen card.
I started out modest by signing with a line or an "X". Occasionally I would do last name first. After a couple of months, I became bolder. I wrote goofy ****, drew pictures, etc. Here's a list of some of my favorite signatures over the past few months:
I AM NOT KINGPIN
I STOLE THIS
**** OFF
**** YOU
WALMART SUCKS
CALL ME
CROTCHY CROTCHINGTON
MY BALLS ITCH
911
I'M A CRIMINAL
THANKS FOR THE STUFF
Today I went the extra mile. When it came time to sign my name, a thought popped in my head. I should draw a picture. But what picture should I draw? I smirked as something completely juvenile came to me. This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:
http://i.imgur.com/wwPwR.jpg
Yes, I know, it's not my best artwork, but I didn't have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit "OK", there was a pause. The register then said "COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD." One thought popped in my head: "OH *!" It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my *ty drawing of cock and balls. The lady at the register didn't immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said "These signatures don't match."
At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn't matter. I probably didn't make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words "he drew a penis..." as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I'm out of breath from laughing and I'm still giggling like a schoolgirl.
Manager: Sir, your signature...heh...umm...doesn't match the signature on your card. Kingpin: I know and there is a good reason for that. Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine. The guy behind me bursts into laughter. Kingpin: Yeah, I didn't think this would happen. I've been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it. Manager: I guess you learned your lesson. Kingpin: Yeah, the credit card doesn't accept penis. The guy behind me now can't stop laughing. Manager: OK, I'm going to decline the signature and have you sign it again. Kingpin: Fair enough. Manager: This time, really sign it.
So I had to sign it again and they wouldn't let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had singlehandedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn't let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew cock and balls as his credit card signature.
So I have a plan now. I'm going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my cock and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really **** with them.

[brutal]

It said PENS!

[TFOGGER]

The Pope in Alaska

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he saw a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He hurried over there and found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

[davsel]