Joke of the Day

[crays]

“Hey, Natalie Wood, do you want to take a shower?”

“No thanks, I think I’ll just wash up on shore.”

Ouch

Sent from somewhere

[GilpinGuy]

The cops came to my house this morning, saying that a neighbor reported that my dogs were chasing people riding bikes.

I politely told the officer that my dogs don't ride bikes.

[Irving]

“Hey, Natalie Wood, do you want to take a shower?”

“No thanks, I think I’ll just wash up on shore.”

Well, looking this up was my history lesson for the day.

[flogger]

[TFOGGER]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. So talented that he can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”

The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

[mattiooo]

A man goes to a witch doctor and begs him to help him remove a curse.

The man says "Help me! I've been afflicted with this curse for 15 years and I just can't take it anymore."

The witch doctor says "I can help you with the curse as long as you know the exact words of the curse put upon you."














The man replies "No problem!" They are "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[RblDiver]

Not exactly a joke, but still good. Taken from FB:

This whole changing the clock thing is stupid. Whichever politician vows to abolish Daylight Savings Time has my vote. If Trump tweeted right now that he would fight to leave the clocks the same all year, his poll numbers would go up 20 points.

Republican, Democrat, doesn’t matter. This should be a bipartisan issue. I don’t care if you are a dippy socialist we should all be able to reach across the aisle and say this clock crap is dumb, I’m going back to sleep.

And don’t tell me Mew Mew Mew Think Of The Farmers! Nonsense. I grew up on a farm. Farmers hate it too. Farmers haven’t given a crap about this since mankind stuck a headlight on a tractor. And cows don’t look at the clock. Cows are all like “Milk me now, asshole, before I explode.”

I have a job where I get up and work from home whenever I feel like it. Yet even I am not immune to the relentless soul sucking scourge of clock changing, because I have four surly, grumpy, tired children, who are going to be extra pissy for a month because Ben Franklin had a bright idea back before we’d invented the lightbulb and only millionaires owned a watch.

But the government loves it some stupid pointless shit. Here is a program despised by everybody to the point that the rest of us are actually all jealous of people living in the scorpion infested 127 degree wastelands of Arizona. Like you lucky bastards, sure, the sun there is hot enough to make metal soft, but you don’t have to mess with your stupid clocks!

And now Florida Man gets out of it too? Florida? The state legislature that just banned a gun part that can literally be replicated with a belt loop and your thumb, had the sense to get rid of Daylight Savings and the rest of us didn’t. How friggin pathetic does that make the rest of us?

No more! (To paraphrase my liberal friends) Won’t someone think of the children!? The grumpy, surly children...

My clocks, my choice!

[GilpinGuy]

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up in the air, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Some old men can still think fast!

[JohnTRourke]

Irishman's First Drink With His Son

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so I tried a Tullamore Dew. Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it?

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so freakin' shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

[crays]

DISCLAIMER: I used this in an L&P thread, also.


So, if I have a slide fire or bump stock, does that mean I have "High Yield Stocks" in my portfolio that perform above average?

Sent from somewhere