Joke of the Day

[porfiriozg]

if you cant beat them, find a loop hole to the rules

A Wish To Live Forever
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy

[Irving]

Oh man, that's great!

[Lex_Luthor]

Not really a joke, actually more truth told.

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called
the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.” By chance I stumbled
upon this verse in the Bible:

“ The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left .”
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

[Hoosier]

Not really a joke, actually more truth told.

I have often wondered why it is that Conservatives are called
the “right” and Liberals are called the “left.” By chance I stumbled
upon this verse in the Bible:

“ The heart of the wise inclines to the right,
but the heart of the fool to the left .”
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV)

Thus sayeth the Lord. Amen

If anyone is interested in the real reason for the nomenclature, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left–...y_of_the_terms

H.

[theGinsue]

A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Just then, I realized I had a problem: how was I going to release the snake without getting bit?

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

The snake's eyes rolled back and he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in its mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[Irving]

During a Black Eyed Peas concert in London, Fergie lifted up her shirt and flashed her titties at the crowd. Everyone cheered. Minutes later, the Queen of England jumped up on stage and started douching right in front of everyone. The crowd went wild.

A lone American in the crowd loudly asked, "What the fuck is going on?!" A Brit next to him responded, "Come on mate, everyone knows that a Royal Flush beats a Pair any day."

[opie011]

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?" 
 
He said, "It's President's Day".
 
 
She asked, "What does that mean ?"
 
... I was waiting for something profound...
 
He said: "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment."
 
I almost snorted my iced tea. 

[MuzzleFlash]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "The little bastard eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the things the monkey ate, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again with his monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar.

While he's finishing his drink, his monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"No, what?", replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!".

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[MuzzleFlash]

[opie011]

I would sport that on my truck!