Joke of the Day

[JohnTRourke]

A man sat around one afternoon in his later years just pondering life.

After awhile he walked in and announced to his wife of 70 years,

I have remembered many things from our life,

but I can't for the life of me remember one time you have said something

That made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Wife says that's easy, Your dick is way bigger than your brothers

[Seamonkey]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!"

[Ah Pook]

A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.

The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.

The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.

[funkfool]

Joke of the Day: Nancy Pelosi is a saint


One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C.
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

"...and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint."

“No,” the Cardinal replied. “I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”
Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.
At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.
“While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some,” the Cardinal said to the congregation, “the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flipflop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”
“But when compared to President Obama,” the Cardinal concluded, “Pelosi is a saint.”

[CO303303]

kinda funny.

[Ronin13]

henpecked, that was a good one, except it would appear if not yours, then whoever you got that from doesn't have a very functional space bar.

[henpecked]

copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?

[TFOGGER]

copied and pasted without correction........wheres the grammar nazi?

[sellersm]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,

but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $250,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,

she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,

sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

[missionxo]

A guy and his new wife walks into a Hotel and asks for the honeymoon suite. The guy at the front desk takes care of them and they are on their way up to the room. No more than 10 minutes later the guy comes down wearing fishing waders, fishing vest and a pole. The guy at the front desk stops him "hey its your honeymoon you should be up there getting busy!!" ......."Well I would love to but my wife has Gonorrhea" ...Wow!! " Well what about a blow Job?? ........"That would be awesome but she also has Pyorrhea"........."Holy Shit..Well at least you could get her in the ass"........" Yea well she suffers from chronic Diarrhea" Good God!!!!!!!!!! " Gonorrhea?? Pyorrhea and Diarrhea???? Excuse me for asking this but why the HELL did you marry her?? .........Well she also has worms and I LOVE to fish!!!!