Joke of the Day

[Madeinhb]

Hahahahabahaha that one is awesome

[William]

-- I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

-- I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

-- My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

-- Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

-- A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

-- The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

-- There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

-- You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

-- A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

-- Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 flippin' Muslims have friended me!

-- Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard

[brutal]

Sounds like Rodney Dangerfield.

[SuperiorDG]

[mcantar18c]

In Heaven,
The police are British
The chefs are French
The lovers are Italian
It’s designed by the Swiss
And built by the Germans

In Hell,
The police are German
The chefs are British
The lovers are Swiss
It’s designed by the Italians
And built by the French

[TFOGGER]

[GilpinGuy]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges
and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who
could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then, one night while watching Fox News he saw a war-zone scene in the West
Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with
a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story
window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And
the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks
him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers
were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your
sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago.

[Ronin13]

BOOM! That was hilarious! I almost feel bad for laughing though.

[hurley842002]

Kudos to funkfool for posting this pick at the precise location so that every time the "joke of the day" thread comes up on Tapatalk, Obama and Bidens photos are what I see. That is all....

[Tim K]

First-year students at the Texas A & M Vet School were
attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body
covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them
"In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal's body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and
stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students. The students freaked out,
hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and said, "The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my
middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention. Life's tough but it's even
tougher if you're stupid."