Joke of the Day

[MrAK]

Not the best written joke...

But the next time you see someone wearing a corduroy jacket or pair of pants, get their attention, point at the article of clothing that's in question, and state "did you know that was Helen Keller's favorite color?"

[JohnTRourke]

A Californian, a Texan and an Oregonian are on a camping trip. The Californian takes a bottle of chardonnay from his backpack and takes a swig from it, then tosses it into the air and blows it apart with a Glock. The Texan and Oregonian protest and the Californian says: We have that stuff coming out our ears, it's no big deal.

The Texan, not to be outdone, produces a bottle of premium tequila, takes a drink then throws it into the air and blasts it to pieces with a revolver. He says: Got tons of it it, no big deal.

The Oregonian chugs a bottle of IPA, then takes a shotgun from his backpack and blows the Californian away. The Texan stares at him aghast until the Oregonian says: We have lots of those. But this bottle is worth five cents.

[wctriumph]

^^^^^^^

LOL. That was good for late in the day.

[JohnTRourke]

A family goes to the circus - mom, dad, and their son. The elephant act comes out & the son asks his mom, "Mom, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant?" His mom says "That's his trunk." "No, I mean the long thing in the back." "That's his tail." "No, the other long thing hanging down in the back, between his legs." Mom says "Uh, that's nothing. I'm going to go get us some sodas." So after she leaves, the kid turns to his dad & says "Dad, what's that long thing hanging down on the elephant? Not his trunk, not his tail, the other long thing hanging down between his legs." His dad says "Oh. Well, that's the elephant's penis." The son says "So how come when I asked Mom what it was, she said it was nothing?" Dad put his arm around his boy & said "Son, I have spoiled that woman."

[JohnTRourke]

Chester tried out for a bit part in a broadway bound musical. His brother got him an audition. "Look, it's easy" said the brother "you only have one line, here it is" "Hark, the cannons roar".

Chester auditioned and he got the bit part. He faithfully attended every rehearsal. Delivered his line, right on time.

On the day of the premiere Chester oversleeps.

He runs to the theater, the guy at the stage door stops him, asks "who are you?" Chester says "I'm 'hard, the cannons roar'" Oh my gosh, get in to make up right away, you're late!"

Chester goes to make up, gets in costume, then goes to the stage manager. "Who are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark, the cannons roar" answers Chester. "Great you are on in 5 seconds, get out there"

Chester runs on stage, right on cue. All of a sudden a tremendous BOOM comes from the sound system. Chester shouts

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT???"

[izzy]

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

[MrAK]

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?"
"That's a Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" she asked. The father's heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question.
He laughed, and then replied, "No sweetheart. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped the spiders flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

Oh fuck, that got me

[BladesNBarrels]

One day three golfers were playing a round of golf.
They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off.
One of the golfers had his club in mid swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway.
He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight.
The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway.
"You know Jack?" One of the other golfers said. "That was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass.
" Well I felt it was the least I could do." Jack responded. "After all she did give me 30 of the best years of her life."

[BladesNBarrels]

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[BladesNBarrels]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'

Now what exactly would you say?"