Joke of the Day

[BladesNBarrels]

An American soldier, serving in World War II had just returned from several weeks of battle on the German front lines.

The soldier had been granted rest and relaxation and was on a train that was bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train in hopes of finding an empty seat.

The only empty seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the solider and sniffed then said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see that my little pooch is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, looking if there were any other unoccupied seats to use, but after another trip down to the end of the train, he found himself facing the woman with the dog again.

Again, the soldier asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted out loud, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also extremely arrogant!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The Woman, at a loss for words; shrieked, railed and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up and said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!."

[Vic Tory]

Attachment 81588

I'm way behind on these. My wife nearly called 911, I was choking and turning purple, I was laughing so hard!

[ray1970]

This is national diarrhea week.

That?s right folks, it runs all week.

[Madusa]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says “ hay pirate why do you have a steering wheel shoved down the front of you pants?” The pirate responds “ I don’t know mate, but it’s driving me nuts”

[Erni]

A vegetarian and a vegan jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first.

Who wins?










Society.

[Walker2970]

What do you call a vegan with the runs?

a salad shooter

[brutal]

A vegetarian and a vegan jump off a cliff to see who gets to the bottom first.

Who wins?










Society.

Hopefully the one that also does crossfit. Probably telling the other one about it on the way down.

[buffalobo]

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If you're unarmed, you are a victim.

[rfenster]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

[BladesNBarrels]

I?ve just finished reading a book about the world?s greatest basement? It was a best cellar.

It?s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open.

I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks? It cost me an arm and a leg.

The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

Horses have lower divorce rates. It?s because they are in stable relationships.

It?s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted???

My teachers told me I?d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can?t part with it.

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle? It?s a vicious cycle.

The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary

I?ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls, if they didn?t want to kiss you, they would have to give you a dollar. By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

Always trust a nudist? They have nothing to hide.