Joke of the Day

[Irving]

The crash test I saw, slamming the car into a concrete barrier at 70 mph, it held together really well.

[funkfool]

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.
There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[JohnTRourke]

A salt old sea-dog walks into a bar with a ships wheel around his penis.

Bartender says, 'Doesn't having that big wooden wheel there bother you?'

Sailor says 'Aye! It's driving me nuts!'

[JohnTRourke]

Husband comes home from work to find his wife laying on the bed naked.
She is laying there rubbing her naughty spot and says, "Oh honey, make me feel like a woman."
Husband so, "OK".
He quickly takes off all his clothes, balls them up, and tosses them on top of her.
"Here, go do my laundry".

[JohnTRourke]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

[lead_magnet]

Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?

A: I cry when I cut up an onion.

[Scanker19]

Q: What's the difference between a whore and an onion?

A: I cry when I cut up an onion.

You almost made me pee myself.

[JohnTRourke]

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab asks, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," comes the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The back lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquires.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab says. The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself –– I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Ah Pook]

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks at the other and say "It's hot in here". The second muffin responds "Holy Jesus, a talking muffin!"

[JohnTRourke]

So the Obama family are at a baseball game getting ready for it to start when one of the President's Secret Service agents leans over and whispers into the President's ear.

After hearing what the agent says, BHO vehemently shakes his head in protest. To this the agent replies, "with all due respect sir, I think the fans and participants would all get a real thrill out of it." "Everyone on the teams, from the batboys all the way to the managers have said they would like for you to do it, and the fans would definitely approve as well."

BHO replies, "well ok, I guess." He then proceeds to stand up, walk over to Michelle, grab her by the collar and the belt and toss her unceremoniously over the rail onto the field. She is stunned and obviously upset, but everyone in the stands and the dugouts begins cheering and hooting and seems to think it was grand...

BHO waves to the crowd and heads back to his seat, where he finds his secret service agent pale and looking stunned.

The agent says, "but sir, I said everyone thought you should throw out the first PITCH!"