Joke of the Day

[JohnTRourke]

The Dark Side of Women

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale slashed by 75 percent in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques.

She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in pain in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you'll ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.

The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."

[Irving]

I tried searching for this thread, but could never find it. Thanks for bringing it up again!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[JohnTRourke]

A man sat around one afternoon in his later years just pondering life.

After awhile he walked in and announced to his wife of 70 years,

I have remembered many things from our life,

but I can't for the life of me remember one time you have said something

That made me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

Wife says that's easy, Your dick is way bigger than your brothers

[Seamonkey]

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.
The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. "Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?"

The driver replied, " Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot."

The officer looked at the driver and asked, "Anything else?"

"Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat."

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn't, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver's face and said "Mr. Smith, you're carrying quite a few guns. May I ask what you are afraid of?

Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered, "Not a damn thing!"

[Ah Pook]

A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.

The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.

The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.

[DSB OUTDOORS]

A Marine and a Navy man are standing next to each other at the bathroom urinals.

The Marine finishes and while washing his hands exclaimes that the Marines taught us to wash out hands after urination.

The Navy man finishes and walks past the sinks. As he passes the Marine he exclaimes that the Navy taught us not to piss on our hands.

So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better???

[Byte Stryke]

So the Navy man tastes his own dick every time he bites his nails and put's food in his mouth?? How is this better???

Familiarity...

[DSB OUTDOORS]

Familiarity...

Nope!! Marines rejected me because I had too may broken bones and would'nt pass the psyical. And did'nt want to go into the Army or Navy. But I always trust my dear Mudder!! Always wash after going Potty!!
I know you're teaching you're son that. Right??

[JohnTRourke]

A salt old sea-dog walks into a bar with a ships wheel around his penis.

Bartender says, 'Doesn't having that big wooden wheel there bother you?'

Sailor says 'Aye! It's driving me nuts!'

[JohnTRourke]

Husband comes home from work to find his wife laying on the bed naked.
She is laying there rubbing her naughty spot and says, "Oh honey, make me feel like a woman."
Husband so, "OK".
He quickly takes off all his clothes, balls them up, and tosses them on top of her.
"Here, go do my laundry".