Today's funny

[Cman]

Craig's List

YOU ARE PROBABLY NOT VERY INTERESTED IN ANY USED FARM EQUIPMENT

BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST.
For Sale : FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1.00


Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya.


Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii.


Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard.


Apparently it was pampered by various owners over the years.


It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can really sling the poop for amazing distances.


I am hoping to retire the manure spreader next November.


I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way.


I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country.

I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.

[275RLTW]

A crusty old Ranger found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Ranger for conversation.
"Excuse me, Ranger, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Ranger just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The old Ranger said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

RLTW!

[Ronin13]

Abbott and Costello Explain Obama's Accounting System...
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: You just said 9%.
ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?
ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening.
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

[Teufelhund]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

[hghclsswhitetrsh]

Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?" She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride! "Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that!" I told her. "What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house." She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?" I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party." Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore.

Effing awesome!

[Walker2970]

Daddy is a gay dancer


A fourth-grade teacher asked the
children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up
- fireman,
mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.



Little Justin, however, was being
uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father,
he replied, "My
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all
his
clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in
his
underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go
home
with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."



The teacher, obviously shaken by this
statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some exercises and
took little
Justin aside. "Is that really true about your
father?"


"No," the boy said, "He works for
the Democratic National
Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but
it's too
embarrassing to say that in front of the other
kids.

[DSB OUTDOORS]

Good joke. "Stuck On You Thread" Is the place for this.

[Sharpienads]

Hahahaha, that's a good one!

But there is a jokes section under the "Stuck on you" topic.

[Great-Kazoo]

I think it's called GD.

[Ah Pook]

Little Johnny has been replaces?