Today's funny

[Ronin13]

I came home from work today, tired and weary I popped down into my favorite chair and turned on the TV. "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?" She obliged and I drank my beer. Soon it was empty so I asked again, "Hon, can you get me a beer before it starts?" She got me another. I finished it and ask yet again, "Hey can you get me a beer before it starts?" She entered the room and crossed her arms, "Why don't you get your own goddamn beer?" "Shit, it's started."

[DSB OUTDOORS]

I'm a little slow but I got it!! Before it starts.

[TSOTSI]

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

[Bootifus]

Big tits are great for a girlfriend, but not a wife of 25 years with a few kids, they are more like bowling balls in wet socks.

[TSOTSI]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[jerrymrc]

Big tits are great for a girlfriend, but not a wife of 25 years with a few kids, they are more like bowling balls in wet socks.

One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.

After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.

Did ya see the size of those tits dad?

[sniper7]

One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.

After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.

Did ya see the size of those tits dad?

[DFBrews]

One of the boys has this thing for Very large ones. Years ago when he was 17 he brought this thing home one afternoon.

After he came back from taking her home I asked him what in the world possessed him to bring something so fugly home, heck even his mother wanted to know.

Did ya see the size of those tits dad?

any thing more than a handful is a waste

[jerrymrc]

It is true. I still to this day wonder about that. I do have to say that out of the three boys he is the best but still has that thing for them....

any thing more than a handful is a waste

His mother is a prime example. I Never had a thing for large ones. It does pay off in later years.

[MattR]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'





So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

One Friday night I advised my wife I would be leaving early

in the morning to go fishing.
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out

into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph,

so I pulled back into thegarage, turned on the radio,

and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.......
________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.